whyamistillalive
Well-Known Member
Hi Everyone
I was diagnosed with Aspergers recently. My doctor told me about it on Thursday. I have been in psychiatric care for 6 years now for bi-polar disorder, depression, adult ADD. I had ADHD as a child, and I was always a social misfit, even today. As a young child, I did not receive affection well, I did not like being touched or tickled. I could not make friends and preferred to be alone. I spent my days taking my toys apart to see how they worked instead of playing with them, and I would take apart anything I could get my hands on - that got me in trouble often because I did not always reassemble everything.
Sports didn't work for me, my parents tried to get me into little league baseball and soccer, I hated it and quit as quickly as they would let me (don't think I made it thru a single season). Being in the Cub Scouts lasted a few months at best, no attempt to get my to socialize with others worked. The only friend I had in elementary school was a kid that loved to build things with Lego's, and that is how we spent any time together. Building things, really complex things, with Lego blocks, I wish we had photos of the buildings and carnival rides we made, they were incredible. Other than building things with this friend, I would spend time with his parents, I think I got along with his parents better than I did with my friend himself.
I was always the strange kid that no one liked. I moved when going to middle school, and in the new town, same problem, no friends. I had given up with friends at this point and spent my time reading and studying everything I could find in encyclopedias, or hiding in the attic with my model trains.
Moved across the country and then started High School. Same problem again, no friends. Picked on a lot in high school, and basically the only friend I had was my older sisters boyfriend who was an adult.
My whole life, I felt different, weird, alone and depressed. I am highly intelligent and love physics, I remember writing English papers in middle school on relativity, my English teacher hadn't a clue what the paper was about and I got a bad grade on it (I still have a copy of that report). I got really depressed as a young adult, and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and have been treated for the past 7 years for the condition. I still had a poor outlook for myself, I could not ever see myself having a normal life, I always felt "damaged" in some way.
After being diagnosed this week, I am waiting for my first appointment with my new therapist which is 2 weeks from now. I have done a lot of research online about Aspergers and I now have answers for all the problems I have gone thru my entire life. Everything that I read online about Aspies explains to me what has been going wrong in my life, it is like those articles are written about Me, how I should deal with all My problems.
I feel so relieved now; I understand what the problem was. I don't know if it is a normal reaction, but I am so happy to find out that I have Aspergers Syndrome! I am not broken, I am just different, and I don't see all the weird things about me as problems anymore.
The last few days for me has been a journey thru my past, looking at all the difficulties I went thru as a child, and how they shaped the person that I am today (a mess in most peoples eyes). Every weird, quirky thing about me makes perfect sense now. How I don't know most relatives names that are not direct family (and we have a large extended family), I don't really even know the names of almost all the people at the small church I attend every week, but I can tell you what type and color shoes they wear to church each week. I cant look anyone in the face, it just feels weird to do that, so I look at their shoes. Everyone who knows me teases me about that; referencing others to me in ways like, "The woman with the black fuzzy shoes", or something similar. I don't take offense to it, but everyone else thinks it is really funny (I think they are laughing at me, but I could care less).
When talking to family members about my diagnosis, they see Aspie in everything about me. No one ever bothered to tell me how my conversations are usually way above their heads and they have no clue what I am talking about (until now). They never told me that I talk on and on, way past the end of their desire to listen anymore (until now). No one ever mentioned how strange it was that I almost never attend family events, that I come up with pathetic excuses to stay home (until now).
Autism runs thru the family, my niece, my cousin, my uncle is an obvious undiagnosed Aspie (I see that clearly now) and it never dawned upon me that I could be one. I cant wait for my first appointment, and waiting 2 weeks is going to kill me. I hope I can meet some people here who can relate to me. I don't know what to expect, but I do see things a lot differently already.
If I keep writing, this is going to turn into one of those stories where everyone's attention span was lost a few paragraphs ago, so I will stop before that happens (I would have never stopped before, but now I know better).
I am happy to be here and I guess my new adventure begins.
I was diagnosed with Aspergers recently. My doctor told me about it on Thursday. I have been in psychiatric care for 6 years now for bi-polar disorder, depression, adult ADD. I had ADHD as a child, and I was always a social misfit, even today. As a young child, I did not receive affection well, I did not like being touched or tickled. I could not make friends and preferred to be alone. I spent my days taking my toys apart to see how they worked instead of playing with them, and I would take apart anything I could get my hands on - that got me in trouble often because I did not always reassemble everything.
Sports didn't work for me, my parents tried to get me into little league baseball and soccer, I hated it and quit as quickly as they would let me (don't think I made it thru a single season). Being in the Cub Scouts lasted a few months at best, no attempt to get my to socialize with others worked. The only friend I had in elementary school was a kid that loved to build things with Lego's, and that is how we spent any time together. Building things, really complex things, with Lego blocks, I wish we had photos of the buildings and carnival rides we made, they were incredible. Other than building things with this friend, I would spend time with his parents, I think I got along with his parents better than I did with my friend himself.
I was always the strange kid that no one liked. I moved when going to middle school, and in the new town, same problem, no friends. I had given up with friends at this point and spent my time reading and studying everything I could find in encyclopedias, or hiding in the attic with my model trains.
Moved across the country and then started High School. Same problem again, no friends. Picked on a lot in high school, and basically the only friend I had was my older sisters boyfriend who was an adult.
My whole life, I felt different, weird, alone and depressed. I am highly intelligent and love physics, I remember writing English papers in middle school on relativity, my English teacher hadn't a clue what the paper was about and I got a bad grade on it (I still have a copy of that report). I got really depressed as a young adult, and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and have been treated for the past 7 years for the condition. I still had a poor outlook for myself, I could not ever see myself having a normal life, I always felt "damaged" in some way.
After being diagnosed this week, I am waiting for my first appointment with my new therapist which is 2 weeks from now. I have done a lot of research online about Aspergers and I now have answers for all the problems I have gone thru my entire life. Everything that I read online about Aspies explains to me what has been going wrong in my life, it is like those articles are written about Me, how I should deal with all My problems.
I feel so relieved now; I understand what the problem was. I don't know if it is a normal reaction, but I am so happy to find out that I have Aspergers Syndrome! I am not broken, I am just different, and I don't see all the weird things about me as problems anymore.
The last few days for me has been a journey thru my past, looking at all the difficulties I went thru as a child, and how they shaped the person that I am today (a mess in most peoples eyes). Every weird, quirky thing about me makes perfect sense now. How I don't know most relatives names that are not direct family (and we have a large extended family), I don't really even know the names of almost all the people at the small church I attend every week, but I can tell you what type and color shoes they wear to church each week. I cant look anyone in the face, it just feels weird to do that, so I look at their shoes. Everyone who knows me teases me about that; referencing others to me in ways like, "The woman with the black fuzzy shoes", or something similar. I don't take offense to it, but everyone else thinks it is really funny (I think they are laughing at me, but I could care less).
When talking to family members about my diagnosis, they see Aspie in everything about me. No one ever bothered to tell me how my conversations are usually way above their heads and they have no clue what I am talking about (until now). They never told me that I talk on and on, way past the end of their desire to listen anymore (until now). No one ever mentioned how strange it was that I almost never attend family events, that I come up with pathetic excuses to stay home (until now).
Autism runs thru the family, my niece, my cousin, my uncle is an obvious undiagnosed Aspie (I see that clearly now) and it never dawned upon me that I could be one. I cant wait for my first appointment, and waiting 2 weeks is going to kill me. I hope I can meet some people here who can relate to me. I don't know what to expect, but I do see things a lot differently already.
If I keep writing, this is going to turn into one of those stories where everyone's attention span was lost a few paragraphs ago, so I will stop before that happens (I would have never stopped before, but now I know better).
I am happy to be here and I guess my new adventure begins.
