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38 YEARS OLD JUST FINDING OUT NOW

B

Blinky1030

New Member
My entire life has been HELL and I'm 38 years old. The past 2 weeks i've been suicidal. I was desperate to find a solution. People kept telling me that I only talked fluidly during a heightened emotional state, or that I'd say mean things but didn't know it, or I had chronic meltdowns. I didn't know there was a name for this. I didn't understand my family members diagnosis ever. Didn't know what it meant until now.

My father has it, i think my brother too, my nephews have it, my mom's 2nd cousin, and now me? Runs on BOTH SIDES OF MY FAMILY. GEEZ.

I started a journal with 3 symptoms not knowing where it would take me. Im now at symptom # 35. Still journaling.

I've always been told I was gifted. My parents told me I taught myself how to read at age 3. I taught myself how to play piano at age 7. I love memorizing number patterns. List goes on and on.

I have a 140 IQ. I have a master's degree. I taught myself writing for the internet and graphic design. Did that from 2011 to 2016.

IM A HUGE CLUTZ. ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.

RECENTLY I was delivering (my job is a personal shopper where I have frequent meltdowns if dubstep isn't playing in my ears) to this huge apartment complex and couldn't figure out where to go. I was going in circles back and forth so overwhelmed. I flipped out on the lady I delivered to and began crying. I was so overwhelmed.

At age 7 my parents took me to Disney World and I got lost. Somehow separated from them. Scariest memory.

Every year on my birthday at night while trying to sleep the age that I was turning would be lit up on the wall ... the number "10" for example would be in lights on my wall. This stopped when I began smoking weed to be accepted by my friends.

I was always sensitive to gluten, caffeine ( can't sleep for days and or I'll rock back and forth or start twitching or pacing.

I stare at lines/ patterns in the walls for hours and I forget about the entire world around me. It's soothing. I've done this my whole life.

It took 27 years for me to figure out how to respond to the question "Hi, Good morning how are you?"


I need help bad. Im getting kicked out of where I'm living because of this. I'm suicidal and I NEED HELP NOW. IM SCARED. please help me
 
Welcome. Your best bet at this point is to call a suicide hotline, there’s not much we can do to help your situation instantly.
 
Hi Blinky1030
welcome to af.png


Please seek some professional help

Suicide/Self-Harm help hotlines & resources
 
Hi welcome, I wish I could help, but I have my own fish to fry so to speak. Please reach out to some of the resources mentioned above. I wish you the best, and hope that you feel better somehow soon.
 
Sorry to hear that. I was 55 when I was diagnosed so you are not alone.

Just remember you are not a klutz, you are not a failure. YOU ARE DIFFERENT. :)
Different doesn't mean bad nor useless. Please speak to someone about your suicidal feelings maybe a Dr, Nurse, Counsellor or your local ER.

Tell them you are in crisis. In the mean time we are here to talk to you if you want. Be kind to your self :D
 
StephF said:
Sorry to hear that. I was 55 when I was diagnosed so you are not alone.

Just remember you are not a klutz, you are not a failure. YOU ARE DIFFERENT. :)
Different doesn't mean bad nor useless. Please speak to someone about your suicidal feelings maybe a Dr, Nurse, Counsellor or your local ER.

Tell them you are in crisis. In the mean time we are here to talk to you if you want. Be kind to your self :D
Click to expand...
Good plan, but I'd avoid the word crisis, unless you want to be on a 72 hour hold. Saying you are feeling depressed is enough. Unless you want to be locked up. If you do want to be locked up a while, say crisis, and suicidal, that will definitely do the trick.
 
Blinky1030 said:
Thank you. I guess I should be grateful I already have a psychiatrist. Hope he has some ideas
Click to expand...
I'm sure he will have plenty of drugs for you to try ;) sometimes medicine is necessary though. Having someone to talk to when you feel that way, who isn't going to judge you is probably another helpful thing. There's a lot of people in your shoes or have been there here, that may be able to help.
 
Everything you describe sounds perfectly normal. So take a few deep breaths, sort your living situation out, talk to your psychiatrist and go from there. You're smart, with your family background and experience, you know the symptoms. You can do this, take it one step at a time.
 
Major Tom said:
Good plan, but I'd avoid the word crisis, unless you want to be on a 72 hour hold. Saying you are feeling depressed is enough. Unless you want to be locked up. If you do want to be locked up a while, say crisis, and suicidal, that will definitely do the trick.
Click to expand...
That really depends on where you live. I’ve been going through a crisis of my own recently. I’ve mentioned feeling suicidal and being in a crisis to my family doctor and my psychologist, to which they responded by making an emergency referral to a psychiatrist and making sure I visit their practice twice a week so they can keep tabs on me while I am waiting for my intake at the psychiatrist. I am not being charged for this, because that’s not how healthcare works here. I called a suicide hotline today because I was having another crisis with constant suicidal thoughts. I got help from two very friendly people who helped me calm down and helped me plan out activities to keep my mind occupied through the weekend.

It’s just an example, but not every health care system insists on involuntary locking people up when they express suicidal thoughts. It is only when you are deemed an immediate danger to yourself or those around you by a doctor that you are legally permitted to have someone admitted against their will.
 
Everyone here is concerned and telling you to call for help and I agree. This life is hard and sometimes we all need help. I'm not understanding why you're being kicked out from where you are, but depending on where you are living, you might can get some help with that, too.
I think, when someone is on the spectrum emotions get so intense it's hard to handle them and we don't know how. Just hang on tight to something positive, call for help and don't do anything drastic. Give us a contract that you will not do anything without talking to someone first.
 
Blinky1030 said:
My entire life has been HELL and I'm 38 years old. The past 2 weeks i've been suicidal. I was desperate to find a solution. People kept telling me that I only talked fluidly during a heightened emotional state, or that I'd say mean things but didn't know it, or I had chronic meltdowns. I didn't know there was a name for this. I didn't understand my family members diagnosis ever. Didn't know what it meant until now.

My father has it, i think my brother too, my nephews have it, my mom's 2nd cousin, and now me? Runs on BOTH SIDES OF MY FAMILY. GEEZ.

I started a journal with 3 symptoms not knowing where it would take me. Im now at symptom # 35. Still journaling.

I've always been told I was gifted. My parents told me I taught myself how to read at age 3. I taught myself how to play piano at age 7. I love memorizing number patterns. List goes on and on.

I have a 140 IQ. I have a master's degree. I taught myself writing for the internet and graphic design. Did that from 2011 to 2016.

IM A HUGE CLUTZ. ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.

RECENTLY I was delivering (my job is a personal shopper where I have frequent meltdowns if dubstep isn't playing in my ears) to this huge apartment complex and couldn't figure out where to go. I was going in circles back and forth so overwhelmed. I flipped out on the lady I delivered to and began crying. I was so overwhelmed.

At age 7 my parents took me to Disney World and I got lost. Somehow separated from them. Scariest memory.

Every year on my birthday at night while trying to sleep the age that I was turning would be lit up on the wall ... the number "10" for example would be in lights on my wall. This stopped when I began smoking weed to be accepted by my friends.

I was always sensitive to gluten, caffeine ( can't sleep for days and or I'll rock back and forth or start twitching or pacing.

I stare at lines/ patterns in the walls for hours and I forget about the entire world around me. It's soothing. I've done this my whole life.

It took 27 years for me to figure out how to respond to the question "Hi, Good morning how are you?"


I need help bad. Im getting kicked out of where I'm living because of this. I'm suicidal and I NEED HELP NOW. IM SCARED. please help me
Click to expand...
Please seek help! You're worthwhile.
 
Please don't harm yourself!

Welcome to people who can relate! Give us a chance to get to know you. You sound smart and sensitive and have been really chewed up by so many who may not have understood that. Give yourself a chance to be a part of our group, of any ND (Neurodiverse) group and to open up the parts of yourself that have been thwarted.

You are welcome here and I really look forward to knowing your gifts and ideas things you offer to the world and to our group! Do all your can to preserve yourself. You are worth it.
 
Welcome! You've come to the right place for answers. Other people on this forum have come through this same hell just fine. You can too. My entire life was HELL until I was 39 years old. Then for the first time something worthwhile finally became available to me, which made every bad thing that happened to me during the last half century worth surviving. Give yourself a chance. Don't quit now that you have a diagnosis. You can work with it and decide what you want to do. Now that you know what's what, take that knowledge and make it work for you.

How are your other family members coping? Any of them succeeding in ways you wish you could? What is it you really want?
 
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