48 years old, and now I find out

[Nervous Rex]

I had a big freak out at work a few months back that brought to my attention how much I crave constancy and fear change. And I embarassed myself and truly worried my employer. That, plus the anxiety of regular layoffs (despite me being well-valued and respected) led me to seek out a counselor. I met with him for the first time today and started my introduction with “at best, I need some tools to cope better. At worst, I’m worried about my mental health.”

We discussed anxiety, perfectionism, social interactions, and a few other things that I thought were pretty random topics. Then he said, “I think you’re ready to hear this. Autism is ...”. He said that because I’m so high-functioning, I might never get a formal diagnosis, but that everything we discussed lines up with Autism (so, for now, I listed myself as “self diagnosed” on this forum).

I’m still absorbing this. It’ll take a while. Right now, I alternate between being as pragmatic as possible and wanting to cry. I tell myself that I haven’t changed - this is still the same mind I have worked with all my life. The only thing that has changed is that now there’s a name to my collection of gifts and deficiencies.

I guess, I have spent my life thinking that one day I’ll get my act together, that I just haven’t been trying hard enough. Now, I find out that everything I’ve been working to overcome, hide, or normalize is hard-wired into my brain. It’s like thinking that I should be able to run as well as everyone else, but I must not be trying hard enough, and someone comes along and says, “Did you know that you don’t have knees?”

I will get to acceptance, but I’m not there yet. It will be work for me to use this as a way to get insight into how to cope and work with it, and not use it for excuses or attention seeking. I need to learn what works and what doesn’t. I need to know what my blind spots are.

I have a lot to learn. Thanks for letting me talk.

 

[Streetwise]

Officially diagnosed two years ago Im now 47,I think until the word autism becomes something that doesn't make me panic then it will just be me panicking about it .

 

[FreeDiver]

Hello and welcome to AspieCentral. You're free to talk all you want here. Your story describes my life perfectly. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 41.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Gracey]

Hello Nervous Rex

 

[StephF]

Hi, I was late diagnosed at 54 so I follow what you are saying.
Take it easy, you don't learn to run. You start by walking.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome. Dx'd @ 45.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

46.

Slowpoke

 

[Major Tom]

I was diagnosed at 34. I actually felt relieved and helped me realize many of the things I thought was "them", was actually me, and it helped me to overcome quite a bit since. I hope eventually the same will happen to you.

 

[Voltaic]

I find it hard to belive all you guys are to put it frankly, old :/ Considering how much I dealt with in my childhood, I thought for a bit that it was a late diagnosis at 17. Thinking now, The diagnosis is a tool. I am not going to mope around that I didn't have a hammer when I needed it yesterday, right now I am just glad I have a hammer to help get the work done. Convoluted metaphors aside, the diagnosis is just a bit of information. You can use that information to your advantage, catering parts of your life around your characteristics to make life easier.

 

[wight]

Same thing here, Rex. Seeing a therapist and autism comes up at 47. My first reaction was "why didn't someone tell me?!" Took a while to process it all.

 

[Fitzo]

Welcome.

67 here!

Takes a while to get used to the idea but we here to help.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi there. Soon to be 48 and not official yet.

A very big welcome to a very comfortable and warm forum.

I spent years trying all kinds of techniques to fit in. From: I obviously need to be around people more, to: I obviously need to not be around people more.

It is only now that I am being to be able to explain an emotion; mostly after the event, but just occasionally, a light bulb moment goes off and I can say: I am frustrated or I am angry because of this.

I never thought I was a perfectionist, because I felt I had nothing to be a perfectionist about; no talents etc and then, I was put into a situation, that I could not run away from and bingo, it hit me that I am a perfectionist, because it has to be spot on and if I cannot get it to be spot on, I rather not even try, that to deal with the crushing defeat.

When I learned about aspergers, it was like: aha that is what is going on. That is why all those years of wondering what the heck is wrong with me, that I cannot be like other females, fell into place. Because I do not speak the same unspoken language and so, when in my own sex's company, I want to run a mile.

Stimming has become more pronounced, but that is because I finally understand what it is and now, not so self conscious in stimming.

If my routine changes, I get anxiety attacks. But if my routine doesn't change, I can feel depressed and lonely.

My husband has taken to mimicking me when I take something literal and this is very uncomfortable, because I actually get frustrated at him; not for mocking, but because it makes me want to say: are you stupid or something? That causes me untold misery, because I can see why nts would consider me a bit simple.

 

[WereBear]

It’s like thinking that I should be able to run as well as everyone else, but I must not be trying hard enough, and someone comes along and says, “Did you know that you don’t have knees?”

LOL!

Likewise, I coped well despite what I look back on now and realized was Asperger's creating fatigue and anxiety. Until what I thought was just a hellish menopause (and it was) turned into a self-diagnosis, and then an official diagnosis, of Asperger's. Which was great, for me.

Now I knew what was going on, I am steadily getting better. I hope it works that way for you, too.

I wound up with a job change (no more meeting the public) and got a situation set up so I can work at home more and have a day for travel, which gets me out of the crowded, noisy, office. Now I know going out with my friends, as delightful as it is, is not "relaxing" like my doctor recommended

Sometimes I feel lucky that I wasn't diagnosed as a child... because look at all the misplaced "therapy" and societal prejudice I would have dealt with.

 

[Full Steam]

Hi, 47.

Good name by the way.

It takes a while. There was a thread about this a while back, about the different stages of acceptance.

I still feel weird saying autism, but aspergers seems incorrect. Maybe I should ignore what allistic people call us and just make my own way.

 

[WereBear]

I still feel weird saying autism, but aspergers seems incorrect. Maybe I should ignore what allistic people call us and just make my own way.

I think they know far less about High Functioning than they do about Low Functioning, for one thing.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Welcome to this forum Nervous Rex. People here are warm and helpful and I think will supportive to you and assist with understanding.

 

[Nervous Rex]

the diagnosis is just a bit of information. You can use that information to your advantage, catering parts of your life around your characteristics to make life easier.

That is good advice, thank you. I have always thought, "I don't deal well with X," but my solution has always been to try to tough it out, not to seek to change my life. But that has led to a constant feeling of desperately just barely getting by, and jealously wondering how other people get so much more done.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Likewise, I coped well despite what I look back on now and realized was Asperger's creating fatigue and anxiety.

The fatigue is part of it, too?! I am always tired and always thinking I could get more done if I wasn't so tired and unfocused.

I have a lot to learn.

 

[tree]