I don't know how to write this post. I'll try anyway. It will probably be long; be warned. As I become more upset, talking becomes more difficult, then also typing. Once I start typing, though, moderating what comes out doesn't necessarily happen enough. There's nothing that is wanted from anyone. Is it then just a rant? I don't know. I want something, just not knowing what. If I write inappropriately, know that it's not intentional.
There's another support site, on which I am much more active than here. I am very addicted; it is the focus of my life for four months. Much positivity has come to me through it. I can express my thoughts, feelings and talk about what's happening. I've gotten support and given it; that two-way street doesn't exist in real life - usually neither side of it to this extent.
There are negative aspects, too, due to my easily-triggered emotions and to how easy it is to make mistakes in such a forum. We get through them, and people can actually become closer afterwards.
Everything until now was only a very brief introduction to the specific issue bothering me now. Soon after joining the site, I became part of a circle of members who chat a lot - both about serious topics and fun, often inane banter. One of those people we'll call B. She is very active, "reacting" (with likes and the like) to almost everything and commenting.
At some point, I realized that B had stopped interacting with me. There had been no argument between us, and she hadn't registered any complaints that she had with me. It hurt me, but people have the right to pick their friends. I do think that ghosting someone (ignoring without explanation) is terrible social behavior. I've been the victim of it in real life - and it feels so bad. I've also been the perpetrator - and feel guilty years later. The uncertainty involved is the worst. If you have to end a relationship, tell the other person that you're doing it. How much you say is a personal choice, but tell them something.
It's not just the emotional hurt that's a problem. B and I continued to circulate in the same threads. She would comment on people who commented on my comments, but wouldn't address me directly. This went on for some weeks. Eventually, I reached out to her, but there was no response. Then, I realized what must have happened: She put me on "Ignore". If it were true, it blocked her from seeing anything that I wrote. Now I was left to wonder something else: Did she do it accidentally, hitting the button without noticing? I had to know, and it bothered me considerably.
I tried reaching out through third parties, via private messages to them. I then asked publicly (without mentioning B by name) if someone would help. All I was told is to forget about B, that I'm an adult - which is evidently not true.
I don't know what changed, but she soon started interacting with me again. Not only that, but she followed me, something that she hadn't done in the first place. It matters in her case, because her settings only allow those who she follows to view her profile page. B went back to constantly talking with me, without any conversation between us about her previous actions. I was fine to just try moving ahead.
Last night, which was three days after the resumption of our relationship, she started ignoring me again. It destroyed me. As I said, that site is my lifeline, since I've had little interest in other activities for months now. Even if I reciprocate and put B on "Ignore", her name is everywhere. I hate her for what she's doing to me, but I hate myself a lot more. I'm thinking about suicide today more than I have in a few months. (It never goes away - not in over 25 years now - but there are gradients to how intrusive the thoughts are.)
I could go on and on, but there's no reason to do so. I challenge anyone to tell me something that I don't yet know. Yes, I know that I need professional help, and that I'm not doing enough to access it. (I did have a conversation this morning with a social worker, who has been trying to connect me with care.) It's hard enough these days to get out of bed. I'll stop now.
There's another support site, on which I am much more active than here. I am very addicted; it is the focus of my life for four months. Much positivity has come to me through it. I can express my thoughts, feelings and talk about what's happening. I've gotten support and given it; that two-way street doesn't exist in real life - usually neither side of it to this extent.
There are negative aspects, too, due to my easily-triggered emotions and to how easy it is to make mistakes in such a forum. We get through them, and people can actually become closer afterwards.
Everything until now was only a very brief introduction to the specific issue bothering me now. Soon after joining the site, I became part of a circle of members who chat a lot - both about serious topics and fun, often inane banter. One of those people we'll call B. She is very active, "reacting" (with likes and the like) to almost everything and commenting.
At some point, I realized that B had stopped interacting with me. There had been no argument between us, and she hadn't registered any complaints that she had with me. It hurt me, but people have the right to pick their friends. I do think that ghosting someone (ignoring without explanation) is terrible social behavior. I've been the victim of it in real life - and it feels so bad. I've also been the perpetrator - and feel guilty years later. The uncertainty involved is the worst. If you have to end a relationship, tell the other person that you're doing it. How much you say is a personal choice, but tell them something.
It's not just the emotional hurt that's a problem. B and I continued to circulate in the same threads. She would comment on people who commented on my comments, but wouldn't address me directly. This went on for some weeks. Eventually, I reached out to her, but there was no response. Then, I realized what must have happened: She put me on "Ignore". If it were true, it blocked her from seeing anything that I wrote. Now I was left to wonder something else: Did she do it accidentally, hitting the button without noticing? I had to know, and it bothered me considerably.
I tried reaching out through third parties, via private messages to them. I then asked publicly (without mentioning B by name) if someone would help. All I was told is to forget about B, that I'm an adult - which is evidently not true.
I don't know what changed, but she soon started interacting with me again. Not only that, but she followed me, something that she hadn't done in the first place. It matters in her case, because her settings only allow those who she follows to view her profile page. B went back to constantly talking with me, without any conversation between us about her previous actions. I was fine to just try moving ahead.
Last night, which was three days after the resumption of our relationship, she started ignoring me again. It destroyed me. As I said, that site is my lifeline, since I've had little interest in other activities for months now. Even if I reciprocate and put B on "Ignore", her name is everywhere. I hate her for what she's doing to me, but I hate myself a lot more. I'm thinking about suicide today more than I have in a few months. (It never goes away - not in over 25 years now - but there are gradients to how intrusive the thoughts are.)
I could go on and on, but there's no reason to do so. I challenge anyone to tell me something that I don't yet know. Yes, I know that I need professional help, and that I'm not doing enough to access it. (I did have a conversation this morning with a social worker, who has been trying to connect me with care.) It's hard enough these days to get out of bed. I'll stop now.
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