A family Christmas memory.

[Metalhead]

My mother still brings this up to this very day, talking about how much I hurt her and about how she believes my anger came out of nowhere.

This was Christmas Eve. My mother’s side of the family was all there. My aunt, who sexually abused me when I was younger, suggested we pulled out my mother’s 18+ Truth or Dare tiles and play with them with four generations of family in the room. My mother agrees, and when I told her I wanted no part of it, her exact words were, “Shut up, you’re playing.”

Well, during this, my mother outed my homosexuality to family members who are extreme homophobes. And when one of the extreme homophobes received a tile daring him to rub noses with somebody else in the room, my mother giggled while suggesting he rubbed noses with the other extremely homophobic man in the room. I was disgusted.

After that appalling display of inhumanity, I pulled my mother aside and I told her I did not want to be outed like that. My mother responded by saying that she saw nothing wrong with being proud of her gay son. Funny, because when I first told her I was gay, she went behind my back and told everybody I thought I was gay but I was too stupid to know what I really wanted.

I then decided I was going to leave this gathering to hit an AA meeting. As soon as my mother heard that, she rallied up the family against me claiming that the meeting was not on because of the holiday (the meeting was still on), and claiming that blood family was more important than my sobriety.

A couple of days later, my mother gives me a call. I tell her she grossly violated my boundaries. She then says I am making mountains out of molehills. I hang up on her. Fifteen minutes later, she shows up on my doorstep. She is hysterical. She is claiming I should never hang up on her, and that I am overreacting to a silly little game. I told her my boundaries were important to me. She runs off crying. Then, two hours later, she calls me and asks me if my AA sponsor talked me into going it my antidepressant medications.

My AA sponsor then told me that I should not disown my mother over this because I was an alcoholic and therefore I was a lesser person than she was.

 

[Aspychata]

This should be a story of how not raise a innocent child. Not sure if l could have made it thru all you did.

 

[Knower of nothing]

Have you disowned her since then? I think you handled that really well, especially hanging up, i.e. denying contact seems effective (which is a massive red flag but that's another story). Sometimes it's cartoonish the difference in maturity between mother and child. The things some people get away with just because they never needed to grow up because tradition smoothed over their warts.
I wish I could deny them the escapism of thinking they're good people and I feel no shame in that.

Vaguely related, I also feel no shame in my decision to never ever come out to my parents or immediate family. I don't care if they find out, but it won't come from my mouth. Very weird thing to assume family has any business knowing. Who do they think they are? Anyway, that's me needing a break. It's not even something related to my own life but these stories make me so furious. Can't imagine how angry I'd be if my own family actually WAS guilty of behavior like that. Perhaps I'd know if I ever hung out with them, ignorance is bliss.

 

[Sunny1]

Oh, Metalhead, I am so sorry that so many things are so difficult for you. I believe your mother's behavior to be totally reprehensible. starting with the "Shut up". Disrespectful and uncalled for. And your sobriety holds your future. Don't give that up for anything.

 

[Fino]

I'm starting to develop rather strong, negative feelings toward your mother and aunt. You are strong in how you handle it. I'm not sure if I could handle it with the same fortitude. It might not feel like it, but you should be proud of yourself. I don't remember if you've already mentioned it before, but I hope you have a different sponsor by now. As you likely know, being an alcoholic in no way diminishes your personhood.

 

[Metalhead]

Yeah, I probably should not have made this post. It is obvious my mother is an extreme narcissist. I cannot change her, and sometimes I dive into self pity when I think of the past. Talking about things she has done will get me nowhere.

 

[farcryrush]

What a terrible thing to experience. I'm sorry you not only had to go through that, but that you didn't get the support you needed from your sponsor either.

Your mother clearly a raging narcissist, as you've pointed out. It seems you're concerned about ruminating on the past too, but it's important also not to gloss over it and stuff it down. I hope you can find the right balance there.