A Friend Of A Friend Of Mine...

[Gomendosi]

This may seem quite random but I am curious to know if this is an aspergical thing or entirely my own doing, but it seems I make friends with people that haven?t many friends.

It would appear that all my life I have made really close friends with only a few people and later found out that they too have very few friends themselves.
Of course I do know popular people as well, but I tend not to make these people close friends, I always end up holding those ones at arms length so to speak, maybe from fear of them trying to introduce me to their friends or something?
I want to be in control of my own interactions, if I wanted to know your chums I would have already introduced myself yeah?

Do the people you become friends with have heaps of buddies or none to really speak of?
Are you more likely to be friends with someone who you know to be on the less social side?

I am thinking this is an aspergical thing in terms of having social phobia but wanting to have contact, so find friends with few friends so your contact is at your own discretion. Maybe... Just a theory, what do you think?

 

[King_Oni]

Well... yeah, I tend to socialize more with people who have only a few friends. But 2 things come to mind; 1. something I adressed in another post on this board... I'm kinda of an exception I guess since all people I befriend are either on or suspected to be on the spectrum and 2. "when do I consider someone a friend?".

And especially point 2 is a tough one. Is someone a friend with whom I have a beer? Or someone who comes over at my place to hang out? Someone I share activities with? Maybe that's a totally seperate thing, but it might as well be that aspies even view those criteria of what makes someone a friend different then NT people.

For me... friends... and thinking about it... friends, a few, good/close friends, a lot less. Out of the 5 people I could consider "friends", 3 out of 5 I rarely talk to, but it's people with whom I have something in common and can pretty much at any given moment start a conversation and hang out a bit.Those other 2... one is a guy I pretty much see every day, talk to almost every day, we go out for a walk in the night, talk hobbies, so we have a lot in common. The other one... well, technically I don't know if it even counts... my girlfriend. Think that kinda is a different deal entirely when talking about "how do you define friendship"... cause then you put in "how do you define relationship".. which is not what this topic is about.

 

[Arashi222]

For real life in person friendships I tend to make friends with those that don't have a lot of friends. But I also noticed that I tend to make friends with people who seem to not be the popular too. I also think it has to do with the fact that its so hard for me to be friends with people that its a dance. You know that give and take that doesn't come naturally to us? Yah that one. I often feel like I give so much and then when I finally ask for a little understanding those with a lot of friends just drop me because then I am being too much to handle or whatever.

 

[Gomendosi]

Well... yeah, I tend to socialize more with people who have only a few friends. But 2 things come to mind; 1. something I adressed in another post on this board... I'm kinda of an exception I guess since all people I befriend are either on or suspected to be on the spectrum and 2. "when do I consider someone a friend?".

And especially point 2 is a tough one. Is someone a friend with whom I have a beer? Or someone who comes over at my place to hang out? Someone I share activities with? Maybe that's a totally seperate thing, but it might as well be that aspies even view those criteria of what makes someone a friend different then NT people.

For me... friends... and thinking about it... friends, a few, good/close friends, a lot less. Out of the 5 people I could consider "friends", 3 out of 5 I rarely talk to, but it's people with whom I have something in common and can pretty much at any given moment start a conversation and hang out a bit.Those other 2... one is a guy I pretty much see every day, talk to almost every day, we go out for a walk in the night, talk hobbies, so we have a lot in common. The other one... well, technically I don't know if it even counts... my girlfriend. Think that kinda is a different deal entirely when talking about "how do you define friendship"... cause then you put in "how do you define relationship".. which is not what this topic is about.

King_Oni, it kinda seems to me that you and I are posting around in circles here, a few times I have posted about friendships and your always the first to post with 'what is friendship', I may well have mentioned before that I cant possibly know what constitutes a friendship in your own opinion and therefore when I post in the "Friends And Family" section of the forum I assume that everybody would go by their own definition or at least the most popular.
If you?re still having issues with my take on the subject in particular, you may feel free to PM me and I can try to explain further how I classify the idea of a friendship ; ]

Also, I think perhaps I saw your post in the other thread about your friends being on the spectrum, I think this is different though, but the mods will pick it up and join them if they are similar... I think ; ]

For real life in person friendships I tend to make friends with those that don't have a lot of friends. But I also noticed that I tend to make friends with people who seem to not be the popular too. I also think it has to do with the fact that its so hard for me to be friends with people that its a dance. You know that give and take that doesn't come naturally to us? Yah that one. I often feel like I give so much and then when I finally ask for a little understanding those with a lot of friends just drop me because then I am being too much to handle or whatever.

Arashi222, I think if we make friends with somebody who has a lot of friends, there comes a point where they are gonna want to include us in their circle or phase us out and if we cant handle the group gatherings we end up losing the "popular" friends. Friendly people want to share friends around I think and if we are exclusive, or one-on-one friendships, that can be trying for them perhaps.

 

[Arashi222]

Gomendosi: I agree with you completely. I think you are right that we tend to be more exclusive in our relationships and want that one on one time with people. Its hard to be friends with popular people because they may not want to share you but they don't want to include you either because of you're weirdness. My ex-friends are good examples of the latter.

 

[Aalo]

I totally understand that people at spectrum like profound human interactions. I don't either want to waste my time on someone who doesn't appreciate it, or me.
But in the other hand I feel it deliberating to know that none is dependent about me. I've been thinking a lot about social hierarchies and where as many seem to be jealous, or such, if their friend thinks someone else as better friend than their selves, I like the fact that I haven't made myself imperative for anyone, and that's purely intentional. As much as I'd like to be someones only best friend, it's not me. As I know I'm not good at communication just for the sake of daily - or weekly - or monthly talking, it's really good to know to that friends have somebody else to go to. I could never take on them all the time.

So in a way I don't care how many friends they have, but I might be little interested on how they're like. In the whole that's not any of my business either, so that's just an occasional interest. I won't neither be really interested on meeting their friends, but won't flee it situation like that comes ahead. I also know that I would have no chance with too popular and busy people, but manage to find people from between.