A friend refuses to attempt using tact

[paloftoon]

Hi all, I have a friend who doesn't care about context and tact that much. He'll just try to friend request friends of mine on Facebook without having met them or knowing in some context about commonalities. He won't even try to ask me to set up a potential conversation or friendship with them.

As a good friend of his, I don't have a problem telling him ways he can be tactful. I ask him just to try and encourage him that attempting to be tactful is more attractive and healthy as an individual (for dating and for friendship). It does matter. His response is that it's too stressful- so he doesn't want to do it. Also, that I "don't know the whole story" but he doesn't always tell me the whole story right out. And when I find out the whole story, I find out his options are limited because of things such as he won't go meet someone in the city because of its grittiness and density, even if the guy has a bigger place, is doing better than him financially, is a good match personality wise and interest wise otherwise and is okay with him for everything else besides simply the fact that he doesn't want to move. People can't move where he lives if their decent paying jobs are not near where he lives.

In another case, he told me that a friend of mine initiated a Facebook message to him to try to cover up his social faux pas. When I talked to that friend, he told me that he messaged my other friend first because he was sent a friend request first. Then I asked my original friend about it and he said he did initiate a (random) friend request first and that he doesn't need to ask me for permission to add or talk to whoever he wants to. I told him he's right, he doesn't have to, but he should attempt to be tactful.

Any other thoughts?

I'm not sure I want to keep him as a FB friend if this is how he's going to be. He's even picky about online games- he hates anything that looks scary and doesn't like games that are too complicated.

 

[Els]

There's an option in the settings on facebook that doesn't allow people to see your friend's list. They would still see the comments/pictures and so on - maybe there's an other setting possible.
I'd personally get rid of him, but I might lack tact as well.

 

[paloftoon]

I don't like to do that as I don't mind or care other people seeing my friends list. I don't personally care if their profiles are open to access or if he looks if he can. That's human. But, yeah, if I'm going to be having people questioning me about what's going on, then it gets kinda weird. If my friend wants me to ask for him if the connection can be established for him first, I'd be okay with that actually. But for him just to msg whoever, it crosses social boundaries. I don't mind that he is not good at being tactful, but when I'm constantly willing to guide him so that he can build his tactfulness and refuses to try, then it makes me re-consider my options.

 

[Els]

I don't think you should take responsability for him.
I had an ex who was stalking everything as well, and he talked to some of my friends without asking me nor knowing them. It was sick. My friends list is closed now. I don't believe because it's human I need to tolerate such behaviours, even less take responsability of another's.

 

[paloftoon]

Oh on top of all this, he told me he was feeling lonely and depressed. I looked at my list and confirmed with two additional friends, one remote only and the other with the potential to walk with him (socially distant) and meet in-person. Got permission from both ends for the connections to happen.

 

[Fino]

They seem like odd things for you to concern yourself with but maybe I've just never been friends with someone in this way.

 

[paloftoon]

I guess I concern myself with these things because I used to get confused by such things more too. And I want to show that I am a real friend. It is a strength I have to try to keep friendships strong and help people grow. If they don't want to take those steps, and if their actions impede or kinda impede on me, then it's a sign for me to move on. With this person, I'd still talk to him.

 

[paloftoon]

I ended up unfriending this person today. I decided to do this on the same day that I would unmatch a date who was intentionally being an asshole even though our only video chat hour went well. Apparently, he found something he liked more and didn't think my time was worth valuing.

Yesterday, I figured out a simple enough game he knew how to play- Yahtzee.
We started to play online, but then he didn't want to play. He said he couldn't figure it out but it was more like he didn't want to do it. Like wtf. Ugh. Time to move on ;(

 

[Kalinychta]

So you’re saying that your friends are bothered and/or weirded out by his friend requests? Do they tell you so? How often does he do it? I’m not on social media, but I thought people do that all the time. No?

Perhaps he doesn’t follow your advice about meeting people in person because he just likes to chat online. It sounds to me like you get very frustrated when he doesn’t do what you say—from not meeting people you suggest he get together with, to not wanting to play Yahtzee with you, to not taking the steps you recommend to “keep friendships strong and help people grow.” I’d say just chill out and stop telling him what to do. He isn’t your responsibility, and if he wants your advice, I’m sure he’ll ask for it.

 

[paloftoon]

So you’re saying that your friends are bothered and/or weirded out by his friend requests? Do they tell you so? How often does he do it? I’m not on social media, but I thought people do that all the time. No?

Perhaps he doesn’t follow your advice about meeting people in person because he just likes to chat online. It sounds to me like you get very frustrated when he doesn’t do what you say—from not meeting people you suggest he get together with, to not wanting to play Yahtzee with you, to not taking the steps you recommend to “keep friendships strong and help people grow.” I’d say just chill out and stop telling him what to do. He isn’t your responsibility, and if he wants your advice, I’m sure he’ll ask for it.

Yes, a few of my friends have said or implied this. Chatting through personal FB profiles directly without additional context of not having met in a group or in-person is not an appropriate medium.
My former friend told me he was lonely. So, I offered him some potential connections. If he chooses not to take them, that's up to him.

If you use FB and you understand the setup, this would make sense.

When what he does burdens my life and he's no fun to hang with on top of that, it is as if I'm taking care of him. So, in a sense, yes, he did ask for my advice and help directly and indirectly.

Time to move on.

 

[Trophonius]

It's not your problem. Not everyone needs to behave under the same principles as you. I think it's best to either let it be, or to dissociate yourself from that person. If someone else feels uncomfortable with his behavior, it's their problem and they should take measures (telling, blocking him, whatever).

Also... it's facebook... I wouldn't take it too seriously. Facebook friends are not real friends anyway. It's up to each to set their limits and privacy in this platforms.

 

[paloftoon]

It's not your problem. Not everyone needs to behave under the same principles as you. I think it's best to either let it be, or to dissociate yourself from that person. If someone else feels uncomfortable with his behavior, it's their problem and they should take measures (telling, blocking him, whatever).

Also... it's facebook... I wouldn't take it too seriously. Facebook friends are not real friends anyway. It's up to each to set their limits and privacy in this platforms.

I've met this person in real life and have hung out with him on numerous occasions. So, he wasn't just an online/Facebook friend only.