A frustrating date

[paloftoon]

I'm trying to meet a guy by going to him. We've met three times since late August, but I always have to go to him. It's getting to the point where I'm getting annoyed and uncomfortable. The 2nd time I met him, we had a long talk and he explained how he was going through a lot and truly interested in me, but just not comfortable managing it all.

We talked about meeting on Sun. but everything is last min with him. He says being a planner stresses him out. I am a planner though. I can accept some things last minute, but not like every single little thing when it affects my time and energy so much.

For instance, he has a place in the city. It's hard to park. First, we were going to meet at a night market, but since it started raining heavily, he didn't want to go out. Then, after I parked, the rain slowed, and right when I arrive, he wants to go to the night market. I ask him to hang at his place for awhile since I just got here and it's hard to park. Then, we go to the night market and I feel weird that he doesn't share his food or say anything about not wanting to share it. Then I buy an ice cream sandwich and it sounds like he offers to pay it, but I already have my money out for it anyway. I had bought a meal for him earlier, in trusting he would buy me back later on. Now, I don't care about that.

I do trust him because he's acquainted with people I know, my understanding of his mannerisms, and the time and the way he has chatted with me. I'm also turned off because I just feel like I do not matter to him even though he wants me to matter to him. I don't think he is ready for a committed ltr as he is aiming for, and I've been taking it slow with him until this week. This week, I had 3 additional days open up, and I wanted to meet him in-person wherever he was cause we weren't too far and it is hard for him to come to me because he gets overwhelmed by his teaching job. I know cause I used to teach.

I'd even offered to try to help him with lesson plans and/or organizing in his home, but he has a certain way of organizing things and needs to do last minute lesson plans because it stresses him out to do them early even though he gets stressed doing them last minute too. I also offered just to stay at his place and simply chill, but he really wanted to go to the night market.

I know people can change and mature, but if it happens and both of us are still available after a few years, I'd reconsider. I don't mind trying to have him as a friend and even having him for fun, but I'm going to let him make effort to hang out with me at my convenience first. I still may have to see him once more in addition to trying to talk to him in-person about not aiming for ltr with him anymore, cause i got myself into a situation where I'm a volunteer where he works, lol.

 

[Pats]

I'd quit trying. I'm not sure if I'd do the volunteer thing where he works, though. He might take it as chasing him.

 

[Autistamatic]

Can I ask you, Is this guy on the spectrum or is he NT? Some of the behaviours you describe sound kind of AS to me.

 

[TempeFan]

Yep. Just say NEXT. It's been my experience that when a guy is that disrespectful and inconsiderate and then blames you for "stressing him out", he does not change or mature and will never participate in ltr.

 

[BraidedPony]

It sounds like you are doing all the work, which is getting old fast.
Let him put in some effort and in the meantime keep looking!

 

[paloftoon]

Can I ask you, Is this guy on the spectrum or is he NT? Some of the behaviours you describe sound kind of AS to me.

He is not on the spectrum but what I gather. He probably should be diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression though based on my experiences with him.

 

[paloftoon]

Yep. Just say NEXT. It's been my experience that when a guy is that disrespectful and inconsiderate and then blames you for "stressing him out", he does not change or mature and will never participate in ltr.

I never sensed he was blaming me per se. Our last two dates, he's been feeling relatively under the weather. He seems to get sick a lot. I don't feel he is handling the job well even though I feel he is very good at it overall. After 14 years of job experience or so that he has had, it seems to be wearing on him even though his in a "middle of the road" school where the discipline and enthusiasm isn't great, but it isn't horrible either. He doesn't have to be afraid of violence per se, but a lot of the kids are not interested in school at all and not that outstanding. It's a school which is a magnet that ends up being "one of the ones on the bottom of all the other magnets."

He's been in a few other ltrs. He briefly described a few to me where he felt like he was the one being used. That may've been the case, but it's quite ironic that I feel like he's unintentionally doing the same thing to me. I have a friend that happens to know him, and this helps with my comfortability and understanding of him. I also have a former colleague who has worked with his best friend colleague. Apparently, his best friend colleague and I worked together in the same building, but we never (significantly) interacted together with each other. I don't feel he's a bad person at all at this point, but probably emotionally messed up . I've kind of been in this place myself, so it's easier for me to relate and handle.

 

[paloftoon]

I'd quit trying. I'm not sure if I'd do the volunteer thing where he works, though. He might take it as chasing him.

Well, I was chasing him a bit, lol. I started to make this mistake, but then I "dotted all my ts and is" by telling him what I was planning on doing. During our 2nd date, we discussed this and he told me he was totally okay with me volunteering and did want to sit in my volunteering session. He also confirmed with me that it would not affect his scheduling. Also, he told me that he have interest in me.

So, yeah, with all these confirmations, I have to volunteer at least once. I'm sure I will like volunteering actually. After that though, I will probably let the advisor know (different than my date) that for personal reasons, I am not able to continue. And just thank her for letting me help out. On top of that, I can try to make another connection at the school because my date told me there was a new teacher who needs math books that I don't need. I need to clear my life of some clutter if I can. It's funny how I am approaching life with this school right now, but it's not a bad thing. Just very different.

Maybe after the 3rd date, he wasn't feeling it or just out of it. But yeah, I'm trying to meet him again but getting him to come to things I'm doing. He needs to come to me if I would even want to consider ltr at all.

There's another part of me that wants to meet him in-person to tell him that I can't consider being in an ltr with him because I don't feel like a person. And that I am more a servant, but I'll still try to build a friendship and maybe uncommitted fun with him. I'm not sure if I should be making the effort to tell him unless he initiates contacting me. If he does, which he has before, it is still better to meet in-person to give him a chance to express his feelings too. I guess the question for me is more how to move on rather than moving on (from dating him.)

 

[TempeFan]

I feel like he's unintentionally doing the same thing to me. I have a friend that happens to know him, and this helps with my comfortability and understanding of him. I also have a former colleague who has worked with his best friend colleague. Apparently, his best friend colleague and I worked together in the same building, but we never (significantly) interacted together with each other. I don't feel he's a bad person at all at this point, but probably emotionally messed up . I've kind of been in this place myself, so it's easier for me to relate and handle.

You are the one with "boots on the ground" and "skin in the game" so to speak, so your opinion that he is a good guy is more valid than mine. Perhap he could use a friend. Still it is clear he is not ready for ltr and may never be if he choses to continue his old patterns. Seems like you've got your eyes open and your thinking cap on and a lot of support, so I feel you will do fine.

 

[paloftoon]

Thanks. Another friend help me realize a few more things too. The new math teacher who I want to give math books to, unless I bump into him while I'm at the school one time or get some kind of contact, if I make this contact forced rather than natural, I may end up causing unnecessary drama and it could be like new math teacher and former date "pitted" against me. I could just give these books to goodwill since I know the ones I don't want now, but I've been wanting to give them to someone I can try to make a connection with instead. It has to be more organic though. This is hard.

I thought about retracting the volunteering entirely, but it still doesn't feel right either cause a few people told me I should follow through at least once basically. One thing I can do different is simply not tell my former date when I will be volunteering and let him figure it out himself or ask if he really even cares.

This friend also told me it is a bad idea to tell someone directly you're breaking up with them unless you absolutely have to, because their feelings get hurt and it just creates hate toward you. It's "better" to just avoid the person altogether or not respond. I hate having to not be able to be honest like that, but in this situation it seems best. It's like well I can allow the honesty to open up more if he initiates and show up to me at my convenience and respects my schedule, time, and energy.