I just had a housemate ask if I was "socially retarded" and, when I asked why he hadn't spoken to me about some issues he had been bottling up, he replied that he was scared he might set me off, since I'm "always babbling to [myself] down there. It's scary."
So begins my renewed interest in my place on the Autism/Aspergers spectrum.
Our kitchen, living room, and the other bedrooms are upstairs, while my room and work area are downstairs, so I had no idea that they were able to hear me. Even then, I didn't realize till today just how unsettling and unusual my habit apparently is. I honestly thought that everyone started at least an inner dialogue within ten minutes of being alone, seeing as how I can't go five without the conversation spilling out. I'm starting to get the sense that, in fact, other people really do have quiet in their own heads.
Previously, I had dismissed a professional opinion that I get tested for Asperger's. Most people who claimed to have it, just in my personal experience, were semi-intelligent individuals looking for an excuse to go on being assholes. I've been very high functioning for years, in my opinion, and didn't want to go looking for a reason to backslide on that progress.
However, of late I have become increasingly concerned about some of my tendencies, and after my housemate's blunt assessment, I sat down to a couple of the online tests. After ten years of working heavily on my social skills, I'm still showing on the mid 30's in the 50 question Autism/Aspergers test, and would have probably been in the high 40's as a teen. I'm starting to believe that I would be better off generally living on my own, except with very specific people, since I may be approaching as socially functional as I can be, and it is still "****ing weird."
In regards my personal situation, one month ago I broke off my engagement after finding out that my fiancee, who, it turns out, had been professionally diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a teen, had been leading multiple lives with multiple partners. In the month prior to that, I nearly killed myself on two occasions due to her efforts to persuade me I was the one acting monstrously, destroying our perfect relationship. However, I've made it through the worst of that, more intact than anyone would have expected.
All told, it's a good time for some re-evaluation and setting up a more satisfying life going forward. As part of that, it may be time that I recognize that my various idiosyncrasies might be better handled if I take part in a community that knows them, lives with them, and, hopefully, even loves some of them.
I'm looking forward to getting to know some, or all, of you!
So begins my renewed interest in my place on the Autism/Aspergers spectrum.
Our kitchen, living room, and the other bedrooms are upstairs, while my room and work area are downstairs, so I had no idea that they were able to hear me. Even then, I didn't realize till today just how unsettling and unusual my habit apparently is. I honestly thought that everyone started at least an inner dialogue within ten minutes of being alone, seeing as how I can't go five without the conversation spilling out. I'm starting to get the sense that, in fact, other people really do have quiet in their own heads.
Previously, I had dismissed a professional opinion that I get tested for Asperger's. Most people who claimed to have it, just in my personal experience, were semi-intelligent individuals looking for an excuse to go on being assholes. I've been very high functioning for years, in my opinion, and didn't want to go looking for a reason to backslide on that progress.
However, of late I have become increasingly concerned about some of my tendencies, and after my housemate's blunt assessment, I sat down to a couple of the online tests. After ten years of working heavily on my social skills, I'm still showing on the mid 30's in the 50 question Autism/Aspergers test, and would have probably been in the high 40's as a teen. I'm starting to believe that I would be better off generally living on my own, except with very specific people, since I may be approaching as socially functional as I can be, and it is still "****ing weird."
In regards my personal situation, one month ago I broke off my engagement after finding out that my fiancee, who, it turns out, had been professionally diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as a teen, had been leading multiple lives with multiple partners. In the month prior to that, I nearly killed myself on two occasions due to her efforts to persuade me I was the one acting monstrously, destroying our perfect relationship. However, I've made it through the worst of that, more intact than anyone would have expected.
All told, it's a good time for some re-evaluation and setting up a more satisfying life going forward. As part of that, it may be time that I recognize that my various idiosyncrasies might be better handled if I take part in a community that knows them, lives with them, and, hopefully, even loves some of them.
I'm looking forward to getting to know some, or all, of you!
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