Zachary Scott
Deadbeet
Hey everyone! Excited to join this community. I've been gradually becoming more self aware in my adult years which has led me to seek therapy for anxiety/depression. It didn't seem to help after two tries with different therapists (multiple months each time) and I quit in frustration. Recently I made it to a Psychiatric center and the NP believes I may have signs of being on the spectrum. After some more detailed research it fits so well. It's like the perfect answer I've been searching for in all of my panicked "What is wrong with me?" Dr. Google searches. This is hitting me pretty hard. On the one hand, I'm relieved to realize why I feel and act the way I do, but daunted by the fact that I can't just change with some medication and therapy as if I had only an anxiety disorder. Disclaimer: I have jumped to conclusions before... recently I was convinced I have OCD.
All my life I've felt like I've just been doing what I need to do to be normal so I can get that over with and have some time to myself. I drag myself out of bed every morning feeling more tired than when I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep at night. I spend all day lost in my thoughts and waiting for when I can go to relax alone at the end of the day. I think I built my identity by imitating funny and unique people I admired and getting good at situational humor to make up for being unusually quiet. (Someone I used to hang out with before class in high school called me "the mute"). I still don't get it when people tell me I don't say much. Ironically I talk to myself nearly constantly when alone. I was raised in a strict household and I was unable to communicate effectively or express and receive affection with my parents which has created lasting tension that at 26 I'm gradually starting to unravel. Now that I am on my own I have the typical confusion about who I really want to be, but I feel unable to differentiate between what and who I really want to be and what it is I actually like versus what I do to fit in and keep up appearances. Seriously considering that I may be on the spectrum is sort of throwing a wrench in the gears. My plan was to finally seek psychiatric help, try some meds and do some CBT, then be ship-shape by the holidays. (I have been moderately fixated on Christmas this year, it is my favorite time of year but also the most stressful in other ways, so I see it as a measurement of my well-being I guess). Essentially I think I have a weak grip on reality and even writing these words makes me doubt whether these thoughts are based on real issues or simply part of my endlessly creative and inconsistent inner monologue coupled with the usual dose of cyclical over-analysis.
If you made it past the TL
R section you are the best. I know there's a lot of times I can't in a forum.
All my life I've felt like I've just been doing what I need to do to be normal so I can get that over with and have some time to myself. I drag myself out of bed every morning feeling more tired than when I tossed and turned trying to fall asleep at night. I spend all day lost in my thoughts and waiting for when I can go to relax alone at the end of the day. I think I built my identity by imitating funny and unique people I admired and getting good at situational humor to make up for being unusually quiet. (Someone I used to hang out with before class in high school called me "the mute"). I still don't get it when people tell me I don't say much. Ironically I talk to myself nearly constantly when alone. I was raised in a strict household and I was unable to communicate effectively or express and receive affection with my parents which has created lasting tension that at 26 I'm gradually starting to unravel. Now that I am on my own I have the typical confusion about who I really want to be, but I feel unable to differentiate between what and who I really want to be and what it is I actually like versus what I do to fit in and keep up appearances. Seriously considering that I may be on the spectrum is sort of throwing a wrench in the gears. My plan was to finally seek psychiatric help, try some meds and do some CBT, then be ship-shape by the holidays. (I have been moderately fixated on Christmas this year, it is my favorite time of year but also the most stressful in other ways, so I see it as a measurement of my well-being I guess). Essentially I think I have a weak grip on reality and even writing these words makes me doubt whether these thoughts are based on real issues or simply part of my endlessly creative and inconsistent inner monologue coupled with the usual dose of cyclical over-analysis.
If you made it past the TL
R section you are the best. I know there's a lot of times I can't in a forum.
