A nuanced view of empathy

[Daniel]

Here's an interesting article I just read in the Boston Review--"Against Empathy" by Paul Bloom.

He's not against all kinds of empathy, but rather against a simplified, un-nuanced view that more empathy is always better. Simon Baron-Cohen comes up. I took the title of this article, "Against Empathy", literally at first glance, and I was pleased to find that the author meant it as a plea to think more deeply about it.

Good point in here--there is a difference between empathy and compassion: '[In] Buddhists texts [there is a difference] between “sentimental compassion,” which corresponds to empathy, and “great compassion,”- which involves love for others without empathetic attachment or distress. Sentimental compassion is to be avoided, as it “exhausts the bodhisattva.” Goodman defends great compassion, which is more distanced and reserved and can be sustained indefinitely.'

So there's the difference between cognitive and affective empathy, there's the difference between compassion and empathy, there's the difference between feeling empathy and behaving empathically in interpersonal situations... There's also a whole spectrum of Aspies and NTs who have varying levels of all of these. And there are also big differences in male- and female-gendered communication styles. And different social protocols in different cultures.

I feel like the notion that "Aspies lack empathy" is a gross over-simplification! Interested to see other responses.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I love this article. I care about people, I would do a great deal to help them, but I don't really feel empathy, I don't feel pain because of their pain. I'm remembering Cesar Millan's shows where he helps dog owners learn how to be better dog owners. There are many shows where the dog is having problems, and it turns out the problems originate in the owner's empathy: perhaps there dog was formerly abused by someone else, and now the owner feels so much empathy for their dog, that it is actually preventing them from providing the dog with the structured leadership that a dog needs. There was one episode with a dog (pit/dalmation mix) who was filled with so much fear every time he went outside. The owners were actually increasing the dog's fear by their empathy, whereas they needed to act strong and thereby show the dog that there was nothing to fear.

 

[DogwoodTree]

There are many shows where the dog is having problems, and it turns out the problems originate in the owner's empathy: perhaps there dog was formerly abused by someone else, and now the owner feels so much empathy for their dog, that it is actually preventing them from providing the dog with the structured leadership that a dog needs.

This is SUCH a good point. This same problem interferes with decent parenting, too. Some parents (and especially grandparents) get so tied up in how much "pain" and discomfort a child feels when they need disciplining, or to be denied something they want, or pushed to deal with a difficult situation...that the child never gets that pillar of strength from a parent that they need.

Sometimes I just have to force myself to do what's *best* for my child, and the only way I can do that is to separate myself emotionally from their struggle. I've found that I'm more of a support for them when I can just empathize with their pain withOUT taking it in so deeply that I feel like I have to be the one to fix their problem. I love them so much that I don't let their pain determine my course of action.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Every empathy has it's place. Sometimes the really mushy kind helps you heal and cope, other times it just crushes and smothers you.