A placid rant...

[Fact Ten]

When it comes to being single, I feel like people focus too much on their "positives" and not enough on their "negatives". This leads to an imbalanced and over-inflated perception of self that either implodes (or explodes) completely on contact with rejection or is so egotistically impervious to rejection that blame is simply shifted to the person who is doing the rejecting.

I will not be doing that. I will be focusing on my negatives, thus leading to an imbalanced and under-inflated self-perception. Woe is me.

In this day and age, I feel it important to start with this distinction: I am not an "incel" or any of that nonsense. I know what positives I have to offer in a relationship but I also understand and accept the idea that there is no rule that says it must be accepted. I subscribe to the notion that no one deserves love or a relationship. Love can only be love if it is freely given and a romantic relationship must be mutually entered into or it is not romantic. Deserving has nothing to do with it nor should it.

I have my doubts that I will ever find love in the context of a romantic relationship. I sometimes even question if I should be in a romantic relationship. Why?

• I'm closed-minded. I have a particular way I see the world (or any topic for that matter) and it confuses or annoys me when other people see it differently.
• I'm not the best person for empathy. I feel bad when other people I care about feel bad but I'm usually unable to express it in a way that is appropriate for the time and place. I usually end up offering solutions which tends to either be unhelpful or make things worse.
• Between my Asperger's, as well as MDD and GAD, I doubt my ability to be there for someone in a way that they'd need me to be in the context of a romantic relationship.
• While I know that I'm hetero-romantic, I'm not particularly sure if I lean more towards asexuality or sexuality. There's only one way to find out and I can't say I'm particularly looking forward to it. Without knowing for sure, I'm very wary about relationships.
• Short-term, I should probably be focusing more on finishing my undergraduate studies.
• I'm not particularly charismatic. People aren't drawn to me.
• For some lighter-hearted reasons, I'm as boring as hell. Grey is my favorite color. I'd rather stay inside on the weekends. I exist, play video/board games, and listen to music.
• I hate formality. Fancy dining and clothing aren't my thing. I wear sweatpants and hoodies everyday if I can get away with it. Again, it's unrealistic to label this as an explicit deal breaker but I've been told before that it's not the greatest image to give off.

It's frustration that inspired me to write all this. Someone that I feel attracted to and enjoy interacting with is gravitating towards someone else. Despite a bit of confidence boost from the online dating apps (not Hiki; barely anyone in my area uses it), the conversations seem to be going nowhere.

I'll live with this frustration. I've gone through it before and survived; I'll go through it again and survive. I understand that it's a part of life. I will probably always have a shred of dogged optimism that there is someone who would want to be in a romantic relationship with me.

I just wish I knew if it's a bad idea for me to be in a romantic relationship.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I have a lot of similarities to what you listed and I've been with my partner for 5 years.

Honestly, there's someone out there for everyone.

Ed

 

[Major Tom]

I've found that focusing on the negatives in anything is harmful. Sure, be aware of them, but don't approach a potential relationship by listing your negative points. It's a big turn off. Negativity in general is to most people.

If you do however approach a relationship like this and it works, that person is probably the right one for you, because you won't have to hide yourself.

I don't know, maybe you are onto something..

 

[rainfall]

I agree with Tom that it's best not to focus on the negatives but be aware of them.

I also agree with the OP that people over emphasize their positives. It's a reason a lot of people have issues later on in the relationship. If you aren't being honest about who you are upfront, they aren't really accepting you but the version of you that you put forth.

In my case, I was honest about my negatives upfront but because he hadn't experienced them, he had his own perception of what I dealt with. When the negatives showed, he didn't want to deal with it and talked down to and made fun of me. So, I believe it's equally important to be honest and to pay attention to the other person to make sure they aren't idealizing you or sweeping your valid concerns under a rug.

There is someone who can accept what you consider negatives and will be willing to work with you. She won't be perfect either. Relationships should never be one sided, but a give and take from both sides. For the lighter hearted reasons, you won't be boring at all to the right woman and she could enjoy the same things you do. Even if she has more interests than you listed it's not a deal breaker. Most people in relationships don't share every single interest their significant other has. Also, not every woman loves fancy dining/clothing.

That all being said, I absolutely love what you wrote about love. The whole point of it is that it's freely given and isn't deserved.

 

[Nitro]

I preach positivity, due to some highly negative events I've had to endure.
It makes me a much stronger person.

 

[GadAbout]

My sister was one who believed at a deep level that she was unlovable, so she gave up on romance in her late twenties after one disastrous marriage. You know, she was kind of unlovable, now that I think of it. She was a narcissist who inflicted all kinds of emotional damage on her family. It got worse and weirder the older she got and she finally killed herself a couple years ago.

I had one troubled marriage, never expected to marry again but I kept an open mind and did have some serious relationships before finally ending up with someone who loves me deeply.

So I feel giving up is a mistake, but keeping an open mind to possibilities is the way to go. Easy to say, hard to do.

 

[WildCat]

Incel? You're not shifting the blame here and that would have been apparent by now, so there's no need for the disclaimer. Many of these so-called incels are far from subtle about it as well. Enough about that though...

To the topic, I can relate to many of these concerns, but I believe it takes work on both sides to make it happen. You do have positives, right? Of course. You have to put yourself out there obviously, but with enough time and effort it will be worth it once you find that certain someone.

 

[All-Rounder]

Those are great things for the person to know, just dont unload them on the first date. First date is for what each desires, so, more positive. Such as long term commitment or not super serious relationship.

 

[Pats]

All those are not negative qualities. Agree with the not focusing on the negatives, but if you are looking for someone compatable, mentioning you like to be home on weekends would be good. Grey has always been my favorite color - once I was old enough to have my walls painted the color I wanted, I chose grey. Now, at 62, I still love grey and I don't think it's a boring color - I think it's a very soothing color, and people are starting to realize that. Much better than that blinding bright yellow that they used to say would keep your mood cheerful. Ikes.

Anyhow, there's someone out there who is going to be happy to find someone with these qualities.

 

[All-Rounder]

All those are not negative qualities. Agree with the not focusing on the negatives, but if you are looking for someone compatable, mentioning you like to be home on weekends would be good. Grey has always been my favorite color - once I was old enough to have my walls painted the color I wanted, I chose grey. Now, at 62, I still love grey and I don't think it's a boring color - I think it's a very soothing color, and people are starting to realize that. Much better than that blinding bright yellow that they used to say would keep your mood cheerful. Ikes.

Anyhow, there's someone out there who is going to be happy to find someone with these qualities.

I love grey especially on clothes. It goes well with any color and stains arent as hard to clear off.

 

[Fino]

I'd say your only barrier is your negativity.

 

[Fact Ten]

Incel? You're not shifting the blame here and that would have been apparent by now, so there's no need for the disclaimer. Many of these so-called incels are far from subtle about it as well. Enough about that though...

To the topic, I can relate to many of these concerns, but I believe it takes work on both sides to make it happen. You do have positives, right? Of course. You have to put yourself out there obviously, but with enough time and effort it will be worth it once you find that certain someone.

In the college area of the city where I live, there are people who love to throw the term around lightly.

And I do have positives and there are things that I know I could definitely improve; habits I could cut back on, habits I could follow more frequently, etc. I just tend to get overwhelmed by seeing what I feel middle class society expects and knowing that I can't meet that standard.

I'd say your only barrier is your negativity.

I wouldn't say the "only barrier" but I also concede that you're not wrong. I assume you mean that I should focus on things that are within my control and not worry too much about what can't be changed at the moment?

I've found that focusing on the negatives in anything is harmful. Sure, be aware of them, but don't approach a potential relationship by listing your negative points. It's a big turn off. Negativity in general is to most people.

If you do however approach a relationship like this and it works, that person is probably the right one for you, because you won't have to hide yourself.

I don't know, maybe you are onto something..

I feel like I'm pretty good at not spelling my negatives out in person or in online dating messages. Like I said, this was just a (placid) rant that I needed to get off my chest.

As far as focusing/working on the negatives in a constructive way, a friend recently told me that my tendency to only message matches that live in my city or the city right next to it is a good idea because it mitigates a lot of imbalance caused by my inability to drive (driving scares the hell out of me). I can use public transportation to meet up until any connection progresses to a point where I can feel comfortable enough to tell someone about my fear of driving.