A question from a sad father

[askforhelp]

Hello, everyone. I'm from China.
My child looks like an autistic child, but due to the lack of medical resources in my area, I can't find a doctor who can professionally diagnose autism spectrum disorders.

My boy, who is 22 months old, has some autistic characteristics that will disappear if I play happily with him (such as hide-and-seek). If he is playing with toys, then these characteristics are very serious. If he is not playing with toys, then these features will be very slight.

The characteristics I am referring to are: lack of name response, lack of eye contact, inability to point the index finger at the object he is interested in, and not to look in the direction my index finger points.

What makes me feel less sad is that he doesn't have the characteristics of repetitive behavior or narrow interests. He doesn't like to spin in circles, walk on tiptoe, look at his hands, play wheels, only play certain games.

My boy's language is almost zero, so far he can only say a few words, such as: goodbye (waving at the same time), dad, mom, grandpa, grandma and taking a bath. But he doesn't always say that, sometimes he says it, sometimes he doesn't.

However, I'm sure he can understand everything. He can distinguish the personal pronouns you, me, him, and the names of different relatives. He is quite willing to follow instructions (but lack of eye contact), and he can obey the following instructions:
1.Bring me mom's little chair.
2.Feed Dad cherries.
3.It's time to eatand ask Dad to come out for dinner. Then he will go to my room and knock on the door and take me by the hand to the dinner table (but lack of eye contact).
4.Drink Some Water.
5.Please put the lid on the water bottle after drinking the water.
6.Go and close the balcony door.
7.Point out Grandpa's nose.
8.Go for a ride.

He will spontaneously imitate. I mean, when no one teaches him, he will imitate some adult behavior, such as:
1.Wipe the table.
2.Wipe your parents' mouths with paper towels after dinner.
3.Make a call on cell phone.(of course he doesn't have a cell phone, he uses a toy phone.).
4.I have rhinitis. I often wipe my nose, and then he will imitate my movements. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with his nose.

In China, missed diagnosis and misdiagnosis of autism are very common, even if I find a professional doctor, the final results are not accurate. What makes me sad even more is that due to lack of supervision, many pediatricians deceive the parents of patients in order to make money.

I know that diagnosis cannot be made on the Internet. I just want to hear your experience. Does my child look like a child with autism spectrum disorder?I live in anxiety every day, and uncertainty is too painful for me. Thank you for your answers!

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Some of your child behavours sounds like middle autistics. The kind of stuff most autist childs will solve by their own with support, love and understanding.

You can also learn how to help your child by your own, in this forum there are very good books to educate yourself.

Even parents without education can help their kids with love, patience and understanding.

On the other hand, not even the best doctors can stop some parents to insult, distrust, bully and traumatice their autists childs.

Most adult autists with very hard problems come from families where they were not respected non loved.

Best of luck.

 

[askforhelp]

Some of your child behavours sounds like middle autistics. The kind of stuff most autist childs will solve by their own with support, love and understanding.

You can also learn how to help your child by your own, in this forum there are very good books to educate yourself.

Even parents without education can help their kids with love, patience and understanding.

On the other hand, not even the best doctors can stop some parents to insult, distrust, bully and traumatice their autists childs.

Most adult autists with very hard problems come from families where they were not respected non loved.

Best of luck.

This is a sad reply to me, but really appreciate.

 

[Rodafina]

I agree with Atrapa Almas.

It seems like the most important thing for you right now is to stay attuned to your child’s needs and method of communication. Focus on their strengths, rather than just the perceived deficits, and remember that there is great variation in the timeline of child development.

It would certainly be good for you to start learning as much as you can about autism, but if you can, try not to do it with so much fear in your heart. Autism can be difficult, no doubt about that, but it is not a death sentence or a serious medical condition that will inevitably prevent your child from living a fulfilling life, and from you being a satisfied and competent father.

 

[askforhelp]

I agree with Atrapa Almas.

It seems like the most important thing for you right now is to stay attuned to your child’s needs and method of communication. Focus on their strengths, rather than just the perceived deficits, and remember that there is great variation in the timeline of child development.

It would certainly be good for you to start learning as much as you can about autism, but if you can, try not to do it with so much fear in your heart. Autism can be difficult, no doubt about that, but it is not a death sentence or a serious medical condition that will inevitably prevent your child from living a fulfilling life, and from you being a satisfied and competent father.

Thank you, I am trying to be a good father. There isn't any forums like this in China. I am really shocked that autistic people can communicate online like this. They have amazing conmmunication skills, they talk logically. The only difference may be they can't really understand the subtle meaning from the conversation.

 

[Rodafina]

Thank you, I am trying to be a good father. There isn't any forums like this in China. I am really shocked that autistic people can communicate online like this. They have amazing conmmunication skills, they talk logically. The only difference may be they can't really understand the subtle meaning from the conversation.

It’s good that you are opening your mind and learning. We are just people, like everybody else. Our brains just operate differently, but if we are in a supportive environment with understanding people around us, we can thrive, succeed, and find happiness and value in life.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

The only difference may be they can't really understand the subtle meaning from the conversation.

I am not sure if you do understand that you are subtly saying that I cant understand the subtle meaning from conversations.

Thats very like saying saying that I am somewhat retarded...

You may want to think twice before saying ugly stuff about autist people while you ask for help from... Autists people.

Just in case we are not retarded and can understand those subtle meanings...

Thats the kind of behavour that will hurt your kid. As his father, you should not imply that he is retarded, ill, broken, or things like that.

I understand that you do have very little knowledge about autism, but thats not an excuse to be unpolite.

 

[askforhelp]

I am not sure if you do understand that you are subtly saying that I cant understand the subtle meaning from conversations.

Thats very like saying saying that I am somewhat retarded...

You may want to think twice before saying ugly stuff about autist people while you ask for help from... Autists people.

Just in case we are not retarded and can understand those subtle meanings...

Thats the kind of behavour that will hurt your kid. As his father, you should not imply that he is retarded, ill, broken, or things like that.

I understand that you do have very little knowledge about autism, but thats not an excuse to be unpolite.

Apologize for my rudeness.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome.

If I may share an article, Jim Sinclair's "Don't Mourn for Us" (1993) is one of the earliest commentaries by an autistic self-advocate to parents, and is still a classic.

 

[askforhelp]

Welcome.

If I may share an article, Jim Sinclair's "Don't Mourn for Us" (1993) is one of the earliest commentaries by an autistic self-advocate to parents, and is still a classic.

Thank you for sharing. I just finished reading it. It is my understanding that "Mourn" is a secondary harm to children.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome to @askforhelp.

You should see if there is a local autism society or advocacy group near you. If they exist, they can connect you to autism-competent providers.
https://autlanders.blogspot.com/2019/07/autism-subtypes.html

 

[Au Naturel]

The two most prominent symptoms are delayed speech and failure to make eye contact. Also, restricted or repetitive patterns of behaviors and lack of emotional regulation.

I understand getting assistance with this would be very difficult in China. You don't have a good access to a psychological professional. This might be useful:

https://health.ucdavis.edu/mindinstitute/centers/cedd/cedd_adept.html

 

[Au Naturel]

This might be of assistance too:

https://asdtoddler.fpg.unc.edu/earl...early-identification-module-introduction.html
But remember we don't know that it is autism. Many toddlers have speech and social development delays due to isolation during the pandemic. It is quite common in the US. China's lockdown was far more severe. If this is the cause, your child will grow out of it.

 

[kenaij]

Welcome to this forum.
Firstly. Please don`t try to be sad. There is a bunch of us (most of us) that have very succesful lives.
There are a lot of things about autism that are misunderstood. One autistic person is not the other. Just like any other person that does not have autism. One is good at a certain things, big find other things hard to do.
I understand that in China information about autism might be hard to come by. Please feel free to ask any questions you have on this forum. I wouldn`t mind if you ask them in a private message either.
I think my son is autistic aswell but all that means is that he needs a different parenting approach than my daughter, who most likely does not have autism.
Try and learn on this forum and on youtube how you can be the best father for your child. So you can understand why he displays certain behaviours. Why certains things are harder, or easier, for him than for Neurotypical children. I understand that your view on autism is different than ours. But please do not feel sad. He is still your son. And I`m sure he is a lovely little dude who will achieve great things with the right support from his parents.

 

[Crossbreed]

Firstly. Please don`t try to be sad.

While I agree that dads must develop coping skills, the severe co-morbid conditions of ASD2 & 3 are more serious than just negligible quirks. That is a fair assessment of ASD1 & giftedness, but it is quite dismissive of the realities of ASD2 & 3's severe co-morbids. Grieving for [the encephalopathy, not the autism] is quite appropriate, just like grieving for any other traumatic injury.

 

[Rodafina]

Apologize for my rudeness.

You seem very open to new information, and you are learning. That is the most important thing.

 

[kenaij]

While I agree that dads must develop coping skills, the severe co-morbid conditions of ASD2 & 3 are more serious than just negligible quirks. That is a fair assessment of ASD1 & giftedness, but it is quite dismissive of the realities of ASD2 & 3's severe co-morbids. Grieving for [the encephalopathy, not the autism] is quite appropriate, just like grieving for any other traumatic injury.

I might not have stated what I meant properly. I mean, don`t be sad YET. From what the OP has said. There is still no indication his child has ASD2 & 3. His child actually seems very capable at doing things on their own. I was trying to convey the idea that already seeing the worst case scenario is not going to help anyone until you find out it is actually the worst case scenario. Hope it makes sense what I am trying to say.

 

[Nitro]

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Hello, everyone. I'm from China.
My child looks like an autistic child, but due to the lack of medical resources in my area, I can't find a doctor who can professionally diagnose autism spectrum disorders.

My boy, who is 22 months old, has some autistic characteristics that will disappear if I play happily with him (such as hide-and-seek). If he is playing with toys, then these characteristics are very serious. If he is not playing with toys, then these features will be very slight.

The characteristics I am referring to are: lack of name response, lack of eye contact, inability to point the index finger at the object he is interested in, and not to look in the direction my index finger points.

What makes me feel less sad is that he doesn't have the characteristics of repetitive behavior or narrow interests. He doesn't like to spin in circles, walk on tiptoe, look at his hands, play wheels, only play certain games.

My boy's language is almost zero, so far he can only say a few words, such as: goodbye (waving at the same time), dad, mom, grandpa, grandma and taking a bath. But he doesn't always say that, sometimes he says it, sometimes he doesn't.

However, I'm sure he can understand everything. He can distinguish the personal pronouns you, me, him, and the names of different relatives. He is quite willing to follow instructions (but lack of eye contact), and he can obey the following instructions:
1.Bring me mom's little chair.
2.Feed Dad cherries.
3.It's time to eatand ask Dad to come out for dinner. Then he will go to my room and knock on the door and take me by the hand to the dinner table (but lack of eye contact).
4.Drink Some Water.
5.Please put the lid on the water bottle after drinking the water.
6.Go and close the balcony door.
7.Point out Grandpa's nose.
8.Go for a ride.

He will spontaneously imitate. I mean, when no one teaches him, he will imitate some adult behavior, such as:
1.Wipe the table.
2.Wipe your parents' mouths with paper towels after dinner.
3.Make a call on cell phone.(of course he doesn't have a cell phone, he uses a toy phone.).
4.I have rhinitis. I often wipe my nose, and then he will imitate my movements. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with his nose.

In China, missed diagnosis and misdiagnosis of autism are very common, even if I find a professional doctor, the final results are not accurate. What makes me sad even more is that due to lack of supervision, many pediatricians deceive the parents of patients in order to make money.

I know that diagnosis cannot be made on the Internet. I just want to hear your experience. Does my child look like a child with autism spectrum disorder?I live in anxiety every day, and uncertainty is too painful for me. Thank you for your answers!

Your boy is 22 months old.

While I agree that dads must develop coping skills, the severe co-morbid conditions of ASD2 & 3 are more serious than just negligible quirks. That is a fair assessment of ASD1 & giftedness, but it is quite dismissive of the realities of ASD2 & 3's severe co-morbids. Grieving for [the encephalopathy, not the autism] is quite appropriate, just like grieving for any other traumatic injury.

I wish both my parents had acknowledged mental health and had coping mechanisms; maybe then I'd not have endured a dysfunctional upbringing.

 

[VAW]

Hello, everyone. I'm from China.
My child looks like an autistic child, but due to the lack of medical resources in my area, I can't find a doctor who can professionally diagnose autism spectrum disorders.

My boy, who is 22 months old, has some autistic characteristics that will disappear if I play happily with him (such as hide-and-seek). If he is playing with toys, then these characteristics are very serious. If he is not playing with toys, then these features will be very slight.

The characteristics I am referring to are: lack of name response, lack of eye contact, inability to point the index finger at the object he is interested in, and not to look in the direction my index finger points.

What makes me feel less sad is that he doesn't have the characteristics of repetitive behavior or narrow interests. He doesn't like to spin in circles, walk on tiptoe, look at his hands, play wheels, only play certain games.

My boy's language is almost zero, so far he can only say a few words, such as: goodbye (waving at the same time), dad, mom, grandpa, grandma and taking a bath. But he doesn't always say that, sometimes he says it, sometimes he doesn't.

However, I'm sure he can understand everything. He can distinguish the personal pronouns you, me, him, and the names of different relatives. He is quite willing to follow instructions (but lack of eye contact), and he can obey the following instructions:
1.Bring me mom's little chair.
2.Feed Dad cherries.
3.It's time to eatand ask Dad to come out for dinner. Then he will go to my room and knock on the door and take me by the hand to the dinner table (but lack of eye contact).
4.Drink Some Water.
5.Please put the lid on the water bottle after drinking the water.
6.Go and close the balcony door.
7.Point out Grandpa's nose.
8.Go for a ride.

He will spontaneously imitate. I mean, when no one teaches him, he will imitate some adult behavior, such as:
1.Wipe the table.
2.Wipe your parents' mouths with paper towels after dinner.
3.Make a call on cell phone.(of course he doesn't have a cell phone, he uses a toy phone.).
4.I have rhinitis. I often wipe my nose, and then he will imitate my movements. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with his nose.

In China, missed diagnosis and misdiagnosis of autism are very common, even if I find a professional doctor, the final results are not accurate. What makes me sad even more is that due to lack of supervision, many pediatricians deceive the parents of patients in order to make money.

I know that diagnosis cannot be made on the Internet. I just want to hear your experience. Does my child look like a child with autism spectrum disorder?I live in anxiety every day, and uncertainty is too painful for me. Thank you for your answers!

One thing good is you spotted those things early on, in my case I did not! I had never even heard of Asperger's. I did everything probably the wrong way until he was an adult and then diagnosed, and for the first time I understood why my son did the things he did. Without knowing and understanding them it leaves a door that does not open easily between you both. I had 5 children all under 2 years apart, when they all were playing together, I really never seen the problem my son was having. He is so intelligent I never thought there was anything wrong with him. My first-born daughter I think she came out talking! lol but my first-born son didn't talk very much and at 2 was just starting, he preferred to point to what he wanted. As an adult now there are times he doesn't talk, he can hold a conversation but at times when I ask him something it seems as though I am ignored, and he will not answer which at a young age I used to think he was being rude but now I understand him and know he doesn't like small talk and sometimes he just doesn't talk. He won't speak on the phone unless it is an emergency, so our connection is usually texting. He is 34 now and he lives with my other son, they have a house together and they do fine. Everyone is different in life. Love and understanding will help him. Do not stress and fear this, it will go onto your son, he will be fine and learn as he goes. I am not saying don't get him some help or to ignore things, I am just saying to love who he is, because I am sure he is a great child, and will be a fine adult.. My son, I count on him, there are still times I have to help him but he also helps me so much. He knows everything so when I need to know something he is my go to. As a child I can't say I didn't have any problems with him because at times it was very frustrating and maybe because I didn't understand him, but as an adult he is pretty wonderful in his own way. (That is just one mother's view point) This forum has helped me so much! Good people who aren't afraid to tell it like it is or try to give information that will help. I have met some wonderful people on here.