Alright, so, I went over to my friend's house today... the one I've known for decades.
I wasnt there long before a very bizarre and distressing interaction occurred. He said something like "Hey, you work in programming, right?". That's not the exact line, I'm paraphrasing, but I'm thinking... you've known me for over 30 years... how in the world could you forget I'm disabled? I havent worked a job in like 15 years.
He doesnt know where I live, either. I moved to where I'm currently at like in like, early 2021 (I used to live at a town that was like 20 minutes further away from his area). That seemed baffling too.
This all really stung. I did my best to not show that, and the rest of the visit went fine. But still, that hurt.
And as I'm driving back, a conflicting thought came to mind: he forgot / didnt know those things... but he mentioned my sleep condition, which I'd told him about like a couple of weeks ago. It was what brought up the job question (because of the idea of a conflict between a rotating sleep schedule, and a 9-5 job). On top of that, he's also been trying really, REALLY hard to get me into something that is a major interest of his, that bit couldnt be more obvious.
So there's this bit where it's like, I'm wondering if he doesnt know me as well as I'd thought, or just didnt care or wasnt interested... but there's those two things too. I mean with the sleep condition thing, he actually sat down and researched it, which was not what I expected when I mentioned it (I'd thought he'd be like "huh, interesting" and drop it, as people usually seem to do).
Now, I tell ya, driving down the road at like 50 MPH is really, REALLY not a good time to have a horrible realization, I just about launched off the road at this point.
I realized: It's not a matter of him not caring or anything. How in the world COULD he have known those things, when I never, ever talk about myself? I'd thought I had just been hiding the gender thing all this time... but no, I hide *everything*. I dont volunteer info about myself, or mention things I'm doing or into, and I have the strangest habit of deflecting questions about even stuff like "hey what hobbies do you like". I've had this constant opinion about myself, for who knows how long, that I probably seem really self-centered to people. So, I just wont talk about myself... at all. I'll let anyone ramble about themselves or anything else, but I just wont do the same. If pressed hard on something I'll eventually start ranting about it, but that's rare and short-lived, only one person I know (my other friend who doesnt live nearby) knows how to get me to do that.
Even with the job thing, I realized why he'd mentioned programming specifically. While I dont just abruptly spit out info, somehow knowledge that I'd worked on an indie game got out, everyone I know is aware of that (and I cannot for the life of me figure out how anyone knows that). Every now and then he'll ask me what seems like an odd question, when looking at some game that seems to be the sort I'm into (as he definitely does know that bit), which is "hey, so, did you work on this one?" and that always confused me because I figured it was obvious I didnt, I'm not officially a contractor. But... there's no way for him to know that. Because even if asked directly, I'll just give out a flat "nope" and not elaborate. And then change the subject.
I realized also, it's not just him. I do this even with close family. If asked about my interests for instance I will always, always deflect the topic. No, I dont know why. But it's automatic. And I dont tell anyone about accomplishments unless something about it will involve that person somehow. Like, I write game reviews, I've been doing it for a long time, and the things I write get serious attention. It's one of the few things where I know full well I'm very, very good at it. But nobody around me knows that I've ever done it at all. The only ones who know that are people on my friends list on Steam, because that's how almost all of them found me. I know my immediate family would be very excited to hear about it, but yeah, I dont tell them or even hint at it.
There are of course some things that will get spotted despite me not volunteering the info... like how every freaking person around me knew of my gender issues, and I was the only one that didnt spot that everyone knew it. But most things... yeah, it's all hidden.
And the one specific friend who does know about about me? I realized it's because he has a constant habit of just bluntly asking the first questions that come to mind, and will press me on things until I relent, no matter how hard I try to deflect the questions. Just part of his personality, that. So of course he's the only one who knows any of this stuff.
All of this, because I see myself as being really self-centered, and I'm always thinking "well I dont want to be annoying", or maybe "I shouldnt talk about X subject, they probably wont be interested, they dont want to hear about my stupid interests" and then I dont say stuff.
The odd thing is that this stuff doesnt apply as much in certain online spaces, like this forum. I'll ramble and rant about all those things easily here. So that's an odd conflict.
So, I'm curious as to what any of you think of this. Do you do something like this as well? I mean, I know masking is common, that's one thing, but this feels like it goes way beyond just masking.
Yeah, I dunno, not sure what to think about this realization. I do know though, I want to improve in whatever ways I can. Like good grief, I know I'm not too good at the whole communication thing, but this is just stupid, even for me. And I didnt even realize I was doing it, not really. Just... feh.
I wasnt there long before a very bizarre and distressing interaction occurred. He said something like "Hey, you work in programming, right?". That's not the exact line, I'm paraphrasing, but I'm thinking... you've known me for over 30 years... how in the world could you forget I'm disabled? I havent worked a job in like 15 years.
He doesnt know where I live, either. I moved to where I'm currently at like in like, early 2021 (I used to live at a town that was like 20 minutes further away from his area). That seemed baffling too.
This all really stung. I did my best to not show that, and the rest of the visit went fine. But still, that hurt.
And as I'm driving back, a conflicting thought came to mind: he forgot / didnt know those things... but he mentioned my sleep condition, which I'd told him about like a couple of weeks ago. It was what brought up the job question (because of the idea of a conflict between a rotating sleep schedule, and a 9-5 job). On top of that, he's also been trying really, REALLY hard to get me into something that is a major interest of his, that bit couldnt be more obvious.
So there's this bit where it's like, I'm wondering if he doesnt know me as well as I'd thought, or just didnt care or wasnt interested... but there's those two things too. I mean with the sleep condition thing, he actually sat down and researched it, which was not what I expected when I mentioned it (I'd thought he'd be like "huh, interesting" and drop it, as people usually seem to do).
Now, I tell ya, driving down the road at like 50 MPH is really, REALLY not a good time to have a horrible realization, I just about launched off the road at this point.
I realized: It's not a matter of him not caring or anything. How in the world COULD he have known those things, when I never, ever talk about myself? I'd thought I had just been hiding the gender thing all this time... but no, I hide *everything*. I dont volunteer info about myself, or mention things I'm doing or into, and I have the strangest habit of deflecting questions about even stuff like "hey what hobbies do you like". I've had this constant opinion about myself, for who knows how long, that I probably seem really self-centered to people. So, I just wont talk about myself... at all. I'll let anyone ramble about themselves or anything else, but I just wont do the same. If pressed hard on something I'll eventually start ranting about it, but that's rare and short-lived, only one person I know (my other friend who doesnt live nearby) knows how to get me to do that.
Even with the job thing, I realized why he'd mentioned programming specifically. While I dont just abruptly spit out info, somehow knowledge that I'd worked on an indie game got out, everyone I know is aware of that (and I cannot for the life of me figure out how anyone knows that). Every now and then he'll ask me what seems like an odd question, when looking at some game that seems to be the sort I'm into (as he definitely does know that bit), which is "hey, so, did you work on this one?" and that always confused me because I figured it was obvious I didnt, I'm not officially a contractor. But... there's no way for him to know that. Because even if asked directly, I'll just give out a flat "nope" and not elaborate. And then change the subject.
I realized also, it's not just him. I do this even with close family. If asked about my interests for instance I will always, always deflect the topic. No, I dont know why. But it's automatic. And I dont tell anyone about accomplishments unless something about it will involve that person somehow. Like, I write game reviews, I've been doing it for a long time, and the things I write get serious attention. It's one of the few things where I know full well I'm very, very good at it. But nobody around me knows that I've ever done it at all. The only ones who know that are people on my friends list on Steam, because that's how almost all of them found me. I know my immediate family would be very excited to hear about it, but yeah, I dont tell them or even hint at it.
There are of course some things that will get spotted despite me not volunteering the info... like how every freaking person around me knew of my gender issues, and I was the only one that didnt spot that everyone knew it. But most things... yeah, it's all hidden.
And the one specific friend who does know about about me? I realized it's because he has a constant habit of just bluntly asking the first questions that come to mind, and will press me on things until I relent, no matter how hard I try to deflect the questions. Just part of his personality, that. So of course he's the only one who knows any of this stuff.
All of this, because I see myself as being really self-centered, and I'm always thinking "well I dont want to be annoying", or maybe "I shouldnt talk about X subject, they probably wont be interested, they dont want to hear about my stupid interests" and then I dont say stuff.
The odd thing is that this stuff doesnt apply as much in certain online spaces, like this forum. I'll ramble and rant about all those things easily here. So that's an odd conflict.
So, I'm curious as to what any of you think of this. Do you do something like this as well? I mean, I know masking is common, that's one thing, but this feels like it goes way beyond just masking.
Yeah, I dunno, not sure what to think about this realization. I do know though, I want to improve in whatever ways I can. Like good grief, I know I'm not too good at the whole communication thing, but this is just stupid, even for me. And I didnt even realize I was doing it, not really. Just... feh.
