About the wife

[Kayla55]

When I was younger my father told me that if you the type of girl who has more than three boyfriends in your lifetime that no one would want to marry you.
I was also told that this is because you are going to be a bad mother. So I literally believed this for many many years. And I only found out after having children that what he meant was you had to have an A for home economics and work very hard.

But I didn't know what happened to girls who failed home economics, I thought that maybe they never had families but wasn't sure where they lived. I was stunned one day to find a women who was evicted by her husband for failing to listen and became confused as to what was meant by obey your husband, does that mean I must do everything he says even if it would discredit my ability to feed a baby purity in the morning.
He became annoyed, and said he is tired of my stupid questions.
Am I really dumb, why don't I understand all this stuff? Did anyone else ever get confused about this?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

When I was younger my father told me that if you the type of girl who has more than three boyfriends in your lifetime that no one would want to marry you.
I was also told that this is because you are going to be a bad mother. So I literally believed this for many many years. And I only found out after having children that what he meant was you had to have an A for home economics and work very hard.

But I didn't know what happened to girls who failed home economics, I thought that maybe they never had families but wasn't sure where they lived. I was stunned one day to find a women who was evicted by her husband for failing to listen and became confused as to what was meant by obey your husband, does that mean I must do everything he says even if it would discredit my ability to feed a baby purity in the morning.
He became annoyed, and said he is tired of my stupid questions.
Am I really dumb, why don't I understand all this stuff? Did anyone else ever get confused about this?

Well, you're not dumb, it's that particular way of thinking that is dumb. So, if you are confused by it, you should, because it has no foundation in reality.

What it is, is a combination of very evangelical, conservative, and controlling, beta-male behavior that goes back several hundreds of years. Some people still think this way, but thankfully, most do not.

A husband and wife are a team. They are two very different people with different skill sets that operate as one for the betterment of each other. Each partner supports each other, builds each other up, defends each other, etc.

There should never be controlling behaviors, as this is highly destructive to any relationship. Controlling behaviors are fear-based. They are a result of anxieties and distrust. You can't dress a certain way, talk a certain way, you can't have these friends or do those activities, tracking your whereabouts, phone calls, and internet histories. You should be in the home, taking care of the kids, clean the house, and because "I make the money, I have the say in this house." It can really get psychotic. Then, it can manifest itself in those daily, tiny little "joking", but derogatory comments that slowly erode your self-esteem.

OK, I am going to stop now. My sisters both went through this, and it really gets me steamed up.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Toxic masculinity. It's rather worrying how pervasive it is in certain cultures.

Obey your husband is just promoting subservience. A relationship is 2 halves. But patriarchal rules which probably lead to gas-lighting and abuse is a terrible foundation for a relationship - and a deliberate attempt to sway the balance in favour of the man. Beliefs and rules based off fear of the opposite sex, and one that led to rules which would repress women's freedom of choice.

Ed

 

[Kayla55]

Well, you're not dumb, it's that particular way of thinking that is dumb. So, if you are confused by it, you should, because it has no foundation in reality.

What it is, is a combination of very evangelical, conservative, and controlling, beta-male behavior that goes back several hundreds of years. Some people still think this way, but thankfully, most do not.

A husband and wife are a team. They are two very different people with different skill sets that operate as one for the betterment of each other. Each partner supports each other, builds each other up, defends each other, etc.

There should never be controlling behaviors, as this is highly destructive to any relationship. Controlling behaviors are fear-based. They are a result of anxieties and distrust. You can't dress a certain way, talk a certain way, you can't have these friends or do those activities, tracking your whereabouts, phone calls, and internet histories. You should be in the home, taking care of the kids, clean the house, and because "I make the money, I have the say in this house." It can really get psychotic. Then, it can manifest itself in those daily, tiny little "joking", but derogatory comments that slowly erode your self-esteem.

OK, I am going to stop now. My sisters both went through this, and it really gets me steamed up.

Ye, part of my divorce was sensory ND disputes on raising kids.
I work very hard, I never had a maid, I knitted my babies a jersey. I do 10x more speech n homework than some of these mummies I see, but yet they still drive better cars and have social lives.
My one child isn't a sign of drugs, people believe if your child has learning difficulties then it's a reflection on the mother. During my searches I found evidence than soldiers exposed to toxic chemicals can also effect the baby. I don't think my husband was a decent man in his younger years. But we know autism isn't drugs as only my one twin has it.
I still insist on my purity, my nestle porridge etc. Being clean from my side.
I was also on parents board at school but again I always felt my car wasn't good enough, and reflecting badly so now I do have a better car but still not good enough.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Toxic masculinity. It's rather worrying how pervasive it is in certain cultures.

Obey your husband is just promoting subservience. A relationship is 2 halves. But patriarchal rules which probably lead to gas-lighting and abuse is a terrible foundation for a relationship - and a deliberate attempt to sway the balance in favour of the man. Beliefs and rules based off fear of the opposite sex, and one that led to rules which would repress women's freedom of choice.

Ed

It's come to my attention that feminists, and my wife and I are, need to be more accurate with our language around the word "masculinity".

The world needs a lot MORE "alpha" masculinity, and a lot LESS "beta" masculinity (aka toxic masculinity). Alpha males do not have all the fear-based, anxieties, distrust, and controlling behaviors. They don't project, because they don't have to. They walk into a room and people just sense they are alpha. Alphas are supportive, strong, independent, responsible, and never blame others for their position in life. Beta males are just the opposite, and is why it is has been called "toxic".

Furthermore, when we talk about feminists and feminism, this too, can be categorized as "alpha" and "beta". My wife is an alpha, and an alpha feminist, strong, independent, supportive, doesn't project, doesn't have controlling behaviors, responsible for herself, and never blames others for her position in life. Versus, the beta feminists, which are the complete opposite, give feminism a bad reputation, are very vocal, and are operating on a narrative of victimhood.

Instead of just seizing opportunities, taking responsibility, doing things that are challenging, betas would rather wallow in their anxieties, excuses, control, and blame others. Betas see no other way to gain power other than through bullying and controlling others, by gathering in noisy large numbers, forcing others into their way of thinking, spouting words like "equality" and "fairness". The problem is that most of these people have not earned it, they see competition as something negative, and they just want it given to them at the expense of others that did earn it. That is "toxic".

What I find interesting about the phenomenon is that this toxic "beta" mentality of victimhood, fighting for control, bullying, blaming, fairness, projecting themselves, etc. has pitted betas against betas, the far right and far left of the political and social spectrums. It would be absolutely laughable if it were not for the fact that it is tearing families and societies apart with psychological and physical violence. My wife and I just stand back, observe with disgust and shame, and try to stay out of their way as best we can.

Sorry, a bit of rant.

 

[Kayla55]

It's come to my attention that feminists, and my wife and I are, need to be more accurate with our language around the word "masculinity".

The world needs A LOT more "alpha" masculinity, and A LOT less "beta" masculinity (aka toxic masculinity). Alpha males do not have all the fear-based, anxieties, distrust, and controlling behaviors. They don't project, because they don't have to. They walk into a room and people just sense they are alpha. Alphas are supportive, strong, independent, responsible, and never blame others for their position in life. Beta males are just the opposite, and is why it is has been called "toxic".

Furthermore, when we talk about feminists and feminism, this too, can be categorized as "alpha" and "beta". My wife is an alpha, and an alpha feminist, strong, independent, supportive, doesn't project, doesn't have controlling behaviors, responsible for herself, and never blames others for her position in life. Versus, the beta feminists, which are the complete opposite, give feminism a bad reputation, are very vocal, and are operating on a narrative of victimhood.

Instead of just seizing opportunities, taking responsibility, doing things that are challenging, betas would rather wallow in their anxieties, excuses, control, and blame others. Betas see no other way to gain power other than through bullying and controlling others, by gathering in noisy large numbers, into their way of thinking, spouting words like "equality" and "fairness". The problem is that most of these people have not earned it, they see competition as something negative, they just want it given to them at the expense of others that did earn it. That is "toxic".

Sorry, a bit of rant.

Not a rant, thanks for clarity, I feel so outnumbered as if I'm loosing my mind. Doubting my sanity that my car is paid off and earned honestly....I insist!!
Do you agree society is over-image driven and I had to reset the age limit on TV and half channels don't play now without a password. I won't allow cellphones as don't need this, but all other kids have them.
I have WiFi and tablets but I limit access and thinking I don't know anymore.

Maybe I'm the doe-do bird!!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

What you have experienced is how weak men try to manipulate women into being dependent. There are good, responsible and supportive, high value, men out there and some have given up on the dating game. The alphas do not want women who only notice them after chasing exciting betas and they decide they want somebody reliable and supportive to finally settle down with. The alphas described by @Neonatal RRT are by thought and practice close to Stoic philosophy and ethics and have little room for those driven by their emotional reptilian brain.

Yesterday we got news of how a beta male shot and killed the daughter of a family member. As her ex he evidently could not tolerate that he was a failure in their relationship. Now two children are without parents.

While I would never gaslight or abuse a woman, I was falling into the mindset of a beta because of my PTSD. The lies I told myself denied my agency and the positive and interesting things I have accomplished and challenges I've surmounted. I am happy and very content to have thrown those lies overboard.

 

[1ForAll]

It's come to my attention that feminists, and my wife and I are, need to be more accurate with our language around the word "masculinity".

The world needs A LOT more "alpha" masculinity, and A LOT less "beta" masculinity (aka toxic masculinity). Alpha males do not have all the fear-based, anxieties, distrust, and controlling behaviors. They don't project, because they don't have to. They walk into a room and people just sense they are alpha. Alphas are supportive, strong, independent, responsible, and never blame others for their position in life. Beta males are just the opposite, and is why it is has been called "toxic".

Furthermore, when we talk about feminists and feminism, this too, can be categorized as "alpha" and "beta". My wife is an alpha, and an alpha feminist, strong, independent, supportive, doesn't project, doesn't have controlling behaviors, responsible for herself, and never blames others for her position in life. Versus, the beta feminists, which are the complete opposite, give feminism a bad reputation, are very vocal, and are operating on a narrative of victimhood.

Instead of just seizing opportunities, taking responsibility, doing things that are challenging, betas would rather wallow in their anxieties, excuses, control, and blame others. Betas see no other way to gain power other than through bullying and controlling others, by gathering in noisy large numbers, into their way of thinking, spouting words like "equality" and "fairness". The problem is that most of these people have not earned it, they see competition as something negative, they just want it given to them at the expense of others that did earn it. That is "toxic".

Sorry, a bit of rant.

Thanks for giving both perspectives, for both toxic males--and females--because it is not OK too when sarcastic remarks or pressure comes from women when the guy shows varying feelings, any perceived need or weakness, works in the home, or is untraditional in other ways. That harms people just as much. Toxicity comes from all genders. Thanks for explaining that well.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Not a rant, thanks for clarity, I feel so outnumbered as if I'm loosing my mind. Doubting my sanity that my car is paid off and earned honestly....I insist!!
Do you agree society is over-image driven and I had to reset the age limit on TV and half channels don't play now without a password. I won't allow cellphones as don't need this, but all other kids have them.
I have WiFi and tablets but I limit access and thinking I don't know anymore.

Maybe I'm the doe-do bird!!

As parents of two boys, we didn't allow our kids on-line (by themselves) until they were probably 13-14 years old. We had one large, 27-in screen Mac sitting at a small desk located between our dining area and living room, so when they were on-line, we all could see what they were doing and monitor things. Shortly after, they actually built their own computers and were on-line gamers. Our children did not have video games until then. So yes, we were not the "cool parents" amongst their group of friends.

Having said that, we did watch the news as a family and discussed what they saw. We also never sheltered them from the occasional nudity scenes on those "rated R" movies that would sometimes be on the TV. Keep in mind, my wife and I are both in health care, so it was important that we never projected any sort of embarrassment, stigma, etc. around it. When the boys asked, we told, with detail, often to some very wide child eyes.

Interesting little thing their teachers noticed and commented on, that both of our boys had the ability to focus, and their level of and topics of discussion was quite adult-like, as compared to their peers. Some of their teachers suggested that it was the fact that they did not have the video game-induced ADHD-like behaviors. I am not going to comment on that further as I haven't researched if that is even "a thing".

At any rate, I agree it was a difficult thing to fight the peer pressure of NOT having them on electronic devices. We made sure they were outdoors, riding their bikes, climbing trees, catching frogs and turtles in the wetlands nearby, building things in the workshop, and so on. We really made a point of developing hands-on life skills. They are successful engineers, the both of them. We are quite proud.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My wife and sister give me the best perspective, on how to act around women both very independent.my wife is my mirror both of us are second oldest of mirror image families.

 

[Kayla55]

As parents of two boys, we didn't allow our kids on-line (by themselves) until they were probably 13-14 years old. We had one large, 27-in screen Mac sitting at a small desk located between our dining area and living room, so when they were on-line, we all could see what they were doing and monitor things. Shortly after, they actually built their own computers and were on-line gamers. Our children did not have video games until then. So yes, we were not the "cool parents" amongst their group of friends.

Having said that, we did watch the news as a family and discussed what they saw. We also never sheltered them from the occasional nudity scenes on those "rated R" movies that would sometimes be on the TV. Keep in mind, my wife and I are both in health care, so it was important that we never projected any sort of embarrassment, stigma, etc. around it. When the boys asked, we told, with detail, often to some very wide child eyes.

Interesting little thing their teachers noticed and commented on, that both of our boys had the ability to focus, and their level of and topics of discussion was quite adult-like, as compared to their peers. Some of their teachers suggested that it was the fact that they were not have the video game-induced ADHD-like behaviors. I am not going to comment on that further as I haven't researched if that is even "a thing".

At any rate, I agree it was a difficult thing to fight the peer pressure of NOT having them on electronic devices. We made sure they were outdoors, riding their bikes, climbing trees, catching frogs and turtles in the wetlands nearby, building things in the workshop, and so on. We really made a point of developing hands-on life skills. They are successful engineers, the both of them. We are quite proud.

Ye, but with language content and sexual nature I can't risk having them behave in way that's ok on TV but we don't relate to in real life Nd checking age for this. I don't use fowl language in house as I believe it is low class by choice.
I'm a square blue pea sort of person which means since child I was confused by lemonade and chocolate cake jokes. I'm a vegetarian for a long time but boys aren't.
Evon our flatmate cook a tuna bake and said she added beef stock for flavour does this mean she was single by choice or looking for a man to look after her. I noticed Freud logic around food often, people would refer to meat as being off that meant something wasn't right with person or shouldn't eat food. So I allow bacon in pasta, although I don't eat it, but does it symbolise the man as head of house, do women only provide fish...what is this attitude I always noticed over food.
I may be sterile in my mind....and I believe food must be clinical but I have sensory issues as well, like in past if my crumbed chicken was mushy or I don't like salty food etc.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Coming from a family of majority boys, and my parents coming from a liberal county their attitude to parenting was quite relaxed. My wife came from a family of majority girls having two boys we defaulted.to my experience. My brother would not buy a TV as he saw it as such a simple device not worth the price of the parts that he would not buy one for his kids.

The only thing that bothers me now is I have no knowledge of how to be a grandfather.