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Accepting help and friendship.

T

teasmade

Member
As far as I know I am NT but I know someone who has strong Aspergers traits and I know they are very proud and have been for quite some time but I have laid my cards on the table and have offered assistance in anyway I can but they insist on struggling though themselves.

Even NT's need help sometimes, why can't they accept a friend's assistance, even just a listening ear, they know best and when they find out they don't they get upset.

I need to understand this mindset from people who have Aspergers

Maybe it is not anything to do with Aspergers but just the way they are, stubborn and proud, what would you do, what do you do ?
 
Etzelaire said:
I don't ask for help to avoid causing trouble and also because I should be capable to sort things out by myself.
Click to expand...

Exactly. I was raised with the whole 'sweep it under the rug and pretend its nothing' approach. To me, if i can't handle it or figure it out on my own then im just not trying hard enough. Unless its something big like a death or getting laid off, it may as well be nothing at all.
 
It's very easy to get judgmental about this, but if this is a person you care about, you need to avoid that, because it's just not good for relationships, period. Being judgmental implicitly assumes that your problems are better or superior, and your friend should have the problems you have, not the problems he or she already has.

Not very friendly.

That, right there, is the aspie experience of the world. Why isn't it OK for us to have the problems we have?

It's very hard to tell when and how to ask for help--because the very act of asking makes the requestor vulnerable to being judged as incapable. If you already know as a likely NT that your aspie friend really does think differently, then the fact that they aren't coming to the same conclusion about asking for help as you do shouldn't surprise you.

Aspies live in a world that frequently feels predatory and runs on rules that make no sense because they aren't based on logic. From my own experience, I know that I get helplessly stuck on "solving the problem" precisely because I am so good at solving problems. The social, emotional, irrational, or unreasonable aspects of a problem, the "way it works" is very slow to enter the equation.

Note my phrasing. If the issue doesn't fit the system of equations I have in my head to solve it, I'll struggle. And you can't help me until I ask, because you don't know where I am in the problem. Things look different from where you sit, twice over: 1) it's not your problem, and 2) you don't think like an aspie.
 
Sometimes it is easier to try to fix a problem alone than to try and fix a problem with another person/friend and be in a position that requires social interaction on top of fixing the problem.
 
I am not your friend, but I suspect that we may share some similarities in regards to personal problem solving. With that in mind, I'll share from my own experience:

It's so so difficult when, on top of the own issues I am trying to juggle, those closest to me become frustrated or impatient with me because I need to deal with my challenges and problems on my own terms.

But it's not about them- my life is about me and how I need to regulate the things that challenge me. It is not about accommodating another person's need to feel helpful. I really and truly dounderstand the desire to feel you are helpful to a friend, though.

Simply saying "tell me what you need when you know" is so much more valuable than you realize, I bet- as someone who remembers what people say and takes those who I trust at their word? That kind of simple offer is like gold. Insisting I need your help is an added frustration, but letting me know it is a standing offer is precisely what I need to know. When in doubt- people ask me if and how they can help- earnestly and without expectation.

This is the best thing someone can offer. I might not immediately take advantage but I won't forget it, nor hesitate to return the favor if I am in any manner able. I find many of my friends on the spectrum behave similarly [though not all- variety being the spice of life and all that].
 
A lot of aspies ask for help, or admit to having trouble with x or y, and their problems are dismissed. So they learn to go it alone. There isw also the social aspect where it is doubly troublesome because one has to deal with someone who may (or may not) have the best of intentions, but wants to fix what they think is the problem, on their terms, from their perspective, in their time frame.
 
I find it very hard to ask for help as people don't understand my difficulties or see things from my point of view in the first place.
An example would be using phones; I find it hard to understand what people are saying on the phone, yet if I ask someone to make phone calls for me I'm treated as incompetent, weird, lazy. This makes it harder for me in future.
I agree also, with what pax said, I have to deal with socialising and dominating behavior when I just want to get the thing done - there seems to be five times more effort involved than is necessary for the task and it all revolves around how everyone interacts and if I fail to integrate adequately into this drama, then help isn't as forthcoming next time.
I can be friendly, helpful, return the favour, etc.. but if I don't buy a round at the pub soon, even though I don't frequent pubs and am not sure about how and when these social conventions work, then I'm apparently considered unsociable/ungrateful.
In the end, it's easier to just be self reliant.
 
I find myself feeling innappropriate even asking my therapist for help, because even though she is great, I still know I am, ultimately, speaking a different language. My animals understsnd me at a purer level than any person of the human sort.
 
Its hard to approach this from a autistic perspective, because there is nothing specifically autistic in what you have shared. Pride and struggle are universal. Their refusal of your help may have nothing to do with autism either. They may simply not wish to involve you in personal issues. This may be just a relationship thing and don't wish to draw closer to you in this.

What makes you think autism is involved?
 
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