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Accepting & processing Im an Aspie

Haller

Haller

Member
As a 36 year old man, I've been through a lot and don't really feel like telling the story of my lifetime struggle with depression, insomnia, and a long list of etceteras. I bet you guys can imagine.

I chose (or was conditioned to) just pretend I was a neurotypical since a very early age. I started to copy other people's behavior and do my best to reenact it. Yeah I was that afraid of looking/sounding different. My mind tortures me a lot, and adding the stress of pretending to be "normal" didn't help a bit.

At this point of my life, I'm done with pretending and struggling. I've been blessed enough and can't complain about some aspects of my life. I have a family and a job. Nevertheless, just some weeks ago I've come to accept Im an aspie, and this acceptance isn't coming that easy. There's this taboo on mental "illness" that has haunted me all my life. The fear of disappointing and embarrassing my beloved ones/losing my job... These fixed ideas die hard.

One of my deepest frustrations is this- I always obsess with certain topics and can't stop reading/researching. Whether it's Appalachian culture, some Middle Eastern country's royalty, the lives of functional heroin junkies, or old studies about ethnicity, I know I'll be unable to share it with anyone. I've always spent hours reading and then had to shut up. For one, no one reads anymore. Also, neurotypicals can't focus on one topic for too long. The bite of loneliness can be crippling.

As I said, it's a long story and it shows even when I try to sum up. Thanks for reading and all your comments are most welcome. I'd really appreciate any contribution. Believe me.
 
Haller said:
The bite of loneliness can be crippling.
Click to expand...

Yes...oh yes. Even when I try to explain to other people what it's like, the fact they so completely don't get it is frustrating.

My family has a particular resistance to "mental illness", too. Two of my sisters are pretty accomplished in the medical profession, so I'm afraid that if I reveal my AS dx, I'll be treated like an invalid...talked down to...avoided...my opinions no longer respected. They're already struggling with the areas where I've started expressing my preferences without labeling it "AS". And a lot of it, in my case, has to do with some extreme codependency and enmeshment issues in our family.

Lately it's helped me to realize that my special interests are for my benefit, not anyone else's. I don't really have to share them for them to be valuable to me. I work on not imposing my idiosyncrasies on other people, then try not to feel so badly when I take time to myself (I'm married with 4 kids, so that's a big deal). It's like, "You have your standards, and I have mine. I'll try not to impose on you if you can give me more freedom to just be me."

Welcome to AC!
 
Thanks a lot for your response. I'm also married with 1 kid. As for sharing what I read, it's not about imposing but merely share. Just the idea of taking about one of those topics no one else cares about just as most people talk about sports.

I appreciate your contribution on my interests being for myself. They certainly are. And being also a father, I know the feeling of guilt whenever I want time for myself! My daughter is such a fun & active young kid. I feel like hell too when her voice gives me headaches in the evening and got to isolate myself. (I'm very sensitive to high-pitch sounds.)

It's incredibly therapeutic to post here. I just got one interaction with a fellow aspie and already feel better.
 
Stick around...there are a lot of great people here with an amazing perspective overall on how to deal with all this stuff.

And yes, I hear what you're saying about just wanting to share. I've found one person IRL who shares some of my interests...it's fun getting together with her, but she's so busy that we can't often work it out. With other people, though, I feel like I'm imposing. I know I shouldn't, but I do, lol.
 
Hey there. Welcome.

If you are still interested in the lives of functional heroin junkies I can tell you a lot about that. Unfortunately two years ago my best friend decided that middle age was the perfect time to start shooting heroin. Things have gone downhill for her since then. She stayed with me for a few months while her bf was in jail and my sons weren't living here so I had a spare room. I'm her only friend now and she tells me everything. I also used to hang with a crowd of junkies back in the day when I was in my teens, and have done a bit of experimenting myself. So, if you want to talk about junkies I'm your gal. I've never been addicted to anything but I've seen plenty that have been and can tell you anything you want to know.
 
Drugs are one of my main interest. Wait, I know it sounds horrible, lol, I'm against using drugs actually. It's the social phenomenon & psychological issues of it that fascinate me. I've also tried drugs as a teen though as part of the many won't decisions I've made. "Middle age was the perfect time to start shooting heroin." You see the complexity of being a human. Just as religion, politics and sex, somehow toxics are a very human phenomenon as well. The fact that they are destroying so many people's lives -who do ir on purpose- tells us so much about human nature. What puzzles me about heroin is that, besides its tremendously destrustive power & extreme effects, so mang heroin addicts seem to be functional. The drugs I used to do myself as a teen were nothing compared to heroin, but still, there were times when I fel pretty sick. That aKs shows how different we are from each other. I know people who are still using (after 20 years) and lead kind of "normal lives." What lead ur friend to start shooting heroin? Middle age crisis? Menopause? Depression? Loneliness? Thanx.
 
Welcome! I hope you don't feel shy about sharing your interests here...goodness knows, most of us do, lol. You're always welcome to start threads in our Obsessions and Interests section, and of course, to wander about and socialize as you please. I think you'll find us rather friendly and open. :)

wyv
 
Thanx a lot. I've developed the habit of forcing myself to shut up, so finding likeminded people is amazing. This socializing thing has always been foreign to me. I can't believe I've finally found a whole circle of people I can open up to. :)
 
I see you like the movie A Place Among The Pines. I grew up in the town it was shot in Scotia NY. The bank he robs is where I had my first bank account 30+ years ago. It looks exactly the same :) Fun fact: during the getaway from the bank, the first half of the scene is going away from Scotia on Rt. 5, but the second half is going back towards the town. Noticing that made me chuckle:)
 
Never been to NY, but what I love is everything Appalachian! Now that I think about it, the character Ruan Gosling played might have been an aspie. A tough one LOL. I recommend "Out of the Furnace" too- there u can see deeper into the backwoods. Ever been there?
 
Hello and welcome! I'm married to a wonderful lady and have some great kids.

As you can see there are a bunch of knowledgeable and helpful people on here who genuinely care about others. I hope that you find what you need.

FWIW, Appalachian culture is an interest of mine as well. It started with reading about mountain men, then the Foxfire series and grew from there.
 
I totally get that feeling of wanting to discuss subjects that most people don't care too, at least not very long. I'm very interested in the stigma of marijuana. I like to watch people who can sing really good and/or have great acting skills. The list is quite long.
 
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