yogabanana
Active Member
Husband and I are both autistic. I'm not alexithymic but he is. I'm an emotional person. Words of affirmation, quality time and touch are my love languages. He shows love through gifts and acts of service.
He hurt me very badly yesterday. He mocked my deepest, most vulnerable emotional needs, more than once. He has yet to apologize. I'm trying to decide if I can get past what feels like a huge violation of trust and safety.
He's spent all day working on a home repair and cooking dinner for the family. I know that's his way to show love but I don't know how to get past what he did without an actual conversation where he is remorseful and validates how much harm I am feeling from what he did.
He does not like to have those conversations. I tell him what would help and there is a delay in him doing it or he does it by rote/mimicry so the thing doesn't help like it is supposed to and he blames me for that, but I explain best I can. I can't help that he doesn't deliver it in a way that is emotionally available so it doesn't feel like it's supposed to.
I don't know how to explain what's missing. I just know it's missing.
He still hasn't apologized for mocking me for needing him to demonstrate some consistency, responsiveness and security promoting behavior after creating a sudden rupture.
We need to be able to communicate but he shuts down and disappears for hours. Then he wants to act like nothing happened but the relationship is drowning in all these unresolved issues. I need communication.
Alexithymia does not make you dismissive, correct? I understand it's common for alexithymic people to have an avoidant attachment style but the dismissiveness, disrespect and defensive behavior are NOT part of alexithymia correct? The refusal to apologize is that pride or is it possible he feels like he isn't wrong to mock his wife's vulnerabilities?
Is it really so unrealistic to want my husband to ask for a time out with an explicit, stated plan to return to the conversation within an hour or two? Is it unrealistic to ask him to put forth that need before he's so upset all he can do is disappear indefinitely? Like can he really not tell he's getting upset til he's so upset he can't leave kindly and considerately?
After ten years together it feels so disrespectful to me that he's not even trying. It's been a complaint since the first of five marriage counselors we saw together.
I am so frustrated. I feel like you can be autistic and alexithymic without being a jerk and then not apologizing for being a jerk. He masks just fine so I know he knows that he is breaking a bunch of social rules so why is he not trying to fix it? He just distances and blames me. Can he really not see the logic of mocking your wife's vulnerabilities means she's going to feel very hurt and you're going to need to face what you did?
Also geez the ads on mobile take up like 40% of the visible page. Makes it almost impossible to post.
He hurt me very badly yesterday. He mocked my deepest, most vulnerable emotional needs, more than once. He has yet to apologize. I'm trying to decide if I can get past what feels like a huge violation of trust and safety.
He's spent all day working on a home repair and cooking dinner for the family. I know that's his way to show love but I don't know how to get past what he did without an actual conversation where he is remorseful and validates how much harm I am feeling from what he did.
He does not like to have those conversations. I tell him what would help and there is a delay in him doing it or he does it by rote/mimicry so the thing doesn't help like it is supposed to and he blames me for that, but I explain best I can. I can't help that he doesn't deliver it in a way that is emotionally available so it doesn't feel like it's supposed to.
I don't know how to explain what's missing. I just know it's missing.
He still hasn't apologized for mocking me for needing him to demonstrate some consistency, responsiveness and security promoting behavior after creating a sudden rupture.
We need to be able to communicate but he shuts down and disappears for hours. Then he wants to act like nothing happened but the relationship is drowning in all these unresolved issues. I need communication.
Alexithymia does not make you dismissive, correct? I understand it's common for alexithymic people to have an avoidant attachment style but the dismissiveness, disrespect and defensive behavior are NOT part of alexithymia correct? The refusal to apologize is that pride or is it possible he feels like he isn't wrong to mock his wife's vulnerabilities?
Is it really so unrealistic to want my husband to ask for a time out with an explicit, stated plan to return to the conversation within an hour or two? Is it unrealistic to ask him to put forth that need before he's so upset all he can do is disappear indefinitely? Like can he really not tell he's getting upset til he's so upset he can't leave kindly and considerately?
After ten years together it feels so disrespectful to me that he's not even trying. It's been a complaint since the first of five marriage counselors we saw together.
I am so frustrated. I feel like you can be autistic and alexithymic without being a jerk and then not apologizing for being a jerk. He masks just fine so I know he knows that he is breaking a bunch of social rules so why is he not trying to fix it? He just distances and blames me. Can he really not see the logic of mocking your wife's vulnerabilities means she's going to feel very hurt and you're going to need to face what you did?
Also geez the ads on mobile take up like 40% of the visible page. Makes it almost impossible to post.
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