Adapting to being single for life

[Lundi]

Following my very long first thread here about being single/virgin at almost age 30 (my 30th birthday is this Thursday), I was wondering about choosing to resign myself to be single for life. It is another path, but I was thinking about how I have a lot of quirks and difficulties that would make probably well over 95% of eligible women not want to have anything to do with me. In addition to Asperger's, I have generalised anxiety, social anxiety, OCD and can fall into depression when the situation changes.

As much as I want a girlfriend, I notice that I feel much less stress when I am alone and talk to no one. I do feel painfully and depressively lonely many times, but there is a certain calmness that I get when I am alone and do not have to worry about anyone else or about offending a girlfriend/wife. When I am alone, I can just be me, whether anyone approves of it or not.

Has anyone with ASD (or even without) considered resigning themselves to being single instead of trying hard to not be single and continuously failing?

 

[Misery]

37 here. I dont date. Never had a relationship.

And I'll put it this way:

I feel like I dodged a bullet. Or a cannonball barrage.

It's one thing to have friends, but it's a whole other thing to be permanently tied to someone and to have to constantly accomodate them and adapt and change based on their whims. No, I dont want to stop X habit or hobby of mine simply because someone around me doesnt like it. And no, I dont want to go to restaurants or movies or blah blah blah. The way I am now, I can stick to my own interests, avoid doing unpleasant or mind-numbingly boring things, be as bizarre as I want, and have solitude when I feel like I need it. Yet I can also go visit close friends at any time.

Also no kissing or any of that gross stuff. I'll never understand the appeal of that one.

 

[Guest]

I dont date. Never had a relationship.

And I'll put it this way:

I feel like I dodged a bullet. Or a cannonball barrage.

It's one thing to have friends, but it's a whole other thing to be permanently tied to someone and to have to constantly accomodate them and adapt and change based on their whims. No, I dont want to stop X habit or hobby of mine simply because someone around me doesnt like it. And no, I dont want to go to restaurants or movies or blah blah blah. The way I am now, I can stick to my own interests, avoid doing unpleasant or mind-numbingly boring things, be as bizarre as I want, and have solitude when I feel like I need it. Yet I can also go visit close friends at any time.

Also no kissing or any of that gross stuff. I'll never understand the appeal of that one.

Well said Misery. You saved me the typing effort

 

[Lundi]

Well I am not asexual, in fact it is more of the opposite--I have a high sex drive. I am not sure why, but my sex drive is higher at age 29 than when I was for example 17 or 18. Of course being a virgin this is quite annoying, but there is not much that I can do about it.

But what I meant is that despite wanting a relationship as well as having a high sex drive, in practical terms I act very weird. My interests are not common at all, and I simply am very awkward.

I was diagnosed with high blood pressure at 27 and was told to keep my stress levels as low as possible. I am skinny, yet my high blood pressure is caused by stress and I am at risk for heart attack if I get overstressed. What I am slightly worried about is that if I do have a relationship, I might get so stressed that I cannot live how I want to as if I were alone, plus I might just pass out in the street from a heart attack or some cardiovascular emergency.

 

[Fino]

I plan to remain single for life. I'm asexual. I've dated a lot and can somewhat see the appeal of it all, but I've learned that I much prefer to be alone. I can't handle attending to the needs of someone else. My needs take up all my time.

And a high sex drive is not the opposite of asexual. Someone asexual can have a high sex drive.

 

[Lundi]

I am not sure how else to explain it, other than if possible I would have sex, but being a single virgin not by choice that is by definition impossible.

Despite being single against my choice, what I was discussing was whether to voluntarily be single even if opportunities arrive in the future. My weirdness level is very high, and that is something that is simply the truth. Just yesterday I returned from my holiday in Europe and forced myself with brute force to stay awake until it was night time here before sleeping. I went over 2 days without sleep. I am sure that most women would find these types of quirks just too much to bear.

Of course at this point, there are no opportunities, so I do not really have to think hard about whether to enter relationships or not.

 

[GadAbout]

Lundi, why don't you work on having a small, select circle of friends, none of whom you are eyeing as potential partners?

Sometimes, not focusing on dating, but keeping in circulation (but not on the dating scene) relieves some of the stress and paradoxically might make love come around when you aren't even expecting it.

 

[Lundi]

Lundi, why don't you work on having a small, select circle of friends, none of whom you are eyeing as potential partners?

Sometimes, not focusing on dating, but keeping in circulation (but not on the dating scene) relieves some of the stress and paradoxically might make love come around when you aren't even expecting it.

That sounds like a good idea, but where I live (San Francisco) I simply have great difficulties in relating to people. Not only do I have problems relating to any women whom I meet here for dating, but I cannot make male friends here. Almost everyone whom I meet seems to have a completely different mindset and culture to my own. I basically have 0 close friends here. My only close friend is someone who went to the same primary and secondary school with me, and he moved out of San Francisco a decade ago due to being sick of the city. So I basically know no one here anymore, despite being in my own hometown.

I think that I could do this in Europe, where I just was on holiday and where people seemed to be more similar to me, but it will be at least a year before I could plausibly move there.

 

[Baeraad]

I'm pretty resigned at this point, yes. It's okay. You learn to live without stuff.

I did dip my toe back into the world of online dating a short while ago, but I think that the woman who immediately demanded to know my exact weight sent me running back to the safety of celibacy again. "Being treated like a piece of meat" sounds fun in theory, but that assumes you're being treated like a quality piece of meat - when it amounts to being poked and prodded and examined for flaws it gets a great deal less so.

 

[Lundi]

I'm pretty resigned at this point, yes. It's okay. You learn to live without stuff.

I did dip my toe back into the world of online dating a short while ago, but I think that the woman who immediately demanded to know my exact weight sent me running back to the safety of celibacy again. "Being treated like a piece of meat" sounds fun in theory, but that assumes you're being treated like a quality piece of meat - when it amounts to being poked and prodded and examined for flaws it gets a great deal less so.

Women usually ask me about my relationship history, sexual history and racial composition. In other words, eventually I get asked about previous relationships, why I have been single, then they wonder about my sexual history. The embarrassing moments of being told various permutations of "You have never had sex?! Oh my god!! What happened to you??" makes me reconsider trying relationships even if I had the opportunity.

On top of this, I get asked about what my race is. Since I am mixed-race, I get asked about the percentages of my racial heritage, where my parents are from, where my grandparents are from, etc.

This is all moot since basically all of the women with whom I went on dates have been totally incompatible in terms of personality. Sometimes I feel not like a piece of meat, but rather an animal in a zoo whom everyone observes trying to figure out my weirdness.

 

[hiraeth]

I am asexual, but I did for many years really long for someone to share life with for a bunch of reasons, and was incredibly discouraged (and confused) why for some reason sexual attraction and connection is the utmost important thing when it comes to finding someone to just.... live with. I felt since early puberty that it was likely that I would be single for life due to the fact that the entire basis of partner relationships was founded on something totally incomprehensible to me, but I very much rejected it and tried to change my sexual orientation because I didn't want to live alone. But ultimately, we always want to spend energy in the most efficient way possible - and it came to be much more efficient to spend the same amount of energy on consciously planning for and adapting to long term solitary life than to try to be not asexual. Now I am very used to it, and don't think that I could actually handle the energetic demands of living with someone. I have the same amount of energy (or "spoons" if you will) - but I have for a long time reallocated them to other aspects of life, to such an extent that shifting them around again would be quite difficult. "Home" is purely a space where I recharge from social interaction and sensory phenomena outside of my "control". I don't even think I could live with any animal. Not unless I've totally stopped working or studying.

What I am slightly worried about is that if I do have a relationship, I might get so stressed that I cannot live how I want to as if I were alone, plus I might just pass out in the street from a heart attack or some cardiovascular emergency.

This is a very real concern that I totally sympathise with!

 

[oregano]

I haven't dated much since high school (class of 1993). When I got out into "the world" I found that the only women who were interested in me were severely mentally ill. By the early 2000s I realized that I would always be alone. I tried a dating website during the recession only to once again find that only really weird women liked me.

I like to call myself "voluntarily celibate", a play of words on the infamous concept of "involuntarily celibate" that is all over the internet. AFAIC if you are a guy that no woman wants to have sex with, you are the problem and not them. Incels don't get this simple concept, and they want revenge against women for "unfairly" denying them sex when the problem a lot of times is that they (the guys) are creeps.

I would rather be single and free than yoked to a woman who turned into a harpy after marriage, one who argues all the time. I just thought of the old rap song Naggin' by Ying Yang Twins, look it up on Youtube (can't post a link due to language concerns), it is about the same idea. The subject of the song is a guy who hooks up with the wrong woman and then has to endure constant whining.

 

[Baeraad]

AFAIC if you are a guy that no woman wants to have sex with, you are the problem and not them.

Oi, careful there. No woman wants to have sex with me, and I absolutely reject the notion that that's because there's something objectively wrong with me. Whatever the reason, it certainly has never stopped me from having close platonic friendships with women that span decades - something I would think me being a "creep" would also get in the way of.

That's not to say that I think much of the sort of man who spends all his time wallowing in self-pity and resentment. But here of all places I'd think it should be accepted that not being able to learn how to perform the neurotypical mating dance does not in itself make one a bad person.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

AFAIC if you are a guy that no woman wants to have sex with, you are the problem and not them.

So if you are born without physically attractive features, then that is your own fault?
And yet the only women interested in you are severely mentally ill? This is one weird situation you are in.

The idea that only crazy women like you is your own fault must have passed your mind. You didn't feel like going through the trouble of fixing whatever scares off the normal ones? Or do the normal ones also turn into harpies once you marry them? Why not just not marry them so they stay nice?

OP should worry more about eating healthier and working out rather than women. If you have high blood pressure then women should be avoided at all costs. On another note, I wish women asked me about my relationship history, sexual history and racial composition rather than asking me if they are too fat. Being treated like a piece of meat is bad, but I think being treated like a scale is slightly worse.

 

[Lundi]

So if you are born without physically attractive features, then that is your own fault?
And yet the only women interested in you are severely mentally ill? This is one weird situation you are in.

The idea that only crazy women like you is your own fault must have passed your mind. You didn't feel like going through the trouble of fixing whatever scares off the normal ones? Or do the normal ones also turn into harpies once you marry them? Why not just not marry them so they stay nice?

OP should worry more about eating healthier and working out rather than women. If you have high blood pressure then women should be avoided at all costs. On another note, I wish women asked me about my relationship history, sexual history and racial composition rather than asking me if they are too fat. Being treated like a piece of meat is bad, but I think being treated like a scale is slightly worse.

I am not fat, I am around 178 cm and 75 kg (5'10" and 165 lb). Both my mother and father got diagnosed with high blood pressure in their early 30s, and heart disease runs deep through both sides of the family. Even my doctor told me that especially with the severe stress, due to my family history no amount of exercise or eating healthily will reverse my blood pressure problem--I basically am on hypertension medication for life.

I cannot believe how you would wish that women ask you what your racial composition is. Here in San Francisco there is a definite preference for White men, so women usually are trying to subtly ask if you are White or not, or if you are mixed-race, how much White % is in your blood.

Two months ago on a date, a woman flat out asked me what my racial composition by percentage was, and where my parents and grandparents were from, and their own racial compositions. I decided to play along and give her the percentages, only for her at the end to tell me, "When I first met you, you looked like a, you know...like a Mexican." I am not sure how to interpret that statement, but to me I cannot see why racial composition is so important. She then said that she was "100% White European" with a mix of 25% Polish, 25% Italian, 25% English and 25% Scottish. I am not sure why i needed to know this.

To me, asking that gives me the impression that the person asking is some sort of Third Reich apologist or is trying to date asking the same questions that the census forms in Apartheid South Africa asked.

 

[Baeraad]

On another note, I wish women asked me about my relationship history, sexual history and racial composition rather than asking me if they are too fat. Being treated like a piece of meat is bad, but I think being treated like a scale is slightly worse.

Heh!

You know, I don't think any woman has ever asked me if she was fat. I've known plenty who were dead certain that they were fat even though they very clearly weren't, but they always seemed to be secure and comfortable in their negative body image.

Two months ago on a date, a woman flat out asked me what my racial composition by percentage was, and where my parents and grandparents were from, and their own racial compositions. I decided to play along and give her the percentages, only for her at the end to tell me, "When I first met you, you looked like a, you know...like a Mexican." I am not sure how to interpret that statement, but to me I cannot see why racial composition is so important. To me, asking that gives me the impression that the person asking is some sort of Third Reich apologist or is trying to date asking the same questions that the census forms in Apartheid South Africa asked.

This definitely falls under the heading of "people are sometimes very strange," yes.

 

[Kalinychta]

Why don’t you just lie when asked about your sexual history? Or better yet, come up with a polite way to say “none of your darn business.” I don’t understand why you feel so compelled to disclose such personal information to people. If someone asked me about my sexual history, I don’t think I’d make the slightest effort to hide my disgust at being asked a question like that.

Have you seen a movie called Mozart and the Whale? It’s about two autistic people who begin a relationship, and if I remember correctly, the man is a virgin. It might make you feel better/inspired.

 

[Lundi]

Why don’t you just lie when asked about your sexual history? Or better yet, come up with a polite way to say “none of your darn business.” I don’t understand why you feel so compelled to disclose such personal information to people. If someone asked me about my sexual history, I don’t think I’d make the slightest effort to hide my disgust at being asked a question like that.

In the past (as in even very recently, up to September), since I am programmed to be very honest and naïve, I just answer whatever question anyone asks me, without questioning the motive. I am not sure if this is due to Asperger's as well, but it is like a reflex: someone asks me a question, I just answer it completely honestly without wondering why they are asking in the first place. When I was younger, my classmates used to take advantage of my honest by asking me really personal questions like "When was the last time you masturbated?", and I always in mind reflexively felt compelled to answer as honestly as possible. My parents always told me that I was born too honest, and now I can see that being too honest has damaged me a lot. Right now I have shed a lot of my naïvety and niceness in trying to go along with people's wishes to humiliate me--I am a lot more cynical about people nowadays.

I remember when I was 6 or 7 years old, I almost got into big trouble because somehow some group of people found out my address and that my family and I were leaving on holiday soon. They called the house phone, and I answered since parents were at work. They asked repeatedly when my family and I were going to vacate the house to leave the country on holiday, and said to never tell my parents that they called. I answered completely honestly and gave them exact dates. I did however later tell my parents, and my parents went insane as to why I felt compelled to tell them the truth. Only then did I find out that those guys were most likely trying to find out when we were gone so that they could raid our house and steal our stuff. My parents notified the police and also changed our house's keys and locks. But this was a severe example of how for some reason I always felt compelled to answer every question honestly without questioning the motive.

Now I do plan to respond something like, "This is none of your god-damn business" when asked about my sexual history. I do need to plan responses like that, because almost certainly, I will be asked about it again and again.

Also, back then I always thought that I was compelled to answer questions to give them an answer and not offend them. Perhaps this is due to self-esteem issues, putting their wishes to make fun of me over my worth as a person. As of right now, however, I am no longer putting up with their ******** and in addition to telling them that is not their business, I would probably tell them exactly what I think of them and their insistence on knowing such personal information so that they can denigrate and/or gossip about me.

What I do find absolutely ridiculous though is that when I very recently have told people that it is none of their bloody business or something similar when they ask about my sexual history, people in the group or the person asking (if it is only me and them talking), they get angry at me for offending them by not answering the question. They would say that I should just be nice and answer the question, so that they can find out more about me. In my opinion their getting angry at me for not answering is in a whole new level of arseholery. Must be the new San Francisco attitude?

 

[Kalinychta]

In the past (as in even very recently, up to September), since I am programmed to be very honest and naïve, I just answer whatever question anyone asks me, without questioning the motive. I am not sure if this is due to Asperger's as well, but it is like a reflex: someone asks me a question, I just answer it completely honestly without wondering why they are asking in the first place. When I was younger, my classmates used to take advantage of my honest by asking me really personal questions like "When was the last time you masturbated?", and I always in mind reflexively felt compelled to answer as honestly as possible. My parents always told me that I was born too honest, and now I can see that being too honest has damaged me a lot. Right now I have shed a lot of my naïvety and niceness in trying to go along with people's wishes to humiliate me--I am a lot more cynical about people nowadays.

I remember when I was 6 or 7 years old, I almost got into big trouble because somehow some group of people found out my address and that my family and I were leaving on holiday soon. They called the house phone, and I answered since parents were at work. They asked repeatedly when my family and I were going to vacate the house to leave the country on holiday, and said to never tell my parents that they called. I answered completely honestly and gave them exact dates. I did however later tell my parents, and my parents went insane as to why I felt compelled to tell them the truth. Only then did I find out that those guys were most likely trying to find out when we were gone so that they could raid our house and steal our stuff. My parents notified the police and also changed our house's keys and locks. But this was a severe example of how for some reason I always felt compelled to answer every question honestly without questioning the motive.

Now I do plan to respond something like, "This is none of your business" when asked about my sexual history. I do need to plan responses like that, because almost certainly, I will be asked about it again and again.

Also, back then I always thought that I was compelled to answer questions to give them an answer and not offend them. Perhaps this is due to self-esteem issues, putting their wishes to make fun of me over my worth as a person. As of right now, however, I am no longer putting up with their and in addition to telling them that is not their business, I would probably tell them exactly what I think of them and their insistence on knowing such personal information so that they can denigrate and/or gossip about me.

What I do find absolutely ridiculous though is that when I very recently have told people that it is none of their bloody business or something similar when they ask about my sexual history, people in the group or the person asking (if it is only me and them talking), they get angry at me for offending them by not answering the question. They would say that I should just be nice and answer the question, so that they can find out more about me. In my opinion their getting angry at me for not answering is in a whole new level of arseholery. Must be the new San Francisco attitude?

It really sounds to me like you need to see a therapist to figure out why you keep associating with aggressive, disrespectful people. San Francisco has a population of what, seven million? Not everyone there is the way you describe. That would be impossible. Also, I must point out that we’re hearing about your experiences with women from your point of view only. They may very well be put off by you for other reasons and not the ones you think. If you’re having trouble with social interaction, a therapist can really help you. Honestly, before you think about sex or a relationship, you should find a good behavioral therapist. In the meantime, stop seeing these people you spend time with—they are not your friends.

(By the way, you’re not supposed to use curse words. You should delete them or the moderators will.)

 

[Lundi]

Of course not everyone in San Francisco is like that. The population is around 800000 people, but I would wager a lot by saying that the vast majority of people whom I encounter at events are like this. It is not by chance that most people whom I get to know as friends in this city end up moving away due to being sick of the life here, and then I have to start over and try to make new friends. I only had two male friends last year in San Francisco, and one of them moved permanently out of the city at to New York. The other one is still here, and is in the process of trying to relocate out of the city himself.

It is true that I am the one recounting my experiences with the women whom I meet, and it is possible that they are put off for some other reason that I am not grasping. But I can only say what I seem to notice, whether it is really the real reason or not.

Throughout my life I have been in and out of therapy. I started therapy for the first time at age 6, which is quite young compared to most. Around age 11 and throughout my teenage years I had different therapists, but my parents discontinued them because I showed no improvement. The last time that I considered therapy was when my OCD increased to enormous proportions at age 25, and the rates for OCD therapy was something like $140 per hour. Due to that price, I just forgot about it. Personally I am quite suspicious of therapy now, and I try to read self-help methods instead.

But I do not feel that I gravitate towards disrespectful people. It is just that I look at what meetups there are on meetup.com or whatever, I attend, and whoever is there I have to interact with. If most of the people there are disrespectful and judgemental, I really only have two choices: to leave or to try to converse with them. But in San Francisco since there are only a number of good meetups, many people attend all of them, so I end up seeing the same people over and over. This includes the disrespectful people.

I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but from ages 17 to 25 I imitated almost exactly John Lennon's look, complete with circular glasses and long hair. Right now I have 1960s aviator glasses and imitate the looks of Ray Manzarek (the keyboardist of The Doors). I have got quite a lot of negative reactions from women about how I look like a hippie and out of touch with modern culture. I am not sure if my look exacerbates my already precarious situation. But I am not going to change my looks.