ADHD with Aspie..Not Happening.

[Shera1414]

Hi..I'm middle aged attractive chic that just ended a relationship with an Aspie. This has been ended before but for those of you who are Aspie can you answer me a damn question? How come when he pulls forward with the relationship, and then I try to follow suit..it shortly falls apart. Then I leave him..(he's the Aspie btw..) and he comes back sooner or later. It's like the only way it works is to follow this cycle..otherwise he walks all over me and finds a simple phone call a major inconvenience. It's almost like I was a person of "convenience" and considering we only saw each other on Fri and Sat if I hadn't said something about the invention of the telephone..he would send short texts for the rest of our lives. Only when I leave does he come and say how he feels..albeit he did say last weekend he was falling hard for me and this weekend during the week we broke up. Do they not see the rest of the world using the telephone to call their loved ones? This time it's over for good because I told him he was the cheapest, lying and cheating person I have ever dated. When he put me out..for instance..he wanted me to desperately find a date for his friend..I did. I did all the driving. I paid more then he did most weekends. Does he think this is acceptable behavior or what? I am mystified and hurt beyond all belief but I couldn't continue to see someone that constantly grated on my nerves. What is his problem. He married a lady that didn't speak English previous to me so I guess that worked out well for him back in the day..but not me.

 

[JasonG]

It sounds like he might have had a set "routine" typical of those with our condition. Maybe phone calls overwhelmed him a bit.

The reason why you have no responses in here is because it's hard for us to sympathize with your situation. I bet if he were to come here with his issues though this place would light up.

I will try, but please keep it one question at a time.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

Hi..I'm middle aged attractive chic that just ended a relationship with an Aspie. This has been ended before but for those of you who are Aspie can you answer me a damn question? How come when he pulls forward with the relationship, and then I try to follow suit..it shortly falls apart. Then I leave him..(he's the Aspie btw..) and he comes back sooner or later. It's like the only way it works is to follow this cycle..otherwise he walks all over me and finds a simple phone call a major inconvenience. It's almost like I was a person of "convenience" and considering we only saw each other on Fri and Sat if I hadn't said something about the invention of the telephone..he would send short texts for the rest of our lives. Only when I leave does he come and say how he feels..albeit he did say last weekend he was falling hard for me and this weekend during the week we broke up. Do they not see the rest of the world using the telephone to call their loved ones? This time it's over for good because I told him he was the cheapest, lying and cheating person I have ever dated. When he put me out..for instance..he wanted me to desperately find a date for his friend..I did. I did all the driving. I paid more then he did most weekends. Does he think this is acceptable behavior or what? I am mystified and hurt beyond all belief but I couldn't continue to see someone that constantly grated on my nerves. What is his problem. He married a lady that didn't speak English previous to me so I guess that worked out well for him back in the day..but not me.

What out of all these things that you were unhappy with did you specifically address with him?
How were these issues addressed?
If you are not going to see him anymore and are saying that a relationship with an aspie and some one with ADHD, such as yourself is "not happening", how are you looking for this site to assist you and be supportive? [what ways can we do that?]

These pieces of knowledge would probably be helpful for those responding- please keep in mind that though the site certainly aims to have a user base of those who are on and off the spectrum, it is a majority of those who are on the autistic spectrum. How you are presenting the situation does not only seem accusatory of this person [which is kind of understandable if you are frustrated with an ex], but it also seems accusatory specifically because they are diagnosed with Asperger's. That is frustrating and potentially hurtful.

Since you are hoping to gain some assistance and support from those with Asperger's, it would likely ease the conversation if you consider your tone and that the people here are NOT your ex. Try to separate your frustrations with that person from the people here who may respond, despite aggravation you may have gone through in the relationship.

Hopefully you can find answers you are looking for and they can help you in the future.
Laz.

 

[King_Oni]

I've had a similar conversation with my best friends wife. My friend is an aspie and she clearly is not.

See, the thing I've brought up to her, despite all her annoyances, is that he probably tries his best. But as it turns out, that's not really what she wants out of the relationship. Giving your best in a relationship, might not always be what someone expects. Some people might want something, someone just cannot accomodate. Further down the line, the conversation with her it ended up in my asking her "but, you knew what he was like before you got married, right?" and that's probably what I'm wondering right now as well in your situation.

How did you end up in a relationship with him in the first place? Did he do a full 180 as soon as you were seeing eachother? If so, I think that's plenty of reason to address this to him. If you knew, up front, he might not reciprocate love and affection the way you want him to, I can't help but point out "you knew this".

What might give some perspective; I've dated an aspie girl for two and a half years and I'm an aspie myself. Her idea of affection was different than mine, and I'm quite sure that either of our ideas of showing affection were not standard by any stretch of the word. We both had our own ways to show it, and that actually is something we both had to learn to appreciate. Forcing affection in the way that I want to see it upon someone doesn't feel right for at least one party and at least one party will feel uncomfortable and hurt. In this case, you feel hurt because he doesn't show it the way you want. Chances are, if he shows it the way you want, he'd feel hurt because he's being forced out of his comfort zone.

In your defense however; reading the things you say about him, one can wonder if he's even ready to be involved with someone. I'm not actively looking for potential partners because I don't know if and how I can fit it in my life emotionally, practically and otherwise. As it is, I'm probably a bit more aspie at the moment in that I'm pretty self-absorbed and pre-occupied with my own interests and I just don't think I have any room to put any reciprocity in there in terms of affection. That's some self-reflection right there and perhaps something he's missing a bit. In that regard I can understand your issue very well.

A big misconception in relationships, in my opinion is, that everyone thinks everyone is ready for it and has a similar standard about affection, love, intimacy and whatelse is part of being involved with someone. People can get ready for it, but the assumption they already have that functionality installed isn't quite true... and most likely, even less for aspies. It requires time and effort to cultivate it in some people. However, time seems like one of those scarce things nowadays. And perhaps rightfully so if you're not in your teens anymore.

 

[IrishAspie]

I can only speak for the telephone bit from expierience.
I've had many family arguments around not calling and truely I do not understand the need to do it unless there is something to discuss.
It is just an inconvience and annoyance for me to call people about essentially nothing and in the last 4 to 5 years I just flat out stopped doing it leading to more than one falling out.
Your Ex may feel the same.
If you read the threads here you will also see how uncomfortable a lot of aspies feel about telephone calls so bear that in mind.
I can only suggest that if you plan to go back that you discuss it and find out why he does this and perhaps try to accept it, if not then consider this is a relationship that just wont work for you.

 

[Christopher Nicholson]

1. Decide if you really want to be with him or not.
2. Set rules for him to follow. This can not be tolerated for a continued relationship. Aspie or not it's not fair to basically to use you as an object of convenience.

If the rules are broke that's it. If he's anything like me he will appreciate the rules and the set routine. Alot of people will say how you have to to understand him, but to what end? A relationship is the mutual understanding of 2 people not the aspie dictating how it goes because "we are different".

 

[Tom]

Its kinda hard to judge in retrospect. Many things, that is behaviors, mean one thing for NTs and another for AS. But they can also mean the same thing. We might have been of some help in the beginning but basically at this point its impossible to say what he knew and understood.

 

[JasonG]

I doubt she is coming back.