Adopting the interests/hobbies of significant other

[Emery]

umm Hi!!!

So first off I apologize if this is the wrong place to post this or I created a thread for the wrong thing or something. Social media is really not a strong point for me. But I'm choosing to see it as a work in progress lol. Please let me know (kindly) if I've messed this up.

So here's what I've been thinking about a lot lately...

When I'm in a relationship I tend to adopt the interests of my significant other. And lets be honest, "adopt" is a pretty gentle word for what I do. I dive in. I obsess. If they like it, I have to know everything about it. For instance my ex really like Star Trek and gaming. I didn't just watch a few episodes and learn how play a video game or two. Nope. I watched every single episode, movie, YouTube analysis, read forums and took notes on Star Trek. I didn't just learn how to game, I gamed for hours upon hours, learned about the history of the industry, read about game development and even started my own Twitch channel.

It isn't that his interests replaced mine. No, my interests were alive and unchanged. They were just getting shoved on the the backburner to wither as I prioritized his, even if it left me feeling stressed, empty and unfulfilled.

Then, when we broke up, I refused to touch any of his hobbies. It was like I just deleted them because they were "his thing" and it hurt to have anything to do with them. I stopped watching anything sci-fi even though I genuinely enjoyed some of the shows. I gave away expensive gaming equipment and just about ghosted my (small but loyal) twitch community.

Sooo, first off, does anyone else relate to this?

And if so, how do you manage it?

I always thought that seeking common ground and sharing interests with your romantic partner is a good thing. And it is. But changing myself to fit in, or in the hopes of being loved isn't. I should be loved for who I am, not my ability to be a chameleon. Where do you draw the line of "okay, this is a healthy attempt to relate to my partner" versus "I'm loosing my identity to make my partner happy." People seem to adore how deeply I immerse myself in their interests so I have a really hard time setting boundaries... its like a punch to the gut when someone gets upset because I'm choosing to spend my day off doing something I enjoy versus doing what they want.

Sooo, yeah.... any advice appreciated

 

[1ForAll]

In my case, I see opposite interests as better than having similar interests, as we need that alone time to do our thing. This does not mean I cannot respect or appreciate my wife's interests and abilities, but just that I feel I do not need that togetherness in either me sharing in her interests or she sharing in mine, as we focus on staying true to who we are and enjoying our own things separate from each other, and see more positives in having complementary interests, needs and abilities.

I figure any togetherness is obtained in other ways, through communications about child issues, talking about or from involvement together with everyday other life things, and from fulfilling out other responsibilities which may require us both on the same page. I feel we each deserve our own time to do our own things, and as in our case, they are more solitary activities we each have, and so us two doing such together may be too close for comfort.

Also, we have totally different desires, tastes and styles anyway, so it could be stress for us anyway to be around each other too much when our interests are involved. Let each of us get our relaxation and confidence there doing what we enjoy in our own ways. For instance, for music I like cinematic relaxing music, or involving inspiring themes; for writing I like to be detailed and analyze, and for art I like landscapes and seascapes done in precise colors and light versus dark ways, whereas she likes beaty music, poetry and emotional writing through journaling, coloring and character type drawings, with a different style and purpose to create.

This does not mean she cannot ask me what I think about what she listens to, writes or creates, and vise versa, and I give some sincere compliments about something I like about it and for her efforts, but I do not immerse myself in her interests, as those I see as her own, based on her own abilities and preoccupations there. For our children, I have to be more involved for their interests though, to either help them learn, or if they need some assistance or support there or because of any dangers lurking on the internet. Otherwise, I give them that space too to let their creativity flow and their independence shine.

But, I do not see it as wrong showing interest in his interests and participating there, as long as the other is willing to do the same for you if you desire that, and as long as your own interests are able to be done enough to your liking. Otherwise, it seems to defeat the purpose of the couple getting along better, if the stress is building inside from feeling you are either making more efforts or sacrifices than him, or if you needed more time to reduce tension by doing more of your own activities that are taking a back seat to his. So, most need to find the right balance for them, in terms of being involved with the other's activities, and after factoring in their personality, interest needs and tolerance levels.

I think it is great though you seem giving like that. Just be careful though, as pleasers and nice persons can sometimes be taken for granted. A relationship often requires equal efforts and the two to be on the same page. If that occurs, and both of your needs are met, then great!

 

[Raggamuffin]

Sounds like you're putting your self-worth into the other person.

Personality mirroring.

I've done it in a lot of realtionships and found it unsustainable.

Ed

 

[Neonatal RRT]

umm Hi!!!

So first off I apologize if this is the wrong place to post this or I created a thread for the wrong thing or something. Social media is really not a strong point for me. But I'm choosing to see it as a work in progress lol. Please let me know (kindly) if I've messed this up.

So here's what I've been thinking about a lot lately...

When I'm in a relationship I tend to adopt the interests of my significant other. And lets be honest, "adopt" is a pretty gentle word for what I do. I dive in. I obsess. If they like it, I have to know everything about it. For instance my ex really like Star Trek and gaming. I didn't just watch a few episodes and learn how play a video game or two. Nope. I watched every single episode, movie, YouTube analysis, read forums and took notes on Star Trek. I didn't just learn how to game, I gamed for hours upon hours, learned about the history of the industry, read about game development and even started my own Twitch channel.

It isn't that his interests replaced mine. No, my interests were alive and unchanged. They were just getting shoved on the the backburner to wither as I prioritized his, even if it left me feeling stressed, empty and unfulfilled.

Then, when we broke up, I refused to touch any of his hobbies. It was like I just deleted them because they were "his thing" and it hurt to have anything to do with them. I stopped watching anything sci-fi even though I genuinely enjoyed some of the shows. I gave away expensive gaming equipment and just about ghosted my (small but loyal) twitch community.

Sooo, first off, does anyone else relate to this?

And if so, how do you manage it?

I always thought that seeking common ground and sharing interests with your romantic partner is a good thing. And it is. But changing myself to fit in, or in the hopes of being loved isn't. I should be loved for who I am, not my ability to be a chameleon. Where do you draw the line of "okay, this is a healthy attempt to relate to my partner" versus "I'm loosing my identity to make my partner happy." People seem to adore how deeply I immerse myself in their interests so I have a really hard time setting boundaries... its like a punch to the gut when someone gets upset because I'm choosing to spend my day off doing something I enjoy versus doing what they want.

Sooo, yeah.... any advice appreciated

@Emery, I see two things going on. One, I would LOVE to have my wife interested in the same things that I am. However, she is not, nor am I remotely interested in things that she is. The exceptions being travel, and very recently, rockhounding. So, I think you may have done some "reaching out" on your part to create a bond. On the surface, that seems absolutely lovely, but as you found out, it was at the expense of the time, energy, and enjoyment you have of your own interests. Two, if you're autistic, there's a tendency to take "deep dives" into special interests or topics. For some reason, enough is never enough, and it's pretty common to become "an expert" in a short period of time because our brains get "hooked" on something, then it is intrusive thought after intrusive thought until some point where we seem to exhaust the knowledge on the topic, we get bored, then move on to something else.

How do you manage it? Being aware of yourself, your condition, as well as, the knowledge that most people simply don't care about your special interests. Seriously, save yourself the frustration of trying to share. I can't think of one instance in my nearly 60 years where I have found anyone, anywhere, with nearly the intensity of interest that I have in "whatever". I just have to "dial it down" around people. My special interests are my own, they are unique to me, in that moment, so just I enjoy the experience for myself, and that's perfectly fine with me.

My wife and I enjoy travel and rockhounding, as mentioned earlier, but if I do any sort of "pushing" the topic with her, she puts on the brakes, and then neither one of us can enjoy it. To her, "being really interested" in something is quite tempered as compared to me. I may be on "level 10" and she may be on "level 5", and it may not get any more than "level 5" for her. So, a bit of nuance goes a long way, not too much, not too little.

 

[VictorR]

I don't have personal experience with this but I have heard stories of autistic (especially women) doing that, which can be unhealthy as you're not truly being yourself, and as you noted, it puts you at risk of getting really into certain things and then walking away in pain if the relationship doesn't work out

 

[Aspychata]

I already like what most of my best friendships enjoy. But l discovered that l love the Yiddish language, and l love Yiddish music. I also discovered the Romia people, and l learn to enjoy discovering their roots and culture. I also scuba dive due to another one of my close friends, and if course l listen with a open mind to their conspiracy talks. So l feel that l am more rounded as a human-bot.

 

[Knower of nothing]

Yeah I definitely have a bit of this, though it doesn't manifest outside of direct interactions. It is during the interactions that I'll bench all my own interests under the assumption they wouldn't want to hear anything about it and I'll take my usual information-sponge approach with what they're sharing. My partner is an artist so over the years I have picked up quite a bit about how to become a good illustrator haha!
It is definitely not ideal, especially once you really feel like you're pushing yourself aside just to be engaged with positively. For me it comes from a lack of confidence that I'm naturally likable, so I need constant confirmation and the easiest way to get this is having someone that likes and wants to talk to you. It's a sad and logical approach to fill an unfillable void.
What I have already done that you may be able to try next time, is to actually talk about this aspect of yourself with them. Let them know. See what they think.

 

[Cassielyn]

umm Hi!!!

So first off I apologize if this is the wrong place to post this or I created a thread for the wrong thing or something. Social media is really not a strong point for me. But I'm choosing to see it as a work in progress lol. Please let me know (kindly) if I've messed this up.

So here's what I've been thinking about a lot lately...

When I'm in a relationship I tend to adopt the interests of my significant other. And lets be honest, "adopt" is a pretty gentle word for what I do. I dive in. I obsess. If they like it, I have to know everything about it. For instance my ex really like Star Trek and gaming. I didn't just watch a few episodes and learn how play a video game or two. Nope. I watched every single episode, movie, YouTube analysis, read forums and took notes on Star Trek. I didn't just learn how to game, I gamed for hours upon hours, learned about the history of the industry, read about game development and even started my own Twitch channel.

It isn't that his interests replaced mine. No, my interests were alive and unchanged. They were just getting shoved on the the backburner to wither as I prioritized his, even if it left me feeling stressed, empty and unfulfilled.

Then, when we broke up, I refused to touch any of his hobbies. It was like I just deleted them because they were "his thing" and it hurt to have anything to do with them. I stopped watching anything sci-fi even though I genuinely enjoyed some of the shows. I gave away expensive gaming equipment and just about ghosted my (small but loyal) twitch community.

Sooo, first off, does anyone else relate to this?

And if so, how do you manage it?

I always thought that seeking common ground and sharing interests with your romantic partner is a good thing. And it is. But changing myself to fit in, or in the hopes of being loved isn't. I should be loved for who I am, not my ability to be a chameleon. Where do you draw the line of "okay, this is a healthy attempt to relate to my partner" versus "I'm loosing my identity to make my partner happy." People seem to adore how deeply I immerse myself in their interests so I have a really hard time setting boundaries... its like a punch to the gut when someone gets upset because I'm choosing to spend my day off doing something I enjoy versus doing what they want.

Sooo, yeah.... any advice appreciated

The way you describe your strengths and weaknesses sounds like the adult child of an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. There are free groups called, “CODA” or Children of Dysfunctional or Alcoholics.” it certainly is a well-known good idea to share some interests but the way you do it sounds like you’re on fire.

 

[Emery]

In my case, I see opposite interests as better than having similar interests, as we need that alone time to do our thing. This does not mean I cannot respect or appreciate my wife's interests and abilities, but just that I feel I do not need that togetherness in either me sharing in her interests or she sharing in mine, as we focus on staying true to who we are and enjoying our own things separate from each other, and see more positives in having complementary interests, needs and abilities.

I figure any togetherness is obtained in other ways, through communications about child issues, talking about or from involvement together with everyday other life things, and from fulfilling out other responsibilities which may require us both on the same page. I feel we each deserve our own time to do our own things, and as in our case, they are more solitary activities we each have, and so us two doing such together may be too close for comfort.

Also, we have totally different desires, tastes and styles anyway, so it could be stress for us anyway to be around each other too much when our interests are involved. Let each of us get our relaxation and confidence there doing what we enjoy in our own ways. For instance, for music I like cinematic relaxing music, or involving inspiring themes; for writing I like to be detailed and analyze, and for art I like landscapes and seascapes done in precise colors and light versus dark ways, whereas she likes beaty music, poetry and emotional writing through journaling, coloring and character type drawings, with a different style and purpose to create.

This does not mean she cannot ask me what I think about what she listens to, writes or creates, and vise versa, and I give some sincere compliments about something I like about it and for her efforts, but I do not immerse myself in her interests, as those I see as her own, based on her own abilities and preoccupations there. For our children, I have to be more involved for their interests though, to either help them learn, or if they need some assistance or support there or because of any dangers lurking on the internet. Otherwise, I give them that space too to let their creativity flow and their independence shine.

But, I do not see it as wrong showing interest in his interests and participating there, as long as the other is willing to do the same for you if you desire that, and as long as your own interests are able to be done enough to your liking. Otherwise, it seems to defeat the purpose of the couple getting along better, if the stress is building inside from feeling you are either making more efforts or sacrifices than him, or if you needed more time to reduce tension by doing more of your own activities that are taking a back seat to his. So, most need to find the right balance for them, in terms of being involved with the other's activities, and after factoring in their personality, interest needs and tolerance levels.

I think it is great though you seem giving like that. Just be careful though, as pleasers and nice persons can sometimes be taken for granted. A relationship often requires equal efforts and the two to be on the same page. If that occurs, and both of your needs are met, then great!

Thank you for your reply!
Its really encouraging to hear that two people can work with the ways they are different to enrich each others lives and that space (or not participating in each others interests) doesn't need to be interpreted as not caring. Hearing your story brightened my day.
Balance seems to have become a key word in my life recently. It sounds so simple but it can be so hard to achieve. I definitely am a people pleaser and it has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. I guess I've always taken it for granted that because I'm the "misfit" in the relationship I should be putting in more effort and conforming to the "normal" person. As I'm typing this out, I realize how horrible that sounds. I guess it is a thought process that I need to reexamine.
Lots of food for thought!

 

[Emery]

Sounds like you're putting your self-worth into the other person.

Personality mirroring.

I've done it in a lot of realtionships and found it unsustainable.

Ed

Personality mirroring was a new term for me and I had so much fun reading about it!
It is something I relate too a lot. More so in the setting of the general public than in my personal relationships. But I will read and think about it more. Figuring out how far I go to fit in, to be excepted, and yes, how unsustainable and damaging that can be to me has been the biggest epiphany of 2023 (so far). I'm kinda bogged down when it comes to figure out how to stop "pretending" and how to start "being me" if that makes any sense. I have been trying to act normal for so long I'm not sure I know a different way to be.

 

[Emery]

@Emery, I see two things going on. One, I would LOVE to have my wife interested in the same things that I am. However, she is not, nor am I remotely interested in things that she is. The exceptions being travel, and very recently, rockhounding. So, I think you may have done some "reaching out" on your part to create a bond. On the surface, that seems absolutely lovely, but as you found out, it was at the expense of the time, energy, and enjoyment you have of your own interests. Two, if you're autistic, there's a tendency to take "deep dives" into special interests or topics. For some reason, enough is never enough, and it's pretty common to become "an expert" in a short period of time because our brains get "hooked" on something, then it is intrusive thought after intrusive thought until some point where we seem to exhaust the knowledge on the topic, we get bored, then move on to something else.

How do you manage it? Being aware of yourself, your condition, as well as, the knowledge that most people simply don't care about your special interests. Seriously, save yourself the frustration of trying to share. I can't think of one instance in my nearly 60 years where I have found anyone, anywhere, with nearly the intensity of interest that I have in "whatever". I just have to "dial it down" around people. My special interests are my own, they are unique to me, in that moment, so just I enjoy the experience for myself, and that's perfectly fine with me.

My wife and I enjoy travel and rockhounding, as mentioned earlier, but if I do any sort of "pushing" the topic with her, she puts on the brakes, and then neither one of us can enjoy it. To her, "being really interested" in something is quite tempered as compared to me. I may be on "level 10" and she may be on "level 5", and it may not get any more than "level 5" for her. So, a bit of nuance goes a long way, not too much, not too little.

Thank you! this was a really helpful way to look at it. Now that I'm thinking about it more, I think, deep down, I always expected my partner to reciprocate the interest I took in their hobbies. You know... every action has an equal and opposite reaction... that sort of thing. But that's not the case (OMG people don't work like physics?!?!?... mind blown lol)
I think the different "levels" of intensity that people bring to activities is defiantly an important factor in all this. Also what I consider to be fun other people consider work and vice versa.

 

[Emery]

I don't have personal experience with this but I have heard stories of autistic (especially women) doing that, which can be unhealthy as you're not truly being yourself, and as you noted, it puts you at risk of getting really into certain things and then walking away in pain if the relationship doesn't work out

Thank you... hearing this made me feel a lot less strange. Not that I want other people to struggle with the same things I do but it's nice to not be alone in it. If other people can figure it out then there is hope for me

 

[Emery]

I already like what most of my best friendships enjoy. But l discovered that l love the Yiddish language, and l love Yiddish music. I also discovered the Romia people, and l learn to enjoy discovering their roots and culture. I also scuba dive due to another one of my close friends, and if course l listen with a open mind to their conspiracy talks. So l feel that l am more rounded as a human-bot.

I get this! My friends and loved ones are 100% the reason that I am, as you put it, well rounded. If it was up to me, I would basically live in a library. They make sure I try something new... every now and again. I am much better about regulating how deeply I immerse myself in topics when it comes to friendship vs romantic relationships

 

[Emery]

Yeah I definitely have a bit of this, though it doesn't manifest outside of direct interactions. It is during the interactions that I'll bench all my own interests under the assumption they wouldn't want to hear anything about it and I'll take my usual information-sponge approach with what they're sharing. My partner is an artist so over the years I have picked up quite a bit about how to become a good illustrator haha!
It is definitely not ideal, especially once you really feel like you're pushing yourself aside just to be engaged with positively. For me it comes from a lack of confidence that I'm naturally likable, so I need constant confirmation and the easiest way to get this is having someone that likes and wants to talk to you. It's a sad and logical approach to fill an unfillable void.
What I have already done that you may be able to try next time, is to actually talk about this aspect of yourself with them. Let them know. See what they think.

This really hit home. I see so much of myself in what you wrote. Sometimes it feels like life is a constant choice between "being me" and being devastatingly alone.
And the advice is excellent I will endeavor to put it to good use! Though talking to people is... difficult, it is usually the right thing to do lol

 

[Emery]

The way you describe your strengths and weaknesses sounds like the adult child of an alcoholic or dysfunctional family. There are free groups called, “CODA” or Children of Dysfunctional or Alcoholics.” it certainly is a well-known good idea to share some interests but the way you do it sounds like you’re on fire.

oh wow! I feel... very seen. You are pretty spot on with that one. My family situation was... challenging and it has affected many areas of my life including my current relationships and mental health journey deeply. I'm kinda curious about how you could tell lol. I will look into the groups you mentioned
As for being on fire... is that a bad thing or a good thing? As a person who has literally lit their hair on fire while smoking a cigarette (reason #274 to not start smoking!) it is such a bad thing. But then again the "kids these days" call things "fire" or "lit" and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing... I apologize profusely for my confusion and am very thankful for your recommendation.