Adult son with Social Anxiety Issues/on spectrum

[DogzSpirit]

Surely there must be other parents on the spectrum, whom have run into challenges with their
NT and AT adult children. So I will look here for insight.

My adult son has a girlfriend. He said years ago no sense in introducing anyone to me unless he is serious.
I get the feeling my quirkiness is embarrassing to him, as much as I try to mask when in public with him.
This adult male is not NT either.

The idea that there’s a ‘correct time’ to introduce your other half is socially enshrined. I tend to ignore those social rules, particularly when it comes to my son, for he doesn’t fit the social norm. He has always had the scent of being socially anxious, particularly when younger.


Now he is an adult, successful, and has an (unconfirmed) girlfriend. Unconfirmed in that he has not verbally shared this information.


However the signs are everywhere. Car parked in his driveway. Two sets of cuddly matching mans woman xmas pjs left on the kitchen chair by accident. A girl/woman’s hair brush and scrounges on the counter. Vacations with someone who parks their car at his house. All of these were left out accidentally, when he didn’t think I would be by his house and he had then phoned me to run an emergency stop by his house.

He depends on me. But, happily less and less. We have as good as a relationship as possible, with his not being too talkative. Last emergency was to stop by his house and photograph his passport and text it to him so he could board a cruise ship (forgot passport).


Now a little bit about our history: From the lowest of points 18 years ago: A therapist (Myself and husband went to regarding my son) declared him very ill, due to this social anxiety in which he would shut himself off behind his bedroom door. I didn’t see the potential for being on the spectrum for him or myself at the point.


I only knew from my own course of counseling senior citizens, that respect was paramount and no way was I going to demand the door stay open, or as she advised to remove the door from its hinges. Instead I did tough love, and gave him options of job training, school, volunteer work (think Habitat for Humanity) or counseling (with a different therapist). He said no to all, and I said you are free to leave then.


I took a huge gamble, and it paid off. He phoned me and told me he was ready for my help. Result: All swung in the right direction with him now being gainfully employed for over ten years. My husband keeps saying that this was a miracle. He had worried that my son (from a different marriage) would never be self sufficient.


Fast forward: He is not only gainfully employed, but has friends from work he meets after work. He has that scent of a girlfriend whom he vacations with. He is considering aiming for a supervisory position at work. Wow. I take such joy in all of this, for it seemed so far out of reach many years back.


But he will not inform me of a girlfriend, and I am at a loss (though silent about this) with that aspect of him.


I do not want to stress him. His life is progressing nicely. It is not worth my self satisfaction and joy (in being included/introduced) and trigger that anxiety button. So why even ask about any of the following, of others on the spectrum:


Why ask what has helped others who are anxious to the point of not introducing a girlfriend/boyfriend to their parent?


Why ask how parent on the spectrum (like myself) with a child on or not on spectrum, have handled this meeting of a significant other, when the adult child sidesteps it?


Because the obvious, I would love for him to include me in this joy, but the not so obvious….


He won’t even understand the following… for it is completely over his head socially:


This girlfriend may be feeling sad or undeserving in some way, not even having met his mother?


I know it would make me feel 'less' if my male friend didn’t want to introduce me to his mother.

It may even make be feel strangely cautious with way too many unspoken why why why’s?


If I were the girlfriend: I would feel unsettled. Is the mother strange? Is the mother prejudiced in some way?

Is the family he has, dysfunctional in some manner?


If this person accepts my son as is, I can accept that. But if she is left wondering about things,


and has not met his family/mom, is that healthy for this relationship? Does it make the relationship stronger


or will it weaken it over time.


I have always wanted someone in my son’s life, to grow old with, and be there for one another.


I think it is best to at least say “Hi, So happy you are in my sons life!” or maybe that is the Aspire
in me and there is a more suitable NT something to say as I hide under a mask "Nice to meet you!"


I am not pushy, and could go on like this, but for that nagging feeling.


Happy that son is making progress in leaps and bounds.


Scared for him, that he may be making a misstep in not doing a quick introduction.

I doubt he has (or ever will) shared any of this anxieties/wiring with his girlfriend as he is the quiet type that at this later age of 39, comes off like a silent lean on me rock type of man. He blends into his social group and work group well. It brings him much happiness presenting as such. So his wiring isn't the issue, as he has pushed for inclusion and succeeded. She is probably so happy to find someone whom is a nice guy, unmarried, works hard, that she has labeled him the silent type!

Insight? Share your similar parenting experiences if this is a common thread in parenting on the spectrum?

I know that for me as a parent on the spectrum, I definitely had a different way of parenting. That way has lent to how my children turned out. What is acceptable as a young child, is often embarrassing as an adult child, in regards to a parents way of presenting themselves. That much is universal, but probably even more so with a different twist from an AT parent?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.
DogzSpirit

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Surely there must be other parents on the spectrum, whom have run into challenges with their
NT and AT adult children. So I will look here for insight.

My adult son has a girlfriend. He said years ago no sense in introducing anyone to me unless he is serious.
I get the feeling my quirkiness is embarrassing to him, as much as I try to mask when in public with him.
This adult male is not NT either.

The idea that there’s a ‘correct time’ to introduce your other half is socially enshrined. I tend to ignore those social rules, particularly when it comes to my son, for he doesn’t fit the social norm. He has always had the scent of being socially anxious, particularly when younger.


Now he is an adult, successful, and has an (unconfirmed) girlfriend. Unconfirmed in that he has not verbally shared this information.


However the signs are everywhere. Car parked in his driveway. Two sets of cuddly matching mans woman xmas pjs left on the kitchen chair by accident. A girl/woman’s hair brush and scrounges on the counter. Vacations with someone who parks their car at his house. All of these were left out accidentally, when he didn’t think I would be by his house and he had then phoned me to run an emergency stop by his house.

He depends on me. But, happily less and less. We have as good as a relationship as possible, with his not being too talkative. Last emergency was to stop by his house and photograph his passport and text it to him so he could board a cruise ship (forgot passport).


Now a little bit about our history: From the lowest of points 18 years ago: A therapist (Myself and husband went to regarding my son) declared him very ill, due to this social anxiety in which he would shut himself off behind his bedroom door. I didn’t see the potential for being on the spectrum for him or myself at the point.


I only knew from my own course of counseling senior citizens, that respect was paramount and no way was I going to demand the door stay open, or as she advised to remove the door from its hinges. Instead I did tough love, and gave him options of job training, school, volunteer work (think Habitat for Humanity) or counseling (with a different therapist). He said no to all, and I said you are free to leave then.


I took a huge gamble, and it paid off. He phoned me and told me he was ready for my help. Result: All swung in the right direction with him now being gainfully employed for over ten years. My husband keeps saying that this was a miracle. He had worried that my son (from a different marriage) would never be self sufficient.


Fast forward: He is not only gainfully employed, but has friends from work he meets after work. He has that scent of a girlfriend whom he vacations with. He is considering aiming for a supervisory position at work. Wow. I take such joy in all of this, for it seemed so far out of reach many years back.


But he will not inform me of a girlfriend, and I am at a loss (though silent about this) with that aspect of him.


I do not want to stress him. His life is progressing nicely. It is not worth my self satisfaction and joy (in being included/introduced) and trigger that anxiety button. So why even ask about any of the following, of others on the spectrum:


Why ask what has helped others who are anxious to the point of not introducing a girlfriend/boyfriend to their parent?


Why ask how parent on the spectrum (like myself) with a child on or not on spectrum, have handled this meeting of a significant other, when the adult child sidesteps it?


Because the obvious, I would love for him to include me in this joy, but the not so obvious….


He won’t even understand the following… for it is completely over his head socially:


This girlfriend may be feeling sad or undeserving in some way, not even having met his mother?


I know it would make me feel 'less' if my male friend didn’t want to introduce me to his mother.

It may even make be feel strangely cautious with way too many unspoken why why why’s?


If I were the girlfriend: I would feel unsettled. Is the mother strange? Is the mother prejudiced in some way?

Is the family he has, dysfunctional in some manner?


If this person accepts my son as is, I can accept that. But if she is left wondering about things,


and has not met his family/mom, is that healthy for this relationship? Does it make the relationship stronger


or will it weaken it over time.


I have always wanted someone in my son’s life, to grow old with, and be there for one another.


I think it is best to at least say “Hi, So happy you are in my sons life!” or maybe that is the Aspire
in me and there is a more suitable NT something to say as I hide under a mask "Nice to meet you!"


I am not pushy, and could go on like this, but for that nagging feeling.


Happy that son is making progress in leaps and bounds.


Scared for him, that he may be making a misstep in not doing a quick introduction.

I doubt he has (or ever will) shared any of this anxieties/wiring with his girlfriend as he is the quiet type that at this later age of 39, comes off like a silent lean on me rock type of man. He blends into his social group and work group well. It brings him much happiness presenting as such. So his wiring isn't the issue, as he has pushed for inclusion and succeeded. She is probably so happy to find someone whom is a nice guy, unmarried, works hard, that she has labeled him the silent type!

Insight? Share your similar parenting experiences if this is a common thread in parenting on the spectrum?

I know that for me as a parent on the spectrum, I definitely had a different way of parenting. That way has lent to how my children turned out. What is acceptable as a young child, is often embarrassing as an adult child, in regards to a parents way of presenting themselves. That much is universal, but probably even more so with a different twist from an AT parent?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.
DogzSpirit

I would like to be able to discuss the rest of your post, but from my own experience what I resonated with the most was that I never discussed relationship-related things with my own mother because she, unlike you, is pushy and would tease constantly from a young age. My relationship now is not something she deserves to be privy to.

But you sound like a wonderful mother! He is lucky to have someone like you. With autism...it's all in our own time. That's all I can really say.

 

[Tom]

I have an adult son on the spectrum and he has never been talkative about his personnal life and often not talkative at all. 'A man of few words' was how an organizer at a habitat for humanity type thing described him years ago when he was about 16. But I found he will talk if you can stumble upon what is on his mind in a natural sort of conversational way. In other words I have given up on trying to find out some specific piece of information. Instead I just focus on trying to engage in conversation that interests him and then he will tell me lots of interesting things. Nothing to do with what I am curious about probably but interesting nevertheless and connecting.

He's been on his own and sucessfull since age 18 and I would be very happy if I found out he had a girl friend. But I think he is socially inhibited in that respect.

Honestly, I think you should throw all that 'Mother should know, Is he ashamed? etc stuff out the window. It often is completely irrevelent to NDs and probably means nothing. Just be happy he is doing well, respect his privacy and be there if and when he needs your help or wants to share something.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Maybe it is just me, but when I was socially mature enough to be in a relationship with a woman, I wanted her to meet my family, warts and all. Plus, likewise meeting her family. I was living independently by then, but thought that such introductions were the ethical/mature way to handle a budding relationship. Doing so is not masking, emulating NT behavior. Not doing so I put down to a . . . an inability to regulate executive functioning.

 

[Rodafina]

In my case, any relationship is my business. Others meddle, form expectations, and wonder too much. For some, privacy is paramount, better to give space.

 

[AdamG]

I can only speak from what I gathered, from a quick skim.
.
You are a good and kind person, that much is very apparent. And you want the best things for your son, and this is also very much admirable and apparent.
.
Maybe he thinks you meddle too much, and you want to assume and push on him. Maybe he has a girlfriend, but maybe not? Maybe he despises that label and wants to wait until HE is sure, instead of introducing you to someone he will not marry.
.
You did say "tough love" and maybe it was tough on him too. Maybe he wants to be out of your influence, so he can do what he wants, without your approval at every step.
.
I am saying this for love, not that you did anything wrong. You did a mother thing.
.
but maybe that "tough love" has him "tough distancing" so you don't rain on his parade?

 

[DogzSpirit]

I would like to be able to discuss the rest of your post, but from my own experience what I resonated with the most was that I never discussed relationship-related things with my own mother because she, unlike you, is pushy and would tease constantly from a young age. My relationship now is not something she deserves to be privy to.

But you sound like a wonderful mother! He is lucky to have someone like you. With autism...it's all in our own time. That's all I can really say.

That was my gut feeling to let it ride itself out and have him take his time unstressed. My husband feels that it is unfair to me to not have the pleasure of being included, but my response is that he has come so far and just needs to adjust with time. I said it is not about unfair, it is about protecting his emotional health. But then I began to be concerned about what this young lady might be feeling.

 

[DogzSpirit]

I can only speak from what I gathered, from a quick skim.
.
You are a good and kind person, that much is very apparent. And you want the best things for your son, and this is also very much admirable and apparent.
.
Maybe he thinks you meddle too much, and you want to assume and push on him. Maybe he has a girlfriend, but maybe not? Maybe he despises that label and wants to wait until HE is sure, instead of introducing you to someone he will not marry.
.
You did say "tough love" and maybe it was tough on him too. Maybe he wants to be out of your influence, so he can do what he wants, without your approval at every step.
.
I am saying this for love, not that you did anything wrong. You did a mother thing.
.
but maybe that "tough love" has him "tough distancing" so you don't rain on his parade?

Yes, I am sure that sending him on his way, when he refused the options (work, school, volunteer or get counseling) , rather than letting him sit in a bedroom 24/7 was tough, but it turned out much better than enabling him. The bit of studies that he was required to take, he told me actually helped him pass his work acceptance test, and he considered it lost money till that happened.

It hurt me terribly to see him head down that driveway, and both he and I were very lucky that his thinking he hit rock bottom and was open to suggestion (training course) didn't involve drugs or homelessness. So we were oh so lucky.

I know one thing. Had life not gotten more difficult than shutting himself upstairs in a room, he would have missed that lucky break.

He is loving, protective of me, and probably is just as protective of any friend or girlfriend in his life. Thus I wait, but cannot help but wonder and at times worry to myself.

 

[DogzSpirit]

In my case, any relationship is my business. Others meddle, form expectations, and wonder too much. For some, privacy is paramount, better to give space.

He's got lots of space lol... let's hope it is not too much space for his lady friend eh?

 

[DogzSpirit]

Maybe it is just me, but when I was socially mature enough to be in a relationship with a woman, I wanted her to meet my family, warts and all. Plus, likewise meeting her family. I was living independently by then, but thought that such introductions were the ethical/mature way to handle a budding relationship. Doing so is not masking, emulating NT behavior. Not doing so I put down to a . . . an inability to regulate executive functioning.

That is wonderful. And that is how I also was brought up. Everyone was just themselves and very affectionate at that. That was how I raised my boys (now men) in a house where all friends came in and were treated like family/openly.

As you say social maturity was a strength of yours, and maybe that is something that my son has yet to develop, though he is also struggling with social anxiety which is slowly but surely improving over the years. So there is much to look forward to.

 

[DogzSpirit]

I have an adult son on the spectrum and he has never been talkative about his personnal life and often not talkative at all. 'A man of few words' was how an organizer at a habitat for humanity type thing described him years ago when he was about 16. But I found he will talk if you can stumble upon what is on his mind in a natural sort of conversational way. In other words I have given up on trying to find out some specific piece of information. Instead I just focus on trying to engage in conversation that interests him and then he will tell me lots of interesting things. Nothing to do with what I am curious about probably but interesting nevertheless and connecting.

He's been on his own and sucessfull since age 18 and I would be very happy if I found out he had a girl friend. But I think he is socially inhibited in that respect.

Honestly, I think you should throw all that 'Mother should know, Is he ashamed? etc stuff out the window. It often is completely irrevelent to NDs and probably means nothing. Just be happy he is doing well, respect his privacy and be there if and when he needs your help or wants to share something.

Thank you for the insight. I am over the moon that he has a gal friend. I am less concerned about my knowing, than I am about the girlfriend wanting to meet his family and being in the dark as to why she hasn't. I always wondered about guys that wouldn't intro me to their parents/family. It kind of said they were not real serious about me. I would not want her to feel that way, particularly if she is important to him. That is the type of stuff that hurts a relationship?

 

[Tom]

All that really matters is he understand her and she him. Family is kind of extraneous, especially in the beginning of a relationship. If they get serious and settled they may then integrate more with the family. Just remember people on the spectrum march to the beat of a different drummer and do not instinctively have the set of established norms as part of their programming.

Now as a Mom, the person that brought them into this world and raised them, you do have some rights. But it is more like the right to getting a phone call every few months to hear that they are alive. Be patient and let them find their own footing.

 

[AdamG]

Yes, I am sure that sending him on his way, when he refused the options (work, school, volunteer or get counseling) , rather than letting him sit in a bedroom 24/7 was tough, but it turned out much better than enabling him. The bit of studies that he was required to take, he told me actually helped him pass his work acceptance test, and he considered it lost money till that happened.

It hurt me terribly to see him head down that driveway, and both he and I were very lucky that his thinking he hit rock bottom and was open to suggestion (training course) didn't involve drugs or homelessness. So we were oh so lucky.

I know one thing. Had life not gotten more difficult than shutting himself upstairs in a room, he would have missed that lucky break.

He is loving, protective of me, and probably is just as protective of any friend or girlfriend in his life. Thus I wait, but cannot help but wonder and at times worry to myself.

I appreciate your response. I was not at all trying to attack you or scold you in any way.
.
You did what you had to do. And apparently it worked.
.
I'm just saying, if he is getting more independent, maybe he needs time to work through that, and since you were a major part of that, he might be just ... for himself and figuring it all out ... be distancing from you to be more independent.
.
I like theorizing about behaviors and psychology. I mean no offense at all.

 

[Hypnalis]

@DogzSpirit

Your son is 39. He's taking care of himself.
You should not be getting between him and his SO.

If you look back through your list (a bit of overthinking there BTW) there are some thoughts/possible actions that are definitely a step too far.

You have to make the contact / no contact decision yourself (it's very dependent on your son - there's nowhere near enough data about him for anyone to guide you on that).

Assuming you decide for contact, some things to consider:

1
He may be making information about his relationship available to you indirectly.
Think through where it came from, but exclude anything where you weren't expected to get any data. On that note, your knowing there are two cars in the driveway doesn't sound good, and if you've been snooping when you're at his place, stop it.

2
On the plus side, the matching pyjamas and the hairbrush could very easily be deliberate signals. If so, they have a reason for communicating indirectly, but they are doing it, and your son is waiting for you to invite him for "coffee and a chat"

3
There's a "me me me" aspect to one of your comments above that I suggest you rethink. This one:
“Hi, So happy you are in my sons life!”
Your wife's GF will want to meet you at some point. She may have asked him months ago (this is consistent with the (otherwise extremely unlikely) "PJs in the kitchen" incident).
However it goes (we can discuss options at some later time) you want to spend some time to get to know her first, and then say (a) (perhaps indirectly) you like her, and (b) you're happy she's in your son's life.

You could also go with "(a) Happy you're in my son's life" to a newly hired maid - that's only half of what hs GF will want to hear - i.e. it's good, but it's not sufficient.
BTW the script for closing first meeting is simple - I can give you the words of you like.

4
Building off (3), go back and ask yourself of any of your preliminary thoughts (as listed above) would impinge on your son's adult autonomy.
You're probably well past the point at which you can tell him what to do. But it sounds like you're not quite at the later stage, where your kids get to order you around
I found that turnaround a bit difficult the first time, but it's a very good thing. Independence isn't enough - for continuity, it's essential that the younger generation (your son's) stop focusing only on themselves, and start thinking of the previous (you) and next generation (their children).


This post is long enough for now, but I had to leave a lot out. If you're interested in continuing:

A. Think about whether your son and his GF have been "softening you up" with signals (e.g. PJs and hairbrush)
B. If there's any new information in my "relative autonomy" section, think about it a bit. OFC if you've already gone through the process ignore that ... but TBH it sounds like your son and GF may have started along that path, but you haven't yet.
.
.
PS: twisting your sons tail all those years ago was absolutely the right thing to do as a parent.
And it doesn't matter at all if your execution was imperfect. You had to act.

Some people never leave the nest, and Apies are more likely to stay too long than NTs.

So you took a short term hit to make his life much better in the long run.
And it worked!

He's an adult now - hopefully he understands that your inducing the crisis was among the main positive turning points in his life.

But if he's still unhappy about it, forgive him anyway :.
As a parent we have to do the right thing, but we also have to forgive our kids.

 

[AdamG]

@DogzSpirit I only say these things because at 52 I had to ... HAD TO ... stop corresponding with my mom. She has been a major supporter and influencer in my life. I am as independent as I am because of her.
.
And I'm not saying this is your or your son's thing, but for me, I just needed TIME to be independent, with OUT her influence.
.
It lasted a year. We both understand each other better.
.
So, from my experience, maybe just let him be distant? I think he loves and respects you regardless.

 

[Rodafina]

He's got lots of space lol... let's hope it is not too much space for his lady friend eh?

But you are assuming his lady friend thinks like you do. If she thinks like I do, the space is working well for her.

 

[AdamG]

But you are assuming his lady friend thinks like you do. If she thinks like I do, the space is working well for her.

This.
.
@DogzSpirit trust that your son is doing what is best for him, and doesn't treat everyone like he treats his mom. Have an open mind please. You are going through a lot here, so I can give you a virtual hug. This is not easy for you, and it might not be easy for him.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

That is wonderful. And that is how I also was brought up. Everyone was just themselves and very affectionate at that. That was how I raised my boys (now men) in a house where all friends came in and were treated like family/openly.

As you say social maturity was a strength of yours, and maybe that is something that my son has yet to develop, though he is also struggling with social anxiety which is slowly but surely improving over the years. So there is much to look forward to.

I had terrible social anxiety and a paralyzing fear of rejection. The way I found to relieve that was involvement with groups that were cooperative for activities. Being ND was not an issue and I was among a lot of quirky people, so I was accepted. That gave me the confidence to be both social and follow my internal ethics.

 

[DogzSpirit]

Thank you for all the wonderful and thoughtful responses. So much good advice. After so many responses and my reading them through several times, I see how this may indeed have many perspectives of how to view this situation. Continued patience is the key. When you have a child they are a work of art in progress. It's beautiful and scary at the same time.

Thus I continue watching from afar, his many advances.

I simply remain wait it out mode, much like every other chapter of his life. He will come over solo to visit now and then, and on other occasions request we (myself, husband and dogs)visit for a weekend at a time. He likes having us over, just not when friends are over. Those messages come on jokingly: "Miss the dogs when are you coming over?"

He doesn't hold grievances, in fact is grateful for our help. He knows he was rather stuck years ago, and refers to it as when he hit rock bottom. He also knows we are both proud of him and that includes his work ethics.

@AdamG , I agree with that thought on just needing time to be independent. That may indeed be the scent here.

I think he has just reached a point in his life, where he is unsure but prefers to navigate this (relationship) solo, without additional stress? It's a direct turn around from when he had a girlfriend come visit with him years back. He refers to that relationship as dodging the bullet. He may indeed just be feeling cautious to see where this relationship goes.

@Hypnalis the contact or lack of contact is not really up to me. That could simply push that stress/anxiety button for him. While the move is mine to make, I have on occasion, thrown out an occasional "feel free to include/invite a friend" when we are over his house for something special like my grilling or some special celebration. He likes us over and often has a special dinner request, like for a birthday etc.

My husband is a very supportive NT. It took him years to understand the emotions I digest being AT. So I understand that my son's challenges fall into that unknown area too. He doesn't understand why my son doesn't share these (example: vacation info and with who) joys with me. I then remind my husband 1) He would have to understand the anxiety behind that extra element and what it is to be challenged by anxiety to understand why pushing for that is not an option 2) How far son has come and how that is wonderful in itself. 3) How this may also take time to grow into, that type of sharing.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

My sense from your post is that you might be projecting some of your needs and longing onto the person your son is around. The fact is, you have no clue what person that is, what type of relationship they have with your son or what ever goes on between them. I can tell you that when I've been in a relationship, I show a completely different side of me than when speaking to my parents, and I've certainly never seen any need to meet a partner's family.

I suspect that you really just want your son to discuss his private life with you more (which is totally understandable), but are using his acquaintance's possible feelings as justification because you also know deep down that it isn't really your right to hear about this stuff. I'm pretty sure "I'm not meeting up with my partner's parents" are probably way down the problem list for most relationships. It could also be that the other person feels shy or awkward about meeting you, or you might be completely misunderstanding the situation. Your son is an adult now, and probably knows much better than you how this person you have not seen or talks with once feels.

It's totally up to you what you do, and if you find not knowing totally unbearable, you can ask your son, but don't dress it up as faux concern for his partner. Most of all I recommend leaving this be and let him raise the topic if he wants, but otherwise trust he knows what he's doing. It's good that you sought out advice, and have let him be for this long. A lot of mothers are much less respectful.