Great topic for discussion.
"...and I don't want to lose that childishness to be honest! There is something in me that relates to the environment in a way that's kind of like I'm experiencing it for the first time. I love, most of all, the energy I feel--it's like a current that makes me stay up all night to follow some idea or create something. However I'm finding adult hood more appealing now, something strong about containing that energy and using it instead of it using me."
Well said. I agree that we must have responsibilities. It gives us purpose. I think this has a "grounding effect" on us. On the other hand, life cannot be about responsibilities. We need that intellectual curiosity and creativity for practical reasons, that is, problem solving, but is also a source for personal enjoyment. If you can balance your life around those elements, that's a great start. The term "childishness" can take on different meanings depending upon the perspective and context, but a typical small child has a sense of wonder and excitement about learning. To watch a child's face light up when they discover something new, that puts a smile on my face like no other. If you can still have that as an adult, this never ending, excited, hunger for knowledge to nourish your brain, that's a precious thing.
"...Do you feel younger or older than you are? Did you feel like an old person when youu were young? Do people say you look younger than you are? Are you afraid of aging?
Have your values changed as you get older? How has autism changed for you as youve gotten older."
I am 58 for some perspective. I don't feel younger or older, per se, in my mind. There really isn't this sense of age from a mental perspective. My body, on the other hand, is 58. I'm quite healthy, but still 58, and on the decline. There are times when I look in the mirror and wonder
"What the Hell happened?" I don't recognize myself sometimes. My brain, well, it still looks at beautiful 20-year old women the way I did when I was 20. I also look at 30, 40, 50, 60 year old women the way I did when I was 20. I know that some women have this idea that all (heterosexual) men want is a younger woman, but it would be more accurate to say that all men, especially as they get older, want an intelligent, loving, supportive, respectful life partner. Period.
I don't have a fear of aging, per se. Right now, I have a fear of dying and not being able to complete my life's mission. I have a long list of things I have been dreaming and looking forward to, things that require my time and attention, things that won't get completed until after I retire. So, I am looking excitedly towards my retirement and finally being able to focus on my "childish" creative and intellectual curiosity side. I don't have time to be distracted by death, I've got a lot of things to do yet.
My values have changed over time. This is a function of knowledge + experience + mistakes = wisdom.
My diagnosis certainly has changed my life, and for the better. I can see my world through a different lens. I am much more self aware and accepting. I know where my strengths are and I play to those strengths. I am totally content in my skin and would never want to be someone else. Thank the Lord my autism variant is not associated with the deep depression cycles other have. Sure, I can get into a bit of a down-in-the-dumps "funk" for a while, but it tends to bottom out with simply not being able to enjoy things, a "flat affect", etc. I don't take those deep dives into anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, negativity, nor suicidal ideation. For the most part, I am pretty positive about things and just let life's "crap" slide off as is I were made of Teflon. I understand the words,
"This too, shall pass." Having the best day of your life? This too, shall pass. Having the worst day of your life? This too, shall pass. More recently, I have discovered using low-moderate doses of psilocybin mushrooms combined with Lion's Mane mushrooms and it has been a real game changer. No more depression episodes, my mind is clear, I sleep better, I roll with life's interruptions and disappointments much better, enhanced motor skills, enhanced sensory system (I can tolerate a lot more input, 720p vs 4K), and a long list of other improvements. I am receiving significantly more positive feedback from my co-workers and my up-line. Sure, I still am autistic, but it's a better version of myself.
