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Advice needed, NT male dating ASD female with PDA subset. Getting ghosted?

T

Tmontana

New Member
New to the ASD community so I apologize ahead of time if I'm using the wrong terms on anything I say.
So I (neurotypical male) matched on tinder with this girl I will call Vicky. Had a great first date. Went on a 2nd date the very next day that went even better. At the end of the night Vicky told me they had an great time. I told them I would love to see them again the next week. They said they would love that. The next day I sent 2 texts. The first was about how i had a great time the night before. The second was something silly about my pets which ahe met the previous day. I didn't get a response to either. Sent a third asking if everything was ok. Over a day later they responded saying the had a rough day the previous day and that they "accidentally isolated" which is why they didn't respond. I said no worries, i was just glad they were ok and i appreciated the explanation. They then responded with this:
"Sorry, I get really really overwhelmed and upset feeling pressure to keep up with people and a lot of texts. I get overwhelmed too easily and texts building up overstimulates me quickly and very badly, and I shut down and totally isolate myself. That is my fault.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't do well keeping communication and relationships with people. Only thing that I can try to explain it as is the PDA subset of my ASD. Not an excuse, just my only explanation.

I'm sorry, I'm very frustrated and overwhelmed with everything."

Now this was the first time Vicky had mentioned ASD. There were a few things in hindsight that now made more sense but if they hadn't of told me I would've just thought they were a bit "quirky". I told Vicky that there was no need to be sorry and I appreciated her telling about what's going on, about her ASD and about her PDA subset (which i had to look up as I had not heard of pathological demand avoidance). The next day I sent 2 more texts and said "no need to respond until you're ready". The next day I sent 2 more texts with a similar "respond when you're reeady". On the 3rd day I sent one more text and ended it with:
"...So i will wait until you reply before i message again. And please take your time until your ready. Im in no rush. So even if it's days or weeks later don't feel weird sending me a message.
I like you and am in no rush with things so don't ever feel weird about messaging me. I get that things can be overwhelming and my hope is just to keep getting to know you better. Anyway i hope all is well with you."
That message was sent a week ago and still no response. So here is my dilemma if I thought they were just not interested I would simply move on and chalk this up to another tinder girl that didn't work out but since the dates we had went so well. Like really really well, I don't know what to do now. Do i just continue to wait for a response? Do i reach out again? Do I call? Do I just move on? I have no idea if they have even opened my messages. On one pet pic I sent to Vicky through snapchat I can see they haven't opened it but on the texts (where I sent all of the other messages) I have no clue if they opened them.
Advice?
 
I’m the same way as her. I’ve informed everyone in my life that I regularly need to retreat and go silent for days or even often up to several weeks. You sent her quite a few texts within the space of a few days letting her know you’re in no rush, which rather suggests the opposite. Stop texting her and see if she writes back. If she does, great. If not, move on.
 
You need to have patience, and don't 'push' people with autism, leave them alone be kind and text them again sometimes if they are interested in doing something, i think peolpe with autism have it a lot harder to 'accomodate' themselves to people, knowing each other etc, being confortable with them, opening themselves to them, relaxing and being themselves with them, is a lot lot harder for people with autism, just my humble opinion.
 
Saying you will wait means exactly that. Doing it in Autism time means time just stops until we figure out the next move. I almost ghosted someone, l deleted their text. We just don't have a need to meet strange people. I talked to a guy for almost two years before meeting them. And that was fine by both of our standards. I understand you may not get this.
 
I’m the same way. Ask anyone on here- I will often go several days or a week without responding to private messages. It has nothing to do with how I feel about anyone on here. I enjoy talking to everyone and I respond when I feel like I can keep up with it.

I get burned out really easily and I have a busy life and a job (I’m running a business) and a lot of issues with my physical health (which require frequent doctors appointments, blood tests, injections, etc) and a lot of personal responsibilities. So I can’t always make the time to have a conversation. Sometimes when I have a moment where I’m not busy, I sleep for a long period of time because I haven’t had a chance to rest in a while.

None of this means I’m not interested, or that I’m “ghosting” anyone. I would feel really bad if it came across that way, which is why I will often post status messages saying “I’m not ignoring anyone, just busy” or “I’ll get back to everyone when I can!”

Autistic people can burn out easily, especially from socializing. So I would stop sending her so many text messages for a while and give her time to relax and take care of herself. She’ll respond when she’s ready.
If I get a bunch of text messages all at once, I’m less likely to respond right away, especially if I’m burned out or busy.

Make sense?
 
The flurry of messages probably scared her a bit. I had the habit of thinking that such things represented demands on my time and I never handled demands well. I agree with the suggestions to let it lie at least a few weeks to let her regain her equilibrium. Then write once and move on if she does not respond.
 
I think when a ND decides to open up emotionally to somebody it is a little scary, but once we decide to do so, like I did, I made my special person an interest, and was unwavering in my commitment to her.
 
I’m a very introverted NT female and here’s my perspective on this.

I think the most important thing is for you to realize how “giving someone space” actually looks like in action, and this also applies to NTs you would possibly be dating. I completely agree with Kalinychta on how sending multiple texts saying you can give her time shows the opposite thing. When I first started trying to date people I had the same problem. Once I feel comfortable with people I have the urge to text A LOT, and have scared off many people I was interested in. The funny thing here? Since I’m so introverted, I also need down time from socializing with anyone, so I’m often in the position of telling others to give me time. Yet when it comes to other people asking me of the same thing, I fail to meet those needs. My mentality was that, I could write whatever, and the person I was talking to could get back to me whenever they felt ready. In reality, that was more like spamming their inbox with a bunch of monologue. Been there, done that, and now I do things a lot differently.

Also the thing with Snapchat. Since it automatically deletes the message after you open it, I personally defer from opening any messages until I feel completely ready. In cases of important things like dating, I might wait even longer so I feel 100% sharp mentally. If she hasn’t opened it yet, there’s a good chance she’ll do that in the future.
 
@Tmontana

When you say that you will wait, for you it may means that you will just text her 1 a day.

Whe she says she needs less messages she may mean 1 a month.

Neither of you are being clear. You say things like "too much" and "patience" that may be understood quite like you want. Patience is that you will wait 3 days? 2 weeks? 2 years?

Something like this would help:

"Hello Vicky, since you are so special to me I have decided to wait for your response untill May 10th. If I get no response by that date, I will understand that you are no longer interested or that the time you require to recover does not match with my needs as a neuroatypical person. In that case I would date other girls, but we still can be friends. I wish you the best."

Even in the answers you are getting here, people is telling you things like "too many messages" without giving much detail of how many messages are acceptable for an autist. That is because not even the autist know. The answer could be something like "untill I feel ok to answer those messages, If I ever do, If I dont feel so much shame I block you, If I dont fall in a depression because I liked you too much, if... ".

Best of luck and thanks for doing the efford of enter an autism forum so you can understand better.
 
I am probably the wrong person to ask about dating, but this is a pretty common thing for us: if we are overwhelmed by something we do not mean that figuratively. It's literally too much. Sometimes the problem is something major, and other times it's something trivial.

The best thing I can think of to do, if you two get back in touch, would be to actually discuss the logistics of this. Ask her how much she likes to talk. She might do the same, if she feels safe doing so. It's actually kind of neat because it'll let you get to know each other better.
 
Thank you so much to everyone for their replies and advice, it looks like I will just need to be patient. I'm thinking I'll wait another week or more and send 1 message just checking in. If no response then I guess I'll just have to move on. I think some of the things that have made this difficult for me are:
1. Before our 2 dates we would send dozens of messages back and forth all day, so to me sending 2-3 messages was not messaging a lot.
2. I said I'm NT but I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADD. I can hyper focus on things or people I like and also crave constant stimulation. I'm also an extrovert. So not hearing from someone I had been texting quite a bit just had my brain spinning. Especially since our dates went really well.
3. Without getting into too much detail both of us were looking for some very specific things in a relationship. Things outside what many would call the "norm" of dating. We found many of those things in each other so this made me very excited by getting to know them better and spending more time together.
4. I did not find out about their ASD until they isolated so I didn't have a chance to ask any questions about it.

Anyway, I appreciate all the replies and the little "tips". Here's to hoping they reach out again.
 
Autistics and intoverts have a lot in common with cats. We socialise on our own terms. It can take time (sometimes weeks) to reconcile and accept change (be it positive or negative). So if it really matters, give it time. Phone calls, texts, and emails can be a Herculian task, simply because we don't have a lot of spoons to spare.

Something that is a little out of the box...Traditional corresondence. Write a letter or send a fun postcard. It takes a little more time and doesn't yield instant results, but it does speak volumes in the fact that it is a subtler means of communication. Interest yes, but also respect for one's boundaries.

And for autistics boundaries and crystal clear communication are important.

Just some thoughts.

- D.
 
Yes, I agree that flow of messages was a bit too much for her. I personally would feel confused, because you first said you'll be texting less and then you were still writing and I'd feel like you only stated you'd text less, but in fact you "ignored" her need. I'd feel like you're still expecting me to respond to your texts. I don't know if I'm making any sense.

The sense of overwhelming is real and limiting. It's great you're adapting to her needs, I know that it must be difficult for you to understand it. It's even difficult for me to explain it. When I'm texting with my partner, I have to have the "right mood" to reply. I just feel inside like I'm not prepared mentally to give a proper answer. If it was me, I'd appreciate maybe a funny meme or cute picture (once, twice a week) to let me know you didn't forget me, but no text. Ball is on her part of field, do not pressure her.
 
Maybe she is unsure about the next step with you. Relationships are frighting to some autistic females. If we have past bad experiences, we tend to live in that space and think that of all men. If you have been stalked or abused by just one man or many, you sorta pull back. Like you think yes, let's meet someone, then when it happens, you are re-living triggers and disappearing.
 
As a old married guy,...55yrs old,...and married for 36yrs. I have an ASD, my wife more neurotypical. We made a lot of mistakes with communication starting out. We had to learn along the way. Had I known I was autistic at the age of 19 when I met her, I think we would have approached things a bit differently.

1. You have your way of communicating. She has hers. Discuss the "rules of engagement" in a calm, open, accepting way. That way miscommunications and the associated emotions and arguments are minimized.
2. Accept the fact that each one of you may have some difficulties with understanding.
3. Avoid emotional conversations.

Just for perspective. I can spend hours with my wife and never say a word. I don't "chit chat" about people. However, I like having her near me. I like doing things with her,...even if we don't converse. When we do communicate, it is short and to the point. We write notes, we may text, but we rarely talk on the phone. I do not argue,...I discuss. If she is emotional, I will shut down. If I am emotional,...I can barely speak, my words get garbled up and I am unable to articulate my thoughts.
 
Neonatal RRT said:
As a old married guy,...55yrs old,...and married for 36yrs. I have an ASD, my wife more neurotypical. We made a lot of mistakes with communication starting out. We had to learn along the way. Had I known I was autistic at the age of 19 when I met her, I think we would have approached things a bit differently.

1. You have your way of communicating. She has hers. Discuss the "rules of engagement" in a calm, open, accepting way. That way miscommunications and the associated emotions and arguments are minimized.
2. Accept the fact that each one of you may have some difficulties with understanding.
3. Avoid emotional conversations.

Just for perspective. I can spend hours with my wife and never say a word. I don't "chit chat" about people. However, I like having her near me. I like doing things with her,...even if we don't converse. When we do communicate, it is short and to the point. We write notes, we may text, but we rarely talk on the phone. I do not argue,...I discuss. If she is emotional, I will shut down. If I am emotional,...I can barely speak, my words get garbled up and I am unable to articulate my thoughts.
Click to expand...

This is so accurate. Just enjoy a very good looking quiet autistic guy. He doesn't have to talk. I enjoy being with him. I notice his smile and his eyes, not what falls out of his mouth. Yes. We write to each other instead of picking up the phone.

So many people have pressured me to break up with him. I don't want too. I hate talkative men now. After him, l don't want to hear you talk.
 
Berushka said:
Yes, I agree that flow of messages was a bit too much for her. I personally would feel confused, because you first said you'll be texting less and then you were still writing and I'd feel like you only stated you'd text less, but in fact you "ignored" her need. I'd feel like you're still expecting me to respond to your texts. I don't know if I'm making any sense.
Click to expand...

It makes perfect sense. In my head I was texting less because it was just twice a day as opposed to the dozens we had been sending back and forth but looking back I see it was multiple times a day so it was still too much. Thanks for the perspective.
 
What you described did seem somewhat suffocating (to a person needing time and space) and also maybe moved too quicky. I person on the spectrum might attempt to keep up with a faster pace as part of masking, but nature will win out in the end.

Whatever you do, stop contacting her. If she contacts you ok, but try and proceed with lesson's learned and be willing to modify/compromise, but above all really listen.
 
Tmontana said:
It makes perfect sense. In my head I was texting less because it was just twice a day as opposed to the dozens we had been sending back and forth but looking back I see it was multiple times a day so it was still too much. Thanks for the perspective.
Click to expand...

I understand you, because since you two were texting regularly, this change of behaviour must be puzzling for you. And she probably didn't want to text you "Stop texting me, it's too much" since it would sound too rude and too much of a closure, and she visibly didn't want that. I think if you just wait and respect her need for her own pace of dealing with things, she would appreciate that much more.

May I ask whether there was any physical contact (Like kiss, hug, holding hands)? If there was, maybe even that helped to pile up this overwhelming feeling, and she needed some distance from it, because it was just too much. And that doesn't really necessarily mean she didn't like that/you. As for me, I need longer time to adapt to this new feelings, it takes much more time than to others. But after I understand them and I am at peace with them, then it continues much more "normally" without that many overwhelming feelings.

By the way, I appreciate your attitude, it shows you really care for her. I think not every man is as caring as you :blush:
 
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