Advice on a harmful stim

[DragonKid♾]

I've recently started scratching at the back of my left hand with the nails of my right hand. It hurts afterwards and I don't like it. It just looks like hand wringing from the outside, so no one's noticed. But I can see the little red marks it leaves. It happens most often in the school cafeteria. That place is too loud and I feel constantly on guard against being mocked, and it makes me nervous. So I stim. I have headphones for the loudness, but I'm afraid of looking like "the special needs freak".

My friends have told me that the headphones look like normal music headphones, but with everything else about me, it's fairly obvious what they actually are. That's part of the reason I'm seeking help. I've heard the best way to remove a bad stim is to replace it with another one. But I'm scared the other one will be too obvious and stand out. At least hand wringing is something everyone does. And now I feel guilty for typing that.

I wish I had the guts to look autistic and unashamed of it. I'm trying. But it's not working. Thoughts?

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I did something similar in elementary school. I scratched up my face so that you could see red lines all over it from my fingernails (I didn't do it more than once or twice after my father made a huge deal of it). Perhaps you can cut your nails short so that at least it doesn't hurt as much or leave markings? It sounds like you are very anxious (which is understandable) so I wish you the best. My one more general piece of advice is not to be too distrustful of what your friends say. Ultimately they do want to help.

 

[Rodafina]

Hey @DragonKid♾ ,
First off, I just want to say that sucks. I don’t know if I’ll be able to offer anything helpful, per se, but I’ll take a go out a couple things…

But I can see the little red marks it leaves. It happens most often in the school cafeteria. That place is too loud and I feel constantly on guard against being mocked, and it makes me nervous. So I stim.

This is awesome that you can identify and understand the trigger. Later on you mentioned that the best course of action here might be to replace the harmful stim with something less harmful. I think this is amazing advice and it is what I need to do a lot of the time.

I understand, too, what you were saying about some stims being obvious or embarrassing. I’ve spent so much time hiding mine and my body does not like it if I don’t let them out!

Anyway, what about not so obvious things? I like to wear jewelry that I can play with - certain rings, bracelets, or earrings have all helped me. I have a strange contraption involving rubber bands and magnets that I keep in my pocket or can wear on my wrist. I also like to carry my prehistoric shark tooth in my pocket. I just put my hand on it and feel it as a type of stim. It even helps me with anxiety because it makes me feel fierce like a powerful shark.

I have headphones for the loudness, but I'm afraid of looking like "the special needs freak".

it's fairly obvious what they actually are.

Well, they are headphones aren’t they. I think I am more than two decades older than you, but aren’t headphones all the rage among kids these days? Across generations, it seems like a pretty normal thing for people to wear headphones these days. I only bring it up in this way because sometimes I realize that things that I am super self-conscious about other people really are not noticing or thinking about. You know best, but @Stuttermabolur may be right that your friends can be trusted here.

 

[Knower of nothing]

Do you think there's any possibility to not have to be in the cafeteria? (provided you'd be okay with that)
Stimming is a bandaid and while I get you'll never avoid all triggers I feel like a cafetaria is maybe not very important. Especially if you're already trying to shut the whole place out to begin with.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes. I have added scratching to my new go-to stims.. When anxious, l scratch my hair/head. But it can get sore there. It's not good. So l tell myself, l am scratching because l am tense and feeling uncomfortable. So l try to come up with something else to do. Can you bring those spinners to school? I have one that lights up. Or a key ring holding some squeeze type toys? I see a lot of tactile toys at 7/11 and CVS, Walgreens etc. And l think, holy bat turds, there is more of us out here. It's a good feeling.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I use whatever its there with my hands, from pencils to clips. There are a lot of hand games like moving a coin from one finger to the other.

In class I loved drawing to concentrate. So people saw me doing things with my hands all the time, but at the same time they were normal things.

Now I also use the cellphone, not sure if that counts, but its also something to do with hands.

Another cool thing is learning cart magic, that involves tons of practice with your hands and its something cool.

 

[Rodafina]

That place is too loud and I feel constantly on guard against being mocked, and it makes me nervous.

Hey, also just wanted to say hang in there… Cafeterias suck. They are the worst… Why does the idea of a cafeteria even exist? Rotten places.

Mocking anybody is rotten and stupid, too and you don’t deserve to that.

I think you are newish here? Stick around with us if you want - people here know a lot about some of the stuff you’re dealing with and there’s other people your age, too I think.

Here’s a picture of my favorite ring and my shark tooth.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

self destructive stimming is not fun! i bite my lips, and i've gotten better about it now that i know whats happening, but when i was younger i would bite until i bled. i also had pretty bad acne and was a big skin-picker. same thing, bleeding all the time.

do you think you could you train yourself not to use your nails, but your fingertips instead? or is the sensation too different? i started using chapstick to help myself not bite my lips, maybe theres a similar "tool" like jewelry that others have suggested. i use a chaplet (bracelet sized rosary) as dual purpose jewelry: prayer and stim!

 

[Suzanne]

I used to slap my head a lot and pick my hair.

I do not do either now: one because I have found something in my life, that can control my hatred of myself and two, having been diagnosed with moderate sleep apnea, have to wear my hair up and thus, no more hair pulling!

I am thinking you were diagnosed as a child? Because, generally, those who get diagnosed later in life, find it a relief to actually be more ourselves.

I was visiting our dr last week and was stimming quite a lot, but did not feel embarrassed ie wringing my hands and showing childlike curiosity - with head to the side - and bobbing my legs up and down. My husband finds it cute ( occasionally).

In the past, before diagnosis, I would hide all those actions. Thinking that I was a freak.

Aspergers is a nuisence, because of self awareness.

 

[Fino]

You sound like a very brave, smart, cool person, indeed!

 

[Raggamuffin]

Depends how stressed I am. The more stressed, the more likely I am to hurt myself.

I often doing multiple things at the same time if things are escalating. These are often paired with anxiety symptoms such as racing heart, dizziness, stomach aches or other muscular aches and pains. Sometimes it spills over into a panic attack. It tends to start off with "the look" - I end up staring off into some unseen distance, but people who know me say I wear my emotions very clearly on my face. When my eyebrows and eyes go, people know that I'm not alright.

Here's my stims to cope in some sort of order of severity

Pacing.
Lip biting.
Rubbing my sternum under my jumper/t-shirt
Exasperated breathing and noises.
Rubbing my arms and rocking.
Eye squinting with mouth open whilst making noises.
Rubbing my face frantically and quite aggressively with my hands whilst making noises.
Scratching my head or picking at my scalp.
Skin picking.
Nose hair pulling.
Pulling out arm hair.
Thumping my head.
Bashing my head into stuff.
If it gets really bad and I need a quick fix/release - I punch something. Always take care that it's nothing that'll break your hand though (friend of mine has done that before). Plastic door card of my car usually suffices. I don't punch interior house doors anymore as I used to split the wood in the process.

Healthiest release I can find is my staffing. If I focus all that energy into my high throws - it helps take the edge off. I've got good with manipulating the momentum and weight and can throw it upwards of 3-4 stories. Can't really staff in moments of high stress though, as they're usually highly situational and brief.

If you can take a moment to close your eyes and focus on breath, it might help. But sometimes that's very hard to remember to do, even though it's so simple.

Taking a time out in a bathroom stall/cubicle is also another go to. Or getting outside to get some sun and fresh air.

Can't really recommend much else though, as I still fall into the trap of self-harm when things get too overwhelming and I'm 36. Noise cancelling headphones with music on really helps me navigate busy places. That and looking at the floor if I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Giving yourself tunnel vision almost, to ignore the peripheral visual noise or crowds etc. If you eliminate noise and visual overwhelm - it can make cities, crowded rooms and noisy locations a lot easier to handle. But it still all leads to fatigue I find.

Ed

 

[DragonKid♾]

Perhaps you can cut your nails short so that at least it doesn't hurt as much

They’re cut as short as I can cut them. I’m not sure what to do.

I like to wear jewelry that I can play with - certain rings, bracelets, or earrings have all helped me.

I have a chewy necklace that I also will spin and bend. I also have two bracelets that I sometimes use and sometimes leave at home.

it seems like a pretty normal thing for people to wear headphones these days.

It is. It’s just not normal to wear headphones while stimming compulsively and acting autistic in other ways. There’s a girl at my school that I’m horribly jealous of because she can wear her noise canceling headphones and no one would ever guess.

Do you think there's any possibility to not have to be in the cafeteria? (provided you'd be okay with that)

I don’t know.

So l try to come up with something else to do. Can you bring those spinners to school? I have one that lights up. Or a key ring holding some squeeze type toys? I see a lot of tactile toys at 7/11 and CVS, Walgreens etc.

I have tactile toys. My favorite is a rainbow stretchy ring from a garage sale. I also have a pop it.

do you think you could you train yourself not to use your nails, but your fingertips instead

I could try.

I am thinking you were diagnosed as a child? Because, generally, those who get diagnosed later in life, find it a relief to actually be more ourselves.

I was diagnosed at 5. So it was always fairly obvious. I found out about that diagnosis at 10 or 11, I forget. My first source of information was one of those sites that calls us problems. And when I asked my parents why they hid it, they said “We didn’t want to hurt your self esteem “ Well meaning, but I haven’t got out of my head yet that being autistic is something you should have bad self esteem for, and that we are problems.

Taking a time out in a bathroom stall/cubicle is also another go to. Or getting outside to get some sun and fresh air.

Bathrooms are part of the problem. I recently came out as non-binary at school and started wearing my pronoun pin. I feel like I’m waiting to be mocked for it. I’m debating not wearing it because no one cares anyway. Outside would be nice, but I don’t know if I’m allowed. I wish we had a courtyard with trees that I could use.

 

[Gracey]

I'd love to write something really helpful to you about how I coped.
Confidently navigating my way through the social challenges of academia but the only conclusions I arrived at after completing the experience were, 'it sucks'
I survived it and in general, it sucks

If I had the opportunity to get a do-over only this time taking what I now know
(half a century of survival tactics, sassy retorts, fitting scripts and a thicker skin)
I'm sure I'd focus less on acceptance from others because I don't need or crave it and more on smashing my way through the curriculum and acing every subject but back in the day I placed the most importance on NOT standing out.
It was my choice and that's what I chose.

Where you're at now is just a snapshot in time. A fraction of your entire life. School/college isn't forever.
Having to spend your days amongst hundreds of other kids and it all 'going tribal' wont last.

After academia you get to choose your own groove. Create your own bubble and live within it. Live on your own terms. It's great

I can feel myself wanting to go off on a tangent here, but I wont.
Instead I'll finish my post with saying I admire you for reaching this stage in the game given you have to work twice as hard at the social stuff.
To date you've probably coped in your own way with more challenges than most may face in their natural lifetime.
I believe that's something to celebrate, rather than feel ashamed or self conscious about.

There's a phrase "There's more than one way to skin a cat"
I don't advise literally discovering various methods
I'd advise applying the approach to your day to day and believe 'there's more than one way to live life'
Non are right or wrong. All are because we choose how we do it.