Advice on keeping best-friend from becoming carer?

[Patrick Stark]

So, over the past six months or so I've started to realise that I'm becoming more and more reliant on my best-friend.
Whenever I feel like I'm going to overload (or when I do overload) I turn to her and she's become the centre of almost all of my coping methods when dealing with the problems my AS throws my way.
She tells me that friends are supposed to be there for each other whenever they're needed but I go to her around 20 times more than she comes to me, which is why I'm getting worried that she's slowly becoming less of a friend and more of a personal carer.

I was just wondering if anyone had had the same problem at any point or if anyone had any advice on how to keep her as a friend, not just someone I use to deal with my problems.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Been there, done that.

I think it depends upon what the other person expects of a friend, and where they're at with their own stuff.

I lost my friend because she'd moved on--she has an alphabet soup of issues but a terrible marriage and a long-drawn-out divorce took a toll; and my problems are chronic rather than acute. I'm guessing here, but I think I got into a pattern of same story, different people, and after a while that just gets old. Hugh Prather wrote in his book Notes on Love and Courage that "No one wants to be the only available source." In the same book, he notes, "My wife says, 'If I want to talk books, I talk to Aunt May. Aunt May reads. If I want to talk sports, I go see Jim. And if it's cuisine, I'll go to Paula. It takes nine or ten people to make up the got-it-all friend."

So, lesson learned: I need more sources. Your mileage may vary!

 

[Progster]

I think you need to try to avoid seeing her so often so that she doesn't become overwhelmed by your frequent visits. If she becomes overwhelmed, it will affect the relationship and she might not want to see you as often. Make a rule for yourself that you only see her once or twice a week. You need to try to find alternative coping mechanisms to deal with problems rather than turn to the same person all the time. For example, perhaps you could discuss some of the issues with someone else, a close family member for instance. Or, when you're feeling down, a going out for a walk can help to clear your mind and make you feel better.

 

[Vinca]

Finding ways of coping so that you aren't solely depending on her would help. I agree with the advice in Aspergirl4hire post, that having a range of friends can help.

Having contact/interaction with her where the focus isn't her helping you with a need could help create some balance.

Time spent together talking about or doing activites that you both enjoy can be a way of giving to/nuturing the friendship.

Having contact with her where the focus is on asking how she is and other appropriate questions that allow her to talk about what she thinks, feels, her interests or whats going on in her life would help her feel as though she is benefiting from the realtionship.