Advice on social skills, friendships, etc.

[MROSS]

How does it compare to listen to advice on social skills, friendships, etc. in-person from familliar people/family versus receiving advice in print / in videos from people we've never met?

I sense advice given from trusted people concerned with the Autsim Spectrum we've never met is naturally more objective in nature, than advice from familliar people and family.

Can it be said that adults on the Autism Spectrum are more receptive to advice from objective/impartial sources than people not on the Autism Spectrum?

 

[Jumpinbare]

Can always be said. Is it accurate though?

 

[Shamar]

How does it compare to listen to advice on social skills, friendships, etc. in-person from familliar people/family versus receiving advice in print / in videos from people we've never met?

I sense advice given from trusted people concerned with the Autsim Spectrum we've never met is naturally more objective in nature, than advice from familliar people and family.

Can it be said that adults on the Autism Spectrum are more receptive to advice from objective/impartial sources than people not on the Autism Spectrum?

Advice on social skills is pretty much lost on me, "read their faces" or "learn to understand body language." Perhaps the worst is "Just go out and meet people." To me, this is the equivalent of teaching a paraplegic to walk by telling him"Just stand up and put one foot in front of the other."

 

[Slime_Punk]

Everyone probably has good advice, it's kind of a matter of who you decide to listen to.

Of course, NTs tend to think you're overthinking the finer details that they have on tap / autopilot, so it can be hard for them to see why 'basic' things are hard for people on the spectrum, so maybe people with ASD really do understand each other in the same way that NTs do, and the crossover might be the issue.

I've read that this is true, actually. I'll cite my sources if I ever find them again.

 

[Hypnalis]

Everyone probably has good advice, it's kind of a matter of who you decide to listen to.

Cherry-picking advice is likely to make it all useless.

IMO Aspies are more likely to try to understand, select, and reshape any advice they get than than NTs were in the past (say up to 1999, though you could go back further).

This is inherently contradictory: if you need the advice, you cannot be capable of re-working it.

Aspies seem to be more susceptible to Dunning-Kruger than NT's were. But of late Zoomers (and probably Alphas) have caught up because so many of them have "learned narcissism", which is another direct path to "wide-range Dunning-Kruger".

@OP - if that's true, there's a large "signal to noise" issue in your question: you would be trying to identify a difference in learning using measurements of people who refuse to learn

Off-topic, but possibly related:

I'm wondering if this is what's behind one of the newer "web statistics": it seems IQ scores in the US have dropped around 20 points over some very short interval (maybe 10 or 15 years - extremely fast for IQ anyway).

(NB: General IQ is supposed to be education- and technique- independent, but OFC it can't achieve that entirely - we may have just found out how much of the unexpected (and unlikely) increases over the last 75 years have been due to education /lol)

I don't think there's any hope for NT's - this mess will have to work itself out over a generation or two.

But for NDs, it might be an indication that different teaching methods are needed for us.
FWIW I've always believed this, but I'm old-school ASD - in my day if you could function normally you were normal.

Things have changed, but not, IMO, education and support for Aspies who can take care of themselves.
There were certainly things I could have been trained in/taught that would have helped. Nobody understood that back then. And today nobody cares (**). But things are more likely to change for the better in the near future than they were when I was at school.

(**) I live in a country where this kind of thing would be delivered free.
And of course there are an "infinite" number of people (some actually capable) who would love to spend tax-payers money helping a category of people who are eligible for public funding.

Here, if anyone cared, the infrastructure would be there already. What's actually possible is generic "disability assistance", but there's no program for ASD-specific support.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

How does it compare to listen to advice on social skills, friendships, etc. in-person from familliar people/family versus receiving advice in print / in videos from people we've never met?

I sense advice given from trusted people concerned with the Autsim Spectrum we've never met is naturally more objective in nature, than advice from familliar people and family.

Can it be said that adults on the Autism Spectrum are more receptive to advice from objective/impartial sources than people not on the Autism Spectrum?

Most people are that way, from my experience.

When it comes from family, especially if there is a power dynamic like a parent-child, the child will often reject the advice and do their own thing. Take away the power dynamic, the receiver is more receptive to whatever is said. You can make a case for both situations being more, or less, helpful or harmful.

A good example is when people will read an op-ed article, view the "news", or a video on a topic and they will incorporate the information into their belief system and cognitive bias, because it is from some source where there isn't a power dynamic and we "choose" to read or view this material. This is how false and distorted information is disseminated, resulting in all sorts of social, investor, and political chaos. The media outlets use these techniques very well to sway public opinion. I wish it was against the law to distort the truth or lie to the public, but that's not the world we live in.

As a parent skill, this is often overlooked. Are you the type of parent that seems to be constantly giving out advice and orders in order to maintain some sort of control, OR, are you the type of parent that your children come to you for advice, and treat you as a mentor and teacher?

 

[Dadamen]

When someone says to me something is inpolite, I get ashamed and memorize that this is inpolite. Like I add it to a list of inpolite things.

Reading body language is harder. Here you can't just tell someone to do it. Probably can be improved, but requiers exercies.

 

[MROSS]

Just reading, and responding to this discussion-thread is helpful. It's been found that writing-out personal perspectives (such as here in the 'Autism Forums') might be "an ice-breaker of sorts."

For adults on the Autism Spectrum, reassessing strengths in order to reassess (social skills) weaknesses is key.

If strengths include small talk with familliar people (everybody on a first-name basis) in familliar places, that is a strength which can prove helpful. Anybody feel that osmosis via observing people is helpful?

 

[Dadamen]

I can have small talk with anyone, but can't bring any friendship to next level. I had some friendships in high school that all broke up at the university, and now I have same sort of weak friendship at university.

 

[Outdated]

Anybody feel that osmosis via observing people is helpful?

This is a huge part of the way children learn and something we seem to do less as adults. Social skills only come the same way that any other skills come to you, by having a go and making mistakes and hopefully learning from mistakes.

Some people have naturally charismatic appearances and that does give them a little advantage but they still have to learn how to socialise the same way everyone else does. This is a lot easier for children than adults because children are less inhibited and because people are more forgiving of that lack of inhibition in children.

I had a couple of advantages from my childhood, although I associated with almost no other kids my age.

At age 7 I had almost become non verbal and was taken to elocution lessons of a sort. It was an old priest or bishop or something, wore funny black pyjamas with red piping on the sleeves and down the front and he had a funny matching square hat. He taught me in his words "how to give a sermon without the benefit of a microphone". How to project my voice without yelling, and to read out loud with perfect diction.

Also at age 7 I got told that if I wanted pocket money I'd have to find some way to earn it, so I went door to door selling lemons. I met a few very strange people and I got chewed by a couple of dogs but I also learned how to talk to strangers, and I made a decent amount of money. At first any way, everyone loved buying lemons off the cute little kid but as I got older they weren't as interested any more.

 

[MROSS]

Any experiences with holiday get-togethers, even email/telephone contacts?

How can holiday-related experiences shape our perspectives on social-skills, potential freindships, etc.?

 

[Hypnalis]

@MROSS

I think your communication style here is unique here (or maybe I've just never noticed anyone else using it). And you ask "impossible questions", but quite focused, so I can imagine you're getting answers you can use.

Is this how you normally think and communicate? Do you have a broader/strategic objective you can share?

 

[Jumpinbare]

Any experiences with holiday get-togethers, even email/telephone contacts?

How can holiday-related experiences shape our perspectives on social-skills, potential freindships, etc.?

Still at extended family get together. Overwhelming as usual, even though I "bucked up", "girded loins", and all that inspirational preparation stuff before leaving home. I'm genuinely glad they can all enjoy it, and it only happens once a year. (30+ people here - like trying to sip from a firehose). Sorry, no practical tips, other than finding restroom time, even though nature hasn't called.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

How does it compare to listen to advice on social skills, friendships, etc. in-person from familliar people/family versus receiving advice in print / in videos from people we've never met?

My parents have given me advice, like saving money for the future, that I have read in personal finance books.

I was told by my friends that I was being very rigid, what I also learned by making directive courses and reading about autism.

Knowledge comes in a lot of different shapes. Books, tutorials, friendly advice, enemies... People who want to learn can do it from almost every source. Even reflecting alone.

On the other hand, I see a lot of people claiming they want advice or help, when they just want to be told that they are already ok, are already worth, and whatever they think is correct. Most people dont want to learn, they want likes. They want to be loved, admired. They want to feel they are important.

So when I look for knowledge, I ask whatever source that has that knowledge. Family, friends, tutorials...

 

[MROSS]

@MROSS

I think your communication style here is unique here (or maybe I've just never noticed anyone else using it). And you ask "impossible questions", but quite focused, so I can imagine you're getting answers you can use.

Is this how you normally think and communicate? Do you have a broader/strategic objective you can share?

OOOKAYYY - I've been told I'm a hard person to understand - yet I feel it must be asked, "what is meant by asking 'impossible questions?'"

Simply put, it's common knowledge that even people on the Autism Spectrum e.g., Aspergers can be difficult to understand. Personally, a speech & laguage disorder knwon as, 'Wrenicke's Aphasia' is a factor. Overcompensation may also play roles.

I was told in middle-school in the 1970s (long before the Autism Spectrum was understood) that I have a novel way of viewing the world.

To best answer if this is how I normally think and communicate? I mostly communicate via writing, yet very-little of actual face-to-face social interaction (hence, why I've posted in the 'Autism Forums' forum on social skills.)

I've been told my communications styles are intellectual, and novel, and yes sometimes lofty - yet I'm most often practical. Hence, my writing and communicative styles ( I feel my styles are not as rare as one would think).

As for broader broader/strategic objectives, the best answer is to raise awareness of a hard to understand part of the Autism Spectrum - not quite being disabled enough, yet not quite able (neuro-typical like) enough either!

RELATED: I'm told that my style of art is 'Experimental Minimalist' (my Autism Forums photo is one example) - a style known to be applied by artists with introspective personalities (introspective personalities are not necessarily a result of the Autism Spectrum). There are many online examples of images of 'Experimental Minimalist' styles.

 

[Shamar]

If strengths include small talk with familliar people (everybody on a first-name basis) in familliar places, that is a strength which can prove helpful. Anybody feel that osmosis via observing people is helpful?

I have spent many hours sitting around watching people. I see how they do it. Can I do it? Nope. The brain paralysis the occurs when I try is so far insurmountable. Add to that my inability to understand facial expression and body language, plus my inability to breathe in these situations, I come across as a mentally damaged pervert.

 

[Neri]

All my family are neurodivergent so they aren't that helpful. I guess some are more than other's, my daughters have done ok with having friends.
I've always watched movies, read books, and bonded with others over artistic practise, and with my partner, parenting (our son's brought us together). Also cannabis has helped me get over my social "stuckness" . I got to the point where I could hardly talk at all, and I was a homeless teen, so survival required that I learn to talk to people. So I smoked weed and it helped a lot.

 

[MROSS]

Thank-you for taking the time to post during holiday activities.

The discussion-thread in the 'Visual Arts Forum,' 'Can Arts Programs "Break the Ice" in Meeting New People?' includes important points on social skills, and social situations:

https://www.autismforums.com/threads/can-arts-programs-break-the-ice-in-meeting-new-people.46398/

 

[MROSS]

The one source of perspectives on social skills I find intersting, and plausible came via (sleep) dreams. Dreams that involve active participation (first person perspectives) are very rare.

The common thread from a couple of dreams I dreamt long ago had these common threads:

a.) Seemingly simple miscommuncation/miscunderstandings abruptly and quietly ended a get together with acquaintences - in the dream I was in a unfamilliar place.

b.) In another dream, I was with a few people. In the group, was a person with that sense of humour. This person made a funny gesture, we all laughed - yet I had told a joke in response to this person's humour. The respone from one of the people was that polite sarcasm in being asked, "does your sense of humour affect your social life?"

c.) In a dream which may be related to the people in dream 'b.)' : I was sitting in a booth with three other people sharing pizza. The eatery was heavily decorated with rough-wood paneling - the booth where we were eating felt like sitting in an open-ended crate (I usually avoid booths - as booths can feel too cramped).

We were speaking and laughing at a reasonable tone (not too loud for the setting) - yet our server was approaching the table, and I could sense they were irritated (I instinctively felt that our server had pegged me personally - yet that was not the case). Being at a table, where patrons were provided markers on a paper-set table to draw, our server snapped-at us, picked-up a marker, and abrptly placed it on the table, and said, "please quietly write-out your thoughts on the markers and paper we've provided!"

* The take-away from these dreams: The concerns, and challeges of communications might yield that 'once bitten, twice shy' sentiment. Another concern is taking the advice too seriously of 'choosing your friends carefully.'

* "No, these dreams did not directly relate to specifc real-life situations."

* Any important dreams on social interaction?

 

[MROSS]

The one source of perspectives on social skills I find intersting, and plausible came via (sleep) dreams. Dreams that involve active participation (first person perspectives) are very rare.

The common thread from a couple of dreams I dreamt long ago had these common threads:

a.) Seemingly simple miscommuncation/miscunderstandings abruptly and quietly ended a get together with acquaintences - in the dream I was in a unfamilliar place.

b.) In another dream, I was with a few people. In the group, was a person with that sense of humour. This person made a funny gesture, we all laughed - yet I had told a joke in response to this person's humour. The respone from one of the people was that polite sarcasm in being asked, "does your sense of humour affect your social life?"

c.) In a dream which may be related to the people in dream 'b.)' : I was sitting in a booth with three other people sharing pizza. The eatery was heavily decorated with rough-wood paneling - the booth where we were eating felt like sitting in an open-ended crate (I usually avoid booths - as booths can feel too cramped).

We were speaking and laughing at a reasonable tone (not too loud for the setting) - yet our server was approaching the table, and I could sense they were irritated (I instinctively felt that our server had pegged me personally - yet that was not the case). Being at a table, where patrons were provided markers on a paper-set table to draw, our server snapped-at us, picked-up a marker, and abrptly placed it on the table, and said, "please quietly write-out your thoughts on the markers and paper we've provided!"

* The take-away from these dreams: The concerns, and challeges of communications might yield that 'once bitten, twice shy' sentiment. Another concern is taking the advice too seriously of 'choosing your friends carefully.'

* "No, these dreams did not directly relate to specifc real-life situations."

* Any important dreams on social interaction?

ADDENDUM: From dream desribed in dream 'c.' - I may have felt that regretful feeling as our server in the pizza eatery brought our supposely noisy conduct to our group's attention - my feeling "why am I hanging-out with these goofy people?"

* Another takeaway: I might experience those notable dreams of active social participation if I actually experience real-life experiences - provided I avoid people who are living proof of dream examples 'a.,' 'b.,' and 'c'.