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Advice please

GreenerGal

GreenerGal

Active Member
I'm new to the group and have been reading post after post and finding some amazing information, thank you!
I'm over 50, with severe anxiety from PTSD. My quirks are all very similar to Asperger's but I've been tested 3 times and they always come back with the same diagnosis - severe anxiety from PTSD.
I've always dated men on the spectrum, it's much more comfortable for me. I'm going to generalize, forgive me, but I love the intelligence, all the silly quirks, etc it's just my comfort zone.
My BF of almost 2 years was diagnosed with ADD when he was very young but I'd bet money on him being on the spectrum.
I know I'm asking a lot from you guys and please be as blunt as you need to: I was sexually assaulted in January. It took me a month to share it with my guy. I was afraid he'd bail but of course he didn't he was very supportive WHEN I TOLD HIM. But since then he never asks how I'm doing it if I need anything to help with this. Before the assault that was fine, not asking how my day went, etc is not part of his communication. But now it's bothering the holy hell out of me! I'm short tempered, argumentative, reading stuff into every text he says, suddenly I'm not trusting. He usually replies that he knows I'm anxious and that we're fine. And that does help. But the next day or hours later I'm back to bring an an anxious witch.
Good lord, how do I stop this before I drive him away?
He's in his late 30s and this is his first real relationship, he's tried before but they didn't work out. I feel like I'm failing him!
 
Im sorry you were assaulted, that should never have happened to you. Something that traumatic really requires professional counseling for you to heal.
Without meaning too, you may be putting too much pressure on BF to be there for you in ways he can't. He may also need counseling because having someone he loves, you, being hurt would be very hard for him to deal with.
 
I'm so sorry this happened to you. And added to the trauma you have already experienced too. For NTs or NDs who have been through this, getting professional support would be important, to manage to process this. And partners may also need support, as @Fino said.

I think of it as spreading the load; being in a loving relationship doesn't mean we can support our partner adequately with everything they are up against. It means we love them, and they love us. That's a terrific thing, a wonderful base to have, but we still need experts and other helpers. That's maybe harder to hear for those of us who are less social or prefer a smaller network. Another help might be a friend or family member to confide in? Someone you know and trust.
 
Well, since you know how he is, can you make a list of things you want him to do for you, and let him know beforehand why you are making this list? Sometimes, it takes awhile to find (good) therapist(s) that you both work well with.
 
paloftoon said:
Well, since you know how he is, can you make a list of things you want him to do for you, and let him know beforehand why you are making this list? Sometimes, it takes awhile to find (good) therapist(s) that you both work well with.
Click to expand...

I would like to add to this that if he is not okay with making you this kind of list, you have to be able to accept that as an answer too. If he says no, then you could tell him your concerns that you feel left out too much and that these things don't come naturally to you. And that you didn't care before because of past events but that now you do. It's also important you model the same behavior you crave if you aren't already doing so.

It's okay for him to want to follow such a list. In fact, now that I think about it, as you are making the list, also state that the list is changeable and that he is allowed to agree and compromise with you on it. This may not be completely organic or even a normal flow of activity, but if both of you are okay with it, then none of that other stuff matters because you and he are the only ones who really make the "rules."
 
So very sorry you were assaulted. As others have said therapy is something you have to do to get through this.
 
Just wanted to give you all a huge Thank You for your answers. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and he has one Friday. We're taking a break, which is killing me but I know we both need it, especially him.
He said the most aspie romantic thing EVER! "I'd rather be with you than by myself". Now, to an NT that does NOT sound like much of a compliment but coming from my guy it's the sweetest sentiment. I know how much he values his alone time. He's made it very clear he's still very much in love with me and I am still very much in love with him I just hope that we can work through this.
Send positive thoughts our way, this is probably going to be a rough couple of months.
You guys ROCK!
 
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