Advice Please

[StormtrooperDeadeye]

To put it rather bluntly, I have great trouble keeping friends. I have only had one friendship last, that person I met online 9 and a half years ago. We now talk via text, not ingame. Other then that, I haven't had a friendship last longer then a month. I only chat online, specifically when I am playing games. Everything will be going fine, then bam, out of the blue, they get ticked off at me.

I have zero social skills, I am unable to interpret social cues, and I can't interpret other people's emotions.

So, when people burn bridges with me, I don't understand that they are angry at me until they hit boiling point. At that point, I try to ask what I've done, or why they're angry. And they think I am playing dumb when I ask them this stuff... And if I mention I am an aspie and that I have trouble with this stuff, they say I am pulling the "Autism Card" and that I shouldn't make excuses.... Then at that point I am promptly blocked.

So, before all this happens, I just try to be a good friend, I go out of my way to help them in games, or I offer to let them talk to me and vent when things go wrong for them, which they usually take up the offer. I'll admit, I tend to rant/talk alot about topics that interest me, and I never know when I've spoken too much, which makes it so I constantly get worried if the other person is mad at me. And I don't go out of my way to talk to my friends, I will occasionally from time to time message a friend and ask if they want to play, but other then that, I am not nagging or being clingy, I try to be distant so I never get viewed as clingy. I guess my problem is that I just don't know when to shut up.

What sucks is that when I meet a person online, and we seem to get along, in the back of my mind, I wonder how many weeks the friendship will last, and how soon their irritation towards me will start.

Besides this, people tend to get offended by me because of my very monotone voice, since people can't tell if I am joking with them or insulting them because of my monotone voice. And instead of asking for clarification, they simply assume I insulted them, and they just start swinging. In addition, people will frequently think I am being confrontational or challenging them because I will always ask stuff like "Can't tell if that is sarcasm or you're being serious" or "Can't tell if you are angry at me or its just your tone."

Despite all these flaws of mine that push people away, my friend that I have been friends with for 9 and a half years is extremely patient with me and doesn't get phased by how I act, he also has never gotten angry at me.

So because of the mystery that is how I managed to push away everybody I meet, but still managed to maintain and keep an incredibly long term friendship; I wonder how I can stop pushing people away and acquire more awesome friends like the one I currently have.

Though one thing I forgot to note is that I have a rough time meeting people because all of the "Friends" I get don't treat me like an equal person, I just put up with bad treatment in the hopes they will turn into a good friend. My long term friend is not like the others I encounter, that person has always been an awesome friend.

So, finally my question... How do I acquire legitimate friends that will remain friends for more then just a few weeks, despite my lack of social skills, social cues and stuff. Since when I mention to people I am an aspie, they treat me worse, not more understanding.

Sorry for the wall of words...

 

[Kari_Cookie]

Hello, welcome to the forum! From my opinion, the friend you know for 9.5 years sounds like a real friend. I can’t give you any specific suggestions but wish you all the best.

 

[Fino]

I don't have a whole lot, and it might be silly and not actually matter, but to me, "can't tell if..." would be better if it included the subject, "I can't tell if," or even better if, "Sorry, but I can't tell if," or even better, "I'm sorry, but I can't tell if," or "Sorry, but I'm not sure if..."

I don't know if that's a personal thing or something that actually matters.

 

[SusanLR]

I can't offer advice either.
I've had so few people I connect with I don't know if I even really know the true meaning of friend.
Guess I've just learned to accept it.
I wish you good luck though.
And welcome here. I enjoy chatting on-line.

 

[Pats]

Hi Stormtrooper. Your 9 year friend sounds great - that's rare and valuable. As for the others, I don't think talking TOO much would actually cause someone to dislike you, so it's probably not how much you say but what you've said. Our honesty gets us in trouble often and sometimes we offend others without realizing it. If you meet someone you think you could be friends with, tell them up front that due to your asd, sometimes you might say the wrong thing or it's taken wrong and would they, please, let you know if that happens so you can try to correct it.

I used to tell people I worked with that I'm not at all observant and will not notice if they get really busy so they would need to let me know if they ever get real busy and need my help. If they don't tell me, then it's on them and I can't do anything about it. I do not pay attention to what other people are doing because I'm usually doing my own thing.

Can you tell they are getting frustrated with you before they reach that boiling point? If so, that's when you need to ask what you're doing that seems to be bothering them. That let's them know you care and will make an effort in the friendship and the rest is up to them. You can't make them be honest with you and many people just aren't and won't tell you outright what you've done that they don't like. I don't understand why they won't, but from my experience, they just won't. Maybe it's that "Well, if you don't know I'm not going to tell you" thing. It may be obvious to them, but we're left in the dark.

 

[stewdog80]

I know people that are NT or more NT leaning and only have a few friends. They are perfectly happy. Sometimes "friends" can do more damage than good. I have had some of my most trusted friends put me in very bad situations. As people with AS or in my case, suspected AS, we tend to think somebody is our friend when in reality, that person isn't a friend at all. At least I know I used to have a problem with this. You will learn how to tell if someone is friend material with time. I have a flat expression and am not informed on some social cues but I will learn these cues and you will, too. As AS people, we have been ridiculed and treated inhumanely for years and years. We are wounded, and every insult or misunderstanding is very painful whereas "NT" people will just laugh it off. I was much more socially inept years ago than I am now. You will learn how to understand people better and how to respond to social cues.

 

[tducey]

I have more acquaintances than friends, to me to make a friend you have to be a friend. Find someone with a common interest as you do and go from there.

 

[paloftoon]

Since your social inferencing is extremely weak, I think your best bet is to try to meet people in-person and be open with your inconsistencies at the very beginning 1-1 with the person. Ask them to be direct with you and give you a chance to correct yourself but tell them that you don't expect that as it is natural to not ask such things and that it is up to you to try to figure these inconsistencies out. You can mention briefly that your past social history and confusion has prompted you to be more open about this up-front.

People may be able to read you more properly in-person. Things that they can't see online because maybe things that you do online will actually be offensive, but in-person, people can see non-verbal gestures and appearances that you can't get online.

 

[GadAbout]

I believe you would benefit from a social skills training group at a psychotherapy clinic. If you have now or have had in the past a therapist, ask if they can direct you to something like this. Other group members will give you honest feedback about how they experience you, but there will be a trained therapist to make sure nobody's feelings are too badly hurt.

Another suggestion I have seen people make is "join Toastmasters" but I have to admit that suggestion gives me terror, whereas a therapy group would be more my own cup of tea.

The truth is you probably do things that annoy other people - as that is common among autistic folks. You mentioned talking too long. Well I've been on the receiving end of that, and if social contact is aversive to aspies, listening to someone talk too long about a boring (to us) topic is sheer torture. And you can't make it the listener's job to let you know. They will let you know by ending the friendship! It also seems rude to them that you barely let them get a word in edgewise, it seems to convey that you don't value their opinion. So, this is just one simple example of a skill you can improve with practice and guidance.