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affection vicariously

PATILYN

Active Member
I couldn't find the right title to describe my question. I had a situation during the last week that included me telling my aspie guy via text that he is my favorite man in the whole world. Hmmm ... no response ... maybe some slight nervousness from him in a follow up via the internet .... no recognition really of what I said other than "that's nice". LOL ... However, later this weekend, I posted some photos of my special needs grandson ... and I got a "heart" response on all the photos. Has anyone else had this experience ... that ... it is easier to send the feelings for their loved ones vicariously ... through some other medium ... a child, an animal or such? I recall reading someplace that one woman's significant other would tell her through the pets how he felt about her. thanks everyone
 
I don't sense any vicariousness in this instance. If anything, perhaps an expression of his level of comfort- or lack thereof.

That he is quick to positively respond to something or someone that doesn't directly impact him as opposed to whatever he perceives his relationship to you. Which appears to be uncertain on his part.
 
to whatever he perceives his relationship to you. Which appears to be uncertain on his part.

Fair enough ... he did tell me that the message was sweet and cheered him up. I have found he has an easier time being loving towards my pets and my little one ... than necessarily "me". He has told me he has trouble expressing his feelings. I sometimes get the sense as you say that this is safer ... and perhaps because he is uncertain of where we stand??? Is that what you mean?
 
Fair enough ... he did tell me that the message was sweet and cheered him up. I have found he has an easier time being loving towards my pets and my little one ... than necessarily "me". He has told me he has trouble expressing his feelings. I sometimes get the sense as you say that this is safer ... and perhaps because he is uncertain of where we stand??? Is that what you mean?

In our world, attempting to elaborate more about something verbally in real time is more likely to get us into difficulties. A dynamic that tends to make us more defensive where the fewer words said, the better.

Then factor in precisely what he has said to you, and to take them in the most literal manner. That:

1. He has trouble expressing his feelings.
2. That he's uncertain of the relationship at this time.

No more, but also no less.

On a side note, many of us more easily relate to pets than people. And some of us also relate to children far better than adults. Childrens and our pets are far easier to read to most people on the spectrum in comparison with Neurotypical adults. Especially when it comes to unconditional love. For many of us, complex relationships with other adults are anything but unconditional. More like an "emotional" dance through a minefield.

Though I should also add that the whole notion of using either pets or children to vicariously relate to someone else makes no sense to me personally.
 
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More like an "emotional" dance through a minefield.

Is it uncomfortable hearing what a woman feels ... or the sense that something is required and not knowing what it is that is required that makes it an emotional minefield??? I guess I get a lot of his feelings for me through his actions ... that another member has explained to me is a different language ... one that I am learning about and starting to listen for ... but in my NT world these expressions of love for him just pop out of me ... but I can keep quiet if it creates anxiety. Only he can say for sure ... but at least I know he feels it was sweet and made him happier. And at least it wasn't unwelcome ... but maybe caused some confusion or anxiety????
 
Is it uncomfortable hearing what a woman feels ... or the sense that something is required and not knowing what it is that is required that makes it an emotional minefield???

It's likely uncomfortable for him purely out of a sense of being uncertain of it all. That under such circumstances the more you say, the more uncomfortable he may become.

You have to let him process it all at his own pace rather than your own.
 
Not sure if this is exactly what you meant, but when I proposed to my wife, I tied the engagement ring to Sunshine, her dog, then picked up Sunshine and handed Sunshine to her. My wife thought I was being weird for a few seconds, but then she noticed the ring...

By the way, Sunshine is now "our" dog. Here she is:
SunshineSmall.jpg
 
Not sure if this is exactly what you meant

YES .... so exactly what I meant and was talking about .... using a medium that is meaningful and loved to/by the one you love ... or ... slightly different, but similar, I was wondering if by showing "love" to the things your beloved loves ... it safely, from a distance, demonstrates your own desire to be inclusive in the loving relationship ... I would imagine it would somehow feel safer to show love to the pet and/or child ... than to say the words ...

And in your case ... it was beyond endearing to use your wife's beloved (and very very cute) pet to demonstrate your heart's desire.
 
I couldn't find the right title to describe my question. I had a situation during the last week that included me telling my aspie guy via text that he is my favorite man in the whole world. Hmmm ... no response ... maybe some slight nervousness from him in a follow up via the internet .... no recognition really of what I said other than "that's nice". LOL ... However, later this weekend, I posted some photos of my special needs grandson ... and I got a "heart" response on all the photos. Has anyone else had this experience ... that ... it is easier to send the feelings for their loved ones vicariously ... through some other medium ... a child, an animal or such? I recall reading someplace that one woman's significant other would tell her through the pets how he felt about her. thanks everyone
My bf seems to feel uncomfortable with receiving compliments. As someone who is very highly verbal, I feel the urge to say outloud how I feel. When I text something that is maybe too effusive, I’ll get an “I see” or “right”. Lol.
 

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