After 6 weeks of dating Moe, I'm starting to get weirded out

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

I'm North American, I'm dating an Eastern European. We met on a dating site. I'm the Aspie and he has no clue.
I've been nervous of him from the beginning and I think I'm typically like that with anyone I date, though I haven't dated too many since my marriage broke up 5 years ago.
When he and I are together, especially in his apartment, I'm much more relaxed, but we have gone out for dinner and I'm able to handle it.
He's very intense and he's got a lot of emotional baggage from a failed 30 year marriage, plus he's currently out of work. I would be a crazy wreck if I never knew when my next contract job would come up.
We have so many bloody misunderstandings over texting, which is probably my fault because I get freaked out too quickly but he's also very paranoid and has a persecution complex (from his toxic marriage? Extremely jealous insecure women he's dated?)
On the plus side (yes, of COURSE there's a plus side LOL), he's sexy, the only guy I've dated who's made me breakfast (even getting up with me at 6:00 in the morning so I would be fed) before I had to head out for work, and works tirelessly to please me in every way while I'm at his apartment.
The gist of my post here is that I don't know if my own Aspie difficulties are what's making this relationship so hard or if he and I just are incompatible.
We're both middle aged, 'damaged goods' (haha), and just looking for companionship - someone to enjoy some time with and hopefully want to move in with down the road.
HOW DO YOU KNOW if it's time to move on??? When you're an Aspie, things are much more complicated - am I reading the situation right? has my response to his text been appropriate or was it irritating? Am I expecting everything to go my way? Should I be ok driving up to his place on a week night for an evening of intimate fun, lovely dinner but then be told (in as nice a way as possible) that it's time for me to go home?
He's the one who has initiated calling me his woman. I feel like I haven't been giving him enough credit for the meaningful things he has done.
H.E.L.P.

 

[Mia]

He sounds wonderful and you sound happy and there's always a but, please be careful. You don't know him all that well enough. Give it more time before you decide anything.

Personally I would stay in a relationship if I was pleased with the way it was. There are a few things that would make me decide to end it. Some of them would be substance abuse of some sort or the person seeing other people and not telling me, or if I suspected them of some sort of criminal activity. Then I would end it. Any sort of physical or psychological abuse or control would be a red flag obviously.

I've usually gone with my 'gut' in these situations. If for example I was continually nervous around the person, never at ease I would want to understand why. And would attempt to find out why I was anxious around them. The body rarely lies, you often have physical reactions to people before your mind puts the puzzle pieces together.

 

[Tom]

I'm North American, I'm dating an Eastern European. We met on a dating site. I'm the Aspie and he has no clue.
I've been nervous of him from the beginning and I think I'm typically like that with anyone I date, though I haven't dated too many since my marriage broke up 5 years ago.
When he and I are together, especially in his apartment, I'm much more relaxed, but we have gone out for dinner and I'm able to handle it.
He's very intense and he's got a lot of emotional baggage from a failed 30 year marriage, plus he's currently out of work. I would be a crazy wreck if I never knew when my next contract job would come up.
We have so many bloody misunderstandings over texting, which is probably my fault because I get freaked out too quickly but he's also very paranoid and has a persecution complex (from his toxic marriage? Extremely jealous insecure women he's dated?)
On the plus side (yes, of COURSE there's a plus side LOL), he's sexy, the only guy I've dated who's made me breakfast (even getting up with me at 6:00 in the morning so I would be fed) before I had to head out for work, and works tirelessly to please me in every way while I'm at his apartment.
The gist of my post here is that I don't know if my own Aspie difficulties are what's making this relationship so hard or if he and I just are incompatible.
We're both middle aged, 'damaged goods' (haha), and just looking for companionship - someone to enjoy some time with and hopefully want to move in with down the road.
HOW DO YOU KNOW if it's time to move on??? When you're an Aspie, things are much more complicated - am I reading the situation right? has my response to his text been appropriate or was it irritating? Am I expecting everything to go my way? Should I be ok driving up to his place on a week night for an evening of intimate fun, lovely dinner but then be told (in as nice a way as possible) that it's time for me to go home?
He's the one who has initiated calling me his woman. I feel like I haven't been giving him enough credit for the meaningful things he has done.
H.E.L.P.

I don't like the 'time for you to go home ' part. If it's love you don't want to be parted. And its not like he has to get up early for work. Maybe you aren't looking for love. I am just making observation.

 

[Bellacat]

Communication is essential in a healthy, stable relationship. It's totally natural to be nervous when first meeting someone but that should go away quickly as you get to know them, if they're a good fit for you.

You should be able to talk openly about those aspie difficulties too, and work through any of those challenges or miscommunications together as a team. If this person is to be your partner in life, they should make you feel safe and comfortable, not stressed and confused.

One of the best pieces of relationship advice I was ever given is to remember that when you are first dating someone, they are probably putting effort into making a good impression with you. That effort wears off over time as you both get more comfortable with each other, and you will finally meet them for real later. Any experiences that make you uncomfortable early on in the relationship are a good warning that this person is probably not right for you, because you haven't seen the worst sides of them yet.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Sexiness and working tirelessly to please someone are things that gradually pass with time.

His emotional baggage, paranoia and persecution complex are things which might be somewhat workable at the moment whilst the happy time of an early relationship is here, but are these suitable characteristics for a partner to have in a long term relationship.

Ed

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

Thank you for the very insightful feedback. This is probably a good time for me to have the 'Aspie' talk with him.
I was going to give this joyride 3 months max.
I think 'Moe' is a stress-bag and could really use some meditation/therapy to work on some issues.
I've been trying to approach the relationship on a non-attachment (Buddhism concept) basis but that went south last week because I'm not that good at the practice yet and he freaked me out over a miscommunication.

 

[Raggamuffin]

A relationship is supposed to help find a balance in life. We all have issues - but your partner should be there to help with them and vice versa. If we're with someone who is incompatible, yes there will be positives - as with any relationship or person in general. But rather than helping you develop and better yourself, they'll likely be adding more problems to your life.

I dated clingy, possessive and jealous types as well as people who had a host of other issues. I think with people of emotional extremes the good times are intense, but the bad times as just as intense and this can really bring about a lot of additional worries and anxieties into your life.

3 months sounds like a reasonable time limit I suppose. A word of advice, should this end and you wind up being single - next time give 3 months to get to know someone you like. Fancying someone tends to cloud judgement as we're reacting to people impulsively and often seeing only the good side they project - the display model. When you spend a prolonged period speaking regularly with people you'll see if they're a good fit.

I used this approach and it did mean there was a prolonged period of being single. People came into life I fancied, some I was convinced they were "the one" but after months of talking to them I realised actually they weren't even remotely compatible. Human's are drawn to what's new and novel. Funny thing is, things can come along when you least expect it, or when you're not even looking.

Honestly though, clingy people are troublesome. They're scared of someone leaving them, but their behaviour often ends up pushing people away. Not to say there can't be some positives - feeling wanted and cared for and important is a lovely feeling, but this shouldn't come at a cost. You don't want to end up in a relationship which feels like you're being kept eyes on all the time and lack the real freedom that you, and everyone deserves to have.

Ed

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

A relationship is supposed to help find a balance in life. We all have issues - but your partner should be there to help with them and vice versa. If we're with someone who is incompatible, yes there will be positives - as with any relationship or person in general. But rather than helping you develop and better yourself, they'll likely be adding more problems to your life.

I dated clingy, possessive and jealous types as well as people who had a host of other issues. I think with people of emotional extremes the good times are intense, but the bad times as just as intense and this can really bring about a lot of additional worries and anxieties into your life.

3 months sounds like a reasonable time limit I suppose. A word of advice, should this end and you wind up being single - next time give 3 months to get to know someone you like. Fancying someone tends to cloud judgement as we're reacting to people impulsively and often seeing only the good side they project - the display model. When you spend a prolonged period speaking regularly with people you'll see if they're a good fit.

I used this approach and it did mean there was a prolonged period of being single. People came into life I fancied, some I was convinced they were "the one" but after months of talking to them I realised actually they weren't even remotely compatible. Human's are drawn to what's new and novel. Funny thing is, things can come along when you least expect it, or when you're not even looking.

Honestly though, clingy people are troublesome. They're scared of someone leaving them, but their behaviour often ends up pushing people away. Not to say there can't be some positives - feeling wanted and cared for and important is a lovely feeling, but this shouldn't come at a cost. You don't want to end up in a relationship which feels like you're being kept eyes on all the time and lack the real freedom that you, and everyone deserves to have.

Ed

Am I coming across as clingy? Because he is telling me that I am refreshingly non-clingy.
And...what should I wait 3 months for next time? Intimacy? Not sure what you meant. Sorry. The 3rd or 4th date seems to be reasonable as far as I've read.
Thank you for your input!

 

[Raggamuffin]

My mistake, I assumed he was the clingy one when you said he was paranoid etc. I guess I naturally presumed paranoia leads to jealousy and clinginess etc.

I don't think you need to wait a set period of time for intimacy. I just meant in terms of getting to know someone prior to being with them. I've never been a fan of dating, as it all feels a bit outdated and a few dates isn't enough time to get to know someone as well as talking to them every day for several months prior to anything happening.

I guess everyone's different though. At the end of the day, go with your gut. Or weigh up what is good and works with what is bad and has you feeling doubtful.

I think a lot of people draw out incompatible relationships. Any routine has a comforting nature to it - even one's which aren't healthy.

At the end of the day - you do you. Figure out what feels right, anything that doesn't feel right, discuss with him as openly as you can. See where it takes you.

All the best.

Ed

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

My mistake, I assumed he was the clingy one when you said he was paranoid etc. I guess I naturally presumed paranoia leads to jealousy and clinginess etc.

I don't think you need to wait a set period of time for intimacy. I just meant in terms of getting to know someone prior to being with them. I've never been a fan of dating, as it all feels a bit outdated and a few dates isn't enough time to get to know someone as well as talking to them every day for several months prior to anything happening.

I guess everyone's different though. At the end of the day, go with your gut. Or weigh up what is good and works with what is bad and has you feeling doubtful.

I think a lot of people draw out incompatible relationships. Any routine has a comforting nature to it - even one's which aren't healthy.

At the end of the day - you do you. Figure out what feels right, anything that doesn't feel right, discuss with him as openly as you can. See where it takes you.

All the best.

Ed

He is frustratingly non-clingy as well LOL. I could do with a little more clinginess.

So Ed, if dating is outdated, how are people supposed to get to know each other? I don't think there is a guy on a dating site that would wait 3 months before getting intimate!!! But I could be wrong. Most of them seem to be in a big friggin rush. I feel like I'm being a prude for waiting 3 dates (another LOL).

Dating sucks. I'll give you that.

I will write a short update in a week. By then Moe will either be last week's news (literally) or we'll have found common ground.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I don't know - I just think that talking doesn't need any ceremony or expectation to it. You can talk for free and for as long as you want. A date feels like it's on a timer and has to be pre-prepared. Could be a bit of a scrooge in not wanting to spend/waste money on someone I don't really know at all. To my mind that's a poor return on investment.

My partner feels the same way about dating, which is quite refreshing. It's the same for things like anniversaries or valentine's day - we see them as a complete waste of time and money.

I will buy her gifts or take her out at random. I like to put in the effort, but at really bizarre times, or when I know she's had a particularly hard or stressful day.

I guess my views on dating stem from the fact I rarely go out, and when I do it's usually to specifically get away from people. Nature and the great outdoors is where it's at.

Hope you have a nice week ahead.

Ed

 

[Alexej]

I feel like I'm being a prude for waiting 3 dates (another LOL).

3 dates - that seems short to me, but then again my attitude may be judged as prudish by todays folk; but I can live with that.

 

[tducey]

Give him time and also give him an ear too if he wants to talk about his past relationships. Wishing you all the best.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

I don't know - I just think that talking doesn't need any ceremony or expectation to it. You can talk for free and for as long as you want. A date feels like it's on a timer and has to be pre-prepared. Could be a bit of a scrooge in not wanting to spend/waste money on someone I don't really know at all. To my mind that's a poor return on investment.

My partner feels the same way about dating, which is quite refreshing. It's the same for things like anniversaries or valentine's day - we see them as a complete waste of time and money.

I will buy her gifts or take her out at random. I like to put in the effort, but at really bizarre times, or when I know she's had a particularly hard or stressful day.

I guess my views on dating stem from the fact I rarely go out, and when I do it's usually to specifically get away from people. Nature and the great outdoors is where it's at.

Hope you have a nice week ahead.

Ed

So it sounds like you have things figured out for your life. I like the part about you getting out into nature. Nature is so cleansing and fresh. I love it too. You're lucky you found a partner with your own philosophies. She knows you take care of her, and when it's a surprise it's even better because no one pointed at a calendar and said "You must!".
I feel compelled to add that the gesture of a man paying for dinner is symbolic. He's saying I am ready and willing to take care of you and provide for you. Women REALLY fall for this even though sometimes it ends up being false advertising.
You probably already know this though because I can tell that you're a smart guy.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

My update, 1 week later.
We've called it quits. I was getting really tired of dreading his next texts because I felt like I had to walk a very fine line.
The final straw was that I asked him (on Monday?) to come down to my area and I would treat him to dinner at my favourite Greek restaurant. He had started to complain that it was always him paying for dinners.
We agreed to meet on Thursday, but when I asked him Wednesday what time would work for him, he started playing the avoidance game. He said we should talk in the a.m. To make a long story short, he ended up telling me Thursday afternoon that he didn't have his car (he lends it to his 28 year old daughter ALL the time) and that I should go up to his place. I told him that I didn't think it was right that I did all the driving and no thank you. (Going up to his place would mean he would be expecting sex). I told him that it seemed that he would rather loan his car to his daughter than see me. (If he doesn't have a car...then I have to drive to HIM in order to see him.)
I'm just tired of his games. And playing power games with him. He's admitted he's depressed (but being on Prozac kills his erection, so he refuses).
I'm sad that we're two lonely, 50 something year olds, with some similar interests including of long conversations, that just couldn't get past our baggage (yes, I have some too).
Back to the drawing board.