AHD and Sex, is this typical?

[Lila]

Hello, Question - Is sex a topic that is covered here? I didn't notice any threads. It's about something that happened, or didn't happen, with my Aspergers partner. I am NT. If it's okay then I'll reveal what it is that's puzzling me.

 

[Slim Jim]

Yes, do come in here, reveal all. Don't leave out any details. We can handle it.

Be as graphic as possible....you know, we need to know these things, if we are to offer good advice.

 

[Lila]

Ok, I'm glad I asked first. I'll try to describe this delicately.

My partner has (not officially diagnosed) Asperger's (but a therapist friend with Aspergers is certain). We have mostly been talking on the phone for four months (it's a long distance relationship) getting to know each other and the talks have been great, he's a real conversationalist. We've only seen each other briefly a few times in person though I've known about him for years (he's a friend of a friend).

Last week we had a romantic rendezvous which nearly left me in tears. This was our first overnight visit together. When he arrived he was moody, the prepping and driving to meet each other was an ordeal. He stayed that way during dinner at a restaurant pretty much ignoring me and not talking much. He oddly noticed and made a point to mention his approval about a girl's dress while saying nothing about what I was wearing which I put some thought into.

The moment that took the cake was his neglecting to say a single word about my appearance later in a private moment. I'd told him how nervous I was about this get together, I'm not young and told him his brutal honestly could backfire in a moment like that. Instead he said nothing.

Not.
A.
Word.

The next day he blurted out the cost of the dinner and implied I should pay half - a dinner he made a real fuss about. He wanted to take me to a "really nice dinner", he said that about three times. I was flabbergasted thinking of all this on the way home and I couldn't talk to him for a couple of days. When I finally did I was really upset. He was surprised. He didn't have a reason for not expressing himself, something he never has a problem with. He usually over expresses himself. He didn't even remember my earlier comment about being brutally honest. Now he's going overboard telling me how beautiful I am. It's a little too late. I'm speaking to him but I'm still hurt and resentful. This trip was not a good memory, I'll always think of the lack of words whenever that night pops into my mind.

Sorry to be negative. Is this typical? If so I'll have to tell my partner what to tell me from now on which seems a little rehearsed and forced. I'd love to hear some thoughts and reactions to this.

 

[Rasputin]

Ok, I'm glad I asked first. I'll try to describe this delicately.

My partner has (not officially diagnosed) Asperger's (but a therapist friend with Aspergers is certain). We have mostly been talking on the phone for four months (it's a long distance relationship) getting to know each other and the talks have been great, he's a real conversationalist. We've only seen each other briefly a few times in person though I've known about him for years (he's a friend of a friend).

Last week we had a romantic rendezvous which nearly left me in tears. This was our first overnight visit together. When he arrived he was moody, the prepping and driving to meet each other was an ordeal. He stayed that way during dinner at a restaurant pretty much ignoring me and not talking much. He oddly noticed and made a point to mention his approval about a girl's dress while saying nothing about what I was wearing which I put some thought into.

The moment that took the cake was his neglecting to say a single word about my appearance later in a private moment. I'd told him how nervous I was about this get together, I'm not young and told him his brutal honestly could backfire in a moment like that. Instead he said nothing.

Not.
A.
Word.

The next day he blurted out the cost of the dinner and implied I should pay half - a dinner he made a real fuss about. He wanted to take me to a "really nice dinner", he said that about three times. I was flabbergasted thinking of all this on the way home and I couldn't talk to him for a couple of days. When I finally did I was really upset. He was surprised. He didn't have a reason for not expressing himself, something he never has a problem with. He usually over expresses himself. He didn't even remember my earlier comment about being brutally honest. Now he's going overboard telling me how beautiful I am. It's a little too late. I'm speaking to him but I'm still hurt and resentful. This trip was not a good memory, I'll always think of the lack of words whenever that night pops into my mind.

Sorry to be negative. Is this typical? If so I'll have to tell my partner what to tell me from now on which seems a little rehearsed and forced. I'd love to hear some thoughts and reactions to this.

Your partner sounds inexperienced in dating, and consumed with anxiety. Over the phone there is less pressure, and he is able to converse normally. He also sounds like he could not afford the expensive meal, and was probably fixated on the cost of the meal rather than you. Now he is trying to mask his Aspergers traits by complimenting your appearance.

In a nutshell you and he do no sound compatible. He is not likely to change, and you will become frustrated trying to make him change.

 

[Lila]

Thanks for your answer. He picked out the restaurant, he saw the menu. He was excited about taking me out to dinner. He is not a young man, he was married for many years, has children and he's dated a bunch. The anxiety is correct. If something's not perfect he'll dwell on it (driving through sketchy part of town to get to great hotel). He mentioned that later.

He's denying he has Aspergers and probably won't get diagnosed.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Without getting too technical with medical jargon,...the short answer to all of this is likely anxiety,...as @Rasputin suggested.

Here's the explanation: Anxiety is the "cousin" of fear. Fear is processed in the area of the brain called the amygdala,...we have one on the right and the left hemisphere of the brain,...this nasty little remnant of our "cave man" past when we had to run away from predators in the wild. When thoughts are being processed through the amygdala, it bypasses the areas of the brain responsible for logic and reasoning. It's extremely powerful. What he was likely experiencing was this conflict within himself,...the logic and reasoning centers,...and the amygdala. It turns an otherwise intelligent, well-spoken creature into a bumbling, socially awkward idiot.

BTW, it can also affect emotional responses, voice inflection, controlling behaviors, the ability to speak, blood pressure, heart rate, and yes, his ability to achieve an erection. The amygdala is often physically larger in the brains of autistics,...suggesting, within this context, there's a lot more going on in an autistic brain than a person with a neurotypical brain.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Not just anxiety. Because this was important to him I bet he had a roadmap in his mind that reality did not match. Rather than extemporizing it seems to me that he fixated on the ways things, to him, went off the rails.

My first romantic interlude with my spouse and my mind almost sabotaged me. A virgin at 28, I always had problems opening up to women and being vulnerable to let them past my physical and emotional boundaries. We met in an unusual way. We carpooled to a trail maintenance trip in Great Smoky Mountains National Park. I was fossil collecting in Illinois and she was in Chicago. I got her name from the trip leader and it was the first time I ever called a woman I hadn't known. Over several months we talked frequently about gear and training and were becoming friends. Finally we met and had 4 days before meeting the rest of the group. I liked her personality, values and interests as we had adventures together. That fourth day at Cades Cove, and i was falling in love with her and I thought she enjoyed being with me.

Because of circumstance we were sharing my tent, she in her sleeping bag, me in mine. I wanted so avidly to show her just how enamored I was of her and even with a lot of anxiety I asked her if she would like to make love with me. I was still a bit frightened and did not hear her response, assuming it was a no. I was inwardly panicking and went nattering on about how this would change our friendship (it certainly did). She talked and calmed me down and made it clear that she assented in the nicest possible way and wanted me as a lover. This was the first time a woman accepted me sexually and we enjoyed each other through the night. With what I already liked about her I was not going to let her get away and we married a year later on the day we first met. We continued our adventures since and our honeymoon was a backpack into the Never Summer range in Rocky Mountain National Park with a final night in the Stanley Hotel. 44 years later we still share adventures and experiences.

What surprised me since was learning from her that she felt used by men as she was hoping for a connection and a relationship. She related that I was the first man who cared about her sexual pleasure and did not just drop her afterward. And, all this even as I was so very inexperienced.

 

[Raggamuffin]

"the prepping and driving to meet each other was an ordeal"

This sticks out for me. I've had my fair share of long distance relationships. Some left me with panic attacks lasting many hours whilst driving to of from their homes.

If the prep and drive had him flustered, this could lead to him being very introvert or quiet afterwards. Also, is he a big fan of eating out?

I get a lot of stress based symptoms, and these used to be very bad in crowded or public places. I'd often shut down, be extremely quiet and withdrawn. Simply trying my hardest not to run out of the room and wanting to fleet home.

Did you both talk about the meet? You said you were very nervous. As others have said, it's likely he was too. Might sound harsh, but anxious people aren't good company. I know that, as I've seen how people react to me when I'm experiencing high anxiety. It's a hard thing to say - but mental health struggles often put the people around us through the ringer as well.

Whilst it's a bit of a stereotype with regards to some social awkwardness and faux pas, a lot of people on the spectrum can have periods of selective mutism, introversion, or seemingly flying off the handle at random moments - a bit like the whole dinner bill statement.

Ed

 

[Slim Jim]

What surprised me since was learning from her that she felt used by men as she was hoping for a connection and a relationship. She related that I was the first man who cared about her sexual pleasure and did not just drop her afterward. And, all this even as I was so very inexperienced.

Yeah, I think the capacity to feel strong deep emotions, that makes us the most romantic. Or it could be that we just become really obsessive. It could be that.

And if a person gets used, it's because there was no genuine love, nobody cared past a superficial level. Many relationships are like this. I believe what makes us difference is, we genuinely care, because connections are not superficial things to us. The threshold is higher for us. I'm hardwired to develop special interests, that consume me, this seems to be the case with many of us, if not all. And for a person to become a major interest, priority, For me to be interested in a person, to focus on them, I must see in them something, that I don't see in anybody else. Otherwise I just wouldn't care. A lot of us endure much solitude , because of these traits, because of this hardwired pattern of behavior. In the absence of any direct human connection, we retreat into ourselves, our hobbies. Sometimes to such an extent, we don't even want relationships.

Also, is he a big fan of eating out?

Must.. resist.. urge.. to make.. joke...

I get a lot of stress based symptoms, and these used to be very bad in crowded or public places. I'd often shut down, be extremely quiet and withdrawn. Simply trying my hardest not to run out of the room and wanting to fleet home.

And you seem so tough. Yeah stress , experiencing stress, is a interpersonal relationship mood killer.


@Lila, if somebody genuinely cares, they wouldn't act that way. I know Aspergers has a rep for being all wrapped up in themselves, no understanding, consideration, or awareness of others.. anxiety etc. But I think If somebody is truly into you, there should be no doubt in your mind, they display it in their actions,not just words, and you can see it with your own two eyes.