Alexithymia

[Maky]

I'd like to know if anyone has been formally diagnosed with Alexithymia. I think I have it (to some degree), but it's not worth the cost and hassle to get diagnosed. I'd like to hear more about typical emotional experiences from others with it.

Personally, I've had several instances where I had no emotional reaction but could feel my body responding physically. For example, my sister's heart stopped once for 15 minutes, and my parents called to tell me she died. All I could think was how inconvenient that was and how I would deal with a funeral with my tight schedule. At the same time, I felt weak in the legs, and my heart started beating really fast, which didn't register at all like an emotional reaction. Since then, I've had several family members die, including my mother, but I've never felt any emotion.

I've also never felt "love" for friends in my life. They're basically associates with a more mutualistic relationship. Only within the last 15 years have I learned that you're supposed to feel emotions for friends. That only happened because I grew very close to a lemur at a zoo I worked at, and he became my best friend. Otherwise, I could cry about friend stuff when watching tragic movies, but I only recently connected the response films evoke with what I should feel in real life. In fact, I usually use films to feel emotions that I don't feel for people in real life.

However, it's not like I don't feel emotion at all. I "love" on rare occasions, and when I do, it's overwhelming (as in the case with the lemur friend of mine). I also feel negative emotions, like anger and sadness. I feel "joy" sort of... And I can laugh like neurotypicals. Still, it seems that I'm often emotionally disconnected. Is this typical for alexithymia, or does that condition only include people who feel no conscious emotion at all?

 

[SDRSpark]

There's an organization called Embrace ASD that has a ton of resources on their website, including screening tools (with all the caveats that using online screening tools is not the same as a diagnosis of course). They have a big section on alexithymia.

I'm pretty sure I have it to a degree. I have a really difficult time figuring out what I'm feeling (I feel emotions, I just can't identify them) and why. I'm getting better at this, but it takes practice. Many autistic people have alexithymia, but it's also associated with other conditions as well.

I occasionally have what feels like an anxiety attack without any of the associated anxiety. This usually seems to happen out of the blue (and if it weren't for a history of anxiety I wouldn't recognize the physical symptoms). I'm not aware of being emotionally upset, but I have all the physical symptoms.

I've also woken up and thought "I can't tell if I'm depressed, anxious, or just hungry" because all of those things often feel the same to me.

 

[zozie]

This term was used by my assessor to explain how me and my autie kids were dealing with emotions. I've called it "a delay in emotional processing" because I can usually tell how I feel after some time passes.

Mind you, I didn't make this kind of progress until I stopped trying to "piece together how I ought to feel" in any given emotional situation. Before I stopped doing this I gave myself (and everyone else) whiplash with how violently my emotions swung. They didn't really swing; I just intellectualized how I felt in the moment, communicated that, and then communicated something entirely different a few days later -- the actual emotion. And on top of that, one expression can have many different meanings.

Crying, for example, can be from sadness, loneliness, overwhelm, rage, exhaustion, grief, empathy, confusion, etc. For me, in the moment, it feels like I'm "full". That's the only word I have for it in the present.

I took a questionnaire, which I found to be helpful enough. What really matters to me is that I understand how I experience and process emotions. But if it's useful to use the term, I definitely say I have alexithymia.

 

[Booknerd515]

I don't think I have this but often my face will not respond to what emotion I'm feeling and my voice also may not match whatever emotion I'm feeling. I've tried to explain this to my parents and doctors before numerous times but they think it's just anxiety as I've had brain scans done and everything's shown up normal.

When I'm more dissociated from myself it is harder to get an emotional reaction showing in my body language though. Especially in public where I'll often have a mask on and some expect my eyes to show my emotions but often I'll just be hard to read and people will have a difficult time trying to tell how I feel.

I have difficulty telling my emotions apart from one another or which emotion I'm feeling at a moment as sometimes multiple emotions just tend to blur together for me. I have felt a lack of emotion before, sometimes for a while, but that is normally when I'm occupied with something trying to distract myself from thinking about other things though it can last for days beyond that. So when I was younger it happened to me that sometimes I'll just be in a phase where I'm awake and thinking but not really feeling anything emotion wise. Other than that most days I have felt some emotions before.

 

[Alexej]

I am self diagnosed with alexithymia.

Today I got a card from folk at church and they wished that I might feel the presence of God this week.
I have gotten upset by their greeting. I acknowledge that they mean well but it caused a hurt in my heart. It took me a while to work out what I was disturbed by.

I think it is that I don't feel the presence of God in the sense that the folk wished for me, and I am sad at that. There is so much emphasis on feeling that I feel left out.

 

[Aspychata]

l battle the world at times, because l feel too much (sadness if small animals are abused). Or l can't decipher the rabbit hole l fell into until 24 hours later. Then l can identify if something triggered me and l didn't catch it, (related to PTSD). As for feelings for people, l am feeling a lot cooler, because l have really worked with spineless jerk employees and customers with pie-holes for brains. I now realize that being myself gets me absolutely nowhere and l need to be a rock at work. Zero feelings, ignore employees.

 

[Thinx]

l battle the world at times, because l feel too much (sadness if small animals are abused). Or l can't decipher the rabbit hole l fell into until 24 hours later. Then l can identify if something triggered me and l didn't catch it, (related to PTSD). As for feelings for people, l am feeling a lot cooler, because l have really worked with spineless jerk employees and customers with pie-holes for brains. I now realize that being myself gets me absolutely nowhere and l need to be a rock at work. Zero feelings, ignore employees.

I love the way you put this, although I am sorry you are feeling like this. Spineless jerk employees and customers with pie-holes for brains... Brilliant. Sorry it's so tough, you are very expressive.

I am the same, I know what I am feeling a day or two later. It's ok now I ve realised that, and also I seem to have ceased to care much what anyone else says. I used to ruminate on details of conversation, but now I just don't bother. Perhaps it's alexithingy, or maybe it's serenity...

 

[SDRSpark]

Mind you, I didn't make this kind of progress until I stopped trying to "piece together how I ought to feel" in any given emotional situation. Before I stopped doing this I gave myself (and everyone else) whiplash with how violently my emotions swung. They didn't really swing; I just intellectualized how I felt in the moment, communicated that, and then communicated something entirely different a few days later -- the actual emotion. And on top of that, one expression can have many different meanings.

Oh my gosh this sounds so much like me! I can change my mind about how I feel about something dozens of times over the course of many months before I figure it out (if I ever do!)

 

[Maky]

Excellent replies! Thank you very much, everyone, for sharing. It's good to see I'm not alone in that gray area with alexithymia. I know ASD is often associated with disconnects between emotions and conscious perception, but my lack of emotion seems like something above and beyond that.

Unlike some of you, I don't come to understand my emotions at a later date. I feel nothing for most people. Family members are just casual associates that I'm expected to stay in touch with and be nice to, for example. I've felt little inklings of emotion for my father and grandfather at certain points in my life, but those bulbs never grow bright or stay lit for longer than few seconds.

Despite the lack of positive emotions, I feel empathy for people, though I'm not good at conveying it. So thank you for sharing, and I'll continue to follow the thread. I read every reply carefully and thoughtfully.

 

[Progster]

Otherwise, I could cry about friend stuff when watching tragic movies, but I only recently connected the response films evoke with what I should feel in real life. In fact, I usually use films to feel emotions that I don't feel for people in real life.

Yes, I watch a lot of documentaries where people are giving interviews and getting all teary-eyed about some past distant event, or a relative or even a stranger, and I can't relate to this because I never react in that way. I rarely get emotional. Also, films rarely make me feel emotional. That doesn't mean that I don't feel empathy, though. I think that it's awful when bad things happen to others, but I perceive it as an opinion rather than an emotion. I can recognise core emotions like anxiety or anger, but a more subtle one may need more analysis before I understand exactly what it is I am feeling.

 

[SDRSpark]

Unlike some of you, I don't come to understand my emotions at a later date. I feel nothing for most people. Family members are just casual associates that I'm expected to stay in touch with and be nice to, for example. I've felt little inklings of emotion for my father and grandfather at certain points in my life, but those bulbs never grow bright or stay lit for longer than few seconds.

I'm very much the same way, with a few exceptions. I distinctly remember when I first started to come to the realization that I didn't have *the feelings* that I was expected to have, that my emotional experience wasn't like that of my classmates. I was in elementary school, probably 2nd or 3rd grade. Maybe even earlier. I heard my classmates talking about their families (I think one of them had a family member who had passed) and I realized that they all had strong emotions towards their family members. I felt nothing.

Throughout a lot of my younger years I've felt like I must be some sort of sociopath because I don't feel the things I'm "supposed to" (and of course, lack of those feelings comes with a moral judgment from society at large). I also felt like an alien (still do) because try as I might, I just couldn't connect. Sometimes I say things that are dishonest to cover for the fact that I don't have these feelings - I'm still ashamed, and don't want anyone to really know about this lack of connection.

In many ways I still can't connect, but when I do, my emotions are overwhelming, anxiety inducing and lead to unhealthy situations and actions - I suspect I never learned how to appropriately manage those sorts of emotions when I do have them, because by and large, I've never had them.

 

[Maky]

In many ways I still can't connect, but when I do, my emotions are overwhelming, anxiety inducing and lead to unhealthy situations and actions - I suspect I never learned how to appropriately manage those sorts of emotions when I do have them, because by and large, I've never had them.

For me, I suspect that my overwhelming emotions might be different than what neurotypicals feel. For example:

The lemur I cared for lost his partner to cancer, and I could see the life go out of his eyes. I wasn't allowed to interact at that point, but I knew he remembered me and that my presence helped. I loved him so much that I went to visit him for hours every Saturday and Sunday (the only days the small zoo was open) for over 5 years. I stuck with him until the pandemic closed the zoo, and I still went to see him from behind the perimeter fence (at a distance) until he died a couple of months later. It wasn't just an obsession thing, either. He and I were close, and I loved him immensely. From time to time, I see that sort of commitment in neurotypicals, but usually, it's only for their kid.

 

[SDRSpark]

For me, I suspect that my overwhelming emotions might be different than what neurotypicals feel. For example:

The lemur I cared for lost his partner to cancer, and I could see the life go out of his eyes. I wasn't allowed to interact at that point, but I knew he remembered me and that my presence helped. I loved him so much that I went to visit him for hours every Saturday and Sunday (the only days the small zoo was open) for over 5 years. I stuck with him until the pandemic closed the zoo, and I still went to see him from behind the perimeter fence (at a distance) until he died a couple of months later. It wasn't just an obsession thing, either. He and I were close, and I loved him immensely. From time to time, I see that sort of commitment in neurotypicals, but usually, it's only for their kid.

I suspect, but can't confirm (I'm not psychic after all) that my emotions in that sort of situation are also different from what neurotypicals feel. This is probably my most troubling issue as an adult attempting to navigate interpersonal relationships - if I'm even remotely honest about how strongly I feel it scares the heck out of people. This, in turn, unsettles me, because I get the impression that it's "wrong", "bad", "dangerous" etc. etc. and that it's some sort of personal failing.

It's typically either all or nothing with me. Either a) I wouldn't even notice if you got hit by a bus tomorrow and I never saw you again or b) I would take a bullet for you without a second thought. I am, thankfully, starting to experience more "gray areas" which I suspect, are more normal friendships and relationships but - I'm 33 years old now, I'm kind of a late bloomer in this regard. A lot of this stuff I think I was supposed to have learned/developed in my teen years. The stakes are much higher as an adult, and the consequences for screw ups are far reaching.

 

[zozie]

In many ways I still can't connect, but when I do, my emotions are overwhelming, anxiety inducing and lead to unhealthy situations and actions - I suspect I never learned how to appropriately manage those sorts of emotions when I do have them, because by and large, I've never had them.

I feel nothing about death. Like, family or loved ones dying. The prospect of losing a child. On the other hand, there are some situations that get me, but they're mostly fiction or movies or books or whatever.

I wonder if the "story" acts as a sort of structure and context for feeling the feelings? I remember when I was little watching the old Mary Poppins where Mr. Banks goes to give tuppence to the bird woman and she's gone. I used to sob at that part, because the opportunity was lost and that was so very sad. But if I lost a child, I would not be sad like that.

I don't tell people this, really. They get shocked and then I, like @SDRSpark, wonder if I'm secretly a sociopath. But if I am, why are there certain situations where I feel so intensely?

 

[zozie]

I suspect, but can't confirm (I'm not psychic after all) that my emotions in that sort of situation are also different from what neurotypicals feel. This is probably my most troubling issue as an adult attempting to navigate interpersonal relationships - if I'm even remotely honest about how strongly I feel it scares the heck out of people. This, in turn, unsettles me, because I get the impression that it's "wrong", "bad", "dangerous" etc. etc. and that it's some sort of personal failing.

It's typically either all or nothing with me. Either a) I wouldn't even notice if you got hit by a bus tomorrow and I never saw you again or b) I would take a bullet for you without a second thought. I am, thankfully, starting to experience more "gray areas" which I suspect, are more normal friendships and relationships but - I'm 33 years old now, I'm kind of a late bloomer in this regard. A lot of this stuff I think I was supposed to have learned/developed in my teen years. The stakes are much higher as an adult, and the consequences for screw ups are far reaching.

Holy cow, big relate. I used to blame it on my life in the military, that emotional black-and-white. And you are correct, it wreaks havoc on relationships, especially when others get scared by the intensity of your feeling. It's like you have to dumb it down in order to "protect" the other person and then things really start to fall apart when you can't mask anymore, not to mention the relationship tends to be built on pretense, which satisfies no one.

 

[Alexej]

Holy cow, big relate. I used to blame it on my life in the military, that emotional black-and-white. And you are correct, it wreaks havoc on relationships, especially when others get scared by the intensity of your feeling.

HI @zozie
maybe I am slow here, but how does time in the military relate to black and white of emotions. I am missing something here.

 

[Sheree]

I

I'd like to know if anyone has been formally diagnosed with Alexithymia. I think I have it (to some degree), but it's not worth the cost and hassle to get diagnosed. I'd like to hear more about typical emotional experiences from others with it.

Personally, I've had several instances where I had no emotional reaction but could feel my body responding physically. For example, my sister's heart stopped once for 15 minutes, and my parents called to tell me she died. All I could think was how inconvenient that was and how I would deal with a funeral with my tight schedule. At the same time, I felt weak in the legs, and my heart started beating really fast, which didn't register at all like an emotional reaction. Since then, I've had several family members die, including my mother, but I've never felt any emotion.

I've also never felt "love" for friends in my life. They're basically associates with a more mutualistic relationship. Only within the last 15 years have I learned that you're supposed to feel emotions for friends. That only happened because I grew very close to a lemur at a zoo I worked at, and he became my best friend. Otherwise, I could cry about friend stuff when watching tragic movies, but I only recently connected the response films evoke with what I should feel in real life. In fact, I usually use films to feel emotions that I don't feel for people in real life.

However, it's not like I don't feel emotion at all. I "love" on rare occasions, and when I do, it's overwhelming (as in the case with the lemur friend of mine). I also feel negative emotions, like anger and sadness. I feel "joy" sort of... And I can laugh like neurotypicals. Still, it seems that I'm often emotionally disconnected. Is this typical for alexithymia, or does that condition only include people who feel no conscious emotion at all?

I think I have it too.

 

[SDRSpark]

Holy cow, big relate. I used to blame it on my life in the military, that emotional black-and-white. And you are correct, it wreaks havoc on relationships, especially when others get scared by the intensity of your feeling. It's like you have to dumb it down in order to "protect" the other person and then things really start to fall apart when you can't mask anymore, not to mention the relationship tends to be built on pretense, which satisfies no one.

No military service here, so I can say that probably wasn't it!

There are various things about my mom (we're so much alike it's scary) that she would blame on having been pregnant (pregnancy hormones changed my brain!) but then she saw me do exactly the same thing as an adult and said "well, I guess I can't blame it on pregnancy anymore!" LOL I've been asked several times, by various people, how I manage to function in life. (Nothing like "you're obviously so screwed up we can't figure out how you're successful" to give you a confidence boost!!! LOL Oh boy...)

I'm getting off topic here... what you were saying about thinking it was due to a life circumstance and finding out that you were wrong resonated with me. It's amazing how often that happens.

 

[SDRSpark]

I feel nothing about death. Like, family or loved ones dying. The prospect of losing a child. On the other hand, there are some situations that get me, but they're mostly fiction or movies or books or whatever.

I wonder if the "story" acts as a sort of structure and context for feeling the feelings? I remember when I was little watching the old Mary Poppins where Mr. Banks goes to give tuppence to the bird woman and she's gone. I used to sob at that part, because the opportunity was lost and that was so very sad. But if I lost a child, I would not be sad like that.

I don't tell people this, really. They get shocked and then I, like @SDRSpark, wonder if I'm secretly a sociopath. But if I am, why are there certain situations where I feel so intensely?

I'm very much the same way. It's a huge part of the reason why I've chosen to remain childfree - I don't think I can properly care for/about a child, even my own. People have told me I'm wrong, "it's different when they're your own" etc. but like...I'm not going to bet someone's life on that being the case, you know? What if I have the kid and don't feel anything, or worse, think they're every bit as big of a burden as I think they would be hypothetically? No, not going to happen. That's a huge risk to take and no one deserves to have that gamble taken with them. Neither myself nor the potential future child deserves that.

As for death, I haven't experienced any sudden, unexpected losses. My grieving process is markedly different from those around me, and I have always blamed it on that (I have come to terms with it before the person actually dies) but realistically, even when deaths are not unexpected, those around me react differently (and then I tend to wonder what's wrong with them, they're not shocked that the person who was in their mid 80s and had a ton of health problems died, are they?) I dislike funerals because I feel I can't meet everyone else's expectations for emotional displays and again, I feel like everyone is judging me...same as I'm judging them really (and I shouldn't be, but I've seen people behave in ways that are so over-the-top I thought they must be faking it).

 

[zozie]

HI @zozie
maybe I am slow here, but how does time in the military relate to black and white of emotions. I am missing something here.

Hi @Alexej, my apologies for not elaborating. What I mean is that American military ideology tends to be incredibly black and white. Good guys vs. Bad Guys. Courage vs. cowardice. Life vs. death. Right vs. wrong. Etc.

I figured that my black-and-white emotional experience fell in line with the overly simplistic and polarized ideological style of the military. There is no intrinsic link to black and white emotions and the military...I don't think...but I extrapolated that there was when I was younger because it seemed to fit the B & W pattern.