Alone Again...Naturally (sort of)

[JDartistic]

I'm having a meltdown but I just decided that I need to be alone.

People cause me to self-loath but if I eliminate people, all of my troubles go away!

It's not a bad thing! I just have to accept this Fact. I still have books & poetry...& Star Trek!

I'm being honest here. I am not loved. Even my family 'disowned' me. I recently had a health issue & even my doctor rejected me! Everyone does. Friends, lovers - all disappoint...

But I am strong - bc I have to be! I'm not naturally alone. It's a hardship for me but I have learned one simple truth -

SOLITUDE is my only friend.

My only successes in life is when I face things alone!

That's my truth...not my choice but my reality. I just have to accept this fact. Only then will I soar!

(Still a hardship, though.) no matter how brilliant, what good is it if no one sees your work?

Meltdown. Sorry...

 

[JDartistic]

Oh & now I feel pathetic for expressing this.

I try so hard to be happy! That's the real work, isn't it? It's easy to be sad....

 

[watersprite]

I've been there, a lot, JDartistic. Likely many of us here on AC have. No need for sorry. I fall back on solitude too. Clear everything from my mind. I would like to be eloquent, but hope you're okay.

 

[Progster]

I go for a long walk alone in times like that, it makes me feel better.

 

[JDartistic]

I'm losing my art, too. I keep thinking 'why am I doing this?' No one cares. It just hangs on my wall. I have no friends who come over, so no one sees. I've sold some paintings but never enough to survive. I work Nightshift to avoid people.

My dream is to own a gallery but that's impossible. Did the website but no one visited.

I haven't done art in 2 years! I've lost my art. Now I just read & watch TV.

Think I've been depressed for awhile. Mid-life crisis!

Anyway, thanks for listening. Helps to get it off my chest.

 

[watersprite]

I don't know if I qualify as an artist, long story to that, but I suggest firmly to you to at least leave the possibility open that your art will return.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I find it much easier to never make art for the sake of other people unless it's intended to be for other people, like gifts and orders. It also helps me chase of those negative people that want everything for free but will gripe incessantly about how it looks anyway. "Pay to complain." Shuts 'em up pretty quick, the leeches.

I recommend reading some articles by Theresa Brown, she has some good tips on getting out there as a painter. I think some are also good marketing tips, that tends to be what thwarts most artists from making a living on their art.

 

[Beverly]

DJ, this sounds more like a lack of promotion than lack of talent. While I am more familiar with musical artists, any artist needs to be promoted to be noticed.

Have you (other than seeing the song I posed in "What are you listening to.") heard of a band called Charbonneau? I would guess you have not. Have you heard of Mark Cottrel? Perhaps if you live in London but, otherwise no, probably not. Have you hear of One Direction and 5 Seconds Of Summer? Of course you have.

Why? Are Charbonneau and Mark Cottrel less talented, do they perform music for only a small niche audience? No, they are just as talent and, their music would appeal to the masses just the same as One Direction and 5 Seconds Of Summer but, they choose not to promote themselves on the scale that One Direction and 5 Seconds Of Summer do. That is the only difference, promotion.

How do you kill a celebrity's career? Stop promoting them. How do you become a star? Get promoted or promote yourself. Even if you think you aren't good enough, that you will fail, promote yourself. make the world think you are the best that has ever lived at what you do - you don't have to believe it to preach it. With Energy, enthusiasm and, visibility, the world will believe it, even if you don't.

I can't believe you are a horrible person. You may do better on your own than in a group but, that is not a flaw, that is self confidence, self sufficiently and, independence - admirable qualities, deserving of praise. Following the masses is easy, doing it alone is hard. You are strong, self reliant and, you are okay with you - you would not be able to handle being completely alone if you were not. Maybe you want to change a few things about yourself but, you are basically okay with the core of who you are. That is a good thing.

 

[JDartistic]

Sometimes when you get older, you simply have to reinvent yourself.

I've had a good art career. Even had my own business. But I'm just getting older & my priorities are changing. The person I thought I was doesn't exist. I'm now trying to be the person I am.

I'm just having a meltdown.

I appreciate this forum. It's a safe place for me. But I also know that I'm alone. It's hard to accept that without family or friends. It means my future is uncertain, & that scares me sometimes.

I've survived. I always do. I just get sad sometimes that I'm always having to strive for survival.

That's all.

 

[Beverly]

I know that feeling. I have spent most of my life alone, often alone in a crowd but living in the proverbial fishbowl of fame is still a lonely life. No I wasn't a superstar but, I had enough notoriety to make a quiet, solitary life impossible. Most of that is gone now, save for in a few circles, thankfully.

Yes I enjoyed the money, the popularity but, the lack of being able to be myself got to me. A few years ago, I reinvented myself, only to discover I didn't really know who I was beyond the name and, the facade that went with that name, I had lived it for so long that acting, faking it was the only way I knew how to live.

I moved to a small cabin in a remote part of Idaho and, hid for a year, let the press die down and forget about me, and more importantly, figured out who I was, or at least who I wanted to be.

I am a loner, I prefer to be alone and, do not need anyone. I am married but we do have separate bedrooms and, aside form a few social events and, visits from his family, separate lives. While we both enjoy hunting, fishing and boating as well as being as self sufficient as possible, our lives do not collide often. I prefer it that way, all of the benefits and few of the hassles most married couples seem to face.

I know that it is not easy to reinvent, or find yourself after a successful life that wasn't really you. I lost myself in such a life for a long time. There it's easy to forget that you are different in a bad way. Eccentric is accepted as the norm for "your type" You, ore those around you cover for your shortcomings with lies upon lies, if need be.

Leaving it all behind and facing the real you head on is one of the hardest things anyone can do but, you know that you are strong and, you are a survivor, you will get through this time, and come out a better person for it, just as I did.

 

[JDartistic]

Thanks, Beverly. Your story gives me hope.

I have an antique boat on the Chesapeake & often dream of running away from the city. I have no good memories here anymore in DC. I have a beautiful place in Georgetown but once I hit a certain age, I became invisible. I watch my older neighbors shut themselves up in their homes & never leave. It's scary.

Alzheimer's runs in my family & I'm terrified of becoming demented & homeless.

I've also been looking at cabins in small waterfront communities along the Bay. People are friendly there & check on each other. Lots of old folks who seem to care for each other. I could open a small gallery or even just do custom work using my boat as my studio.

My identity is so wrapped up in being an artist but then I had some tragic events take place & I just stopped. I had no one to talk to, to even get me through. I functioned badly. Two years have passed & now I'm just floundering. I don't want to paint anymore. It seems useless. Everyone is an artist these days!

There's No Love. I've lived my life thinking that bc everyone always leaves. I'm HF autistic & pass as normal for a little while, but then something happens & they all leave. I even tell people up front & ask them to be patient when they see my autism. They usually stay around for a year or two but it becomes too much for them & they abruptly leave wo ever talking to me. They just disappear - it's cruel.

Being alone protects me but not anymore as I get older. Being alone now is just a harsh reality knowing I really will get terribly sick, suffer & die alone.

That sounds awful. That's why I'm in a terrible depression. I can't seem to pull out of this one.

 

[Beverly]

Don't give up, you will find a place where you can be alone as much as you want and still have neighbors that you know will assist you if you need them to do so. I found that place. It is also on a river and only five minutes drive from a large lake and, an hour from a smaller but deeper lake.

I have deer and wild turkeys in my yard often, and occasionally the neighbor's mules - they know how to open a gate if it is not padlocked and seem to think I have better tasting grass in my yard than they have at home.

The people out here keep to themselves unless they need something or, someone out here needs assistance, then we all band together and do what needs to be done before returning to our solitary lives. Once in a while, that assistance is simply someone who will listen but most often it is something more tangible like repairs to a house or, food because someone got laid off, or their disability check is late, or they had to spend their limited income on an unforeseen expense.

Places like this do exist. I don't think there are many left today, but there are still a few hidden here and there around the country. You will find one that suits you.

 

[JDartistic]

Thanks, Beverly. [emoji7]

 

[watersprite]

Thanks, Beverly. Your story gives me hope.

I have an antique boat on the Chesapeake & often dream of running away from the city. I have no good memories here anymore in DC. I have a beautiful place in Georgetown but once I hit a certain age, I became invisible. I watch my older neighbors shut themselves up in their homes & never leave. It's scary.

Alzheimer's runs in my family & I'm terrified of becoming demented & homeless.

I've also been looking at cabins in small waterfront communities along the Bay. People are friendly there & check on each other. Lots of old folks who seem to care for each other. I could open a small gallery or even just do custom work using my boat as my studio.

My identity is so wrapped up in being an artist but then I had some tragic events take place & I just stopped. I had no one to talk to, to even get me through. I functioned badly. Two years have passed & now I'm just floundering. I don't want to paint anymore. It seems useless. Everyone is an artist these days!

There's No Love. I've lived my life thinking that bc everyone always leaves. I'm HF autistic & pass as normal for a little while, but then something happens & they all leave. I even tell people up front & ask them to be patient when they see my autism. They usually stay around for a year or two but it becomes too much for them & they abruptly leave wo ever talking to me. They just disappear - it's cruel.

Being alone protects me but not anymore as I get older. Being alone now is just a harsh reality knowing I really will get terribly sick, suffer & die alone.

That sounds awful. That's why I'm in a terrible depression. I can't seem to pull out of this one.

What I meant was if you in effect self harm by utterly and completely denying your identity as an artist, then in any effort to be honest with yourself as Beverly so wisely offered, you could run straight into an interesting obstacle/conflict. In order to let something die and have peace after its burial if that's what you're after, one has to acknowledge its existence.
We're all in this together though that is indeed cold comfort. Use your artist brain to create a path into old age as best you can, if you can.

"....Yet not to thine eternal resting-place
Shalt thou retire alone, nor couldst thou wish
Couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down
With patriarchs of the infant world—with kings,
The powerful of the earth—the wise, the good,
Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,
All in one mighty sepulchre." _ from Thanatopsis by William Cullen Bryant

Best to you JDartistic

 

[Maelstrom]

Thanks, Beverly. Your story gives me hope.

I have an antique boat on the Chesapeake & often dream of running away from the city. I have no good memories here anymore in DC. I have a beautiful place in Georgetown but once I hit a certain age, I became invisible. I watch my older neighbors shut themselves up in their homes & never leave. It's scary.

Alzheimer's runs in my family & I'm terrified of becoming demented & homeless.

I've also been looking at cabins in small waterfront communities along the Bay. People are friendly there & check on each other. Lots of old folks who seem to care for each other. I could open a small gallery or even just do custom work using my boat as my studio.

My identity is so wrapped up in being an artist but then I had some tragic events take place & I just stopped. I had no one to talk to, to even get me through. I functioned badly. Two years have passed & now I'm just floundering. I don't want to paint anymore. It seems useless. Everyone is an artist these days!

There's No Love. I've lived my life thinking that bc everyone always leaves. I'm HF autistic & pass as normal for a little while, but then something happens & they all leave. I even tell people up front & ask them to be patient when they see my autism. They usually stay around for a year or two but it becomes too much for them & they abruptly leave wo ever talking to me. They just disappear - it's cruel.

Being alone protects me but not anymore as I get older. Being alone now is just a harsh reality knowing I really will get terribly sick, suffer & die alone.

That sounds awful. That's why I'm in a terrible depression. I can't seem to pull out of this one.

Well I'm not entirely unlike you, I've been planing to live on a sailboat, (a house that comes with a moat), and am very artistic...and I love my alone time alot. But I find the lack of people and contact with the outside world kills the well of creativity. I notice allot of people here go back and forth between a all or nothing thing, it is easier to do that than try to figure out how to be consistantly 20% percent social but that may be the best thing for most of us in the long run. Being alone too much is not good, but overloading is no good either. For me 1 or 2 days a week with major socializing can be more than enough to wear me out. But how you socialize can be as important as how much. A quiet walk on the beach, hike in the forest, or fishing trip is not going to be anywhere as stressful as going to the mall or the movies. Try to keep tabs on what is working for you or not and why. If you can see the pattern than you can adjust how you live and arrange social events to best suit both parties needs. Maybe you are picking the wrong friends, one person may love fishing all day with you and say 3 words...another may tie the anchor around his throat and jump overboard after 5 minutes. Play to your strengths a pleasent game space warfare with a couple of quiet friends may do the trick. Part of the problem is in order to make your social life suit you, you have to be more aggressive on the invites, if you invite first you get to choose the nature and menu of the event, and now days most people are lucky to do one major thing a week. So ask first, keep things low stress and low key, choose friends who aren't too high maintenence, and try not to over do it.. it only takes one meltdown to ruin a friendship...learn to apologize to good friends they are hard to find.

 

[JDartistic]

What I meant was if you in effect self harm by utterly and completely denying your identity as an artist, then in any effort to be honest with yourself as Beverly so wisely offered, you could run straight into an interesting obstacle/conflict. In order to let something die and have peace after its burial if that's what you're after, one has to acknowledge its existence.
We're all in this together though that is indeed cold comfort. Use your artist brain to create a path into old age as best you can, if you can.

"....Yet not to thine eternal resting-place
Shalt thou retire alone, nor couldst thou wish
Couch more magnificent. Thou shalt lie down
With patriarchs of the infant world—with kings,
The powerful of the earth—the wise, the good,
Fair forms, and hoary seers of ages past,
All in one mighty sepulchre." _ from Thanatopsis by William Cullen Bryant

Best to you JDartistic

Not a lot of people know of William Bryant. I'm impressed! [emoji3]

 

[JDartistic]

Well I'm not entirely unlike you, I've been planing to live on a sailboat, (a house that comes with a moat), and am very artistic...and I love my alone time alot. But I find the lack of people and contact with the outside world kills the well of creativity. I notice allot of people here go back and forth between a all or nothing thing, it is easier to do that than try to figure out how to be consistantly 20% percent social but that may be the best thing for most of us in the long run. Being alone too much is not good, but overloading is no good either. For me 1 or 2 days a week with major socializing can be more than enough to wear me out. But how you socialize can be as important as how much. A quiet walk on the beach, hike in the forest, or fishing trip is not going to be anywhere as stressful as going to the mall or the movies. Try to keep tabs on what is working for you or not and why. If you can see the pattern than you can adjust how you live and arrange social events to best suit both parties needs. Maybe you are picking the wrong friends, one person may love fishing all day with you and say 3 words...another may tie the anchor around his throat and jump overboard after 5 minutes. Play to your strengths a pleasent game space warfare with a couple of quiet friends may do the trick. Part of the problem is in order to make your social life suit you, you have to be more aggressive on the invites, if you invite first you get to choose the nature and menu of the event, and now days most people are lucky to do one major thing a week. So ask first, keep things low stress and low key, choose friends who aren't too high maintenence, and try not to over do it.. it only takes one meltdown to ruin a friendship...learn to apologize to good friends they are hard to find.

Yes, that's it. I've always just had 1 or 2 friends. For some reason, it's been harder for me to make new friends. Seriously, I haven't had anyone to my house in over 2 years! I average 1 social event a month, if that. I prefer 1 a week but circumstances change.

Boating has helped me, though. The marina community is always more friendly. I never seriously considered living on a boat, but that may be the answer...

 

[JDartistic]

Everyone here is always so helpful. You don't know this, but whenever I'm about to give up, I post a thread & you manage to lift me up again.

Thank you. I don't mean to be a downer but until I do find more friends, this has been a life line that I value.

 

[Beverly]

JD, sometime online friends are enough, though a few local acquaintances of the very reliable and helpful sort are useful to have too.

I'm glad you are feeling more positive now.

 

[Maelstrom]

Yes, that's it. I've always just had 1 or 2 friends. For some reason, it's been harder for me to make new friends. Seriously, I haven't had anyone to my house in over 2 years! I average 1 social event a month, if that. I prefer 1 a week but circumstances change.

Boating has helped me, though. The marina community is always more friendly. I never seriously considered living on a boat, but that may be the answer...

Oh! JDartistic I just assumed you were living on the boat, hey a boat is a great way to get friends to drop by, even better if you ply them with snacks etcetera.. And all you have to do is leave a painting or 2 out on deck and get your easel or whatever out on good days...hardly any group around is more likely to buy paintings than boat people. You really can't go wrong, just be willing to look engaging and chat with them a little. Painting down on the boat may be more fun anyways, maybe I will do that. Boat party- boat gallery Yeah!