I'm just gonna rant if that is okay?
Integral to what I would consider an enjoyable existence, is privacy. I can complete all kinds of tasks and activities without outside intervention. If I make a mistake, that's my responsibility. If I get upset with something, that's mine as well. No interruptions, no interjections.
And yet, as comforting as this is, I can tell a big part of my personality, is having someone to share some of these moments with. Happy ones. Though, notedly my behavior has drawn a hard line between me and a someone recently. And I honestly, rather had not spent time with someone at all, if I wasn't going to behave in a tolerable manner.
I don't handle change very well, at all. (I can just hear my neurotypical friends saying "I, as well!) And I went through several big changes at once. First, I lost the support from my family, as they had to move for work, a move I was supposed to make with them, but instead was given short notice to find a place for me and my two cats, my best friend of 15 years dumped me suddenly without discussion, I had started a new relationship and quickly became obsessed with them, and my cat of 9 years died a violent death in my arms, in the middle of my room (I didnt eat for weeks after that). Oh and I got diagnosed right after, so I was reprocessing my whole life, my past especially.
I would say, under normal circumstances I only deal a little damage in misunderstandings, especially since I struggle with saying what I mean versus what I think I am supposed to say. But I was very surprised at how my behavior started to seem like it wasn't me at all, I was dealing damage left and right, and no matter how much I wanted to stop, I couldnt pin down the point in my thinking that would cause it. Normally at the beginning of a relationship I enjoy the meshing of minds. But my mind was somewhere else. I was scared of everything, and paranoid. I was having blind meltdowns, and my impulse control? Say goodbye to that. I take full responsibility for my behavior. But it's still true that I simply wasn't being my usual self.
TLDR - Now I am in this house, living with the person I essentially pushed away with my sadness. Still reeling from this past summer. It's been 2 months since they dumped me, and I am still obsessed with them. And so frustrated with myself I could burst. Does this mean I don't have character, I wonder to myself. Am I a bad person? I upset and disappoint the people I care about. Am I lazy? I can't even make a doctor's appointment. Should I protect others by remaining alone? The pain of losing someone by my own doing is nearly unbearable at this point.
I'm still going through the motions, I'm not giving up. But I feel so alone, and I think an even lonelier feeling is knowing that I would leave me too if I could. I feel like I didnt just cause the break up, but everything else. Like I could have prevented everything by just being normal. It hurts. How do I make this place stop hurting?
Integral to what I would consider an enjoyable existence, is privacy. I can complete all kinds of tasks and activities without outside intervention. If I make a mistake, that's my responsibility. If I get upset with something, that's mine as well. No interruptions, no interjections.
And yet, as comforting as this is, I can tell a big part of my personality, is having someone to share some of these moments with. Happy ones. Though, notedly my behavior has drawn a hard line between me and a someone recently. And I honestly, rather had not spent time with someone at all, if I wasn't going to behave in a tolerable manner.
I don't handle change very well, at all. (I can just hear my neurotypical friends saying "I, as well!) And I went through several big changes at once. First, I lost the support from my family, as they had to move for work, a move I was supposed to make with them, but instead was given short notice to find a place for me and my two cats, my best friend of 15 years dumped me suddenly without discussion, I had started a new relationship and quickly became obsessed with them, and my cat of 9 years died a violent death in my arms, in the middle of my room (I didnt eat for weeks after that). Oh and I got diagnosed right after, so I was reprocessing my whole life, my past especially.
I would say, under normal circumstances I only deal a little damage in misunderstandings, especially since I struggle with saying what I mean versus what I think I am supposed to say. But I was very surprised at how my behavior started to seem like it wasn't me at all, I was dealing damage left and right, and no matter how much I wanted to stop, I couldnt pin down the point in my thinking that would cause it. Normally at the beginning of a relationship I enjoy the meshing of minds. But my mind was somewhere else. I was scared of everything, and paranoid. I was having blind meltdowns, and my impulse control? Say goodbye to that. I take full responsibility for my behavior. But it's still true that I simply wasn't being my usual self.
TLDR - Now I am in this house, living with the person I essentially pushed away with my sadness. Still reeling from this past summer. It's been 2 months since they dumped me, and I am still obsessed with them. And so frustrated with myself I could burst. Does this mean I don't have character, I wonder to myself. Am I a bad person? I upset and disappoint the people I care about. Am I lazy? I can't even make a doctor's appointment. Should I protect others by remaining alone? The pain of losing someone by my own doing is nearly unbearable at this point.
I'm still going through the motions, I'm not giving up. But I feel so alone, and I think an even lonelier feeling is knowing that I would leave me too if I could. I feel like I didnt just cause the break up, but everything else. Like I could have prevented everything by just being normal. It hurts. How do I make this place stop hurting?
