Alternative relationship styles

[hiraeth]

People who feel like they have too much of a need for space / time alone / can never live with anyone / etc any personal needs that are incompatible with the expectations that are often associated with a traditional relationship structure:

Have you found other ways to experience the companionship of another person that is in harmony with your needs? Whether that "way" has labels associated with it or not?

 

[Lady Penelope]

I just ended a living situation that did not work due to the 'conventional' paradigm not working for me (nor was the relationship in general). I'm now living on my own again for the first time in about 12 years.
I have discussed a possible future living situation with a friend who shares similar views about creating situations that work for the individuals involved; society be damned. We both require quiet time and a sense of our own space but to feel supported and not alone when we need to be. We are both self-diagnosed high-functioning aspergers. I'm at a point where I need my life to work for me and not for those around me. People who care should be supportive regardless of whether they understand, but if they're not then I think I need to compartmentalise them and add them to the 'grain of salt' bucket.

Reading some of the stories of others on this forum, it sounds like it is common to want space and for this need to be mis-understood by partners. I think society does everyone a disservice by pushing one ideal which cannot possibly work for absolutely everyone, aspergers or not. It would be more beneficial to allow people to create their lives that work harmoniously and without judgment.

 

[ksheehan88]

I live with my partner of 10 years.

If we were to end our relationship and I had another relationship I would not live with them.

It would keep things fresher not being together all the time and I would have a space in which to retreat if needed.

 

[Judge]

Tough question, and a particular social dynamic comes to mind.

That whatever "solution" someone on the spectrum might determine could be interpreted as something tantamount to "friends with benefits". Where a certain sense of resentment ultimately builds and the relationship fails.

I needed that space while she craved that "closeness". In hindsight I suspect she probably felt that being so close all the time was a required element of any serious relationship, while I did not. Though as I frequently mention in so many posts, neither her or myself was aware that I could be on the spectrum of autism. Or that it would have even mattered to her.

Had I been younger and self-aware I must admit that it would be a challenge on my part to seek a more amicable solution. Or at least something that on the surface didn't emulate "friends with benefits". I suppose logically I must surmise that it depends on the individual person in terms of how they react to a partner who can be devoted to them, but still requires routine solitude to make it all work.

That as I also frequently post, mixed relationships between NTs and Aspies are simply not for everyone.

 

[ksheehan88]

Tough question, and a particular social dynamic comes to mind.

That whatever "solution" someone on the spectrum might determine could be interpreted as something tantamount to "friends with benefits". Where a certain sense of resentment ultimately builds and the relationship fails.

I needed that space while she craved that "closeness". In hindsight I suspect she probably felt that being so close all the time was a required element of any serious relationship, while I did not. Though as I frequently mention in so many posts, neither her or myself was aware that I could be on the spectrum of autism. Or that it would have even mattered to her.

Had I been younger and self-aware I must admit that it would be a challenge on my part to seek a more amicable solution. Or at least something that on the surface didn't emulate "friends with benefits". I suppose logically I must surmise that it depends on the individual person in terms of how they react to a partner who can be devoted to them, but still requires routine solitude to make it all work.

That as I also frequently post, mixed relationships between NTs and Aspies are simply not for everyone.

I wonder if "friends with benefits" would describe my above post, where I said I'd be happy to not live with someone but still be in a relationship?

 

[Judge]

I wonder if "friends with benefits" would describe my above post, where I said I'd be happy to not live with someone but still be in a relationship?

I'm afraid it would likely appeal to many of us on the spectrum. But a Neurotypical partner? Unlikely, although ultimately it just depends on the individual I suppose.

I was in that situation. Happy to have altered the relationship accordingly. But what I didn't sense in real time was how resentful my girlfriend was becoming over it. I suppose I should add one critical element that might make many Aspies cringe over. I also worked in the same office with her, and literally only about ten feet away. In the beginning we were together essentially on a 24/7 basis. I loved her very much, but I just couldn't deal with both living with her and working with her. It was overload for me. Especially when she had certain expectations of classic romance...a concept I often struggle with.

And yet tragically I didn't have any idea why, other than I was an introvert. I had no idea how significant it all played into my neurological profile at the time.

It's why I so often post how important one's self-awareness is. Going through life for so long not knowing who and what you are....I don't wish that for any of you.

 

[Mia]

Don't know if I have a traditional relationship structure. As I don't quite know what that is, although the relationship may have begun in a usual way. Both of us have vocations; myself to art, my spouse to music. That's the most important part for either of us after the realtionship. And one that we've worked at over a long period of time. Before we retired we had other necessary obligations.

We come together daily at different times to talk and eat together, and go for a walk in the evening. The rest of the time is our own, to do with what we want, I draw or paint or sometimes cook, my spouse plays guitar or studies jazz chords. Both of us have developed a lifestyle together that suits us.

 

[NeoPhile]

I've always had trouble with the dating structure. I found an alternative to that, and if you want, I can tell you about it via PM. (It's not really appropriate to talk about outside of the adult section.)
As far as friends, I've always struggled in that area, too. Try to find people who have similar interests and talk about that interest with them. I have friends I watch baseball games with at the sports bar.

 

[ezcare]

I saw a different perspective on this topic given in a reply to an entirely unrelated question. The question: Is there a higher incidence of "same sex attraction" among Aspies than among NTs? The reply confirmed that there is. But the writer went on to explain that, for Aspies, that attraction is more of an emotional attraction than a physical one. The writer was not a professional therapist but had participated in a number of support groups that dealt with this question.

 

[hiraeth]

I saw a different perspective on this topic given in a reply to an entirely unrelated question. The question: Is there a higher incidence of "same sex attraction" among Aspies than among NTs? The reply confirmed that there is. But the writer went on to explain that, for Aspies, that attraction is more of an emotional attraction than a physical one.

Interesting. I have heard multiple times from people who consider themselves primarily or exclusively attracted to the same sex (in whatever senses) that it has something to do with "feeling more relatable".

And yeah, I have been having some discussions with an NT friend lately who has many of the same "difficult" needs / boundaries as me - but is NT - and we came to the realisation that my ideal "relationship" would basically be friends with benefits - from a practical perspective. Whether there will be a label attached would be up to the other person, I don't care either way so long as there is care and commitment and y'know that stuff. But we always say to each other that if we don't find someone we'll just marry each other for the legal benefits. I think he has a much higher chance of that than me though, hahaha.

 

[elspeth]

I'm afraid it would likely appeal to many of us on the spectrum. But a Neurotypical partner? Unlikely, although ultimately it just depends on the individual I suppose.

I was in that situation. Happy to have altered the relationship accordingly. But what I didn't sense in real time was how resentful my girlfriend was becoming over it. I suppose I should add one critical element that might make many Aspies cringe over. I also worked in the same office with her, and literally only about ten feet away. In the beginning we were together essentially on a 24/7 basis. I loved her very much, but I just couldn't deal with both living with her and working with her. It was overload for me. Especially when she had certain expectations of classic romance...a concept I often struggle with.

And yet tragically I didn't have any idea why, other than I was an introvert. I had no idea how significant it all played into my neurological profile at the time.

It's why I so often post how important one's self-awareness is. Going through life for so long not knowing who and what you are....I don't wish that for any of you.

I think it depends -- on the stage of life, gender and whether someone has been married before. I don't think it's uncommon, for example for straight women over 40 who've been married before to value having their own space and not have the responsibility of caring for someone else's needs all of the time (as tends to be expected when you live together in a het. relationship).