Always wanting to explain myself

[Ban]

I find that often when I am in an argument/disagreement with someone I have a very strong sense that if I could just explain myself they would instantly stop being annoyed and we would both laugh about how we nearly had an argument over a misunderstanding.

It feels to me like the thing they are annoyed about didn't actually happen, I have said or done one thing and they are upset over what they think my intentions were which often weren't there at all. Usually they don't want to hear and my insistence on explaining just annoys them and if I do explain it still never seems to help.

 

[Aspychata]

This is us on the spectrum. We say something which is very clear to us, taken way differently then we thought would be taken, and therein lies the giant problem. If we had people decoder watches then we would know what to say. Like if you say this- then the Sims man or woman in front of you will be happy, or frowning. Lol. This site promise decoder watches when l first signed up but l moved.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I believe NTs always jump to conclusions about intentions. It's done unconsciously for them and there is a large emotional component. Do not expect more.

 

[Owliet]

I find that often when I am in an argument/disagreement with someone I have a very strong sense that if I could just explain myself they would instantly stop being annoyed and we would both laugh about how we nearly had an argument over a misunderstanding.

It feels to me like the thing they are annoyed about didn't actually happen, I have said or done one thing and they are upset over what they think my intentions were which often weren't there at all. Usually they don't want to hear and my insistence on explaining just annoys them and if I do explain it still never seems to help.

This is me. Like yesterday, I had an argument with my mom about returning back to work. The more time spent on trying to explain my reasoning was met with more annoyance and frustration on her side which then led me to feel frustrated about it because she didn’t seem to understand and thought that I was being awkward. Turned out she was correct but she seemed to consider her interests only and my explanation and insistence to do so didn’t help.

Such situations are always more upsetting than they are worth...

 

[Knower of nothing]

Clear, calm and concise explanations of the sometimes unconventional intentions or roads to conclusions you make are something I had to learn as well. You have to be patient. Many people, when they are in the midst of being upset, will no longer properly follow thought trains and are instead driven by the need to express a feeling and to process it. Give them time to vent and say their piece. Then go in calmly, with understanding.
All easier said than done, and it is definitely easier when the person themselves has a patient and understanding nature, but sometimes you just have to work with what you have. However, pull it off succesfully once, and each subsequent time with the same person will be easier. Another silver lining is the way this understanding and overcoming of conflict can forge a bond.

 

[Suzette]

I always try to explain too. That never works though. NTs invariably think I am challenging them and "fighting".

Of course I actually want discourse and we compare our thoughts and arrive at a joint, mutually satisfying, conclusion. It seems rediculous to me that people actually stuff them selves into "winner" and "looser", "right" and "wrong" boxes.
I am looking for option C.

 

[Aspychata]

I always try to explain too. That never works though. NTs invariably think I am challenging them and "fighting".

Of course I actually want discourse and we compare our thoughts and arrive at a joint, mutually satisfying, conclusion. It seems rediculous to me that people actually stuff them selves into "winner" and "looser", "right" and "wrong" boxes.
I am looking for option C.

Right on that, especially if you explain something that co-workers didn't get then they hate you more. Lol

 

[mapleleafsoup]

I feel the same way. I always want to explain myself if I feel misunderstood or judged harshly, but I rarely get the chance to. Too many people decide instantly how they feel based on a random thing you said or did that was perceived in a wrong way.

 

[Matthias]

My understanding is that most people want you to do two things:

1. Be yourself
2. Be normal

If you can do that, you won't need to explain anything. If you behave abnormally, any explanation will only reinforce their belief that you're not normal and annoy them even more.

 

[Suzette]

My understanding is that most people want you to do two things:

1. Be yourself
2. Be normal

If you can do that, you won't need to explain anything. If you behave abnormally, any explanation will only reinforce their belief that you're not normal and annoy them even more.

No, no, no. We can't allow others to define "normal". "Normal" is a spectrum that encompasses all of human behavior. To allow others to define normal as anything less is to willingly allow others to subjegate us simply because they can't think beyond their own pettiness.

 

[Lili G]

Oh my gosh I was just talking to my friend about this! I find myself reiterating all the time just to make sure someone gets what I'm saying, and I am the QUEEN of analogies and anecdotes. Got a crown and everything.

 

[Matthias]

No, no, no. We can't allow others to define "normal". "Normal" is a spectrum that encompasses all of human behavior. To allow others to define normal as anything less is to willingly allow others to subjegate us simply because they can't think beyond their own pettiness.

By normal, I mean neurotypical/not autistic. If you can be yourself without having any neurodivergent traits, I think most people will accept you. I know that's not helpful. It's just my opinion of what I think most people want based on my experiences with other people.

 

[SusanLR]

I always want to explain myself when someone gets upset over something I didn't say or do
or they mistook what I meant.

But, the more I talk and try to reason, the more annoyed they become.
Sometimes to the point of being told to shut up.

 

[Raggamuffin]

We're free to choose to react. This goes both ways. We might seemingly upset someone for an opinion or tone we consider normal.

Then again, we might often get flustered over things which NT's consider to be trivial.

As you say, you can try and explain yourself, but if their initial reaction was negative/defensive - then trying to elaborate on it might just rub salt in the wounds.

Ed

 

[Alexej]

Hi and welcome @Lili G

I like the word "traspie". A nice new word

 

[Hypnalis]

@Ban

Repeating a comment I made a few weeks ago:

Your posts suggest that sometimes you (Ban) want to say things that are better left unsaid.

A principle for you:

• A lot of NT's try to "win" arguments. Of those, many get "personally invested" in the process.
• A lot of Aspies want to show they're right. Typically it's more of an intellectual process than an emotional one.

On the surface it would seem a discussion between those two would be possible, but in practice it usually doesn't work well.

I saw a quote from Dale Carnegie yesterday that fitted well. I couldn't find it today, but found another that isn't bad. It's not actually "on point" for your post, but hopefully useful anyway:

“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will.”

It's not impossible to manage an NT if there's a clash, but it's much easier to just avoid getting into a "head-banging competition".

 

[tree]

How is it that so many people on the forum are
blessed with magical ability to detect a person's
neurology?

 

[Ban]

I liked these comments I think what's going on is a combination of me being determined to explain where I'm coming from with an incorrect assumption that they even care. I'm putting forward a logical argument and there just annoyed so not interested in trying to understand. I can never seem to imagine how anyone wouldn't respond to my logical train of thought and I find it really hard letting it go when there response doesn't match what I feel I'm saying. The solution seems to be just me shutting up quicker and avoiding making things worse but I can't even picture how it would conclude without coming together on what we both consider to have happend.