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Am I a unattractive person?

Tony Ramirez

Tony Ramirez

Forever Alone Aspie
V.I.P Member
Which is why single woman don't want to talk to me?

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I'm a hetero guy so I wouldn't be looking at your appearance or judging it like a hetero woman would. I'll say if I knew nothing about you at all there is no reason at all that I would think that you might not be married or have a partner. You look like a perfectly normal guy who could certainly be in a relationship.

In other words, I could totally see you as some random guy in a church for example where, if meeting you for the first time you could be introducing your wife, Janice, Yolanda, whomever. Would she be a super-model? An extremely objectively attractive woman? Nope. So what. As people, I think we should accept the fact that 80%-90% of us (myself included) are NOT objectively very physically attractive and instead are...average looking. That's just a fact. It's a curious and unfortunate problem when average looking women seek/expect very attractive men and equally when average looking (and average means) men seek out and expect a very attractive women as a partner.
 
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Look. I maybe not the best person to talk to about this. But giving those kinda thoughts power is only going to destroy your self-image. Asking others if your are or aren't attractive is essentially your psyche trying to apply confirmation bias. And other people's answers will be out of pettiness or pity alot of times. At least with the dishonest ones.

What other people think shouldn't hold power over your own self-preceptions. What you know about yourself. No one knows you better than you, after all.

But this is coming from someone who is still figuring themself out and has possible clinical depression. So yeah.
 
I mean, If a woman/ (and or Person) is only attracted to you SOLELY for your looks.
You might not want that one.

A real person will be attracted to how you carry yourself.
 
You asked an impossible question.

The splice (xxx, therefore I can't meet "single women") makes it meaningless without comprehensive information on the single women you are prepared to consider.

Looking like that (unshaven, faded monochrome T-shirt, no visible signs of above-average income or wealth) definitely limits your options significantly. For example, forget about normally attractive women in the 25-32 age range.

That doesn't mean there are zero women for you of course. But you have room for self-improvement.
 
Hypnalis said:
You asked an impossible question.

The splice (xxx, therefore I can't meet "single women") makes it meaningless without comprehensive information on the single women you are prepared to consider.

Looking like that (unshaven, faded monochrome T-shirt, no visible signs of above-average income or wealth) definitely limits your options significantly. For example, forget about normally attractive women in the 25-32 age range.

That doesn't mean there are zero women for you of course. But you have room for self-improvement.
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Well put, the question is too vague.

(i feel this thread might've been a (gotta get this off my mind) type thing.
 
The subject of "attractiveness" is somewhat overrated. All you have to do is watch a clip of any of these reality TV dating shows, like The Bachelor, etc. There are "beautiful people" on there, both men and women, and why are they on the show? Single and looking for love. Which often begs the question, given the fact that they are physically beautiful, why are they single? Surely, they would have their pick. Plenty of opportunities. The logical answer is, "It's not their looks." On the opposite end of the spectrum, I work in one of the largest neonatal ICUs in the world. Babies have parents, and some of these parents, well, let's say they weren't blessed with physical beauty. Yet, they are in a loving relationship and have brought a life into this world. So, what is it?

Tony, I would say you have "average" looks, so I don't think that is the issue. I wouldn't consider myself that handsome, but I was lucky enough to snag a wife and have a few kids. I work with thousands of female co-workers at the hospital. Very few of these women have expressed, what I perceived, as "attractiveness" towards me over the years. I am an "old married guy" now, but it is nice to have some sense that my wife wasn't that one in a million. Even if you don't smile on the outside, you do on the inside. I get it.

With that frame of reference, and knowing that I have and do "swim in the estrogen ocean" ;), listening to break room talk, listening to the nurses banter amongst each other about their relationships with men, having them ask me advice, etc. all I can tell you is that what a woman is attracted to, in terms of physical looks, will vary significantly. My impression is that it has to do more with their personal priorities. If you have someone who is energized by conversation, they are going to look for a partner that is good at conversation. If you have someone who is used to, or desires, a certain level of financial security, they are going to be looking for someone who can provide that. If they are of a certain race or religion, that may be a priority. Sometimes it's a mix of attributes. Most women have a sense that there is no such thing as "perfect". With any man, there is going to be qualities that women desire and those that are lacking.

Now, having said all that, if you are one that is actively seeking a relationship, as one might say, "You do have to put some bait on the hook." That might mean, putting some work into it, by having a healthy, fit appearance, your hair, you face, your clothing sharp and pressed,...basically, you have to project to others that you are "put together". That will get the "fish closer to biting the hook". Beyond that, though, relationships are about this thing called "reciprocity", that give and take, and trying to maintain some sort of balance. It could be in the realm of conversational skills, common interests, financial situation, morals, and so forth. How are you "compatible" with this other person? Basically, what do YOU bring to the relationship that others might not? Seriously, human relationships are basically an elaborate competition for a mate, which really isn't much different than any other species on Earth. It is NOT a passive endeavor.

If anyone thinks that people should initially be attracted to them for who they are on the inside, is in for a lot of disappointment. Most people will never give you the opportunity to know and love you if they perceive you "don't have your #$%^ together".
 
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Neonatal RRT said:
The subject of "attractiveness" is somewhat overrated. All you have to do is watch a clip of any of these reality TV dating shows, like The Bachelor, etc. There are "beautiful people" on there, both men and women, and why are they on the show? Single and looking for love. Which often begs the question, given the fact that they are physically beautiful, why are they single? Surely, they would have their pick. Plenty of opportunities. The logical answer is, "It's not their looks." On the opposite end of the spectrum, I work in one of the largest neonatal ICUs in the world. Babies have parents, and some of these parents, well, let's say they weren't blessed with physical beauty. Yet, they are in a loving relationship and have brought a life into this world. So, what is it?

Tony, I would say you have "average" looks, so I don't think that is the issue. I wouldn't consider myself that handsome, but I was lucky enough to snag a wife and have a few kids. I work with thousands of female co-workers at the hospital. Very few of these women have expressed, what I perceived, as "attractiveness" towards me over the years. I am an "old married guy" now, but it is nice to have some sense that my wife wasn't that one in a million. Even if you don't smile on the outside, you do on the inside. I get it.

With that frame of reference, and knowing that I have and do "swim in the estrogen ocean" ;), listening to break room talk, listening to the nurses banter amongst each other about their relationships with men, having them ask me advice, etc. all I can tell you is that what a woman is attracted to, in terms of physical looks, will vary significantly. My impression is that it has to do more with their personal priorities. If you have someone who is energized by conversation, they are going to look for a partner that is good at conversation. If you have someone how is used to, or desires a certain level of financial security, they are going to be looking for someone who can provide that. If they are of a certain race or religion, that may be a priority. Sometimes it's a mix of attributes. Most women have a sense that there is no such thing as "perfect". With any man, there is going to be qualities that women desire and those that are lacking.

Now, having said all that, if you are one that is actively seeking a relationship, as one might say, "You do have to put some bait on the hook." That might mean, putting some work into it, by having a healthy, fit appearance, your hair, you face, your clothing sharp and pressed,...basically, you have to project to others that you are "put together". That will get the "fish closer to biting the hook". Beyond that, though, relationships are about this thing called "reciprocity", that give and take, and trying to maintain some sort of balance. It could be in the realm of conversational skills, common interests, financial situation, morals, and so forth. How are you "compatible" with this other person? Basically, what do YOU bring to the relationship that others might not? Seriously, human relationships are basically an elaborate competition for a mate, which really isn't much different than any other species on Earth. It is NOT a passive endeavor.

If anyone thinks that people should initially be attracted to them for who they are on the inside, is in for a lot of disappointment. Most people will never give you the opportunity to know and love you if they perceive you "don't have your #$%^ together".
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I'm prolly gonna start a thread addressing people who do this (Inability to take responsibility)
 
I am doing yoga seven days a week and going to the gym five days a week too lose weight I was losing weight down to 300 pounds. But lately even that's not working. I been gaining weight again even with my exercise back to 305 pounds and going up. Also single woman have not noticed me.
 
When you smile, l think you look nice. Smiles light up people's faces. I think eyes and smiles are very important. I also think the right kind of glasses really elevate a guy's look. Good luck with dating. I work on smiling more, because it makes everybody more attractive and seem approachable. Don't loose all that hard work of losing weight. Sometimes when losing weight, you hit a plateau for a month or month and a half, and you just stay the same. Then it will start coming off. I hit a plateau when l was slimming down. The first year was the hardest. As you age, you need to up your food intake with a lean protein, and cut back on carbs. Protein powder smoothie for one meal a day will really help. You can put a scoop of protein in oatmeal, banana smoothie, mix in cottage cheese or yogurt. I also think where you live has something to do with it. Some places are more single friendly compared to other places. Telling jokes, making people laugh is a good way to break the ice.
 
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Tony Ramirez said:
I am doing yoga seven days a week and going to the gym five days a week too lose weight I was losing weight down to 300 pounds. But lately even that's not working. I been gaining weight again even with my exercise back to 305 pounds and going up. Also single woman have not noticed me.
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What is your caloric intake each day? I use a calorie tracking app on my phone and in true Aspergers fashion, I record all my calories I take in each day, every day; every calorie recorded. I've been doing that for about three years now and that along with regular exercise has kept me at my target weight without much problem.

Single women don't notice you? You do know that's the experience virtually every average looking man experiences from around the age of 25-30 onward, don't you? I even find it amusing actually; to young women, men above that age range are essentially invisible. Women sometimes complain that after age 50 or so, they become invisible or less noticed by men. Again, men can empathize with that because it happens to men decades before it does, in general, with women. It's likely not even inaccurate to say that young men (18-25) who are average looking at best are largely unnoticed by women even in their same age group; essentially "invisible" all along.
 
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Tony Ramirez said:
Also single woman have not noticed me.
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Women don't approach average men. It's not realistic to expect that.

They approach the most attractive 5-10%: the right age, physically attractive (including e.g. well above average height), well dressed, visible wealth or income (or well faked /lol), etc, etc.

And FYI, generally when they do approach they are absolutely terrible at it /lol.
 
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Basically, like any other animal, fish, bird on Earth looking for a mate, if a female is given a choice between several males, how are you going to stand out as the better choice for her? What do you have to do to have a female give you any positive attention? What will make you better than the rest? Again, not a passive endeavor. Are you willing to put yourself through that? Many males of most species never get the opportunity to mate. A form of natural selection, if you will. That's a reality. The harsher reality is that you can't get frustrated with women if the responsibility is upon you. On the other hand, you are an intelligent person, there are things you can improve upon that might grab the attention of woman (already discussed). Then, keeping that woman is not a passive endeavor, either. Give and receive, in kind, and in balance, as well as, communicating accurately with respect to perspective, context, and empathy.
 
What l have slowly learned is that no matter how much you want a relationship with someone doesn't mean anything if they don't want one, they are closed off, or they just maybe don't like you that way. You need to decide - do l still wish to be in their sphere or keeping moving on? Never regret who you meet and become friends with, stay open like this, that's important. That's very commendable that you are working out. I knew a guy who dropped a lot weight of his belly. He had excess skin for about a year, it finally tightened up on it's own but it takes time. So don't drop weight to fast, as the skin gradually tightens. It won't tighten of a person has yo yo-ed alot. Meaning gain, loose, gain, loose, gain, loose. Eventually the skin won't respond anymore unless you were blessed with fantastic genetics. By working on your weight and going to the gym, you will have so much more energy, and a better outlook on life. You may end up getting involved in other things besides church. These other things open up avenues to meeting other woman.
 
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I just seen men at church, in group and on the street uglier than me with an attractive wife or girlfriend but for me I might as well look like the elephant man.
 
Don't say that Tony, you aren't the elephant man. I know you get depressed, but you can't blame it on your looks. Do you think you suffer from low -grade depression? Depression can make you turn inwards and blame yourself for everything wrong. So you have to step outside of you to look at your feelings. I hope l haven't overstepped any boundaries here. It's only offered in kindness.
 
keep in mind both sexes have different things that make them attractive to each other. Men are in general more visual. The reason breasts are the secondary sexual area men notice.
 
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