Am i allowing characteristics of autism to be an excuse?

[Auton]

My gf (24f) and I (26f) have been dating for almost a year and I have been trying to be very accommodating to her needs in relation to her condition. For example, I always tell her if she needs space I will respect it. Or I verbally communicate when I am upset and tell her why to make sure she is aware even though it can be challenging at times.

She is amazing- gorgeous inside and outside. I love her a lot. But often i struggle with situations and responses as to whether its due to her condition or whether it is her. She is high functioning and most people wouldn't know.

Maybe her history of trying to hide it contributes to some of the concerns I'm experiencing. I feel like she has a wall never shares when she is upset, and never tells me what she is up to. I don't mean she has to tell me everything she does but I don't know anything in general.

People ask what's she up to over weekend and I would have no idea. When I ask she is very vague. I feel like I'm being taken for granted sometimes she always prioritises others first. I told her once I had a really bad day and needed her company and she says she will be there to support me. She ended up not coming over because she decided to have drinks with her housemate who she was with all day and sees everyday. Or yesterday she told me she was antsy and needed space and I respected that. I told her that's fine do you want to meet tomorrow instead and she said maybe yes. So I asked her if she could let me know in early morning I don't mind yes or no, but I need to know otherwise I get antsy and anxious myself. She didn't contact me, at around 3/4pm I messaged and asked her. She said she was out with other people. I had seen her on and offline all day. But she couldn't even tell me that she made other plans. It's frustrating and it keeps happening.

I try my best to communicate and I don't feel she is trying very much. I've also had trouble communicating because of the conservative ways I was brought up. It's been hard but I feel like I communicate well with her. I don't know how understanding of her condition do I have to be or whether it is just her.

I am always talking to her about how I feel and what I feel needs to happen. But it seems fruitless. Whenever I ask she just says she's sorry, when she did/didn't do something I ask why it's always I don't know I'm just sorry.

Please advise on what else I need to consider or does it just seem like she doesn't care nor really want to share her life with me.

 

[Keigan]

Welcome.

She might not be into you at this time, it might not be the right time for the two of you to be together, or there could be deeper reasons.

‘I feel like she has a wall never shares when she is upset, and never tells me what she is up to’

Avoiding conflict is a significant Aspie trait. Maybe that is just who she is.... your needs are clearly not being met by the relationship.

You might want to research Casandra Syndrome, specifically emotional reciprocation - i suggest that because you are clearly empathic and your needs surroumding emotional connection are not being met.

 

[Fitzo]

IMHO you seem way more committed to the relationship than she does. I don't think AS is to blame and I suspect you already know that deep down.

That's my two cents!

 

[SusanLR]

‘I feel like she has a wall never shares when she is upset, and never tells me what she is up to’

That is so me.
I can care very much for someone and want to help, but, I don't like feeling obligation and there is a wall no one ever gets beyond with me.
A life of feeling I need to act strong and not needing comfort plus not trusting if I shared my problems would turn them off has led to this.
I don't want to feel I have to tell someone what I am up to all the time. Having someone to be there for me and me for them when needed is fine. But, live like you're free to do what you want, when you want. No explaining needed.
A loner that's never alone.

Having these traits makes a relationship hard, I know.
I had it with my parents. Haven't found it with anyone else.

 

[Auton]

Welcome.

She might not be into you at this time, it might not be the right time for the two of you to be together, or there could be deeper reasons.

‘I feel like she has a wall never shares when she is upset, and never tells me what she is up to’

Avoiding conflict is a significant Aspie trait. Maybe that is just who she is.... your needs are clearly not being met by the relationship.

You might want to research Casandra Syndrome, specifically emotional reciprocation - i suggest that because you are clearly empathic and your needs surroumding emotional connection are not being met.

Thank you i wasnt aware of cassandra syndrome, helps explain and makes sense of some things. Much appreciated

 

[Auton]

IMHO you seem way more committed to the relationship than she does. I don't think AS is to blame and I suspect you already know that deep down.

That's my two cents!

thamk you. I had a hunch but also thought i could be a crazy overthinking female

 

[Fitzo]

thamk you. I had a hunch but also thought i could be a crazy overthinking female

I can relate to that!

 

[Auton]

That is so me.
I can care very much for someone and want to help, but, I don't like feeling obligation and there is a wall no one ever gets beyond with me.
A life of feeling I need to act strong and not needing comfort plus not trusting if I shared my problems would turn them off has led to this.
I don't want to feel I have to tell someone what I am up to all the time. Having someone to be there for me and me for them when needed is fine. But, live like you're free to do what you want, when you want. No explaining needed.
A loner that's never alone.

Having these traits makes a relationship hard, I know.
I had it with my parents. Haven't found it with anyone else.

Its hard if its not two way. Do you want to overcome that lack of ttust and obligation? If so what do you feel needs to happen. Thank you

 

[Bolletje]

My two cents: do you want to be with someone who treats you as an afterthought? This doesn't sound like an aspie problem, it just sounds like someone that only wants to spend time with you when there's nothing more interesting going on, and someone that doesn't care to inform you when plans fall through. You are being taken for granted and/or you are being taken advantage of. Could also be that your girlfriend is just a bit too immature for a committed relationship. I can't answer that for you.

 

[Bella Pines]

Firstly, good going, analysing and trying to understand is the formula for a successful relationship. I'm HFA and female, forties so much older, but I can understand and try to explain how aspies function.

I have been trying to be very accommodating to her needs in relation to her condition.

I feel like she has a wall never shares when she is upset, and never tells me what she is up to.

Firstly, it's a downward spiral using phrases like "her condition". This makes it sound like a disability, like something you would talk about in hushed tones. The "characteristics of autism" as you put it, seem to be a concern to you. The more of a concern it is, the more it will get in the way. Try to view it as a personality trait, it's just a way she behaves, it's not this all-important "condition" that needs to be tip-toed around.

Secondly, these sentences are contradictory. The wall IS her "condition". It's the way she is, truly making "allowances" means simply accepting her for what she is, not making a big deal out of it and enjoying your lives together.

I told her once I had a really bad day and needed her company and she says she will be there to support me. She ended up not coming over because she decided to have drinks with her housemate who she was with all day and sees everyday.

This is her being a cow. HFA is not an excuse to be mean. Sure it's a struggle, communicating and sharing. But if you say you are going to support someone and they need it, you don't drop out for no real reason. Sit her down and talk to her about it, you've clearly bottled it up, so explain to her how that made you feel (calmly and without getting all accusatory)

I try my best to communicate and I don't feel she is trying very much.

This is you being needy. You are looking for something, and she is not giving it to you. But ultimately this is your problem. Watch a Whitney Houston movie and get it out of your system.

does it just seem like she doesn't care nor really want to share her life with me.

It doesn't sound that way at all, aspies care in different ways, through loyalty and familiarity. You are looking for normal neurotypical reassurances. She may never be able to give you the reassurance you are looking for, but that does not mean she doesn't care. If she didn't care, she wouldn't contact you at all.

Best of luck! xx

 

[Auton]

Firstly, good going, analysing and trying to understand is the formula for a successful relationship. I'm HFA and female, forties so much older, but I can understand and try to explain how aspies function.





Firstly, it's a downward spiral using phrases like "her condition". This makes it sound like a disability, like something you would talk about in hushed tones. The "characteristics of autism" as you put it, seem to be a concern to you. The more of a concern it is, the more it will get in the way. Try to view it as a personality trait, it's just a way she behaves, it's not this all-important "condition" that needs to be tip-toed around.

Secondly, these sentences are contradictory. The wall IS her "condition". It's the way she is, truly making "allowances" means simply accepting her for what she is, not making a big deal out of it and enjoying your lives together.




This is her being a cow. HFA is not an excuse to be mean. Sure it's a struggle, communicating and sharing. But if you say you are going to support someone and they need it, you don't drop out for no real reason. Sit her down and talk to her about it, you've clearly bottled it up, so explain to her how that made you feel (calmly and without getting all accusatory)




This is you being needy. You are looking for something, and she is not giving it to you. But ultimately this is your problem. Watch a Whitney Houston movie and get it out of your system.




It doesn't sound that way at all, aspies care in different ways, through loyalty and familiarity. You are looking for normal neurotypical reassurances. She may never be able to give you the reassurance you are looking for, but that does not mean she doesn't care. If she didn't care, she wouldn't contact you at all.

Best of luck! xx

regarding terminology i have always been a strong advocate of person centred language and i contimue to be for others. However she wants to reclaim terms like autistic because she believes its a part of who she is. And it should be individualised and persons opinion should be respected. I cant be so condescending to her and be like society says this so this is what is best for you. I havent bottled situations up. I had an agreement with her at the beginning of the relationship i would communicate all concerns to her and not play games as i as a typical female would. And in that conversation i was very clear on situation and discussed it calmly with her. I am a rehab counsellor i make sure i am aware of defensive communication. Yes i am needy but i am not not overly needy. And this post was to support me in determining whether i should step out because my needs are not being met. I matter too. I am not saying she does not care at all i know she cares at least somewhat. I am just trying to understand situation better.

 

[SusanLR]

Its hard if its not two way. Do you want to overcome that lack of ttust and obligation? If so what do you feel needs to happen. Thank you

I agree it's a two way street in relationships.
But, a lot of times what one wants and expects from the other is not the same as the other wants and expects from you. I have been going through this with the person I live with for almost five years now.
We are senior adults that never married anyone, had a family of our own, or lived with anyone else except our parents until they passed. I was in my 50's. He in his 60's. Both only children with no other close family.
So we really have had a long time to become set in our own lifestyles. Yet at our age, we didn't want to live alone.
So he wants me to be more like him and I just want to live the way that I am most comfortable with, not constantly having my mind on whether everything I say or do is going to please or displease him.

To answer your questions: it would be nice to be able to trust and not feel under obligations which add to worry and stress. The "am I doing what pleases?" or "will I be verbally put down for my actions and words?".
I had the trusting, comfortable, being accepted just as I am with my parents. Guess he did too.
But, that came from being with the same person for over 50 years, from birth on.
It would take someone that is virtually almost identically like minded to be able to feel free and comfortable with now.
50+ years of living with someone vs just a few?
Totally different.

And this post was to support me in determining whether i should step out because my needs are not being met. I matter too

You most certainly do.
How much time are you willing to put into seeing if both of you may merge more comfortably is a question.
Is there another way of life that involves walking away that you might find more satisfying?

There will come a time when you know you have had enough or you feel the tide is turning. Best of luck.

Am I taking down a brick or putting yet
another brick in The Wall?

 

[Bella Pines]

I am just trying to understand situation better.

We're very literal and most of us get confused with generalizations or subjective opinion. We can probably explain her side of the coin better if you ask specific questions, like "why did she react in this way" or "why did she not respond in a certain manner"

determining whether i should step out because my needs are not being met.

That depends on exactly what your needs are. For example, do you want an emotional partner or do you want someone to talk to? What is it you are looking for?

 

[Auton]

Thank you to everyone who gave their perspective. Just to let you know we unfortunately broke up

 

[Bolletje]

Best of luck dealing with the breakup, this can't be an easy time for you.

 

[Auton]

Could it be that easy for her to just switch me off after two days, be like i never existed. That easy to emotionally detach from me when she used to be against marriage but told me i had changed her mind and she could see a future with me. Shes so cold to me now like i did something wrong. I really dont think i did i always accomodated her needs. I didnt make her read between lines, gave her space, communicsted with her, respected her, loved her, built her esteem, encoursged her to spend time with other people when she wanted etc etc. And we only broke up after i asked.her if she would ever want me more and she said no. But shes so cold now to me.

 

[Fitzo]

I know you're hurting at the moment and unwilling to completely let go, but you really have to. The longer you communicate with her the longer it will take for you to heal. You have to try and think about other things to distract yourself from ruminating about the past and wondering where it all went wrong.
It may be that she is genuinely feeling cold towards you or she is just acting that way to discourage further contact. Either way it is only going to hurt you to be anywhere near her.
Stay away. Let yourself heal. Hopefully in time you'll meet someone who really deserves you.

 

[Tobs]

It seems to me like you've accepted (and are trying to cope with) her autism more than she has/is.
When I was first diagnosed, I instantly accepted the label. I felt as if I could identify with the description and a lot of things fell into place with that self-identification.

Clarification:
However, recent events have shown me, that while I was eager to accept the label, it was a lot more difficult to face the problems associated with it. I felt as if I had a pretty good handle on everything. I'm good at verbalizing my viewpoints and experiences (Something I've always found very important to practice, as if to counter my weak connection to other people.). I have never accepted being treated differently and have always tried to mitigate my weaknesses by pure willpower and effort.

Much-too-detailed-sidetrack:
With my recent break-up, I realized that I should have accepted the consequences as well as the identity. I should have asked for that space when I needed time to re-center rather than coping with it the best I could. I should have asked for deterministic rules to clarify responsibilities rather than attempt to be flexible (like a normal person). I should have asked more detailed questions about how she felt, to share her definitions. Rather than trying to imagine how I would feel and act under her descriptions. Because to know how she feels, I need to know how we perceive things differently.

Conclusion:
Those are consequences of being autistic (at least on my part of the spectrum..) which I didn't face because I thought I could mimick normal. It is not true self-acceptance. I accepted, and was even proud, of certain strong aspects of being autistic. But I refused to take into account the weaknesses that were paired with those strengths. In this manner, autism becomes a silent excuse for all sorts of behaviour that I could have had a degree of control over if I had faced them rather than accepted them as limitations.

Rant:
Because my consciousness operates on logic, I fail to understand others' emotions completely and confuse my stance with my own emotions. To clarify here, by stance I mean the logical system I use to interpret how I feel about something. The question "Do I feel good or bad about this?" is answered by answering "Do I consider this positive or negative?", and not through emotional reflection. Emotion is more a...scale of tension or relaxation resulting from the closeness between my true emotions and my stance. I'm sure I have emotions. I've felt them. But not often.

And as I write this and scroll up to read the last few posts. I realize this insight is moot for you. And it turned into quite a rant. I'm happy you moved on. Good luck on your future endeavors.