Am I an oddball? NT guy with ASD girl

[Flustered]

I hope someone else can relate to the hell that is my life.

I rescued my "wife" from an abusive relationship 11 years ago. I knew all along she was "slow" and "goofy" and never received the help she should have gotten as a child, instead she was left endlessly in her room with puzzles and coloring books and literally forgotten about. It is a family joke about going on family outings and realizing upon arrival at their destination, they forgot her at home. They returned to find her still in her room totally oblivious that they had even left. Her bedroom window was road level, and looks out directly at the parking area and she never even noticed them getting in the car and leaving. They do not speak of the 11 years of sexual abuse by a family member because her quietness and withdrawal made her an "easy target." Her family lives @4 miles out the road and to this day has little or nothing to do with her, no, not even holidays.

Her ex husband was a jerk and played on her disability, he openly admitted and laughed about treating his dogs better than her. He got them into legal trouble and I was powerless as I watched the court manipulate her and use her disability against her. She filed for divorce and her embittered husband had no problem using the criminal charges and her disability declaring her "unfit" and putting their 2 yr old son up for adoption.

A VERY brief background bringing me to today. Of course one of her first diagnoses was PTSD after all shes been through. They keep insisting she suffers from depression and every medication they put her on only makes her withdraw more. I argue that she is not "depressed" she is disassociated, she doesnt feel sad, she feels nothing. Her emotional response is the same if the dog dies, or we win the lottery. She was finally diagnosed ASD a few months ago after fighting for years to find someone willing to even test an adult. But, her diagnosis says "although no adult test is available, using the standard test for a younger person it is a reasonable observation that she is in the Autism Spectrum."

I love her and care deeply about her but the strain on the relationship, AND ME is becoming unbearable! One moment she acts her age, 35, the next she is a defiant 12 year old, and the next shes like a 3 year old. She has a college degree, with NO common sense, no concept of money and no concept of time. She does not drive, yet thinks "anywhere" is only 15 minutes away which is not good when we live in the sticks 20 miles from anything. She puts EVERYTHING off until the last minute, then only does just enough to get by.

She does not respond to "hints" or innuendos or even saying something outright. If she doesnt "feel" like doing it, IT DOESNT GET DONE! She sets short term goals? On a whim she decides to bake cookies, first off she is a complete slob! (the 3 year old) she is covered in flour and dough or batter from head to toe like a child, the kitchen is a DISASTER AREA! When the cookies are done baking THATS IT her "goal" is reached and she simply walks away from the mess. Days later, WEEKS LATER I have to come unglued and scream at her to get it cleaned. That makes me demanding, controlling, dare I say "abusive." there is no pleasing me, I dont appreciate that she made me cookies, while I am screaming about the rats, mice, flies and mold appreciating our kitchen! The joys of farm living. She simply doesnt get it.

I dont mind being a problem solver, but I NEED her to work with me a little. I NEED information and when she doesnt tell me anything its a little rough. Finding out we are out of something 5 mins after the stores close. Driving 20 miles home from the grocery store then find out we are out of bread. After figuring out the finances to the penny to make it until payday ... then find out she overdrew her bank account, or forgot to pay something, Or the good old "that guy called, from that place, about that thing." After playing riddle me this for 20 mins to figure out what guy, from what place, about what thing, I learn HE CALLED 3 DAYS AGO! Its gotten so bad I want to scream, and after so many years of it now, I usually do.

I try talking to her, I try yelling at her, I threaten to leave and NOTHING. Her eyes turn black and I can literally see she is not there. She just shuts me out. IF she responds its one of her favorite replies, "I dont know" "I will" "I forgot" or simply "Uh huh" I am so sick of the yelling, but what I am most sick of is the countless hours of nothing, loneliness, futility. She sits for hours on end playing games on her phone about 10 feet from me. There is no interaction, affection, communication, or attention toward me what so ever. Its like I dont even exist. If I make her put the phone down to talk to her (normal conversation) she closes her eyes and goes to sleep.

I am physically disabled and we are extremely co dependent, I could survive alone but at this point I dont want to. She could not survive alone, and family is out of the question. She would either wind up with someone who simply wants her monthly check, or in a group home. I am by no means a saint, but I doubt anyone else would go through what I have, for as long as I have.

I want to walk away, but I worry too much about her fate to actually do it. I am coming to the realization that "this is it" and any hope of things getting better is gone. Over the years I have been told by her family and friends that she is my problem now, my responsibility. I turned 56 yesterday, I want someone to share my life with, not be responsible for, and certainly not a "problem." I wanted to marry her not adopt her. When we met I was new and exciting, she couldnt get enough of me, now I am old news and no longer interest her.

I see so many posts from women with ASD husbands, and I see so many comments telling them to GET OUT NOW! Am I the only guy who wont run from an ASD wife? I love her. I care about her. But I do not want to spend the rest of my life being treated like I dont matter. Two weeks ago I told her in the heat of the moment, I want a girlfriend, someone to touch, to hold, to talk to, who LISTENS and talks back to me, COMPANIONSHIP, somebody to SHARE life with not just "exist" together.

I know its not her fault otherwise I would be gone. I just care far too much about her to kick her to the curb because she is "broken."

Sorry for the long rant, I needed to vent. I hope some of you understand, its so tough when friends dont. They just write it off as a failed relationship and say to move on. We consider each other husband and wife, but in fact we are not legally married. If we were to get married she would lose her benefits. So no "divorce" involved, and no children.

 

[Wolfnox]

First God bless you for caring so much. Second maybe you would do better as roomates? Third maybe you should look around for help. Your on here looking. Maybe she needs another care giver to help carry the load you bare.

 

[Flustered]

Wolf, there lies the problem. Its as if we are roommates and I want more. I have to handle the finances and such so there is just way too much responsibility on my part to make things so "casual" so to speak.

I fantasize frequently about "finding someone" to fulfill my needs while accepting my current relationship, then ask, why burden another with my problem? It would be a poly amorous situation but a completely different kind of "love" NOT JUST SEX! I love my current wife like a sister, a daughter, a best friend, and yes we are "intimate" at times, if you want to call it that. The past few years I have found it increasingly difficult when there is no "feeling" involved. Its literally become a chore neither of us enjoy any longer.

I need someone who touches my mind, my heart, and my soul, not just "my junk."

We actually tried it once years ago, it was great. She and I were intimate, no hiding, no lies, she and the wife were best friends they did everything together. Everybody was happy and cool with it. Then she met another guy. She got pregnant by him, they were bringing drugs into my home, while my wife was still on parole from her criminal issues with her ex. I was livid! The day they stole my car was THE END! They got PHYSICALLY thrown to the curb! The wife and I often comment that we wish we could find another situation like that, but with a very different ending.

 

[Fino]

Is couples therapy an option?

 

[Flustered]

We did couples therapy for a couple years. I got a third party to vent to that acknowledged there is a problem but the wife made no effort to change. She says she "wants" to change but we cant get to the bottom of whether she doesnt see the problem, refuses to see the problem, has no desire to change, or simply refuses to.

She constantly cops the attitude ... Im the one with a problem, so its MY problem. Why should she change, shes perfectly fine the way things are. SHE doesnt have a problem with it.

 

[Fino]

Sounds to me like leaving her is the only way.

 

[Flustered]

Sadly the realist in me agrees I need to leave, but the dreamer in me keeps hanging on for a light at the end of the tunnel. She literally has nowhere to go and I have too much invested here (in the house/land) to walk away.

I know she cant afford or manage this place on her own, and I know a year or so down the road this place would be a bio-hazard and if anyone came in here they would condemn it. Her ex was just as bad, they lived 3 places together before me, 2 have been condemned and demolished and the 3rd should be. DCF took their son when they got arrested, the report stated the home was "unfit for human habitation," neither of them saw a problem with it, and neither lifted a finger to do anything about it.

 

[Cazelle]

Maybe she needs another care giver to help carry the load you bare.

I agree with Wolf Prince, I think you both need support to work with her. Is getting some sort of support worker in an option?

 

[Thinx]

It does sound like your partner has some support needs that you don't want or can't fulfil. It's probably not realistic to expect this to change given the history you describe. It's good that you recognise the codependency, but in a way we are all dependent on our partners, and have to accept their downsides. Expecting them to change aspects we don't like however good a case we can make is not always going to be realistic, sometimes other solutions work though. You probably need to follow up potential solutions that don't involve waiting for her to change and that are more practical and realistic, you have mentioned some ideas already.

I don't mean to be unkind, but we can't have all the things we love about a partner without the downside, and your partner appears to have plenty that you love about her. Forget changing her, try strategies that support you both.

 

[Suzanne]

She does not respond to "hints" or innuendos or even saying something outright. If she doesnt "feel" like doing it, IT DOESNT GET DONE! She sets short term goals? On a whim she decides to bake cookies, first off she is a complete slob! (the 3 year old) she is covered in flour and dough or batter from head to toe like a child, the kitchen is a DISASTER AREA! When the cookies are done baking THATS IT her "goal" is reached and she simply walks away from the mess. Days later, WEEKS LATER I have to come unglued and scream at her to get it cleaned. That makes me demanding, controlling, dare I say "abusive." there is no pleasing me, I dont appreciate that she made me cookies, while I am screaming about the rats, mice, flies and mold appreciating our kitchen! The joys of farm living. She simply doesnt get it.

My first reaction was: why on earth could you not clean the kitchen? But, then I read you have a physical disability. So does this mean you are in a wheelchair and unable to actually do cleaning? It would certain explain why on earth you watched the mess for weeks on end?!

In truth, as I read this, it strongly shouts that you actually might like to chat with my husband. He is an nt and I am the one with aspergers and pretty much what you have described, is me; accepts I have learned a lot.

I was a person that family forgot too, because I was so into my book reading that life past by me. And I was sexually abused too and I HATE saying it, because too many are in this situation.

I did have a little chuckle on reading that she waits til things have gone, before she says they are needed. I am terribly like that too and it winds my husband up. I can now, though, explain that I just don't think of it, until it happens.

The thing is, it sounds like your partner ( because you put: wife in brackets), has been left to her own devices for a long time and it may be too late for her to change. Basically, she has to recognise that she has issues, before she is willing to learn.

I hated being told that my attention was wanted; that my husband wanted me to welcome him back home. It annoyed me, because I just wanted to continue with my obsession, but thankfully, I am able to put myself in other's "shoes" and think how I would feel and that helped lesson the annoyance.

I ran out to my husband, as he was driving to work and he saw me at the last moment, then I receive a text to thank me for running out to him; that his heart is warmed.

Showing affection is very difficult and like you, my husband wants more from me, but in truth, I forget, because it actually feels horribly uncomfortable.

Anyway, if you want, I can talk with my husband and find a way for you two to chat, because really, there is much that echos our life.

 

[Tom]

It sounds like you knowingly took on a mistress over 20 years younger then you with some sort of mental disability. Whom you yell at regularly. Is there anything else you'd like to share?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Stop shouting at her.

Take responsibility for the shopping.

You should be on top of the bread situation.

If you get back from the store to find out you're out of bread -

THAT'S YOUR FAULT.

Accept responsibility for things like that and see how different the world looks,your relationship looks.

You've been together long enough to predict things like that ahead of time.

You're failing her, deciding to diagnose her as a way to avoid what you are responsible for.

Just thought it was worth looking at things through a different lens... no offence intended.

 

[GadAbout]

It's a sad situation. I feel for you, but also for your partner. I think this sort of imbalance occurs in any relationship in which one person is low functioning. The other person gets exhausted over-functioning.

Are you and she getting all the government support you could? In some places, home support workers are involved in establishing a safe, functioning home environment.

You could take a little more control of affairs than you are, of course. Instead of letting her take phone messages, use a private voicemail system that she has no access to. Do not give her access to the bank account. Plan your provisioning (grocery shopping) and have a backup plan for things that run out (like a deep freeze for extra bread, etc.). Plan any trips allowing for extra time for her to get ready - in other words, doctor appointment at 2, takes 30 minutes to get there, then leave at 1, not 1:30.

If she leaves the kitchen a mess after baking cookies, ask her to work with you to clean it up. You might need to tell her what to do. (It sounds like she has a lot of executive function problems.) You might say, "While I wash dishes, could you sweep the floor?" This all needs to be done in a calm tone of voice.

It also might help both of you to use some organizational tools. My partner has dementia. I recently bought a 2' x 3' whiteboard to put our week's activities on. This helps him stay oriented, and helps me not miss important things, as well.

Although you are fully aware of her limitations, you are still feeling angry at them. I think if you can recognize she can't help but let you down, you can free yourself from some of the anger. Yelling is a very bad solution - has it worked? My guess is, it has just made things worse.

Reading my suggestions may have made you angry, too. But you have a no-win situation in that relationship, and functioning better, yourself, may help everybody do better.

 

[anxiety247]

I don't think yelling at her will help. Try being more gentle with her.

Does she still want to be in the relationship? That's probably a good question to ask and see what she wants in return for "helping clean the kitchen" or doing any other thing that you aren't able to do.

Also has she had some kind of therapy for her situation? I've read that people with ASD can get therapy to help them cope and learn how to act in situations.

I've been with an NT and just now learning about ASD which I'm almost positive I have. I admit he gets really frustrated when I'm not able to go out and do things like get groceries or drive the car to places. I try to make up for it in others ways, like paying for all the groceries, paying for meal delivery, etc.

Usually I'm pretty good at cleaning up after myself (I'm actually the one that gets upset at him for making the mess lol). But if he were to yell at me to do something, I would probably be pushed the opposite way. If he was gentle and asked me nicely, and offered to give me a hug in return then I would be more motivated to do it. I don't know if it's an aspie thing, but I HATE it when people tell me what to do and when to do it. I'm more likely to do the thing and enjoy doing it if I'm not feeling pressured. Otherwise it's just stress added on to me.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Seems to me you are aware of her limitations yet still expect her to function as if she did not have them and then get frustrated and angry when she cannot meet your expectations. So you need to base your expectations of her on reality and plan activities accordingly. I agree that you should stop yelling at her- if your expectations of her were realistic and your anger level came down maybe you could stop yelling at her. Make a list of the basic tasks that need to be done and assign as she is capable of doing. You might literally have to write out each step she will have to take to accomplish each task and remember to be realistic. The suggestion to try to get some caregiving help is a good one. Explore the resources available- you may need to get her diagnosed in order for her to qualify but if she's already receiving disability, she must already have some sort of diagnosis which may get her caregiving help. Sounds like you may need to handle all the finances in order to avoid any financial problems. You could give her an allowance and maybe she will learn some basics about handling money if you work with her. Try to focus on the positives for your own mental health. Totally focusing on the negatives can only make you feel bad. Journaling your frustrations and feelings may help you maintain enough calm to stop yelling at her, show some affection for her and start to change some things.

 

[Flustered]

OK to answer suggestions, I have looked into an outside caregiver and this was what I learned, she does not live alone, she is in no way physically disabled, she is CAPABLE of routine daily activities, bathing, cooking, cleaning etc. she CAN cook and clean IF AND WHEN SHE CHOOSES TO! That deems her "self sufficient" and does not require a care giver. That little part of the diagnosis stating "fully functioning" sometimes acts as a barrier.

As far as shopping, she can not drive, and can not handle money, so WE do all the shopping together. Sometimes I goof around and stop directly in front of something I know she wants or needs and look at her, after a moment she snaps at me and says "WHAT?" and I point to the item and say "didnt you just say before we left the house you wanted that?" But seriously, I am responsible for 80% or more of what does get purchased. The problem lies with what I dont know we need, especially when she believes if there is any red in the bottom of the ketchup bottle, we "have" ketchup. As far as bread, I ask if we have bread and get told yes, I get home and ask for a couple sandwiches and get told there is only enough for one. Then believe it or not I have been told, "You asked if we "had" bread, you didnt ask how much" UUGGGG! Now IF I ask if we "have" bread (or milk etc.) and she says yes, I ask either do we NEED bread or HOW MUCH do we have, she mumbles and says "I guess we should get some" or she rattles off exactly how much we have. Her other problem is she will buy only "one" of something, but she has gotten better about that. Literally when we met she would go to the store and buy ONE roll of toilet paper with 3 adults in the house. We "need" toilet paper, if she buys "a roll" of toilet paper we no longer "need" toilet paper, PROBLEM SOLVED. No thought what so ever to the time or distance or gas to the store. No thought at all to whether the store will be open in the hours to come when we run out again. We no longer "need" toilet paper, she accomplished her goal. Now at least "toilet paper" means a 12 or 24 pack. LOL

I am that person that washes each pot or utensil when I am done with it. Use a spice and put it back when I grab the next. If I spill something I clean it up. She can make mac and cheese and there is macaroni on the stove, the floor, in the sink where she drained it, and there it remains. I dont expect her to clean up after me, so why should I have to clean up after her? I take my empty soda can to the kitchen when I get another, they dont pile up around me. Once upon a time we shared kitchen duties until I became too frustrated being watched doing dishes. I learned the more I "helped" with the dishes, the more "I" did the dishes. I cant find anything because she just "stuffs it anywhere" if it is not still laying where she used it last, or she used the last of it and never told me. I get disgusted having to clean just to be able to do something in there. She literally has no problem preparing food 10 or 12 inches from a plate or pot full of mold and/or flies. Now I avoid the kitchen altogether, me going in there never ends well. Most recent kitchen happening, Friday night 9PM she went in the kitchen to "do dishes" about 2 weeks worth of dishes. Finally at 3AM I gave up and went to bed, I went in to say good night and there she was be bopping to the music wiping down a shelf in the fridge, 6 HOURS LATER AND NOT A SINGLE DISH WASHED!

I seem like I am being hard on her, but I am just to my breaking point, I tell her the new anti depressants are making her "condition" worse. I told her doctor they were making her worse and all they have done is up her dose TWICE! She says they "make her feel better" when in actuality they make her feel nothing, she literally walks around in a fog 24/7. Previous rounds with previous meds have had the same effect. The problem now is this time they used a DNA test to determine the best med for "her" so its "scientific" and she really loves this new doctor and anything she says is the gospel.

Now they have thrown out the term "hyper focus" and that is to blame for everything. She is too focused on what she is doing to see other things that need done, or other things PERIOD! She can be cooking, I am 2 rooms away and holler "WHATS BURNING?" she yells back "NOTHING" I respond with "SOMETHINGS BURNING I CAN SMELL IT!" she gets attitude and adamantly yells "NOTHINGS BURNING!" then the smoke alarm goes off. She comes in with her head down and softly says "The burner under the frying pan was too high" when in actuality, she was siting at the table ON HER PHONE not paying attention to the food on the stove. When she gives it 100% of her attention she CAN cook! She can put out a spread for Thanksgiving that is awesome! WHEN SHE WANTS TO!

I knew she had issues when we met. I never thought they were this bad. EVERYONE who knows her longer than I have says she has shown amazing improvement since being with me, people not with her EVERY DAY! even her family. I am forced to deal with it day in and day out, day after day, and I feel like crap focusing on the negative instead of her progress. She says constantly without hesitation I am responsible for who she is today and she is a better person for having me in her life. She has self confidence and inner strength now. She stands up for herself. Sadly it seems the only one she is comfortable "standing up to" is ME. Whenever someone else starts talking to her, she cowers, nods her head and just agrees to everything they say. High pressure salesmen have a field day with her!

The past 2 or 3 years the downward spiral has been disgusting. I blame the meds, I blame that *(&%*%$ PHONE! Over 11 years I saw her through some rough times. Her criminal case and prison term, parole etc. her divorce, the custody battle for her son, completing her college degree, getting her condition diagnosed and her current treatment, we were destitute with little more than the clothes on our backs all but living in my truck when we met. She is not close to her family, but she has their RESPECT now since I got in a fight with her father and brother about referring to her as "the family retard" then with therapy and my help she gained the strength to stand up to them and defend herself.

Now we bought a house, furnished it, have a nice car, and nice things, our bills are all paid and current along with some select "luxury" things shes never had before like cable TV, internet and cell phone, we are far from "prosperous" but we have a sense of "stability" in our lives. It just seems like there is no "crisis" at hand she needs support through, so I serve no purpose. It seems like she has completely given up, and at times I think she is actually using her condition as an excuse for her laziness or lack of interest and ambition. Almost like I was her "escape" from a horrible life, and now her life is good and I am the thing she wants escape from. At least thats how I see it.

 

[GadAbout]

You haven't mentioned any kids you two have together. So that is not a consideration. If you are at the end of your rope, then leave her. Since you are not married, consult a divorce lawyer for the division of property.

You assume she will rapidly go downhill without you, but have you considered that she may repeat history and find someone else to rescue her? Hopefully, someone wealthy enough to provide a full time housekeeper.

Your response to my suggestions about better management shows you were not considering anything I said. You just want to be angry about her not conforming to your expectations. You sound like you want permission to split up. OK. Split up.

 

[Fino]

A large number of those problems seems as if they'd be easily fixed by improving your communication skills. Asking if you have bread and being told yes when you really do have bread is a silly thing to be mad about. You could simply ask how much bread. You could also just know, not expecting her to keep an inventory for you.

 

[Cazelle]

You sound very frustrated, and from what you describe about your situation and how you view it I can see why.

How did you and your partner meet? What drew you to her, what do you love about her now?

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

A couple details nagging at me. First, your thread title says NT, your profile says you're ASD. Which is it? Or am I missing something? Also, three adults in the house? Who's the third, and what's the story with them? (Specifically, why the hell aren't they helping day-to-day?)

I agree the meds may be making things worse (I can personally attest that anti-depressants can do bad things to you), but that's between her and her doctor. I agree that if she's capable, she should help out more--but that's up to her. Take a look at the stuff that you can control. GadAbout and others gave you suggestions for organization and executive functioning, I can give you more. You mentioned polyamory being helpful and her being okay with it--I know prospects aren't great out in the sticks, but you have the internet, explore (if you're both still okay with it, of course). If you can't get a "proper" caretaker or assistant because of her half-assed diagnosis, hire someone to help out with stuff, or downsize to make it more manageable. Vent all you want, but others said it better than me already--either you accept the current reality and do what you can to change it, or deny it and rage at it and watch things stay the same.