musicalman
Well-Known Member
Hi everyone, I'm going to try and explain something which has bothered me for quite a while. I'm wondering how relateable this is I guess.
Over the past few years I have been doing a fair amount of music work. I don't want to come off as arrogant or anything, but I know I have lots of talent. Admittedly I haven't promoted myself seriously, but I am pretty certain that if I did, many good opportunities would await and my talents would be recognized more than they are. What stops me from taking a lot of chances though is being in my own head and not knowing how to get out.
I'll share two examples. The first example is when I'm doing a backing track. For those who don't know, a backing track is basically a version of a song with the vocals or lead instrument removed. Since it's not actually possible to remove instruments from songs very well yet, backing tracks often have to be rebuilt from the ground up, either by a band or on a synthesizer. Put simply, it takes a lot of work to produce a track, especially if you're trying to sound as close to the original song as possible, which is usually what I strive to do.
When I started doing tracks, I used to program each note one by one on my synthesizer. This made my tracks sound a bit mechanical, but it was precise, and allowed me to be as accurate as I wanted. Furthermore it wouldn't risk me doing anything sloppy which would be a nightmare to tidy up. I knew I was making things hard for myself (I easily could've just played the notes, tidied up a few sloppy things and be done), but I was afraid that would just be lazy. I figured I'd hate myself for being lazy, or that others would notice I was being lazy. Still, the programming became tedious and boring, to the point where I almost didn't care, I just wanted a change.
So one day I just said, ya know what, why not? Everyone's gotta give into temptation sooner or later. And I picked a track that was super mundane to me, and just live played all the notes and fixed a few horrendous sloppy things. What I found was that this made it sound livelier, even after I tightened things up a bit. To my delight, I could actually find a balance between a precise/mechanical feel and a lively feel.
So ever since then, I've started doing the rest of my tracks this way. In a sense, I guess I just got over myself. If a track ends up too sloppy and someone complains, I don't have to bow my head in shame and kick myself for being so lazy. I've proven that allowing myself to live play has only had positive benefits for me, not only mentally but audibly too. So I don't feel guilty about experimenting anymore. Of course I still have high standards, but I've taken at least a small part of anxiety off my back, and that feels so... Something. I can't even put a word to it.
I still struggle at times though. For instance when I'm doing guitar strums, I spend way too long programming them because I don't know how else to make them sound how I want. Heaven knows I could find another way, but I'm too worried of compromise, and afraid of how I will feel or how others will feel if I take an easy way out. I know, why be so afraid of the easy way out? Idk, I guess I'm so used to people telling me I need to work hard to get what I want, that life doesn't reward the slackers. Those words echo around in my head far too often.
The second example I'll share is when I play in bands. Sometimes I feel we are not ready for a gig. We mess up a lot on half the songs, to the point where we have to stop and go over what we're doing.
At a gig, we tend to be okay, though we frequently exchange chuckles because we had to improvise an ending, or we got a little lost. The atmosphere is laid back though; we're just in the background. A fumble here and there isn't going to be noticed, so long as we keep straight faces and play with confidence. I really have nothing to fear, since we sound fine, especially if you aren't paying attention. But on every gig we do, I always have this anxiety that we'll have an epic fumble that's obvious to even the most musically illiterate crowd, and that the fumble might be my fault or at least partially my fault.
Part of me is considering asking for a dress rehearsal of sorts. But I've been advised that asking for such a thing in a low key group like this would sound arrogant. It would make people see me as a perfectionist who can't loosen up and roll with things. I have to admit, that's partially true. The thing is though, I'm not a perfectionist in the sense that I need things to be exactly the same way all the time. I don't care about 100 percents, I don't care about spotlessness in everything. especially not in a live music setting. I love jamming, I love improvising and taking different paths, watching people have fun and occasionally mess up. But I do worry about having a planely visible crash and burn moment. Put simply, if I have enough assurance that such a moment won't happen, I'm fine, but as soon as I fear it, I'm tense.
I know these fears and perceptions are stupid, but they're very real things for me. They get better over time if I force myself to confront them, but a lot of it has come back since Covid slowed everything down. I just wish I wasn't dealing with this anymore. It's exhausting to keep pushing it down, it's holding me back and alienating me from productive relationships.
I suppose I'm feeling alone because I haven't been able to share this with others so much. Frankly most people I know, even if they seem to be perfectionists, don't appear to have the anxiety I'm talking about. Or at least they don't mention it.
So yeah, if you relate to this, what's your take?
Over the past few years I have been doing a fair amount of music work. I don't want to come off as arrogant or anything, but I know I have lots of talent. Admittedly I haven't promoted myself seriously, but I am pretty certain that if I did, many good opportunities would await and my talents would be recognized more than they are. What stops me from taking a lot of chances though is being in my own head and not knowing how to get out.
I'll share two examples. The first example is when I'm doing a backing track. For those who don't know, a backing track is basically a version of a song with the vocals or lead instrument removed. Since it's not actually possible to remove instruments from songs very well yet, backing tracks often have to be rebuilt from the ground up, either by a band or on a synthesizer. Put simply, it takes a lot of work to produce a track, especially if you're trying to sound as close to the original song as possible, which is usually what I strive to do.
When I started doing tracks, I used to program each note one by one on my synthesizer. This made my tracks sound a bit mechanical, but it was precise, and allowed me to be as accurate as I wanted. Furthermore it wouldn't risk me doing anything sloppy which would be a nightmare to tidy up. I knew I was making things hard for myself (I easily could've just played the notes, tidied up a few sloppy things and be done), but I was afraid that would just be lazy. I figured I'd hate myself for being lazy, or that others would notice I was being lazy. Still, the programming became tedious and boring, to the point where I almost didn't care, I just wanted a change.
So one day I just said, ya know what, why not? Everyone's gotta give into temptation sooner or later. And I picked a track that was super mundane to me, and just live played all the notes and fixed a few horrendous sloppy things. What I found was that this made it sound livelier, even after I tightened things up a bit. To my delight, I could actually find a balance between a precise/mechanical feel and a lively feel.
So ever since then, I've started doing the rest of my tracks this way. In a sense, I guess I just got over myself. If a track ends up too sloppy and someone complains, I don't have to bow my head in shame and kick myself for being so lazy. I've proven that allowing myself to live play has only had positive benefits for me, not only mentally but audibly too. So I don't feel guilty about experimenting anymore. Of course I still have high standards, but I've taken at least a small part of anxiety off my back, and that feels so... Something. I can't even put a word to it.
I still struggle at times though. For instance when I'm doing guitar strums, I spend way too long programming them because I don't know how else to make them sound how I want. Heaven knows I could find another way, but I'm too worried of compromise, and afraid of how I will feel or how others will feel if I take an easy way out. I know, why be so afraid of the easy way out? Idk, I guess I'm so used to people telling me I need to work hard to get what I want, that life doesn't reward the slackers. Those words echo around in my head far too often.
The second example I'll share is when I play in bands. Sometimes I feel we are not ready for a gig. We mess up a lot on half the songs, to the point where we have to stop and go over what we're doing.
At a gig, we tend to be okay, though we frequently exchange chuckles because we had to improvise an ending, or we got a little lost. The atmosphere is laid back though; we're just in the background. A fumble here and there isn't going to be noticed, so long as we keep straight faces and play with confidence. I really have nothing to fear, since we sound fine, especially if you aren't paying attention. But on every gig we do, I always have this anxiety that we'll have an epic fumble that's obvious to even the most musically illiterate crowd, and that the fumble might be my fault or at least partially my fault.
Part of me is considering asking for a dress rehearsal of sorts. But I've been advised that asking for such a thing in a low key group like this would sound arrogant. It would make people see me as a perfectionist who can't loosen up and roll with things. I have to admit, that's partially true. The thing is though, I'm not a perfectionist in the sense that I need things to be exactly the same way all the time. I don't care about 100 percents, I don't care about spotlessness in everything. especially not in a live music setting. I love jamming, I love improvising and taking different paths, watching people have fun and occasionally mess up. But I do worry about having a planely visible crash and burn moment. Put simply, if I have enough assurance that such a moment won't happen, I'm fine, but as soon as I fear it, I'm tense.
I know these fears and perceptions are stupid, but they're very real things for me. They get better over time if I force myself to confront them, but a lot of it has come back since Covid slowed everything down. I just wish I wasn't dealing with this anymore. It's exhausting to keep pushing it down, it's holding me back and alienating me from productive relationships.
I suppose I'm feeling alone because I haven't been able to share this with others so much. Frankly most people I know, even if they seem to be perfectionists, don't appear to have the anxiety I'm talking about. Or at least they don't mention it.
So yeah, if you relate to this, what's your take?
