Am I Expecting Too Much?

[Sportster]

I suppose this could go here or in the relationships forum. Someone can move it if it's in the wrong place.

Anyway, I've been struggling with my expectations concerning my closest friend. He's married with kids (three older 23, 25, 27 and two little ones 5 and 8), does bookbinding and eBay for an income, and writing; though he's not making money from that . . . yet. He's also the pastor of our house church group, which entails putting together a lesson for each Sunday and a midweek group meeting. All of that is to lay a little foundation of his activities.

One of my pet peeves is not receiving a response to e-mail, especially if it's something I clearly deem important or mention, "I can't wait to hear what you think," or something to that effect. I prefer to send e-mail as I can see what I'm trying to say. Over the phone or on Skype, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts.

Well, [my friend] does not respond to my e-mail. Now I don't expect an answer to each and every one, as I tend to send short messages to share information. What irritates me is when he doesn't respond to what I feel needs a response, especially those that I feel important. By the time he gets around to "discussing it," I usually have forgotten, the moment has passed, or it's too late.

So, are my expectations too great? I'm open to opinion and/or advice, especially from a married perspective since I'm single and maybe am not grasping what it's like for a married man.

 

[Judge]

So, are my expectations too great? I'm open to opinion and/or advice, especially from a married perspective since I'm single and maybe am not grasping what it's like for a married man.

Personally I don't think marriage has much to do with this equation.

To me, it's the reality that all people are not created equal when it comes email etiquette. I suspect most of the people in this community posting probably put a high premium on email as a form of communication. I sure do.

However others (like a member of my family) clearly do not, and use and access only when they simply feel like it. Even trying to get a hold of him on the phone isn't easy either. Not much I can do about it too. Frustrating.

 

[Judge]

Yeah, that sounds like my friend. His oldest daughter handles the eBay correspondence, so I don't think he does e-mail but once every so often. He may read it, but that's it.

It just doesn't register with some folks. Maddening while people like you or I take email totally seriously!

"But it is what it is."

 

[Manuheleku]

I suppose this could go here or in the relationships forum. Someone can move it if it's in the wrong place.

Anyway, I've been struggling with my expectations concerning my closest friend. He's married with kids (three older 23, 25, 27 and two little ones 5 and 8), does bookbinding and eBay for an income, and writing; though he's not making money from that . . . yet. He's also the pastor of our house church group, which entails putting together a lesson for each Sunday and a midweek group meeting. All of that is to lay a little foundation of his activities.

One of my pet peeves is not receiving a response to e-mail, especially if it's something I clearly deem important or mention, "I can't wait to hear what you think," or something to that effect. I prefer to send e-mail as I can see what I'm trying to say. Over the phone or on Skype, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts.

Well, [my friend] does not respond to my e-mail. Now I don't expect an answer to each and every one, as I tend to send short messages to share information. What irritates me is when he doesn't respond to what I feel needs a response, especially those that I feel important. By the time he gets around to "discussing it," I usually have forgotten, the moment has passed, or it's too late.

So, are my expectations too great? I'm open to opinion and/or advice, especially from a married perspective since I'm single and maybe am not grasping what it's like for a married man.

I don't think you are asking too much. I don't do good on phones either, my main means of communication are email and text. Have you tried texting him? Just a suggestion, maybe he's more into short messages where he can go back and forth on with you. I am kind of like that.

 

[WittyAspie]

It sounds like he has a lot on his plate. Maybe his lack of response isn't intentional?

 

[Ladyliss]

Hmm. Maybe revisit with him about why you use email the way you do. I'm NT myself and associate email with non urgent communication, especially if it's a social relationship. For the surgery contact, if have expected a call if the surgery was coming up soon. Not to say that you need to do it his way, just that he may need a reminder about why you do it your way and what it means to you.

 

[Ladyliss]

(Also, the fact that he's apparently forgotten doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care. It's just that his mind and most of the rest of the world appears to work on the same assumption about email being non urgent. If he doesn't respond well to your reminder then I'd say you might need a different friend!).

 

[Suzanne]

Being busy, does not excuse lack of manners! So, no, your expectations are not too high. You asked a specific thing and he could not be bothered to email you back.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I can't stand non-responsiveness or slow responsiveness when it comes to sending something that requires an actual reponse; it just makes me feel like people don't care. This might be the low self-esteem talking, but...it's just how I feel. Honestly, I respond to every text and every email, as promptly as I can. To be honest, my constant neediness actually makes me periodically check for responses! So many of the people I communicate with don't respond to simple "how you been?" messages, or even when I ask a question (granted, how you been is also sort of a question). Other people answer in a matter of days or weeks, which is also very very irksome. I believe in firm etiquette when it comes to this stuff; whenever someone promptly responds it makes me feel like they care about what I have to say, even if it's nonsense! Even one person actually caring about ME who's not a parent always makes the whole difference in the world.

 

[Gracey]

I think e-mail is important to you because it's an effective form of communication for you therefore you will have your own rules about its priority.
I'm guessing there are many people that require a piece of this man. Many things that require his attention. He may be getting around to you?
His own life priorities may come before all else and in life things constantly change, so too might his obligations.

Personally, no, I don't think you're asking too much. I think it was Judge that mentioned above "It is what it is"
It isn't a confirmation of our own worries because there's no solid evidence. There could be a hundred different senarios as to why he hasn't got back to you? Non of which involve what we may suspect?

 

[Ambi]

I suppose this could go here or in the relationships forum. Someone can move it if it's in the wrong place.

Anyway, I've been struggling with my expectations concerning my closest friend. He's married with kids (three older 23, 25, 27 and two little ones 5 and 8), does bookbinding and eBay for an income, and writing; though he's not making money from that . . . yet. He's also the pastor of our house church group, which entails putting together a lesson for each Sunday and a midweek group meeting. All of that is to lay a little foundation of his activities.

One of my pet peeves is not receiving a response to e-mail, especially if it's something I clearly deem important or mention, "I can't wait to hear what you think," or something to that effect. I prefer to send e-mail as I can see what I'm trying to say. Over the phone or on Skype, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts.

Well, [my friend] does not respond to my e-mail. Now I don't expect an answer to each and every one, as I tend to send short messages to share information. What irritates me is when he doesn't respond to what I feel needs a response, especially those that I feel important. By the time he gets around to "discussing it," I usually have forgotten, the moment has passed, or it's too late.

So, are my expectations too great? I'm open to opinion and/or advice, especially from a married perspective since I'm single and maybe am not grasping what it's like for a married man.

I think your expectations of this particular person are too great. Your expectations of what you are seeking from a friend are simply what they are - you need to find someone else to fulfill those expectations, though. He sounds very busy and trying to stay on top of his responsibilities - he is not shifting those around in order to make time to think about and respond to your emails at whatever your schedule of need is. I have had to learn to accept things like this and not take it personally, and not expect other people to fit my schedule/needs - instead, I just observe how I feel about it, and I will get that need met somewhere else if possible. Though you are marking the emails as being important or urgent to signify your needs, he is signifying his needs by only responding according to his own schedule/needs - so I would just pick up on that as a signal from him about his needs and respect those, since it is a two-way street. He's also probably got other people emailing him as well, on top of all of his usual responsibilities. It may simply be that for him, he needs to prioritize his tasks in a certain way in order to be able to handle them the best way for him. I've had to learn this as well as my friends "grew up" and took on further responsibilities and have entire lives outside of me, that I can't go on communicating at the rate or the ways in which we used to. Also, as I have grown in understanding their possible perspective, I myself have learned to limit myself more and have my needs met in other ways, or just learned to meet them myself.

 

[Ocarina]

This is total guesswork but I wonder if he's finding what is asked of him in your friendship difficult to fulfil.
None of us know what is going on inside another person - it may be that he is insanely worried about money, finds his responsibilities with his kids and his family completely overwhelming. Is juggling hundreds of obligations ad infinitum.
As Judge said - it is what it is and perhaps the best solution for you would be to look elsewhere to meet these needs - frustration and the desire to change someone never ends well and resentment could begin to sink in an tarnish your friendship.
If I was you I would attempt a matter of fact conversation asking him why he doesn't reply and giving him a chance to answer without risking being blamed. Taking it another person's behaviour personally is never going to lead to a happy outcome.

 

[Grandmother B]

I suppose this could go here or in the relationships forum. Someone can move it if it's in the wrong place.

Anyway, I've been struggling with my expectations concerning my closest friend. He's married with kids (three older 23, 25, 27 and two little ones 5 and 8), does bookbinding and eBay for an income, and writing; though he's not making money from that . . . yet. He's also the pastor of our house church group, which entails putting together a lesson for each Sunday and a midweek group meeting. All of that is to lay a little foundation of his activities.

One of my pet peeves is not receiving a response to e-mail, especially if it's something I clearly deem important or mention, "I can't wait to hear what you think," or something to that effect. I prefer to send e-mail as I can see what I'm trying to say. Over the phone or on Skype, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts.

Well, [my friend] does not respond to my e-mail. Now I don't expect an answer to each and every one, as I tend to send short messages to share information. What irritates me is when he doesn't respond to what I feel needs a response, especially those that I feel important. By the time he gets around to "discussing it," I usually have forgotten, the moment has passed, or it's too late.

So, are my expectations too great? I'm open to opinion and/or advice, especially from a married perspective since I'm single and maybe am not grasping what it's like for a married man.

You need to just ask him politely if he does not enjoy doing email, and if that's why he doesn't respond, in which case you can find out how he likes to relate; perhaps texting or messaging on Facebook might be more in his line. He may just not be a regular email checker; some people aren't, especially if they are busy. Maybe that will get you a quicker response. Good luck.

 

[zeroninja]

I suppose this could go here or in the relationships forum. Someone can move it if it's in the wrong place.

Anyway, I've been struggling with my expectations concerning my closest friend. He's married with kids (three older 23, 25, 27 and two little ones 5 and 8), does bookbinding and eBay for an income, and writing; though he's not making money from that . . . yet. He's also the pastor of our house church group, which entails putting together a lesson for each Sunday and a midweek group meeting. All of that is to lay a little foundation of his activities.

One of my pet peeves is not receiving a response to e-mail, especially if it's something I clearly deem important or mention, "I can't wait to hear what you think," or something to that effect. I prefer to send e-mail as I can see what I'm trying to say. Over the phone or on Skype, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts.

Well, [my friend] does not respond to my e-mail. Now I don't expect an answer to each and every one, as I tend to send short messages to share information. What irritates me is when he doesn't respond to what I feel needs a response, especially those that I feel important. By the time he gets around to "discussing it," I usually have forgotten, the moment has passed, or it's too late.

So, are my expectations too great? I'm open to opinion and/or advice, especially from a married perspective since I'm single and maybe am not grasping what it's like for a married man.

Unfortunately, having lived with married people especially those with multiple kids, I'd have to say yes. Kids are insane as far as demands on constant time and energy from both parents if parenting is to be done right. Now, add in any relationship troubles and demands from work, extended family, etc and I think you'll see what I mean... Also, from my own personal experience, I've found over the long term, and with many struggles and much heartache, my own expectations of others tend to be way over the top from what they're willing to meet me on. It basically comes down to: I don't expect almost any real consistent reciprocation from literally anyone in any kind of relationship I think I have with them, whatsoever, because that will guarantee I am sorely disappointed. Most don't want a thing to do with me except if some of my struggles move them to pity (because empathy's usually beyond a stretch since they've never been through it) or if they need me for something I'm good at as compared to them (say writing a paper). Otherwise, I don't exist for them in any real sense of the word. Now I'm probably a more extreme example than most or at least some here, so take that for what you will, and with a grain of salt. But, that's been my general perception of any kind of relationship throughout the entirety of my life.

 

[Alaska]

I have learned to pay attention to how others respond best as individuals to communication attempts on my part. I sometimes even make notes so I can look it up if necessary. Some people like emails, some prefer phone calls or text, some still like snail mail letters. The responses are usually better if I use that individual's preferred communication method.

Timing can be important. Some people just do not like contact of any kind more often than once a week, others prefer daily or every other day. I even have some friends that prefer contact intervals of several years.

If I have an urgent need for contact, I sometimes use every single method available to me at once. This usually works, but it is a bad idea to use it very often as people on the receiving end of it can get unenthused about any more contact at all when it is overdone.

Some people will contact you better if you are very frank about how important they are in your life, because NTs are very often unaware of how important their friendship is to us. It can help if one is very blunt and expressive about what a friend means to us.

Sometimes we forget that people on the Autism Spectrum can be as much of a mystery to NTs as they are to us.

 

[Keigan]

Question:

In a two week period, on average how many emails might you have sent him?

 

[Larisa]

I feel impatience when it comes to waiting for a reply to my messages, but on the other hand when I receive the letter with some ideas (or musings) from my friends - I have to take quite a deal of time to consider that. It's just recently I have learnt to answer "I received your letter and I have to think it over" (but if I've immersed really deep into thinking I forget to do that).
In past I used to answer just right now - because I have so much thoughts about my friend's words!
But with years I realised that by answering on spot I write my own thoughts before I really understood the genuine meaning of my friend's words.
Ten years ago I took an offence in case a person not answering me soon, now I don't - I noticed that only AFTER experiencing the flood of my excited ideas that I really is capable to READ the text of the incoming letter as it was meant by the sender.
I suffered so much private embarrassment after realising I got it totally wrong

 

[Keigan]

If everyone did as you are doing, then 5 emails multiplied by the number of people in the congregation would be a full time job just to respond across two weeks. So I think you should consider other paths of support to meet your needs and expectations.

I would speak to your friend and kindly ask him what is the best way to reach him when you truly need to speak with him.

 

[haileyrenee]

I just checked my SENT folder. It shows I have sent five over a two-week period (I've not sent any lately). Of those five, two were such that I thought they should have received a response since they concerned matters we have been discussing. Those two were from July 22 and July 24. There's also one from July 4 that I never received a satisfactory response, but I don't consider that since I gave up on expecting a response.

Unfortunately, I've learned that relying on the consistency and/or concern of a NT "friend" is typically an underwhelming experience. I truly wish you luck.

 

[dragonwolf]

but then he doesn't work a real job like me and he has a wife that cooks, cleans, etc, etc where as I have to do all that myself in addition to working a grueling eight-hour day

I'm going to stop you right there.

Do you know exactly what he does with his days? Just because he doesn't go to an office to work for someone else doesn't mean he doesn't work or that his work isn't "real". In fact, I'll put money in that says he works more than you do, just from what you've put here.

He's balancing running a business, being a pastor (which involves researching and writing sermons, counseling people when they need it, and outreach, among other things; and that doesn't include the business aspects of running a church), writing as another source of income (which is a different beast from writing as a hobby), and raising a family. Every one of those is (or can be) a full time job unto itself.

In light of that, I think that while it's reasonable to ask for a response (and if you're expecting it in a certain time frame, then be up front about it, "I could use a response from you by Wednesday"), it's not reasonable to expect a response in your timeframe without telling him so, then getting upset when he either doesn't respond or responds in his own time.

If you've forgotten the topic, that's on you, but the email history should be there to review and refresh your memory.