JohnnyRock
Member
Hi Guys, my whole life iv felt like I'm different, like people don't understand me and something is wrong. I'm wondering if someone can give me some advice on what they think, I have a cousin who has Aspergers and I have always felt like I'm similar to him in some ways.
This is fairly long so I don't expect you to read it all, I just started writing this on my phone and It ended up in a lot of detail and thought I should post it somewhere..
I have always found it extremely difficult to keep a conversations going with people, I find it hard to concentrate when people are speaking to me which makes it very difficult to remember things I have been told. This makes it hard to make conversations with people as I often forget things about events/interests in their daily lives.
When I do speak I predominately talk about myself and my interests because of this but I also try not to overdo in too much detail it with people I don't know very well as I don't want to come off as only being only interested in myself. I want people to tell me about themselves but I have a very hard time with what to ask them to get them to tell me these things.
When first trying to get to know someone I ask a lot of questions but can never really follow up after they answer me, it's more like I'm following a list of what to ask someone, copying a set of rules on how to talk to people but lack the skill to keep things going.
I find it difficult to look at people in the eye, I will drift to another part of their face or stare into space in the fear that I'm staring at them.
I find I do eventually start to get along with people when forced to see them on a regular basis but have difficulty to organise or do anything outside of that situation. There have been a select few at work that I think I get along quite well with (after many years of working with) but as soon they leave, change stores I have a bad habit keeping in touch and end up dropping off all communication with them in the fear they don't really see me as a friend and will question why I'm contacting them or don't really know how to contact them correctly.
On the other hand the very few friends I do have, I become extremely attached, and do start to feel comfortable with. Although I'm still often quiet and sometimes show no emotion with them.
These people probably don't see a problem with me as they have no idea what I'm like when interacting with new people and don't realise this quiet, apparently emotionless person is what I'm like 95% of the time with new people. The people I'm close with also see me the majority of the time when I'm drunk/high - and that gets me to the next point.
I have an addictive personality, iv been smoking for 7 years and I have had a love/hate relationship the whole time and been trying to quit ever since I started but my anxiety has always driven me back.
I have had some trouble with substance abuse, I don't even like to drink on my own but I abuse it in social situations. I used to be a massive stoner as I also felt this alleviated my social awkwardness but eventually it made me more awkward and no longer had any benefit so I stopped easily.
MDMA - Its pathetic but the first time I tried ecstasy I thought to myself "Is this how normal people are suppose to feel?" I felt like I could finally get my point across to people and show how much I care for people, I know that it helps everyone express themselves more but for me I just felt like a normal person for first time. Iv always cared so much about my friends and family but never been able to show it and ecstasy allows me to do that.
I do usually remember everything that I have done or said on mdma and I rarely regret any of it. The next day I usually think "good job Sean, you have finally said the **** you've been thinking for the last few months"
I have always had great difficulty in learning through regular means, iv never enjoyed being taught in person. Although I do think I have a passion for learning on my own. I usually use the internet for this, I know what sources to look for, what information is reliable or not, and I feel like the majority of what Iv learnt my whole life comes from the internet. I don't think I learnt a anything in school. I always have so many questions even the stupidest little things and I've always turned to the internet to look for the answers.
My general knowledge is terrible, I was always awful at basic math (still am), basic geographic locations, remembering people and major historical moments. I remember when I was in primary school I used to go into extreme panic when a teacher would ask me a simple addition or multiplication or where a simple city like Perth was located. I'd sit there freaking out, heart pounding, face turning into a beetroot.
Once I got to about year 8 and was aloud to use a calculator I realised I was actually quite good at maths which I didn't think was even possible for me. I found more complex problems a breeze. I loved algebra and saw it as a fun puzzle to solve.
In maths I would always bludge the whole lesson with my friends and get in trouble for not doing any work and the teachers would get pissed off and tell me I was going to fail but I always came out with a high result where my friends would fail miserably.
At the same time I never actually learnt anything during class, any maths subjects I would still have a hard time understanding at the time as I wasn't able to concentrate to what my teachers were saying. It wasn't until I got home and learnt it myself that I realised what was going on.
My parents used to try to push me to be an artist, but what they never realised is I lack creativity and imagination. Every single piece of artwork that I have done was a copy in some way or another. A copy of a live model and recreating that on paper, copying an image and redrawing it in a larger proportion, copying ideas from the internet and then creating my own art from that idea. My artworks looked good but I felt it was always more technical than creative.
Ive always become very obsessed with things that strike my interest. Computers and the Internet for one has been my longest obsession that has never really faltered. But for the most case my interests come and go. Sometimes I can become extremely addicted with one thing and it will take over my thinking for a certain period of time where I find it difficult to think about anything else and then all of a sudden I'll find something new to look into and forget all about the prior interest.
I feel as if I'm very close minded but smart when it comes to the things I enjoy. I also don't think anyone would agree with this and a lot of people see me as stupid probably because I have a hard time getting my point across or talking in detail about the things I love. I often turn to forums to discuss my interests as they typically aren't the interests of most people.
Maybe there's nothing wrong with me, maybe I'm just self absorbed and can't stop worrying about myself, but i don't enjoy being this way. I love people but I don't feel like I can relate.
This is fairly long so I don't expect you to read it all, I just started writing this on my phone and It ended up in a lot of detail and thought I should post it somewhere..
I have always found it extremely difficult to keep a conversations going with people, I find it hard to concentrate when people are speaking to me which makes it very difficult to remember things I have been told. This makes it hard to make conversations with people as I often forget things about events/interests in their daily lives.
When I do speak I predominately talk about myself and my interests because of this but I also try not to overdo in too much detail it with people I don't know very well as I don't want to come off as only being only interested in myself. I want people to tell me about themselves but I have a very hard time with what to ask them to get them to tell me these things.
When first trying to get to know someone I ask a lot of questions but can never really follow up after they answer me, it's more like I'm following a list of what to ask someone, copying a set of rules on how to talk to people but lack the skill to keep things going.
I find it difficult to look at people in the eye, I will drift to another part of their face or stare into space in the fear that I'm staring at them.
I find I do eventually start to get along with people when forced to see them on a regular basis but have difficulty to organise or do anything outside of that situation. There have been a select few at work that I think I get along quite well with (after many years of working with) but as soon they leave, change stores I have a bad habit keeping in touch and end up dropping off all communication with them in the fear they don't really see me as a friend and will question why I'm contacting them or don't really know how to contact them correctly.
On the other hand the very few friends I do have, I become extremely attached, and do start to feel comfortable with. Although I'm still often quiet and sometimes show no emotion with them.
These people probably don't see a problem with me as they have no idea what I'm like when interacting with new people and don't realise this quiet, apparently emotionless person is what I'm like 95% of the time with new people. The people I'm close with also see me the majority of the time when I'm drunk/high - and that gets me to the next point.
I have an addictive personality, iv been smoking for 7 years and I have had a love/hate relationship the whole time and been trying to quit ever since I started but my anxiety has always driven me back.
I have had some trouble with substance abuse, I don't even like to drink on my own but I abuse it in social situations. I used to be a massive stoner as I also felt this alleviated my social awkwardness but eventually it made me more awkward and no longer had any benefit so I stopped easily.
MDMA - Its pathetic but the first time I tried ecstasy I thought to myself "Is this how normal people are suppose to feel?" I felt like I could finally get my point across to people and show how much I care for people, I know that it helps everyone express themselves more but for me I just felt like a normal person for first time. Iv always cared so much about my friends and family but never been able to show it and ecstasy allows me to do that.
I do usually remember everything that I have done or said on mdma and I rarely regret any of it. The next day I usually think "good job Sean, you have finally said the **** you've been thinking for the last few months"
I have always had great difficulty in learning through regular means, iv never enjoyed being taught in person. Although I do think I have a passion for learning on my own. I usually use the internet for this, I know what sources to look for, what information is reliable or not, and I feel like the majority of what Iv learnt my whole life comes from the internet. I don't think I learnt a anything in school. I always have so many questions even the stupidest little things and I've always turned to the internet to look for the answers.
My general knowledge is terrible, I was always awful at basic math (still am), basic geographic locations, remembering people and major historical moments. I remember when I was in primary school I used to go into extreme panic when a teacher would ask me a simple addition or multiplication or where a simple city like Perth was located. I'd sit there freaking out, heart pounding, face turning into a beetroot.
Once I got to about year 8 and was aloud to use a calculator I realised I was actually quite good at maths which I didn't think was even possible for me. I found more complex problems a breeze. I loved algebra and saw it as a fun puzzle to solve.
In maths I would always bludge the whole lesson with my friends and get in trouble for not doing any work and the teachers would get pissed off and tell me I was going to fail but I always came out with a high result where my friends would fail miserably.
At the same time I never actually learnt anything during class, any maths subjects I would still have a hard time understanding at the time as I wasn't able to concentrate to what my teachers were saying. It wasn't until I got home and learnt it myself that I realised what was going on.
My parents used to try to push me to be an artist, but what they never realised is I lack creativity and imagination. Every single piece of artwork that I have done was a copy in some way or another. A copy of a live model and recreating that on paper, copying an image and redrawing it in a larger proportion, copying ideas from the internet and then creating my own art from that idea. My artworks looked good but I felt it was always more technical than creative.
Ive always become very obsessed with things that strike my interest. Computers and the Internet for one has been my longest obsession that has never really faltered. But for the most case my interests come and go. Sometimes I can become extremely addicted with one thing and it will take over my thinking for a certain period of time where I find it difficult to think about anything else and then all of a sudden I'll find something new to look into and forget all about the prior interest.
I feel as if I'm very close minded but smart when it comes to the things I enjoy. I also don't think anyone would agree with this and a lot of people see me as stupid probably because I have a hard time getting my point across or talking in detail about the things I love. I often turn to forums to discuss my interests as they typically aren't the interests of most people.
Maybe there's nothing wrong with me, maybe I'm just self absorbed and can't stop worrying about myself, but i don't enjoy being this way. I love people but I don't feel like I can relate.
Anyway, I've decided what I'm best at is technical writing. I can explain a process like nobody's business. Maybe you can put your artistic ability to some use that doesn't require you to create something new?
I probably shouldn't have used the term "normal" not that i want to be that either. I am happy with who i am, i just get a bit upset from time to time as if i feel no one really understands me even though having people around makes me happy when i really know a person. I don't know if i have aspergers, i have always avoided going to see someone about it as iv always worried they'll just shrug it off and think I'm over reacting or making things up / or tell me everyone has some level of anxiety in some form like my family tells me. I'm not even sure if i want to know, i have struggled a lot in my career life and I'm worried if i find out i have some kind of disorder then i may use that as an excuse to give up. At the same time it would help for my family / friends to understand me.
