An Acquaintance of an Aspie / Newbie to Site

[KPR]

Hi,
I found this site out of desperation, and, up until recently, I hadn't known know that there were forum sites for Aspies, their associates, families and friends. For now I just want to say that parents who remain in denial that their child has Aspergers, or, other forms of spectrum autism, does a great disservice to their child, as well as to society. I know a young man who I am totally sure has a form of autism, most likely, Aspergers, as most of his symptoms match the criteria for this specific spectrum of autism. To cut to the chase, his behavior has caused immense chaos in the lives of people he interacts with, either on a personal level, or involving his job, and/or various projects he might work on with others. My own life, as well, has been adversely affected by the negative attributes of his disorder, especially the aspects involving a lack of empathy, compassion, and consideration, as well as a general lack of responsibility, unless it involves an activity that he is personally interested in. He had told me quite a few times that, when he was a child, his parents had him tested for ADHD, as well as for general learning disabilities. These tests had been given due to his behavior in school, including his inability to successfully complete his assignments. (Needless to say, though, like many Aspies, he found ways to develop what turned out to be a high intelligence, with outstanding abilities in the specialized areas that he is interested in.) The results of those tests he had been given as a child showed a high probability that he was autistic, and the examining doctor had told this to his parents. He told me that his parents' response to this news had been to, basically, minimize it by laughing and shrugging it off. This surprised me because his parents are bright, high-functioning people, but I also understood their inappropriate reactions to be their form of denial. Based on my observation of him for over a period of 5 years, I can safely say that he universally meets almost all of the diagnostic criteria for Aspergers, so I am not inquiring here about such. He is also past 25 y.o. so he can be considered of adult status. I am absolutely sure that, as an adult, he certainly would never consider going on his own, for a diagnosis. So, his autism had/has never been addressed and confronted through proper medical and psychological intervention.I am not in a romantic liaison with him, not have I ever been; I have had a friendship with him based on mutual interests in certain areas, including social events. There is also an immense age difference between us, with myself being the older. At this point, due to his behavior, I sadly no longer consider him a "friend", and, in my mind, have reduced him to either an "associate", or, "acquaintance", although, at times our past rapport had aspects of what seemed to me to be real friendship. I do not take well to abuse of any kind, even if done in a passive sort of way. I would not go as far as to say that, currently, his life is a, "total mess", but, besides the aforementioned traits, he also has been, typically, unable to form close romantic/intimate liaisons with women, and he is also living with his parents and is dependent on them (although he emphatically denies his indigence). He also has health concerns, including obesity, and dresses in a manner that is befitting of a rebellious teenager. I seriously doubt that he will ever be able to live an independent adult life of his own, that is, one of standing on his own two feet, and being accountable and responsible for his choices. I write this out of frustration over having dealt with him for a substantial amount of time, and having been a naive victim of his negative Asperger's traits (Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome / Cassandra Phenomenon - OTRS/CP), as well as exasperation at his parents' enabling his immature and irresponsible behavior. Unfortunately for me, I am still "tied" to him through certain projects and "loose ends", although I no longer live in close proximity to him. So, that is my story in regards to how ignored autism has affected my life, but, more importantly, I am trying to convey the importance of parental responsibility if their child has been diagnosed with a form of autism. Thanks for listening, and I am glad that this site exists for Aspies and all of the people in their lives!

 

[NateSean]

First off, welcome to the boards. I've only been here a couple days myself but I also frequent the Wrongplanet forums as well as the facebook forum of the same name.

The beauty of the Internet is that there's a website for everyone. If you're into potato farming, pipe fitting, photography or if you like taking pictures of potato farming pipe fitters, there's a website for you. So when in doubt, google it. And when Google yields nothing find a free forum builder and start one of your own.

Now, onto some of your remarks. I appreciate that being with this one person has been frustrating and that it is a contributing factor to your views on this diagnosis. But definitely don't let this one person bias your opinion of every single person who has Asperger's syndrome. There are no cookie cutter Aspies and no two are ever alike, even if they seem to have the same symptoms. Assuming this from the get go can actually be more harmful than helpful.

Also, while I don't want to be combative or make you feel like you have to be on the defensive, I would like to make a few responses to some points in your posts.

For now I just want to say that parents who remain in denial that their child has Aspergers, or, other forms of spectrum autism, does a great disservice to their child, as well as to society.

There is a line between out right denial and between letting your child figure things out for themselves. My mother did plenty of research of her own, but she never held my hand or made me do something that I was adamant about doing. As long as my actions didn't bring the police to her door I was pretty much in the clear inspite of what school officials kept hassling her to do. (IE, medicate me, among other things.)

I know a young man who I am totally sure has a form of autism, most likely, Aspergers, as most of his symptoms match the criteria for this specific spectrum of autism.

A lot of those symptoms, especially taken as a part of how you've described your relationship with this person could also be attributed to Bipolar disorder. So while you may full well have read up on Aspergers, unless you are a trained psychologist, you actually can't be one hundred percent sure of what his problem might be as those symptoms can apply to many disorders.

His parents attitude during his upbringing may have contributed to his more disruptive behavior as well, which again is not something unqiuely tied with Asperger's. I have personally never heard of OTRS or CP although many acronyms were applied to me. My mother scoffed at Oppositional Defiant Disorder for example because, in her words, "I hope he's oppositional and defiant because I don't want him living with me when he's forty."

But everyone is different. While my life hasn't been perfect I'm also not entirely unhappy with it and I don't bring other people down with my own personal drama. So just be aware that many people have varying levels of the diagnosis and that based on the information you have given in this post, you have only dealt with a small sampling of a person who may or may not have it.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

Welcome to AC, KPR!

 

[Arashi222]

Welcome to AC. I hope that you find us informative and supportive. As NateSean said there are varying degrees of of Asperger's even with similar symptoms. Its a spectrum disorder. I just stopped by to say hey and let you know that we're here if you need to talk or ask questions.