an annoying acquaintance

[paloftoon]

There's this person I knew in undergrad decades ago. We didn't clique and moved on in our own lives.
Many decades later, I was chosen to be in an online review community with privileges, and I've encountered this person again. With the re-introduction of us in the fold again, I slowly opened up and ask about running (one of his interests) and reviewing a new place or a place of interest together. He brushed these things off or flaked out on me, but then he still keeps pestering me in-person even though I've tried to keep my distance and even unfriended him (but not blocked) on the review site.

In one of my conversations with him, he talked about how the review community was so great and how one could make so many new friends and have a lot of fun. I told him that I've been in the community for years and regardless of context, so many people are so paranoid even if they have things in common and just don't want anything to do with me. Him saying this traumatized me emotionally.

What I'm telling you on here now, I wonder if I should try to just write him online at this point or wait until I run into him again in-person and try to remember to mention some/all of this. I feel like he'd cut me off. He doesn't want to be friends- fine, but don't keep bugging me with small talk at this point. He really crossed my personal boundaries when he said he'd reach out to meet up somewhere and never followed through for an entire 3 month period when I'd been trying slowly to connect for years before that. I just want to distance myself as much as possible. He's a prominent part of the review community. Thoughts?

 

[paloftoon]

Friend told me I should tell this person in-person and keep it light unless asked for specifics. I agreed with friend that this person probably doesn’t realize I am upset but my friend also completely understands why I am upset too.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

I agree, it sounds like this is an in person conversation.

Do you have other friends in this review community? Do you do it because you enjoy the activities? Or do you like that you're providing insight for other people who are interested in the experience? Try to remind yourself what got you interested in joining this group the first place, and don't let this interaction taint that.

If I were in your shoes I know it would be taxing to do things that I thought this person might be at. I would try to just focus on the things I enjoy, whether that's other relationships in the group or the service of providing insight into the experience. Try as much as possible put the strangeness of that relationship out of your mind.

 

[paloftoon]

I agree, it sounds like this is an in person conversation.

Do you have other friends in this review community? Do you do it because you enjoy the activities? Or do you like that you're providing insight for other people who are interested in the experience? Try to remind yourself what got you interested in joining this group the first place, and don't let this interaction taint that.

If I were in your shoes I know it would be taxing to do things that I thought this person might be at. I would try to just focus on the things I enjoy, whether that's other relationships in the group or the service of providing insight into the experience. Try as much as possible put the strangeness of that relationship out of your mind.

I've been in this review community for 4 years now. I've only made one "almost" quality friend and another "half" friend. Everyone else I'm neutral with or they don't bother me or make false promises. I've thought about quitting, but I enjoy the events and freebies themselves too much. If I stop getting picked for events or stop enjoying the events, then I would probably quit because there isn't enough potential social capital enough for me to continue otherwise.

I've quit some other things that I didn't want to, but it was the right thing to do for me. Maybe if I learn some of my own board games more, I can pop in to this or that meetup and try to play it with others or sell it off. I know that with my remaining time in my life, I want the chance to build deeper friendships or I don't want to waste my time if it isn't for work.

There's one person I've grown to hate because she and her husband purposely ignore but they think it's okay to say "hi". It was bad enough that I wrote a private message to her through the review community to leave me alone- detailing why and questioning why she would approach me if she only want to socially mistreat me from the beginning.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

I've been in this review community for 4 years now. I've only made one "almost" quality friend and another "half" friend. Everyone else I'm neutral with or they don't bother me or make false promises. I've thought about quitting, but I enjoy the events and freebies themselves too much. If I stop getting picked for events or stop enjoying the events, then I would probably quit because there isn't enough potential social capital enough for me to continue otherwise.

I've quit some other things that I didn't want to, but it was the right thing to do for me. Maybe if I learn some of my own board games more, I can pop in to this or that meetup and try to play it with others or sell it off. I know that with my remaining time in my life, I want the chance to build deeper friendships or I don't want to waste my time if it isn't for work.

There's one person I've grown to hate because she and her husband purposely ignore but they think it's okay to say "hi". It was bad enough that I wrote a private message to her through the review community to leave me alone- detailing why and questioning why she would approach me if she only want to socially mistreat me from the beginning.

I'm sorry about the person ignoring you, it's frustrating to get bait and switched like that. Hopefully you're able to make some quality friendships there, and if not, then it sounds like it will be healthy to spend your energy elsewhere! Good luck!

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Are these people NTs? I ask because I’ve found statements like we should get together, or saying hi and chit chat are just sounds they make to grease the social interactions. They mean nothing.

If you can learn to let that stuff slide, you’ll find social interactions easier.

 

[paloftoon]

Are these people NTs? I ask because I’ve found statements like we should get together, or saying hi and chit chat are just sounds they make to grease the social interactions. They mean nothing.

If you can learn to let that stuff slide, you’ll find social interactions easier.

They are NTs, yes.

I'd had people on the spectrum behave like this with me too. Maybe less common, but people on the spectrum do this too. If they were originally interested in me as a potential date or fwb and then changed their minds, instead of being able to be honest about that, they just pretend they are busy and/or are socially anxious. I don't assume this but when so and so tells you they were with other people or they are online a number of times and are just ignoring my messages, then I know. I only write 1-2 messages if I'm starting to get to know someone- many of the communication platforms allow me to see when someone is online. I don't try to look for them online specifically, but I just go about my day as I usually do. If I notice this pattern, I typically unfriend but do not block after 3 days- 1 or 2 weeks, usually 3 days if the communication hasn't been a lot.


If someone gives me talk like that, but if they never mention anything about getting together on a 1-1 level, then I can be more neutral. But if they do "the potentially deeper socially remark but then they slight me" thing or the social bait and switch that's when I feel more uptight. Basically, these are people I need to start to distance myself and it might be to the point I have to express my boundaries in-person.