An autistic person's Christmas: not bah humbug, just bald incomprehension

[AGXStarseed]

(Not written by me. It's important to point out this is only one autistic person's experience of the Christmas period. We're not all the same, don't all respond the same and don't all get baffled by Christmas. We're all as individual in our preferences as the Neurotypical population).


The festive season can be a minefield of social expectations – for people with autism, being allowed time out might be the greatest gift of all.


‘I’m reasonably tolerant of the additional noise, sparkly lights and overload of red and white these days.’ Photograph: Zuma Wire/Rex Shutterstock

Sometime around the beginning of December my colleagues start to speak a foreign language – Christmasese. I can’t help thinking that for those of us who are autistic it should come with a phrase book of ready-made questions and answers. But it doesn’t, so we get through as best we can.

At work it’s the social side of Christmas that proves most challenging; the “let’s all have a merry little Christmas time”. While I’m reasonably tolerant of the additional noise, sparkly lights and overload of red and white these days, there are questions I’ve learned to dread. Top of the list is “Have you got all your presents yet?” I find it hard to explain to people whose Christmas budget may run into thousands that my list looks like this:

1. Turnip (horse)
2. Pig’s Ear (dog)
3. Catnip (neighbour’s cat)

I’ve opted out of the Secret Santa this year for everyone’s benefit.

Ditto the office party – I’m done with skulking in a corner with a glass of wine and a book while others are snogging under the mistletoe. As I don’t do relationships, understand the urge to snog, or particularly care who cops off with whom in the cleaning cupboard, the event tends to be wasted on me. It isn’t so much a case of bah humbug as bald incomprehension.

Another question that requires a cognitive shift from the autistic world to the neurotypical world is: “Will you be spending time with family?” I usually manage an airy “I’ll probably pop over to mum’s for lunch” but the question brings me up short. Family is a double-edged sword, a tricky tightrope walk between social overload and social inclusion. Facing them en masse for Christmas dinner does not fill me with good tidings. It’s only in the past few years that I’ve felt able to cope with a family do at all. This year I will time my stay to two and a half hours precisely before I grab the turkey remnants for the dog and run. Pulling the turkey wishbone with myself back home seems to sum it up.

I know that for the isolated Christmas can be hell – the Samaritans responded to nearly 200,000 calls over the festive period last year – and I’ve been there too. I’ve done stints on stomach pumps in A&E surrounded by narked-off nurses bristling with tinsel and unspoken annoyance that I was coming between them and their Christmas pudding. On one occasion, a sister breathed sherry fumes all over me and repeatedly misfired getting a drip in my arm, slurring out words of wisdom to the effect of: don’t worry, you’ll probably make some friends next year.

But this year I won’t be ringing the Samaritans or heading to a hospital emergency unit – I haven’t needed to since I came to see Christmas for the massive, in-yer-face social construct it is. When I finally saw the absurdity of feeling that I should be at the party while never quite seeing what the party had to do with me, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The fact is I’m not unhappy at Christmas these days – just with having to field the implied social expectations that go with it.

Back in the safe isolation that is home, holed up with a decent book and a concessionary mince pie, it ceases to be problematic. I’ve come to see that closing the door on the world in all its festive fuss is an opportunity to go on a retreat. It is space to heal the fragmentation from the sensory and social battering that being in the world causes me. Home alone at Christmas equates to time out. For people with autism, being allowed some time out this Christmas might be the greatest gift of all.


Susan Dunne has Asperger Syndrome. She writes and talks widely about autism and is the author of A Pony in the Bedroom. You can follow her on twitter @sueandspot.

If you need help this Christmas, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 in the UK. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries can be found here.


SOURCE: http://www.theguardian.com/social-c...stistic-christmas-festive-social-expectations

 

[Warmheart]

Yup. Heavy, unfathomable social obligations, confusion pressures to spend time with groups, baffling expectations regarding gifts and gifting, cards, etc. I just want quietude, peace, and a chance to avoid such confusing expectations. I know some NTs think they feel the same way, but for me, it's a matter of being able to comprehend, and not being wired to navigate the social expectations at all. Too confusing and overwhelming.

Do I love the people in my life? I love them very much! I hope they know this, feel this, and understand that I simply require quietude to get through such a challenging time.

A nature walk in the fresh wintry air, then indoors for time with my dog, my cat, a great book and a hot cup of tea make Christmas perfect!

 

[Datura]

I've always kind of liked Christmas. But then, I've never had to go to a company Christmas party, and my family celebration is pretty low-key these days.

If nothing else it's something to do. Shoping for presents gives me an excuse to get out of the house, which is something I direly need right now, lest I become totally agorophobic. I won't lie, it was a bit difficult this year. In the mall, a couple of days ago, my eyes started to hurt, I felt nauseous and overheated, and found it hard to think. I came back from my trip with a splitting headache and had to go to bed early. Other years haven't been like this, I think because I was more accustomed to going out.

On the other hand, making the house extra cozy and sparkly also helps to stave of off the "winter blues" for me. This year hasn't been so bad, but where I live winter is a rather long and bleak season. Deprived of being able to spend time outside among flourishing plants and animals the Christmas tree and and other deccorations kind of serve as a serogate garden. I also enjoy decorationg and baking for the season. Christmas is one of those rituals that marks the passage of time and connects me to fond memories.

 

[artfull dodger]

Christmas time for me is best spent getting out my father's Lionel set from when he was a boy and running it around the track under the tree. The smell of the ozone from the old electric motor and the sounds are full of memories. I can get lost in that world inside my head for hours. Its very relaxing, even if the noise of the train drives my wife nuts. Family gather is a minefield, but they all know I am Aspie, and when I disappear to the other room to quietly watch TV or read the news paper. I am left alone to process and recover. It helps that my younger sister works with autistic children, she knows all to well the need for a quiet place to regain ones composure. Mike

 

[AsperDragon]

Christmas, for me, exists only as a vehicle for which to have a Doctor Who Christmas Special....beyond that...its all a big lie to make money off people....to me, at least. Oh, and don't expect me to be complicit in lying to your children with you. You may find it a harmless tradition but i find lies to be distasteful, and dishonest and so i will reserve my lying for when i feel the reason is appropriately valid and important to warrant distatseful behavior...not because you want to scare your child into good behavior with the idea that a paternal authority figure is always watching them and always judging them. So i mostly leave christmasy people alone this time of year, so long as they respect my views of non compliance in regards to Xmas. If they persist in trying to inject their Xmas spirit into me, then i will respond with injecting a dose of my reality into them....then they get mad or cry or both....but then they leave me alone about the matter, so it works for me.

 

[On the Inside]

I am fortunate to work at a place that does not have holiday parties. The few that I've been to in the past were barely tolerable, even with alcohol. I do appreciate the holiday treats that some of our vendors and clients send over, I can be a bit of a glutton.

I am also grateful for a family that is pretty easy going and just enjoys getting together once in awhile.

I wouldn't mind a sow's ear, though.

 

[Naturalist]

Christmas, for me, exists only as a vehicle for which to have a Doctor Who Christmas Special....beyond that...its all a big lie to make money off people....to me, at least. Oh, and don't expect me to be complicit in lying to your children with you. You may find it a harmless tradition but i find lies to be distasteful, and dishonest and so i will reserve my lying for when i feel the reason is appropriately valid and important to warrant distatseful behavior...not because you want to scare your child into good behavior with the idea that a paternal authority figure is always watching them and always judging them. So i mostly leave christmasy people alone this time of year, so long as they respect my views of non compliance in regards to Xmas. If they persist in trying to inject their Xmas spirit into me, then i will respond with injecting a dose of my reality into them....then they get mad or cry or both....but then they leave me alone about the matter, so it works for me.

I totally agree with you about the lies. I have a really hard time with this because my spouse wants our son to be "allowed to believe" in Santa etc., but I'd rather have traditions that don't require me to fabricate falsehoods on the fly, which I am terrible at doing. It makes me ill to even try, and then I get blamed if I "spoil the fun".

 

[AGXStarseed]

The thing about the Santa Lie - as I've learned from watching a Nostalgia Critic video on the subject - is that it actually does serve as an important lesson in life. Some of what I'm writing below will be paraphrased from that video.

When we're first told about Santa, we're taught how to believe in something wonderful; there are very few who don't like the idea of a jolly man coming to give you presents randomly one night of a year. You may never meet him, but you grow to love the man - whether its because of the spiritual/magical aspects, our materialistic natures or even both.

As you go through adult life later, however, you're going to encounter situations that fool you - such as a person you've known for a long time doing something you'd never expect them to do or a mindset you've held for years suddenly having to be different in light of something around you that's changed.
Everyone has to go through these situations at least once in their life, where something happens in your life and suddenly all or a lot of what you knew is shattered. Suddenly, everything becomes uncertain and you begin to ask questions;
What else was I wrong about? What should I now question and be afraid of? What other surprises could be around the corner that could make me look foolish?

The Santa lie - if you look at it from a different point of view - is our first way of dealing with this. It's a way of saying "Yes, this wasn't what you thought it was but it's alright; the world hasn't blown up, you still have plenty of things to be thankful for and Christmas is still just as wonderful as before".
In fact, your discovery of the lie and your chance to now take part in it (keeping the illusion alive for other children, regardless of whether they're your younger siblings or any other children you meet) may even make Christmas a bit better for you.

Think about it; when you were growing up and still believing in Santa, didn't those Christmas times feel the best?
Having time off school, seeing all the illuminations, listening to the songs (even the corny ones), watching the movies and getting hyped up for the big day when you believed that the jolly fat man with his flying reindeer and sleigh would soon be popping around to deliver a selection of gifts for you and your family. Assuming you weren't getting distracted by the materialism of the holidays, it was a fantastic time for many and one of the best periods of our childhood.

Discovering the lie can be a painful experience - especially for those who don't figure it out - but if you instead focus on the happier times you had and now been able to partake in the lie, you can at least keep Christmas a magical time for everyone around you. The good thing about the lie is there's a lot of details you can mess around with and tall tales you can make up.
I once told a group of kids who were excited for Christmas that I had once gone downstairs on Christmas Eve because I was thirsty and saw Santa in my living room. The look of awe on their faces was amazing and really warmed my heart.

I don't think we should stop lying to our kids about Santa as why should we deny them the magical childhood many of us went through?
The lie as I've said can be painful when the truth is finally revealed, but the pain can be lessened if only we look at it with the right perspective.