An email to my mother

[LostInSilentHill]

So recently, because of family issues I am experiencing I felt it would be best to write an email to my mother explaining so things. I would very much like feedback from you all. I know this may come off as personal and I've left a few lines out. I want to know if this might come off as hurtful or negative. I've replaced some names in this as well.

Thanks for you help!



Look, I'm writing this as an email because I don't think you would listen to me in person or over the phone. Maybe you will never read this but at least I've told you. I haven't meant to be cold or unsympathetic towards you but I am having difficulty understanding what it is you need from me. I can give you practical things but beyond that I am quite limited. I have problems, ones that are not going to go away. Ever. I can work on them, lesson the effect but they won't just disappear.

I have Aspergers. I know you won't believe that but it is true. If you choose not to believe this then that is fine, but at least listen to what I have to say about my life.

I have little to no empathy for others. Death does not upset me and the death of those around me has never bothered me. Once my pets dying upset me but now I have learned not to grow to attached to them. If anyone other than those of my immediate family (or Friend) died it would not effect me. I don't know why, but it doesn't. I noticed this first when grandma died, I was confused and it was when I first noticed I was different. When grandpa died, I was happy. Living in Altadore was inconvenient and I wanted to go back home. Death is just that to me, inconvenient. I am not trying to be cold or heartless but I can't force emotions to appear.

My obsessions are another key factor. I have always become obsessed with things. It was not normal and it still isn't. When I can't be bothered to want or do anything past my current interest, it becomes a problem. The reason why I don't follow the recommendations of others is because if it isn't my current obsession I can't get invested into it. The change is also an issue. I don't like new things and watching or reading new things makes me uncomfortable.

When I was 12, everyone was worried because I said I wanted to be a serial killer. It wasn't because I wanted to hurt people, but because it had caught my interest and I couldn't look beyond that. Even now, my current obsession rules my life. I need to know everything about it, collect objects close to it and tell others about it. I am blind-sided to everything else.

I've been told I don't know when people are bored of my talking. I don't look people in the eyes and I don't read facial expressions. These are things I hadn't noticed in the past. As a teenager I once made my teacher cry because I said something inappropriate and didn't understand what that was. I still don't understand why it was so emotionally upsetting but I've learned when to keep my mouth shut. Most of the time.

Even now I say things that are highly inappropriate at times, because it doesn't seem like an issue to me. A night of with my friends plus a new person I had just met was one such event. I was telling them how I found a site on the deep web about necrophilia and you could tell the women there where real and quite dead. One had a Glasgow smile carved in. This apparently was not a safe topic for dinner. It doesn't bother me and still doesn't. I don't understand why people are so squeamish honestly. The new comer snapped at me, getting angry. Friend was upset because he did this (she understands my limitations with social understanding). I can't help this. I am working very hard to understand the proper time and place for such conversations but it is only recently I have had help with it.

I don't connect emotionally with others. With Friend and the kids I put up a front. I wanted to help her and the kids were fun but I had no emotional attachment to them. Since moving I have had almost no contact with them at all. The same with Friend. I can fake emotions very well at times, but I have difficulty applying emotions to anything outside myself. This doesn't mean I don't feel at all. I get happy, sad, angry, frustrated, loving and all those things all the time. I just can't apply it to other people or situations.

I've watched and learned the proper way to react to certain situations. What is happening right now, I have never seen so I don't know what to do.

Socially, I've always had issues with peers and boundaries. They said in my files from school that I did this on purpose. I did not. I never understood why I wasn't liked, but at the same time, I liked having my space. I wanted friends, but I didn't know how to do it properly. Most people are uncomfortable around me because I seem weird to them. I put on a mask for most people, imitate what they do and say so they like me, but once it goes deeper, they want very little to do with me. That is fine, I have people who understand me, like Friend, Friend, Friend and Brother. When I was younger, I had imaginary friends I could interact with. Not I talk constantly to imaginary people in my head because my brain does not turn off and people do not want to listen to me go on for hours at a time.

I am making an effort to improve, become socially active, I've been losing weight and dealing with my anxiety. It is a long process but the doctors tell me I am doing very well. I feel as though I am too. I'm learning and adapting to the world and although I may not understand it, I am learning what others feel and why they feel it. The world around me is confusing, and I am doing the best I can.

I wrote this, not to hurt you, but so that you can understand why things have been the way there are lately.

 

[NateSean]

I think you put it very clearly and if she responds with any confusion, it will be entirely on her. Now the ball is in her court, so to speak.

 

[laurag9g9g9]

Maybe..... I feel I can express myself better through email. I love you and need you to hear me.it doesn't matter what I'm labeled... I'm overwhelmed. How can we work through this?

 

[Mia]

LostInSilentHill Can I make a few suggestions to you? First, move this posting to the private members area of the forum (request that a moderator do this). Anyone on the internet including guests and bots can read this, and the fact is these sorts of postings have a way of following you around forever, and being used by the 'powers that be' as evidence of dysfunction.

If I were writing this I would change the word obsessions to interests. Realize that you want to be clear, honest and indicate to your Mother who you are. But you do have empathy, you would not be writing this to your Mother if you did not, you would not do anything about your difficulties with her because you wouldn't care what she thought.

Don't mention that you wanted to be a serial killer, mention that you were fascinated with the subject and other subjects, such as your mention of necrophilia. This rings all sorts of bells with unthinking people, so that they can write you off as some 'type' of person. Understand that you wish to be honest and explain how you feel, and say what you think, and you can still do that with less detail. Try to make this more general because you will not always think this way, your interests will change over time.

As for the other details in your email, I would dumb them down a little bit. Sometimes saying exactly what you think makes others marginalize you, and I know how that feels. For example being happy about your Grandfather's death, is not something you should indicate to your Mother, whatever her relationship with him was. Better to say you felt nothing, than you were happy. Even if it's literally true, it should be something you don't indicate to others unless you can trust them and they care about you, and do understand you.

 

[LostInSilentHill]

LostInSilentHill Can I make a few suggestions to you? First, move this posting to the private members area of the forum (request that a moderator do this). Anyone on the internet including guests and bots can read this, and the fact is these sorts of postings have a way of following you around forever, and being used by the 'powers that be' as evidence of dysfunction.

Thank you for your feedback

How would I request this be moved? How do I contact the moderators about moving it?

 

[LostInSilentHill]

I keep coming back to this and contemplating a good response. As I've mentioned, our situations are very similar, so I understand the challenges you have addressing the issue with someone that refuses to listen or consider any possibilities except their own. Right now, my question is, "Do you think it will accomplish any good by sending the message explaining everything?" If not, then all it will do is create more heartache for yourself. I have learned over fifty plus years that there are just some people you cannot communicate with no matter how hard you try or what their relationship may be. All that happens in the long run is more frustration and grief on your part. That's what always happened with my mother.

Thank you for reading and commenting. I think, while this may not get through to her, this is my last attempt. If still she refuses and treats me badly like she has been doing then I will walk away. Maybe in the future she will be willing to listen but I can't take the emotional heartache that is coming from our relationship now.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh dear! Well to be honest, not a good email to send to one's own mother; it will just wind her up even more; plus she already knows you have aspergers; she is just attacking because she is going through an emotional moment right now.

It is strange, that if as you say, you are a cold person, why she would turn to you and not her other grown children. So, either deep down, she is wanting your cold attitude or anylitical brain, or you are not as cold as you seem to think you are?

I am married to an nt and so, have learned a lot about how to be "normal" and just know that email is a bad idea to send to one's own mother. It comes across as though you are talking to just anyone ( despite the fact that you do mention personal things).

The best thing to do, is, if you do need to send her an email, is to say that you are suprised she does not believe you have aspergers, since it is pretty obvious to others, but oh well, if that is so, I have to urge you to seek emotional support from one of my other siblings, because what you are seeking from me is just not possible.

One thing hehehe you digress hugely; just like me.

I often have said emails to my husband, because it is too difficult to get across what I want face to face.

I sincerely hope this does not cause offence to you?.

 

[Mia]

How would I request this be moved? How do I contact the moderators about moving it?

You could PM a Moderator, and request it be moved. You could also rewrite at the top of the original post the request that it be moved to the private area.

Another thing you could also do, is copy the original post and repost in the more secure area of the forum (Private Members only) with the same or similar question leaving an indicator here where the full post can be found.

 

[Larisa]

I considered several times to write to my mother (by common post on paper) but my observations proved her to be unable to pay attention to my limits and interests.
I think your letter may be wrongly taken (like my mother blamed me on wishing her to be dead) but I think I can understand why you felt necessary to write your memories and confessions so raw and open. It's like a part of your own admission what you were (when she imagined you something else) and still are.
I wish you self-acceptance.

 

[justin]

So recently, because of family issues I am experiencing I felt it would be best to write an email to my mother explaining so things. I would very much like feedback from you all. I know this may come off as personal and I've left a few lines out. I want to know if this might come off as hurtful or negative. I've replaced some names in this as well.

Thanks for you help!



Look, I'm writing this as an email because I don't think you would listen to me in person or over the phone. Maybe you will never read this but at least I've told you. I haven't meant to be cold or unsympathetic towards you but I am having difficulty understanding what it is you need from me. I can give you practical things but beyond that I am quite limited. I have problems, ones that are not going to go away. Ever. I can work on them, lesson the effect but they won't just disappear.

I have Aspergers. I know you won't believe that but it is true. If you choose not to believe this then that is fine, but at least listen to what I have to say about my life.

I have little to no empathy for others. Death does not upset me and the death of those around me has never bothered me. Once my pets dying upset me but now I have learned not to grow to attached to them. If anyone other than those of my immediate family (or Friend) died it would not effect me. I don't know why, but it doesn't. I noticed this first when grandma died, I was confused and it was when I first noticed I was different. When grandpa died, I was happy. Living in Altadore was inconvenient and I wanted to go back home. Death is just that to me, inconvenient. I am not trying to be cold or heartless but I can't force emotions to appear.

My obsessions are another key factor. I have always become obsessed with things. It was not normal and it still isn't. When I can't be bothered to want or do anything past my current interest, it becomes a problem. The reason why I don't follow the recommendations of others is because if it isn't my current obsession I can't get invested into it. The change is also an issue. I don't like new things and watching or reading new things makes me uncomfortable.

When I was 12, everyone was worried because I said I wanted to be a serial killer. It wasn't because I wanted to hurt people, but because it had caught my interest and I couldn't look beyond that. Even now, my current obsession rules my life. I need to know everything about it, collect objects close to it and tell others about it. I am blind-sided to everything else.

I've been told I don't know when people are bored of my talking. I don't look people in the eyes and I don't read facial expressions. These are things I hadn't noticed in the past. As a teenager I once made my teacher cry because I said something inappropriate and didn't understand what that was. I still don't understand why it was so emotionally upsetting but I've learned when to keep my mouth shut. Most of the time.

Even now I say things that are highly inappropriate at times, because it doesn't seem like an issue to me. A night of with my friends plus a new person I had just met was one such event. I was telling them how I found a site on the deep web about necrophilia and you could tell the women there where real and quite dead. One had a Glasgow smile carved in. This apparently was not a safe topic for dinner. It doesn't bother me and still doesn't. I don't understand why people are so squeamish honestly. The new comer snapped at me, getting angry. Friend was upset because he did this (she understands my limitations with social understanding). I can't help this. I am working very hard to understand the proper time and place for such conversations but it is only recently I have had help with it.

I don't connect emotionally with others. With Friend and the kids I put up a front. I wanted to help her and the kids were fun but I had no emotional attachment to them. Since moving I have had almost no contact with them at all. The same with Friend. I can fake emotions very well at times, but I have difficulty applying emotions to anything outside myself. This doesn't mean I don't feel at all. I get happy, sad, angry, frustrated, loving and all those things all the time. I just can't apply it to other people or situations.

I've watched and learned the proper way to react to certain situations. What is happening right now, I have never seen so I don't know what to do.

Socially, I've always had issues with peers and boundaries. They said in my files from school that I did this on purpose. I did not. I never understood why I wasn't liked, but at the same time, I liked having my space. I wanted friends, but I didn't know how to do it properly. Most people are uncomfortable around me because I seem weird to them. I put on a mask for most people, imitate what they do and say so they like me, but once it goes deeper, they want very little to do with me. That is fine, I have people who understand me, like Friend, Friend, Friend and Brother. When I was younger, I had imaginary friends I could interact with. Not I talk constantly to imaginary people in my head because my brain does not turn off and people do not want to listen to me go on for hours at a time.

I am making an effort to improve, become socially active, I've been losing weight and dealing with my anxiety. It is a long process but the doctors tell me I am doing very well. I feel as though I am too. I'm learning and adapting to the world and although I may not understand it, I am learning what others feel and why they feel it. The world around me is confusing, and I am doing the best I can.

I wrote this, not to hurt you, but so that you can understand why things have been the way there are lately.

May be abit more info than necessesary for your mom but has made me personally want to meet you cuz i too have been obsessed with horror movies death and not been highly bothered by death.

 

[NateSean]

I actually feel stupid that I didn't point out the bit about the serial killer thing. Mia made the best argument, but adding to hers, is your mother the sort who would take that out of context just so she could get a one-up on you? Because mine kinda still is that way.

 

[zurb]

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thing, but do remove the word 'look' from the the first sentence. That would get my heckles up even before I read anything else.

 

[radasp]

Normal people view many of our assets as "dangerous" -they think that if you think about something it means that you are going to act on it. So a subject that attracts our curiosity, as an intellectual adventure, scares them. If you were a psychologist who studies serial killers, then that would be okay, because psychologists have social status that allows them to "have obsessions" with "scary things" Socially - wealth, class, education = what you are "allowed" to do.

I too had a terrible relationship with my mother: she was ill and dying, and I made one last attempt at "getting through" to her. She responded by being very hateful. The shock was inevitably good. I realized once and for all how she had harmed me and that it was a GOOD THING that I had saved my own life by letting go of her. It's unfortunate that families don't always "work" but our loyalty must be to life itself: to the life we were given.

 

[hazybabe]

Hi lost in silent hill, you might have already sent the email but I felt the beginning was a little hostile by starting it with "look". I would have added in that I love and miss my her (if that's true). But instead of a long email I would actually write a little bit and add links to good and informative websites about autistic spec and challenge her to name the traits they highlight that you don't have. That's one way to go but something I would highly recommend would be to take your mum to an understanding autism conference or information hub. I went to an autism conference with my mum and sister (like I've mentioned before I'm incredibly lucky they're both social workers) it was so interesting to hear different speakers experiences in life maybe your mum could understand or empathise more by hearing it from a third party?