An interpersonal relationship mystery

[Libecht]

Last week my best friend Ray, his friend Jon and I were on a trip to Japan. I didn't know Jon personally, but we chatted a bit on Facebook and he seemed like an easygoing guy. Their flight was a few hours earlier than mine and when I finally met them, Jon was all quiet and poker-faced. Strangely, Ray said Jon was acting normally before I arrived. On the second day he barely said a word and even put on headphones half of the time. After the third day he decided to travel on his own and only came back to the hotel at night. However, he did make jokes and laughed a little when he's with us, though rarely, which was confusing to both Ray and me because we didn't even know if he's upset or not.
The only cause I can think of is that Ray and I talked all the time and he felt left out. Realizing that, we've also tried to talk to him during the trip, but Jon stuck to his poker-face. Even Ray, who's known Jon for years, has no idea what happened and he's still been acting like that after the trip. Do you guys have any insights and assumptions to share?

 

[Fino]

He immediately reminded me of certain people who I no longer associate with and should have stopped associating with sooner, assuming I had to ever know them in the first place.

One of THOSE.

I felt bad, now everyone deserves to feel bad, here we goooooo....

But that's just what it reminded me of, I couldn't possibly know for certain.

It could be something else entirely!

-He received tragic news, such as by text or any other method you wouldn't notice.
-He suffers from depression and it struck.
-He suffers from anxiety and couldn't handle what he thought he could.
-He suffers from schizophrenia or some other delusional disorder which led him to do this in ways we can only begin to imagine.
-He didn't like you and is awful enough to express it in this way.
-That's just how he is and neither of you knew him as well as you thought.
-He was feeling physically ill for some reason.
-He was terribly homesick.
-He witnessed something which traumatized him.
-He's having an existential crisis.
-He made up his mind to commit suicide and was planning it.
-He's actually a woman and was on his period.

Alright, it's too silly now.
Anyway, what's your goal?
To help him?
Curiosity?
Make sure it wasn't caused by you somehow?

Maybe he suddenly realized his name doesn't have an "h" and it hit him hard.

Sorry, I don't say any of this with the intent to make light of your situation, I'm only trying to demonstrate that it could be anything, as far as anyone here can tell.

I think the most likely suggestion of mine is what I said initially: he's a moody female dog.

 

[Libecht]

He immediately reminded me of certain people who I no longer associate with and should have stopped associating with sooner, assuming I had to ever know them in the first place.

One of THOSE.

I felt bad, now everyone deserves to feel bad, here we goooooo....

But that's just what it reminded me of, I couldn't possibly know for certain.

It could be something else entirely!

-He received tragic news, such as by text or any other method you wouldn't notice.
-He suffers from depression and it struck.
-He suffers from anxiety and couldn't handle what he thought he could.
-He suffers from schizophrenia or some other delusional disorder which led him to do this in ways we can only begin to imagine.
-He didn't like you and is awful enough to express it in this way.
-That's just how he is and neither of you knew him as well as you thought.
-He was feeling physically ill for some reason.
-He was terribly homesick
-He witnessed something which traumatized him.
-He's having an existential crisis.
-He made up his mind to commit suicide and was planning it.
-He's actually a woman and was on his period.

Alright, it's too silly now.
Anyway, what's your goal?
To help him?
Curiosity?
Make sure it wasn't caused by you somehow?

Maybe he suddenly realized his name doesn't have an "h" and it hit him hard.

Sorry, I don't say any of this with the intent to make light of your situation, I'm only trying to demonstrate that it could be anything, as far as anyone here can tell.

I think the most likely suggestion of mine is what I said initially: he's a moody female dog.

Lol obviously Jon isn't his real name. I picked it because I was watching Game of Thrones

I was just asking out of curiosity, but for Ray he kind of lost a friend (not a bad thing perhaps). If it was because of me though, I'd also like to know why, even if he were a moody female dog

Truth be told, because of his sudden change of personality I got to travel with Ray alone, which was pretty nice.

 

[BraidedPony]

Jon wanted Ray to himself?
When Jon saw how glad he was to see you, it hurt his feelings, dashed his hopes.
Then he was a moody female dog....

 

[shysnail]

Wow, this thread got misogynistic fast.

Before the comments about women on their period and moody female dogs, I think some of the suggestions made were reasonable. Perhaps Jon agreed to the trip, but it was actually too much for him and he struggled with it? Although, if he's still "off" now, I would also be inclined to imagine perhaps he was upset with something that happened. Perhaps, indeed, he felt left out and is still hurt. Maybe a comment or joke was made that made him feel bad?

Do either you or Ray feel you could ask him straight up if he's okay? Often the best way with these things is just to get straight to it, acknowledge the elephant in the room, and ask what's up.

 

[Progster]

Is Jon on the spectrum?

 

[Libecht]

Wow, this thread got misogynistic fast.

Before the comments about women on their period and moody female dogs, I think some of the suggestions made were reasonable. Perhaps Jon agreed to the trip, but it was actually too much for him and he struggled with it? Although, if he's still "off" now, I would also be inclined to imagine perhaps he was upset with something that happened. Perhaps, indeed, he felt left out and is still hurt. Maybe a comment or joke was made that made him feel bad?

Do either you or Ray feel you could ask him straight up if he's okay? Often the best way with these things is just to get straight to it, acknowledge the elephant in the room, and ask what's up.

What do you mean the trip is too much for him? Like too exhausting or what?
Since he got weird since my arrival, it's quite likely that he was hurt because "I took away his Ray".

I asked him directly one night actually, and he said he couldn't join our conversation. Maybe he was indeed envious of me and even disliked me for it. *sad face*

Is Jon on the spectrum?

No idea, since he barely talked to us. He did show a few of the traits, but I couldn't tell.

 

[shysnail]

I was thinking too much for him like it was too emotionally taxing. Like, I don't think I could go on a trip with someone I didn't really know without feeling pretty overwhelmed and unhappy. But obviously I'm just reading that from my personal experience. Maybe this guy is nothing like that.

It does sound like, if he said that it was because he felt he couldn't join your conversation and basically your friend Ray was the connecting friend between the three of you, then that may indeed be the problem. Maybe he just feels like he didn't have a good time because he was on the fringes. I'm sure you and your friend didn't mean to exclude him, but these things happen sometimes. Groups of three can be liable to dynamics where someone gets left out.

 

[tlc]

It does sound like, if he said that it was because he felt he couldn't join your conversation and basically your friend Ray was the connecting friend between the three of you, then that may indeed be the problem. Maybe he just feels like he didn't have a good time because he was on the fringes. I'm sure you and your friend didn't mean to exclude him, but these things happen sometimes. Groups of three can be liable to dynamics where someone gets left out.

I run into this quite a bit. I sometimes feel I have to be a different person depending on who I am with, due to their interests and their objections. I had a best friend who was hardcore religious and quite dominant, so I had to be restrictive on things I said around him or his family. Then there was his friend who was into cars and gadgets and things. When the 3 of us were together, I'd just end up being a passive quiet tagalong in the back seat or walking behind them. But when the religious guy moved away, I ended up being better friends with the car guy. I can mostly be myself around him, but he is still somewhat religious.

Or being with my cousins who are also musicians, we get along well because I grew up with them, helped them build guitars, etc. They are straightedge but hardcore heavy metal fans and I am into country, lite yacht rock, and female pop singers. When I would go hang out with them while they played music with the rest of their bandmates, I totally wouldn't fit in.

There have only been a few people in my life who were similar enough to me that I felt I could totally be myself. I was married to one of them for 6 years.

 

[H-Kath]

I asked him directly one night actually, and he said he couldn't join our conversation. Maybe he was indeed envious of me and even disliked me for it. *sad face*

That could easily be splitting in someone with BPD, but I see that everywhere after finding out my ex deceived me about being diagnosed with it for 13 years. Who knows what the problem actually was.

It sounds like you tried to be friendly, and even tried to fix the interpersonal issues when you noticed something was wrong. I don't know what more you can do.

 

[Fino]

Lol obviously Jon isn't his real name. I picked it because I was watching Game of Thrones

I was just asking out of curiosity, but for Ray he kind of lost a friend (not a bad thing perhaps). If it was because of me though, I'd also like to know why, even if he were a moody female dog

Truth be told, because of his sudden change of personality I got to travel with Ray alone, which was pretty nice.

I didn't realize his name isn't really Jon, and since it was obvious, that makes me dumb!
Which means the other is probably not really named Ray!
And you're not really Libecht!
The world is a lie!

"Sudden change of personality" made me think of the suggestion that he did drugs at some point, such as LSD!

 

[Gracey]

Maybe he suddenly realized his name doesn't have an "h" and it hit him hard.

.

Boy do I know how that feels