an unintentionally inconsiderate coworker

[paloftoon]

My current job involves me being in a program where I am working with other people on the spectrum. One of them in particular was in a meeting with me and a job coach one time where the job coach implied that since we both felt lonely that we both should try to hang out with one another. So, I decided to give this a try and invite him over to my place. He canceled one hour before after agreeing to meet like 6+ days in advance. Then he said he could meet later on that night or the next day, and I agreed to either. He never got back to me.

Ever since that point, I still gave him a chance and he invited me to a bunch of crappy events basically. This boy is very naive and constantly talks about how great his college is (that is too far away from work). He has such a big ego about how he's "so independent" and how everywhere he goes is the best place to eat and live. I get tired of the nonsense. So I naturally turn my head away and don't say anything. I thought that was professional, but according to my job coach it's not. At least while I'm involved in the work environment, I must engage in the conversation or excuse myself from the conversation. If I excuse myself, I must attempt to do it in a way where I'm not leaving all the time. I'm not supposed to be direct with him because that would be considered unprofessional apparently. I'm supposed to keep up with appearances enough so that I can still work with him, because our combination of strengths and weaknesses are such that it is best for our workplace to pair us up on a lot of team projects.

When he invites me to an event, usually last minute, I just have to keep pretending that I can't go. Maybe when he suggests something, I should just simply try to smile and say thank you.

When this coworker asks me for advice and I answer him, he generally disagrees with it or just doesn't want to consider what I suggested. He really doesn't want an answer at all. He just wants to complain to me, and I don't want to hear his complaints because he doesn't know how to be considerate to my time and energy when I host an event, especially at my personal home.

One type of work assignment I will never agree to do with him (until he gets it and is able to "make up" for how he treated me beforehand) is something that involves us being social to others together. I don't trust his social skills, nor want his naivety to represent my quality work for socializing. This is one type of situation I would definitely be able to get out of working with him.

I know there's worse, but there's also better too. I'm not getting much better than this coworker currently. Ugh.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh my, I am so glad that I am not involved in this "rat race", because I could not keep it up, in truth!

I know all about what to say and not what to say, to keep peace and I am only just getting it; but still a huge part is saying: but doesn't that mean covering over badness?

It is assumed that meeting another aspie, will mean an instant bond, but the reality is quite different, because no aspie is completely alike!

 

[paloftoon]

I'm not for certain, but it sounds like this coworker invited another coworker in the same program to some hiking trip that might be camping. I don't mind the hiking part, but don't care for the camping if that's the case. I wasn't part of that conversation. I know there's been a bit of stress on their ethnocentricism when they talk to me, yet I have never been invited to that cultural group's activities because it's harder for people to relate when they are shy and are not of the same ethnic origin. I get all that.

It was at first annoying to hear stuff like this when we are all in the same department like that, but then I get excluded. Since I'm at a much more mature stage at my life than they are, I'm actually glad to have nothing to do with it because I would probably not enjoy the activity anyway. I could see myself being left out of the personal friend type connection of it all even if I enjoyed the activity itself, and I value the personable friend feeling of an activity, sometimes more than the activity itself.

Even when I was their age, I was more mature than my coworkers, so it is hard for me to relate. Despite that, because we all work together in this fashion, I would still considering bonding if there was that certain level of respect that you give a real friend for their time and energy into said engagement.

Because of complications like these, and because people don't really understand how to work with or regulate the different degrees of barriers, it's generally better to form friendships outside of the workplace. Not that you can't make friends in the workplace, but I'd try to take my time with that if you didn't already know the person from a prior event or at least a prior company.