an unwanted xmas card

[paloftoon]

I received an xmas card from an acquaintance today. What was in the card was sweet. It thanked me for being a friend, and how I helped him get well acquainted with another friend and a support group. It implied thanks for hanging out at various eateries and an rpg group.

What's the catch? Why am I writing this post?
Of course there's gotta be something, lol.

He looked up my personal info. online rather than ask me directly or try to hand me the card in-person directly. He's never tried to invite me to his place once, and I have not wanted to invite him to my place once. I consider him an acquaintance I can't level with and not a friend. He does/did consider me a friend. I think he is on the spectrum, but not diagnosed.

I did let him know how uncomfortable I felt that he did that even though I understand it.

 

[Judge]

It might bother me if I knew the person in question was not on the spectrum.

Otherwise it didn't take long for me to think about how others on the spectrum might have done the same thing, yet with only good intentions. At least that's my uptake.

 

[midlife aspie]

He may not have wanted to 'tip you off' as to his intentions.

 

[paloftoon]

He did not. It was supposed to be a surprise. And it was a surprise, albeit an uncomfortable one. He knew I didn't have a crush on him. He is not able to level with me, and hasn't done anything to really earn that level of friendship with me. Something about it is slightly too selfish of him- just an inappropriate way to earn attention. I get it, but it just confirms that much more that I don't want to hang with him outside of a public gathering.

At the same time, it does make me sad that mistakes I've made like that, but on a higher level, may not be totally forgiven by the person affected in a similar vein ironically. I guess because I have not been given such a pass and don't really have anything viable to gain from the friendship myself, it is too easy for me to pass up

 

[Alcyon]

I'm struggling to understand the problem here. Which should go without saying

I take it from the original post the issue is getting the contact info from the web. That seems like a pretty normal thing to do; it's easy, convenient, and quick. A thing that would be all the more expected if the sender was doing several or more cards at a go.

What am I missing?

 

[OkRad]

This is a nightmare of mine. I am the one doing it. Would not send in mail, but give to the person. I do it too much. And they get creeped out. And I can never take it back. Then, I have to see them a lot because they work at a place I need to go. :-(

Kills me every time I see the person, and I try to act normal, to speak like it never happened. But it did.

I hate autism.

 

[paloftoon]

I'm struggling to understand the problem here. Which should go without saying

I take it from the original post the issue is getting the contact info from the web. That seems like a pretty normal thing to do; it's easy, convenient, and quick. A thing that would be all the more expected if the sender was doing several or more cards at a go.

What am I missing?

The issue is getting the contact info. from the web because it is an inappropriate action. Even though I know this acquaintance is harmless, he is being overly clingy by writing to me even though I've never told him my address or invited him to my place for anything.

On top of this, his action is intrusive as he has never attempted to invite me to his place for anything or ever offered to buy me anything directly. I am not dating him, and I told him straight out that I am not interested in dating him when he wanted to hang out at a restaurant together.

It is very selfish of him to lean on me to try to help bring continual joy to his life rather than him seeking out things that he likes on his own after being given opportunities to meet others and enjoy activities he may not have otherwise tried out.

 

[OkRad]

The issue is getting the contact info. from the web because it is an inappropriate action. Even though I know this acquaintance is harmless, he is being overly clingy by writing to me even though I've never told him my address or invited him to my place for anything.

On top of this, his action is intrusive as he has never attempted to invite me to his place for anything or ever offered to buy me anything directly. I am not dating him, and I told him straight out that I am not interested in dating him when he wanted to hang out at a restaurant together.

It is very selfish of him to lean on me to try to help bring continual joy to his life rather than him seeking out things that he likes on his own after being given opportunities to meet others and enjoy activities he may not have otherwise tried out.

This post has triggered so much thought in me. On one hand, I have been the Giver, made people uncomfortable and horrified when I realized I was doing it, then filled with unrepairable shame,

On the other hand, I had a friend who did and does this with people. He acts as if he is interested in someone and when they feel it, he pulls away after getting them emotionally involved.

I am sure there are reasons. MOST people are not bad. I was just confused. The man in my post here is a lonley man in his 50s who is casting around to see if there are any bites. He is not a bad person. Just lonely and looking. He has Aspergers, too, so I am sure that is part of it.

 

[paloftoon]

. . .

I am sure there are reasons. MOST people are not bad. I was just confused. The man in my post here is a lonley man in his 50s who is casting around to see if there are any bites. He is not a bad person. Just lonely and looking. He has Aspergers, too, so I am sure that is part of it.

"Casting around" is best done by taking a risk by inviting someone to do something 1-1 in-person rather than purposely testing someone's limitations to comfort level to see what they feel comfortable with before it feels like intrusion, if this is what you mean by "casting around." This kind of "casting around" will likely not help a person at all, but make others that person think he is a creep or quite socially devoid and too much of a burden to hang out with.

Sure we make mistakes, but it's not a good idea to intend on making that mistake to see if we can find the exception to the rule to make a good friend.

 

[savi83]

I'm not a fan of the whole custom of giving cards.

Also with seasonal cards you've got the awkward moment of when the receiver doesn't consider the giver close enough to give a card.

 

[paloftoon]

I'm not a fan of the whole custom of giving cards.

Also with seasonal cards you've got the awkward moment of when the receiver doesn't consider the giver close enough to give a card.

I'm not a big fan of cards either. I think it just gives more money to card retailers. I ask my family not to give me cards and save their money for other actual things- like I don't care if they splurge that extra $5 on their fave Starbucks drink. Better than a card in my opinion. Since my family likes cards so much, I try to buy cards at good will and if I see them go cheap or like if a store is going out of business, lol. Once in awhile, I'll pay regular place anyway if I see a card I like.

If the giver and receiver don't agree on how close they are with each other, it will be less awkward for the receiver to receive the card in-person. That way, it can be looked at as a nice gesture without being overly intrusive. The receiver is less likely to make an effort to reciprocate and write a card back or such, but the receiver can simply say thanks or offer a simple glib response rather than feel intruded on by the giver.

If in-person is not an option, unless you have a reason to have their address, don't even consider sending a physical card as an option. If you don't have a reason to have someone's contact information for anything or aren't sure, it's best not to send out. You will know once you know.

For instance, I sent out a few online gifts last minute because some friends who I have known for a little while helped me through some troubling experiences with me that they did not have to help me with. I don't normally do gift exchanges or anything like that with them.